tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87298759677249949072024-03-19T12:56:10.514-07:00A Married Man's Survival GuideTips, ideas and discussions on thriving as a committed man in a monogamous marriage. Sharing the wisdom of successfully married men. Your bloggers are co-authors of "A Married Man's Survival Guide" now available through Amazon.com or our website www.ammsg.com. Our goal is to spread the wisdom from our collected work and between and among those men who visit this site.A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.comBlogger63125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-77130126419179053642013-04-17T08:58:00.000-07:002013-04-17T08:58:42.404-07:00Who Was HE?Monday the sports world lost big time. One of the granddaddies of modern sports, and unspoiled for over a century, the 117th running of the Boston Marathon was brutally attacked. And I am fairly certain when and if the perpetrator of this sick crime is found out, it will be a man.<br />
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As a man who works to improve the state and reputation of masculinity, that cuts even deeper than the pain of losing something so special (I have personally run the Boston Marathon 4 times, and my family would wait to cheer me not very many feet away from where the second bomb went off - See <a href="http://pastorbecca.wordpress.com/2013/04/16/from-heartbreak-hill-to-heartbreak/">http://pastorbecca.wordpress.com/2013/04/16/from-heartbreak-hill-to-heartbreak/</a>). It is almost not even a question whether or not a man did it - it is just assumed. We are the violent ones.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7-6mr-S6L0n4w47y2umH9Vf71wUckxeHuOrcTYPE8uElgbxecg1FF2FvA7gEACxKbUTnuqhOxgXUNZ8UAi2o_W272tkOeM61fA6E4lvhCWMI24StxTWZyEqdI5_yNVsBAt9rzuAEukbo/s1600/Baa+ribbon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7-6mr-S6L0n4w47y2umH9Vf71wUckxeHuOrcTYPE8uElgbxecg1FF2FvA7gEACxKbUTnuqhOxgXUNZ8UAi2o_W272tkOeM61fA6E4lvhCWMI24StxTWZyEqdI5_yNVsBAt9rzuAEukbo/s200/Baa+ribbon.jpg" width="200" /></a>But we aren't <i>just</i> that! I often tell men that if they want to understand the fullness of masculinity they need look no further than between their legs. Part of our apparatus is hard, and aggressive, and that part can be hurtful as well as the source of pleasure for our partners. But the other part of our masculinity is soft and quite fragile (if you have ever gotten a kick in the nuts, you know how fragile they are). That part of us must be protected. That part of us is the source of our life-giving, life-creating gift.<br />
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We often, as men, say to each other, "Grab your balls, and do it!" as a way to communicate the sentiment of getting tough. But I think we have it backwards. We need to grab those puppies as a way to remember that we have a soft underbelly, that we are vulnerable to attack and that we (and our species) need to be protected.<br />
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Yea, a man probably did that - a man that had no balls! He had no sensitivity for others or for himself. He had no compassion for the human race and, in fact, assembled his weapon for maximum pain and carnage. I have a difficulty containing my rage for that man, but I know that violence only breeds more violence. The only way to heal this is through love and compassion. <br />
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So, brothers, grab your balls, and squeeze tightly. Remember how fragile you and your life are. Remember your capacity to create and sustain life. We have to show up bigger and stronger than he did. It is the only way.<br />
A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-23109045559193791312013-01-18T05:43:00.000-08:002013-01-18T05:44:54.324-08:00A Man-Sized Issue<br />
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I joined in recently in an on-line discussion of the gun control diatribe (masquerading as dialogue). It wasn’t really a dialogue at all – just a bunch of angry, self-righteous men haranguing each other for the audacity to hold fast to a belief other than their own. So-called pacifists screaming (as best they can over internet type) at staunch defenders of the Second Amendment right to have a gun of their choice to defend their family and property; and the latter’s expletive-laden vitriol about how he will either kill or go to jail to defend that right.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF00r9uOxSyYy1JTE_TUEz-BCFrfS0MWnxbwzmjgOMpk3rxXxqmOPbJP43fKNC_SoYK_JmpcGnhtdpu1D_UY471gLpcaTLW1FtYMGOU6YB8VDmL9_ZS8wsxj15jrP-Ti0RiyNpcvUwRVA/s1600/stop_sign.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF00r9uOxSyYy1JTE_TUEz-BCFrfS0MWnxbwzmjgOMpk3rxXxqmOPbJP43fKNC_SoYK_JmpcGnhtdpu1D_UY471gLpcaTLW1FtYMGOU6YB8VDmL9_ZS8wsxj15jrP-Ti0RiyNpcvUwRVA/s200/stop_sign.jpg" width="200" /></a>That is not dialogue, and it is one of three main problems that lie at the source of this breakdown. The first problem is that there can no longer be dialogue. We have lost the ability to discuss and dialogue with each other; unless of course you agree with absolutely everything I say, in which case, I contend, it is not dialogue. True dialogue is an exchange of ideals wherein listening occurs and through which both parties are changed. Dialogue is a creative resolution starting with opposing or differing points of view that results in a new, previously impossible (or improbable) thought. It cannot be reached when both parties start from the absolute point of view that I am right and you are dead wrong, and operate from a fundamental dualistic logic. Right/wrong dualism renders anything the other person says automatically wrong and therefore not-listened-to. Where is the dialogue in that? So as a result, congress and my Facebook friends simply engage in angry positioning and demeaning name-calling.