Excuses

Do you make excuses? For what?

Missing the anniversary? Late home from work? Your funk of a mood (she started it!)?

Well the problem with excuses is that they mean nothing and make no difference whatsoever. I catch my 11 year old son doing something that I need to correct and the first thing out of his mouth is an excuse. Actually, from his perspective it is his rationale for why it was the right and logical thing to be doing. So we could call excuses your rationale, and ask instead, "do you have a rationale for everything?"

Somewhere in this society, courtesy of someone (I'll blame a litigious bunch of lawyers with too much time and not enough cases), we got this strange idea that an excuse - a really good excuse - makes a difference. "See, what you have to understand is that blah blah..." No I do not have to understand. No results and a good story still equals no results. Late for dinner and a good reason is still late for dinner.

Wayne Levine, author of Hold On To Your N.U.T.s, calls it the voice of your little boy and says that as men we need to "silence the little boy." I could not agree more. When it comes to being in relationship, stories, rationale, good intentions and excuses just don't cut it. In truth they all kill relationship. Not cleanly like a slit throat, they kill relationships like a bad case of gangrene; smelling and rotting and poisoning the body until it can no longer function.

One of the best disciplines you can adopt to be successful in marriage is the elimination of excuses. Practice with your men's circle or team. Build a no tolerance, no excuse environment. Start and end on time, make hard and big commitments to each other and take a good look at what happens when there is zero tolerance for excuses. Not done is not done but you can see what happened more clearly. Now you are cooking!

Creating Intimacy

We have often heard the adage that men get to intimacy through sex and women get to sex through intimacy. The trouble with that is that most men hear that as a big problem - that is that they must learn how to be intimate. And the simple truth is that men have not been taught much about how to "be" intimate.

Well, relax because we would like to submit a different point of view. Both of the above statements are true, but what you may not understand from them is that while your learning how to be intimate might not be a bad idea, in practice you need only learn how to provide the space and conditions for your wife to become intimate. It is she who needs the intimacy in order to become sexually engaged. You can be ready anytime - that is not the issue.

So the question becomes: what are the things you can do to create a safe haven in which your woman can open up and become intimate. Many of these are discussed in the Survival Guide but until that gets in print, lets list a few: Your strength and protection are primary in this arena but not sufficient in and of themselves. You will need to practice focused (uninterrupted) attention and listening, deep listening - the kind that hears what she means not just what she says.

Look at the physical environment as well. Space and the absence of distractors also add to the intimacy factor. In all, check back a few posts to look at the Art of War conditions as ways that you can create intimacy (rightness of purpose, timing, resources and location, execution and follow-through).

But we would love to hear from you. What are the things you do to create intimacy for your wife? Add your comments below.

Why bad boy Bond will always get the girl

This is a piece we found by Fiona Macrae (accessed 8/9/09) which we thought you might find interesting!

It is something most nice guys have learned by bitter experience - bad boys tend to get the girls.

Now scientists have shown it really does pay to have a mean streak - with callous, self-obsessed, deceitful men proving the biggest hit with the ladies. Extensive studies show that women the world over find it hard to resist a cad.

The secret of his appeal, it seems, lies in three nasty personality traits said to be epitomised in James Bond. Licensed to thrill: Now scientists have revealed that women find it hard to resist callous, self-obsessed and deceitful men: The so-called 'dark triad'.

Unattractive as the combination might appear, women often equate it with masculinity - and the ability to father healthy children. As a result, those looking for the thrill of an affair, or hoping to become pregnant, are drawn to 'bad boys'. The men, in return, raise their chances of passing their genes on to the next generation.

Scientist Peter Jonason said James Bond is the perfect example of a ladykiller with a rather questionable personality. 'He's clearly disagreeable, very extroverted and likes trying new things. Mr Jonason, of New Mexico State University in the U.S., subjected 200 college students to personality tests designed to rank them for each of their dark triad traits. They were also asked about their attitudes to sexual relationships and about their sex lives, including how many partners they had and whether they sought out flings. The results showed that men who scored higher on the trio of traits tended to have more partners and more interest in short-term relationships.

A second U.S. study of 35,000 people in 57 countries also found a clear link between the dark triad traits in men and success with women. Researcher Professor David Schmitt, of Bradley University in Illinois, said: 'It's universal across cultures for high dark triad scorers to be more active in short-term mating. They are more likely to try and poach other people's partners for a brief affair.' The researchers said that at their most extreme, the traits would be highly unattractive, leading to men being shut off from society.

But one possibility is that the strategy is most successful when dark triad personalities are rare. Otherwise others would become more wary and guarded and the strategy would backfire.

In any case, nice guys need not lose all hope. Dr Gayle Brewer, an evolutionary psychologist at the University of Central Lancashire, said that while women tend to like cads for flings, they usually settle down with more caring types.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1027498/Why-bad-boy-Bond-girl.html#ixzz0NhCtNtAx