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But that is only one part of it. The second source problem within the gun-control diatribe is that we have evolved into a state where we expect laws, legislation and other people to do the hard work or moral decision-making and critical thinking for us. It takes a ton of developmental work to build the capacity to think critically and in a fully mature way about such complex issues as justice, gun-control, global warming, sexual ethics, reproductive rights and human dignity (to name a few). These and other issues like them as immensely complex dilemmas that have no single or simple solutions. Yet as a society we want the simple solution; we want the silver bullet; we want washboard abs with only 15 seconds of exercise a day. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Thirdly, we have de-evolved into a society who expects that if something is wrong, we can just take a pill to fix it, and that just is not the way things happen. And within that, we hold the expectation that someone else will do it for us. Dear brothers, it is not up to someone else (be that chemistry and pharmaceuticals or law-makers and their polity) to solve our problems for us. These are ours and we need to take ownership and responsibility for the issues we have. Having a law that polices how guns are sold (we have one), or requiring background checks, or magazine sizes will not solve the problem of accountability and responsibility.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMl4eVEYfSW4Z_Wiqj9SezzoUpiKFaSh1eubF1EKdnrpFmfqPcL5T6s3NntKTs28xGUNcSSvBWo9SCkNch0m5HlR-h3fYiAGNHaEm71bh77gJsHIjfbr_pZMsnIEx1IhhDI3-w916TsrA/s1600/gunsale.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMl4eVEYfSW4Z_Wiqj9SezzoUpiKFaSh1eubF1EKdnrpFmfqPcL5T6s3NntKTs28xGUNcSSvBWo9SCkNch0m5HlR-h3fYiAGNHaEm71bh77gJsHIjfbr_pZMsnIEx1IhhDI3-w916TsrA/s200/gunsale.jpg" width="200" /></a><o:p> </o:p></div>
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So the long and short of it is that there is a way out or through this fiasco, but it will take a huge amount of work. First and foremost, we need to take full responsibility not only for the creation of a solution but for the control and use of any firearms out there. In a way the platitude that “guns don’t kill; people do” is right. But until every person who owns or sells, or touches weapons of any sort (let’s throw crossbows and bows and other forms of weaponry in there) takes full accountability of how each weapon is responsibly used, we will continue to have the problem of weapons getting into “the wrong hands.” We need to develop the lost skill of critical thinking to begin to address complex problems and complex solutions in a more mature and rational way. But above all, we need to re-learn the art of true dialogue. That is a tall order, but the consequences of ignoring the source issues are too costly; innocent children’s lives being snuffed out before they have even begun to live; malls and theatres becoming unsafe places to go; and young men thinking that the resolution of an argument is drawing and firing some sexy weapon. And face it, while some women own and sell firearms, predominantly this is a men's issue! When the statistics are frightening enough perhaps the work will be done.<o:p></o:p></div>
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A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-82253348927888558592012-11-26T18:05:00.000-08:002012-11-26T18:05:27.025-08:00Is It Short-term or The Real Thing?<br />
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I had a conversation with a woman friend of the family today
who was asking advice on what she should do with a relationship she was in. The
bottom line was that they had been dating for a while but that, though she
really liked him, they were experiencing some rough spots. She was asking if
she should break it off and if so how.
She said she had heard an adage that you can’t ever make a long term
committed relationship out of a short term recreational one, so she felt she
had to call it quits. It’s a question I hear a lot, and one I would like to
respond to more publicly.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFAz9zSi9lFHT0-ZuRT3gZ4ASJf7oK8umjr6nZZsduIHGh0XX76iHZU5ZmMxLXiEPIlTtE6Ao88BRe3Ufn8JLcpgxWOycnmfFoR7LDrXrj271xkGtIsEOT68WcyqfXYHBHgoR2dFmeInY/s1600/love__beach__sunset__by_danicafaye-721652.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFAz9zSi9lFHT0-ZuRT3gZ4ASJf7oK8umjr6nZZsduIHGh0XX76iHZU5ZmMxLXiEPIlTtE6Ao88BRe3Ufn8JLcpgxWOycnmfFoR7LDrXrj271xkGtIsEOT68WcyqfXYHBHgoR2dFmeInY/s200/love__beach__sunset__by_danicafaye-721652.jpg" width="200" /></a>First of all, it is not that can’t take a short term
relationship and make a long term committed marriage out of it, many great
marriages have started with no intention of ending up that way (married). It’s just that the two types of relationships
are based on different values and have different intentions. A short term relationship – one that may
include fun and lots of recreational type of sex – is mostly about you. So
ultimately what has to survive in short term relationship is you not the
relationship. By contrast a long term
committed relationship is focused on the relationship and therefore what must
be preserved is the relationship. You actually take second seat to the
relationship. So what happens when two people get into relationship is that
they ultimately discover their differences.
It is inevitable that you will have differences simply because you are
different people. What committed people
do is that they commit to resolving those differences. The differences and
their associated difficulties become the reason for breaking up in a short term
relationship, but they are the essence of what makes a committed relationship
strong.</div>
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So the answer to my woman friend was not what she had called
to find out. I told her that this sounded like one of those pivotal points
where she had to decide if they wanted to make a go at a long term committed
relationship. If that becomes the case – and it can only become the case if
both parties agree to it – then this impasse becomes the first of many hurdles
that they will encounter and must overcome. Just because the impasse had seemed
problematic did not mean they had to break up. Unless, of course, this was only
a short term adventure. In that case, she had better take care of herself,
which most likely meant she needed to break the tie. “And how do I do that,”
she asked.</div>
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Swiftly and bluntly – in no uncertain terms. In
relationship, I told her, men do not understand subtleties. In fact it often
requires a stick of dynamite or a two by four across the temple. We often don’t
get it when you like us and want us to come after you , and we certainly don’t
get it when you want us to go away. So
be clear and to the point. Clean cuts
heal faster and after you want out of there as quickly and cleanly as you can.
Short term relationships are about you not him.</div>
A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-442894213345126752012-09-14T10:08:00.002-07:002012-09-14T10:13:01.229-07:00Generating Authentic PowerOur society, it seems, is set up as an accomplishment-driven world. What this means is that we value and measure each other - especially as men - by what we can and what we have done. I must tote around my resume of accomplishments in order to be seen either as a man of my word or as a valued, results-producing go-getter. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHJtPx92Z1QTT19dDfaoKD8eqoPwBGLgmnmw35Zw2RW3FrEMwK7cnhJyIYslXeOU2wsibMPN9p2IVHo8U-uPWyDI_BrnosFQG8tMKBMeegFIK5gnme-m0Ox9_HnM6lXkDX1BWAN2QKv98/s1600/touchdown.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHJtPx92Z1QTT19dDfaoKD8eqoPwBGLgmnmw35Zw2RW3FrEMwK7cnhJyIYslXeOU2wsibMPN9p2IVHo8U-uPWyDI_BrnosFQG8tMKBMeegFIK5gnme-m0Ox9_HnM6lXkDX1BWAN2QKv98/s200/touchdown.jpg" width="180" /></a>But when men reach a certain age or level of maturity, accomplishments are no longer the measure of worth. In the second half of life (as Richard Rohr calls it) our goal is more about creating worth through what we give rather than what we get or win. This all came to a head yesterday as I talked with a friend and contemporary (he is as old as me) who was signing up for a goal-crunching program in order for him to up his personal integrity. This man said that in his life he has seen where he has often not accomplished what he said he would and that he has not "shown up as his word" far too often.<br />
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I asked him what he though integrity meant to him and he told me that it meant doing what you say you will do. Well, that may be true, especially in an accomplishment oriented first-half-of-life society. Integrity is the consistency between what you say and what you do. But in the second half of life we lose the fascination with trophies and points, so integrity of our word takes on a different texture and flavor. "What if," I asked him, "you looked at integrity as telling the truth about where you are right now?"<br />
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The wisdom and power of integrity at that point would look like telling others how much being out of integrity in the past has cost you. You could look at the wounds and scars you have and say, "This is where I failed to do suchandso a thing, and here is what happens when you don't do that." and so on. How powerful it is to be fully present to one's failures and the lessons learned from them, instead of pretending that history didn't teach him anything and having him try to (once again) white knuckle through another program of goals and accomplishments. Doing the later would no doubt result in another imbalanced list of losses and a few wins, and further the evidence of his life that he cannot accomplish these huge piles of goals - and that therefore he must suffer one more hit to his pride and integrity in the accomplishment world.<br />
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Enough is enough! He does not need anymore evidence. What he needs, if anything, is the ability to tell the truth and to be fully aware and present to his results and lack thereof. Then, standing in the truth, fully aware of the associated pains and joys of his life, he can finally claim his authority - authority in his own life and his authority for the wisdom he dispenses. It may be hard to face the truth, and even harder to stay fully present to it, but the power that reveals is immense.A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-30475550046281111522012-09-04T18:19:00.000-07:002012-09-04T18:27:48.140-07:00Defending the Caveman<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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It is rare that I feel compelled to respond to another
person’s op-ed words, generally because I respect the art of writing and as a
writer myself, I understand that editors can take whole hunks out of a writer’s
presentation leaving it tattered and sometimes less than coherent. But
sometimes, a person strings together such misinformation and assumptions that
not only is the premise fouled in the process, he (in this case) creates
massive disservice to entire groups of the population. Such is the case with
Barry Nolan’s recent “Take” in Boston Magazine (September 2012, 50:9, pages 39
ff) entitled <i>Attack of the 50-Foot
Feminist Agenda</i>.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhX_LafHiolsQZ4wk4HYrL8DcaBkme4X2Qm5PECoXIq1reNQRziLemCFx7jTeK7SgclzNKuZev1GlaGDXXZuw17A_dwEJU3QqMRxw7jjd_SVtVYGMWt2C2KIwVv7-Kz-IAY5IdOLLfQrus/s1600/attack.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="115" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhX_LafHiolsQZ4wk4HYrL8DcaBkme4X2Qm5PECoXIq1reNQRziLemCFx7jTeK7SgclzNKuZev1GlaGDXXZuw17A_dwEJU3QqMRxw7jjd_SVtVYGMWt2C2KIwVv7-Kz-IAY5IdOLLfQrus/s200/attack.jpg" width="200" /></a>As Mr. Nolan portrays the situation, men have somehow
de-evolved from the drum-beating, new-age, poetry reading cool guys of the 80’s
into a backlash of self-righteous cavemen who claim to be victims of the feminist
movement. Nolan reports that said men,
enraged at the disservice the femininely sympathetic court system has given us
men, are now waging a war of inane politics that blames the victims of domestic
violence and seeks to pull down every step of progress made over the last
thirty years. </div>
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Now hold on there, Bucko,
you sort have swept a pile of crap into those assumptions.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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First of all, the men’s “movement” was neither started by
Robert Bly nor was it organized in order to bang on drums and dance naked
around the fire. For thousands of generations, men have supported other men in
becoming the best they could be, whether that was in battle (which it was for
most of that history) or as husbands, fathers and members of society. While
there are some lessons we need to learn from our sisters, these men’s circles
existed because there are just some things that women cannot teach us and that
are best given by our peers. Borrowing from Bly a bit, some of that work, like
grief work, most women would prefer not to see anyway – it is not pretty. But men’s work is about supporting men to be
great.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And part of what can be great about men is taking a stand
against domestic violence. Men can be valiant or violent, says Alison
Armstrong, and we certainly have the genetics stacked against being valiant.
Some 10-20,000 years of selective evolution has ensured that the genes passed
on were not the nice guys, but the Huns, Vikings, Visigoths, and other
conquerors who took women as the spoils of their murderous raids. And we all
walk around with that genetic time bomb ticking away inside. To be sure, most
men are prone to violence, but it is men who must stop that cycle and come down
hard on perpetrators of any violence against women and children. Many valiant men have stood side by side with our sisters in the service of women and children. Thank all that
is holy that we, as a society, have made progress in ensuring safety and
justice.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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However, justice is not a one-size-fits-all issue. And many
times fathers have lost their rights as parents and their place in the home
through the well-meaning divorce courts. Granted, a violent man needs
rehabilitation before any element of his social system (courts, extended
families, churches or neighborhoods) thinks of allowing him near those whom he
has victimized. But those rulings should not be dolled out in equal measure
when we confuse a “normal” divorce with court-ordered separations. The fact
that not one father has ever been awarded custody in any divorce proceedings in
the entire recorded history of the State of New Hampshire or that our
liberally-minded state is not too far in front of that, suggests that courts
may have a bit of an anti-father bias.
It is for that advocacy that groups like Fathers & Families and
Fatherhood.org were first organized - to assist fathers in their quest to
maintain meaningful relationships with their children, and to work with the
courts in reducing the financial burden of alimony when it is either
disproportionately large or egregiously long.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Alimony and child support are both righteous principles but, like unions that were built to ensure fair treatment of employees, sometimes
even the best ideas get out of hand. An overzealous union can cripple a company
or an industry, and an overzealous court, attorney or judge can throw a man
into such a financial bind that he is never able to live a productive life
again. These and other men’s organizations have been working to even out such
adjudications where they have become crippling.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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In Mr. Nolan’s defense, could there be zealots who seem to
push too far? I have no doubt. But were there not some feminists in the early
years who pushed a radical agenda to wake up the nation and the world to the
plight of women? Absolutely! Sometimes leaders must sacrifice themselves by
going way over the line for the good of a cause that can only move only steps
forward at a time. But I fear that the
nature of Mr. Nolan’s article may do more damage to any progress either side
has made. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The battle is far from over. There are movements afoot
within the political parties to legislate women’s reproductive rights. There are parts of our country where violence
to women and children is not thought of as morally wrong – it is condoned or
ignored. Incest, spousal rape, psychological abuse and physical violence are at
epidemic levels, yet much of it is never reported. Those of us who care about
such things must band together instead of slinging mud at each other and
inciting to riot! Hopefully in the battle for domestic justice, we can do
better than our political system that seems to ignore the real, serious issues
and instead resorts to name calling and slander. Get your facts straight Mr. Nolan. Get your
ass into a real men’s group and let them assist you in getting your head out of
it. There is work to be done, and right
now you are just in the way and causing harm.<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-14670435772583218472012-09-02T09:49:00.001-07:002012-09-02T09:49:41.108-07:00When Knowing Isn't EnoughWhoopie shit! So I write this blog and with Dave's great insights and help have written <u><i>A Married Man's Survival Guide</i></u> and now it's sequel, <i><u>Thriving in the Jungle</u></i>, and then something happens like this past week that causes me to question it all. The occasion was when a close relative came to me because their marriage was about to fall apart. Real stuff that I have dealt with many times before with friends and buddies, but this one landed really close to home.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx8j6NCUBtjJXpX08wi2YpYCpt8zhzu5B-pB2aNA_0dnWHR_UIp9bQl-OPQ4FpMeIO-DSsiM4nRVz_sYD9NLT-UTRBgX6s19YeUFLCUWw2e3l0AV6sNP6yLAhgifXP2d8RGD3gqpdrDXU/s1600/Broken_heart.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="163" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx8j6NCUBtjJXpX08wi2YpYCpt8zhzu5B-pB2aNA_0dnWHR_UIp9bQl-OPQ4FpMeIO-DSsiM4nRVz_sYD9NLT-UTRBgX6s19YeUFLCUWw2e3l0AV6sNP6yLAhgifXP2d8RGD3gqpdrDXU/s200/Broken_heart.png" width="200" /></a>My first instinct was to think "What advice can I give that might make a difference?" But the pivotal phrase in that sentence is "make a difference" and all the advice in the world has never made any difference - to anybody. That isn't what matters when the bomb goes off right next to you. All that matters is that you are there. All that matters is that you listen (without editorializing), just listen.<br />
<br />
Oh to be certain, I have an opinion. I have failed at marriage and have gotten divorced and I have lived through dealing with the monster that occupies the space between failure and the final decree. And all I can really say is that it sucks - as in it sucks all of the life out of you, all of the oxygen out of your lungs - and you cannot think or breathe or move. And what is worse is that the way that felt for me is different than how it will feel for my brother or my kids or for you going through that same in-between space.<br />
<br />
I (or you) can never know what it is like for another, no matter how well we know that person or the path they are walking. We just have no insight into what they are experiencing, and even when they tell us of that unique brand of suckitude fron which they are presently suffering, we will only understand it in terms of what we have as words and history and feelings. We won't understand theirs. So all of that knowing is for shit - it has no relevance in the space in-between.<br />
<br />
So we laid there and stared up at the ceiling and I listened into the confusion and pain. And as quietly as I could I let the tears of remembrance slide down into my hairline so I wouldn't interfere the telling and spewing that was happening beside me. And eventually we laughed and went to sleep, so we could get up and talk and listen some more.<br />
<br />
It's not over and I am not deluding myself into thinking that I made even an iota of difference. But I did no harm by assuming that I knew more or different or better. Sometimes the experiences and pains of life teach you that we all have those periods - those explosions - in our lives and what matters is that we aren't alone. My pain has taught me compassion for the pain of others so that I can listen without opinion - and for a short while maybe it didn't hurt as much.A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-43355198852843397972012-05-29T15:56:00.000-07:002012-05-29T15:56:18.021-07:00Somebody That I Used to KnowI am haunted lately by the song by Gotye and Kimbra that chronicles a broken relationship. He singing from the perspective of one reeling from the end of the current relationship and she from having made the choice to leave because he hadn't let go of another previous relationship. Go figger! Does that really happen? Actually the question might be when does it not happen or how often is that the case?<br />
<br />
Living in relationship is a process of entangling the very fibers of your being with those of another and if and when that ends in a break up the fingerprints of that relationship do not disappear immediately, if ever. In Bob Seger's song <i>Traveling Man</i>, he says that each love left traces on his soul. I kind of think of them as being etched into my soul. I gave my life to each one for the time we were together and is that supposed to fade into nothingness after we are no longer an item? And as for marriage - readers who are familiar with me know that these 20 years of marriage were not my first - I have been married before and fathered two outstanding daughters from that previous marriage. And is their mother supposed to be just somebody that I used to know? I think not.<br />
<br />
The relationship did not end well. I was stupid and made very stupid choices that left my ex no alternatives but to divorce me. But when I came to, I realized that I was still deeply committed as a father and that meant I needed to forge a relationship with their mom. It took work and it took time, but it has been worth regaining her as someone I still know and cherish. Recently one of our adult daughters did something pretty spectacular, something about which I knew we were both deeply proud of. I took the occasion (as I have done many times in the past) to call up my ex-wife and praise her for the magnificent job she did as a mother. She tried to deflect and say I had a part, but I would not be deterred. I knew that the bulk of parenting through their formative years had hers - and I just wanted to thank her for what she had done.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiKYLnUypkc_Dkf7Dw0NuSbJjwIl79u7FrB0Tkz2qpu-AwfeDYNSDytguxkgBh7RPQ-9eXUU2u1RaCwbHb17o6fT_jevDu0dnZOl3RyEZ-QNl3MXi6Tehx43_tc2i5raV6YJqE4_JfdOw/s1600/manwoman-cheating.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="131" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiKYLnUypkc_Dkf7Dw0NuSbJjwIl79u7FrB0Tkz2qpu-AwfeDYNSDytguxkgBh7RPQ-9eXUU2u1RaCwbHb17o6fT_jevDu0dnZOl3RyEZ-QNl3MXi6Tehx43_tc2i5raV6YJqE4_JfdOw/s200/manwoman-cheating.jpg" width="200" /></a><br />
But the point of this story is that I am clear that she is not just somebody that I used to know. I know that she and each lover I have known has become an inextricable part of who I am. And I am just another man. We men do that. Women think we fear commitment. But nothing could be further from the truth. We commit hard and we commit fully. And when that relationship ends, our commitment somehow does not. It lingers and hangs out in the deeper recesses of our memory. Their traces on our soul are pretty much permanent.<br />
<br />
So when asked by your current (wife, lover, girlfriend - you fill in the blank) if you are "over" your last love, you can lie and say you're done. But if she is a normal woman with their uncanny sixth sense that sees through walls and senses even the slightest change in mood or temperature, she will eventually know someone else is still in there. And if she is hung up on being the exclusive tenant of your soul you may end up singing along with Gotye and Kindra that she's just somebody you used to know.A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-88062770308280673082012-05-02T07:05:00.000-07:002012-05-02T07:05:43.611-07:00Understanding Women<br />
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Sorry about the length on this one guys!</div>
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We have heard
that there is a workshop coming to Boston for men called "Understanding
Women." While it is led by a woman whose writing we deeply respect, we
think that there are two fundamental problems inherent in addressing this topic
and we would be remiss if we did not bring those to the attention of our fellow
men in relationships.<o:p></o:p></div>
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First of all,
addressing the topic of "understanding women" for men runs the risk
of allowing men to think that problems that exist in their marriage are their
woman's fault. You see, men, at our very
core, are problem solvers and try to solve every problem we see (read that as
“out there”). That translates into
thinking that everything needs to be fixed.
When men take the focus of their being off of themselves (and please
note that there is much to do in that arena and that men could and should spend
a lifetime just working on becoming better men) they think that any problem in
the relationship is a result of the different way of being of their emotion-based
wife. For men, all problems exist
outside of our bodies and our being. We do not as, a class of humans, tend to
be terrifically self aware except of our strength and power to overcome
obstacles.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We have heard and continually hear men saying
that their wife is a bitch, their wife is emotional, their wife is (you fill in
the blank). And when they do that, they
lose sight of the fact that they have a great deal to do with the genesis of
that problem. Irrespective of our ability or inability to actually fathom the
emotion-based logic of women, we are in danger of missing the point of all
men's work; <i>that the problems we perceive
around us can only be addressed by having us focus on how we are showing up in
the world</i>. Our general approach as problem solvers is that we will try to
muscle through and gain mastery of any problem we face. And arming men with some information on how
to understand women tempts them to think that they can master this aspect of
their lives as well.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYD89s0hwI1f-joWXq1AwTyWVykduHXIl-Ky7IRQcLrr5YCRHKPoxD2NtxBin2ucJMmSueCH6x8mW-3lrPt47q40NHU1FLmIIYmYT5AIcZOTZoW_oA3ht89U-JXKq-_GgJh0VEOj-njpQ/s1600/heidi+smile.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYD89s0hwI1f-joWXq1AwTyWVykduHXIl-Ky7IRQcLrr5YCRHKPoxD2NtxBin2ucJMmSueCH6x8mW-3lrPt47q40NHU1FLmIIYmYT5AIcZOTZoW_oA3ht89U-JXKq-_GgJh0VEOj-njpQ/s200/heidi+smile.jpg" width="196" /></a>We are not saying
that men should not do everything in their power to try to understand their
women or women in general. But this first caution is simply that any such
teaching must come wrapped in a package about how they (the men) are being or
showing up in the relationship. And based
on what we know of men, both as men and as trainers and coaches of men, is that
men frequently fail to be as introspective as they need to be in order to
successfully work their side of the relationship equation.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The second half
of the problem is that men and women just do not think alike and often their
rationale or logic seems convoluted at best and often just incomprehensible. Men have strived for centuries to
understand women. Most have given
up. And there is a reason why. The mentality of men can’t fathom the
mentality of women. Women simply think
differently than men. And, as long as
they do, understanding them will be nearly impossible to comprehend. </div>
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As we said, men are problem solvers by nature. If there is no gas in the car, you put gas in
it. If the faucet leaks, you fix
it. If the trash if full, you empty
it. Plain and simple. </div>
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Everything women do are based on their current emotional
state at that time. If there is no gas
in the car, she may be thinking that you don’t take care of her. If the trash is full, it could lead her to
feeling that she is not feeling appreciated.
Make sense? Right! It doesn’t make sense because our minds work
differently than a woman’s. In “A
Married Man’s Survival Guide”, there is a chapter that talks about how her
emotional state sets the tone in the relationship. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Here is a small excerpt:</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-size: 8.0pt;">When a woman<a href="" name="_GoBack"></a> feels something, she will (must) persist in that <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-size: 8.0pt;">feeling until
she is done; and you cannot “fix” that. Because her <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-size: 8.0pt;">emotional
state is a roller coaster by its very nature, your relation-<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-size: 8.0pt;">ship will have
its ups and downs. As much as you would like the <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-size: 8.0pt;">state of your
marriage to be more like a boat ride on the lake, it is <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-size: 8.0pt;">not and will
never be. Emotions simply do not have that quality— <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-size: 8.0pt;">e-motions are
always in motion. Therefore, your life together will <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-size: 8.0pt;">be filled with
surprises around every corner. Learn to monitor your <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-size: 8.0pt;">woman’s
emotional state. It will serve you well to know her cycles <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-size: 8.0pt;">and moods—if
for nothing else, to remind you that her emotions <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in; text-align: justify;">
<i><span style="font-size: 8.0pt;">don’t dictate
yours.</span></i><span style="font-size: 8.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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For example, men cannot figure out how the following can
happen. Have you ever been in an
argument with your woman when the phone rings?
It is her best friend on the other line.
She immediately changes her tone and emotion. “Oh, hi Julie, it is so great to hear your
voice. How are you doing? We should get together for coffee soon, I
miss you so much!”</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Then she hangs up the phone. The tone changes. Back to the argument. How do they do that? To men, that is physically and mentally
impossible! </div>
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<br /></div>
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We don’t purport that you don’t try to understand
women. If you put in the time and effort
and really listen and “be” with your woman, you can learn things about her that
can make a difference in your relationship.
But we would say that there is something even more important that you,
as the man in the relationship should do<b><i>. It
is to find and hold a “way of being” in the relationship.</i></b> This is also called holding a context. At the last session of our “Married Man’s
Survival Course” a couple of weeks ago, the class came up with ways that they
have been in their marriage that have helped them. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Committed<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Protector<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Provider<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Kind & merciful<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">I’m fucking funny<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">No matter what just say yes<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Everything’s going to be OK<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">I’m enough<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">You’re not my prisoner<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">I’m right here<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">I Love life<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">I cooperate willingly<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">Nothing’s a problem<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">I accept you just the way you are<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">This is fun<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i><span style="font-size: 10.0pt;">I am a lucky Man<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Try living from one of those perspectives for a
while. The point is simple here: No matter what happens in your relationship,
no matter how she feels, no matter what is going on, if your “way of being” is
present and strong, you will do fine and your relationship will thrive. What’s more, when you focus on this, somehow
(strangely) your wife appears to be less problematic. Stop trying to fix your woman and do the work
on being the way that generates safety, well-being and happiness in your wife.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-21843702536967665812012-04-03T15:03:00.004-07:002012-04-03T15:37:21.208-07:00Connecting the Dots<span ><span style="font-size: 100%;">A good friend of mine suggested that I get in contact with another colleague in the New York area. Now, there are two ways one can react to this: 1. Who has the time? I don't know this guy from Adam and our paths may never cross. 2. You never know - maybe we have something in common and some good might come from the contact. Of course I belong to and am a card-carrying member of the second camp. So I called.</span></span><div><span ><br /></span><div><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 120px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlMHe8wsoc4zA9TXOSghvg2mVUDUlrKig_QHBPcHF3ndFxOHVnXHbaPk_k4ghfgVh8PBIvEmilGIKDw0BhNjJ-p5wziQBG0J49jiAb7q4BQge0oy3sLaoUPlojes5Nrfdy3L7fxXwA69U/s200/connecting+the+dots.jpeg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5727306080839255506" /><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; ">And the truth for me is always revealed as this is how the world works. I had a great conversation with another professional in my field who has similar interests, is approximately my age and in the meandering conversation revealed that he has been married to the same woma<span style="font-size: 100%; ">n f</span><span style="font-size: 100%; ">or the last 39 years. Well I couldn't resist asking all of those MMSG questions about how he has made it work and comparing that with the voices of the masters we had interviewed for the book - and of course learning whatever I could about his unique style and success formula.</span></div><div style="font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 100%; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; "><br /></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;">But the really big truth I always find is that we men are really quite similar in how we approach relationships, how we see our wives - our women </span>partners<span style="font-size: 100%;"> - and what we find are the little things that make for big successes in a committed relationship. It's not so much that "we all put our pants on one leg at a time" (though secretly, just to piss off the great pundit in the sky who coined that phrase, I sit down and shove both legs in simultaneously, and chuckle), it is that we share the </span>same<span style="font-size: 100%;"> genetics, react to the same hormones, get schooled in the same traditions, and get slapped around by the same hierarchy that makes us so similar.</span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span ><span style="font-size: 100%;">And now - thanks to my friend - this "we" contains one more man than it did a few hours ago. And that is what is important; that we grow in wisdom, one man at a time, one relationship at a time, one day at a time, and each successive day, the circle of men is larger. Oh, and by coincidence, he lives about a block away from our good friends who just moved to the City - so we are planning to get together on the next trip down! It's all about connecting the dots.</span></span></div></div></div>A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-46621863313524717472012-03-24T14:46:00.004-07:002012-03-24T15:05:47.743-07:00Lessons LearnedToday I competed in the elders' division of ATA Nationals. I had practiced and trained to the best of my ability but in the end, I did not place in either event I had entered. But I won in a lot of ways. I won because I met eight magnificent men who cared for their bodies despite their age. I met a man who is 68 and who can do a full side split. That same man had won the "Triple Crown" (three separate World Championships - forms, weapons and sparring - in the same year).<div><br /></div><div>There were three other current World Champions in the ring with me. And they each taught me something. I learned that I am never too old. I learned to shut up about being old - it is a blessing to be alive each day no matter what your age. I learned that wanting and aspiring to something are not sufficient to make it happen. Everything worthwhile takes loads of dedication, training and practice.</div><div><br /></div><div>I learned that there men out there that I can aspire to be like - who are role models for what it means to be a champion and an elder. And, ye, there was one man in the group who was still stuck in that first half of like "winning is the only thing" mentality. He didn't win either.</div><div><br /></div><div>And I learned from my own experience as well. I learned that giving my best might not be enough to place, but I saw opportunities where I could grow and better my best. And I learned that I don't want to stop growing and improving. There is more out "there" for me to discover, more to give and more space to inhabit.</div><div><br /></div><div>So I didn't win or place but I grew a big chunk of humility and that is really really important in the end. Thanks to the eight magnificent men!</div>A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-71167689304560933212012-03-21T14:40:00.000-07:002012-03-24T14:46:05.277-07:00Entering the Ring<p class="MsoNormal">I am an elder. At least that is what I would be classified as by virtue of my 62 years of age and because of the number of men I have mentored over the last decade or so. And as an elder I am not supposed to be doing what I am presently in the act of doing – entering into a combat. The distinction of elder usually is bestowed on those who, having completed the elements of the first half of life, are now busied with passing those lessons on to others. Intrinsic with that definition is the idea that one is done with the contests and conquests associated with the first half of the life journey. And yet, the reason I am writing this is that I am currently aboard an airplane headed out to engage in one more “first half” endeavor – to engage with other men my age in martial arts competition.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">We are told that life is divided into two elements: the first half is focused on gathering and building, and the second more focused on giving and applying. I like Richard Rohr’s division. Rohr says that the first half is about building our container and the second half about using it, the first half concerns finding our purpose and then we must live into that in the remaining years of our life. So as young warriors we venture out into the world to conquer it and bring home our trophies and medals – signs of accomplishing our tasks. We define our space, build our container, as Rohr would say, by doing and winning. Then, having secured our place in the world, we move into a role of helping others from the wisdom of our contests, our failures and victories. Most importantly we teach from our scars and our wounds. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">So why am I setting out once again to compete? Have I not won enough, accomplished enough, failed enough, been wounded enough? I dearly hope that those are not the reasons I am doing this. No. As I searched my inner wisdom for some answer, I saw only one thing: my son. I have a late life son (my other children are grown and married with kids of their own) who as a young teenager is perhaps looking at this elder man in wonder. He wonders how I can relate to him. He wonders what it would be like to have a young thirty-something father – to learn from, to model and even joust with. He, like all boys his age wants a hero, and that usually is their father. And that is why I am on this quest.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">It’s not for me this time, no medals or trophies are needed anymore, not for me. And I really don’t think he needs me to bring one home for him. But to know that his dad, despite injuries and aching bones could one last time do what it takes to be in the ring, to even qualify, perhaps shows him some element of what a father hero is all about. I want to teach my son that it’s never too late to try. I want to teach him that giving your best may not result in the gold medal, it may not even be enough to place. But I want to teach him that there is something special and valuable in putting all you have into the quest, no matter what the outcome may be. I can tell him this as many times as I like, but it will never register as anything more than words. SO I am doing it to the best of my ability.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">I have dropped 15 pounds in the last month. I have doubled up my practice sessions and over the next few days I will be training and practicing and preparing to be able to say that this one, this time, I gave everything I could in his honor. This one is for Jesse. This is so that you know, my son, that giving your best is all that it takes and is all anyone can ask of you – in scholastics, in athletics, in music, and art and in all of life. Give it your all, my son. This is for you.</p>A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-63549492118544152582012-03-15T15:11:00.004-07:002012-03-15T15:29:18.987-07:00The Hurt PuppyRecently we had the great honor of having several women (accomplished, powerful and articulate women) come to the Married Man's Survival Course to serve as a panel for our men. Our intention was twofold: to confirm some of the many statements we make in the Guide about what women have told us regarding relationships, and to allow the men in the class to ask ANY question they had to some open and honest women who promised that they would do their very best to respond.<div><br /><div>It was breathtaking, to say the least! The level of honesty of these women and the vulnerability they showed while responding to our men blew us away. But about three quarters through the session a man asked an impossible question - one really that most likely reflected his own relationship but which he asked in a generic way. "Why do our wives say such hurtful things when we are arguing?" </div><div><br /></div><div>There was a pause as the women looked back and forth at each other, then one brave, beautiful soul spoke these words:</div><div><br /></div><div>"I don't know what your wife feels, I can only speak about how I feel. When I am hurting all I can think of is that hurt. Trust me, I really don't think she is talking about you. She just hurts and that's all that can come out." Then she added, "A long time ago I had a puppy. it was the gentlest, sweetest dog I have ever had. But one day it got out into the street and was hit by a car. I ran out to get my dog and take care of her and as I gently picked her up, she bit me. I don't think it was me she was biting, I just think she was hurt and was protecting herself from further hurts. I am just like that puppy, and I don't want to be hurting any further!" </div><div><br /></div><div>All the women nodded in agreement. And the men in the room knew what she meant.</div></div>A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-56720926777662828362012-01-07T06:17:00.000-08:002012-01-07T06:47:09.588-08:00Stephen Hawking Does't UnderstandIn a recent article in the British magazine <i>Guardian</i>, author Jean Edelstein reported on a conversation with Stephen Hawking (who many claim to be the smartest human alive) where the esteemed physicist claimed to be baffled by women. However he offered up a few analogies for dealing with women from his understanding of the universe.<div><br /><div>In essence, Hawking says that just because we don't understand something that should not prevent us from exploring and trying to learn more. Black holes, once thought to destroy anything that came within its gravitational pull, may not be totally destructive. Women, Hawking said, are much like black holes. <i>(Now I can really relate to that having been sucked into the vortex of many a woman's gravitational pull!)</i> But, like black holes, they are not all dangerous and destructive! <i>(Tell me more, Dr Hawking!)</i></div><div><br /></div><div>One piece of advice I found particularly amusing was that Hawking said that watching porn on the internet to understand female sexuality is about as useful as reading an arctic geography textbook in order to understand multivariate calculus! Exactly! But the message here is that there is a way to study and understand calculus just as there is a way to study and understand your wife.</div><div><br /></div><div>And that is the point I would listen to from this brilliant scientist. I really don't care what his experience with women is or isn't (as you may know Stephen Hawking suffers from ALS, and has been severely handicapped most of his life) but what this man has done is that he, almost single handedly, has pushed the outer limits of our understanding of the physical universe far beyond what we had ever known. He has dedicated his mind and his life to understanding the mysteries of science and the physical world. And in that maybe we can take a lesson.</div><div><br /></div><div>Here is the challenge Hawking gives us as ones who don't quite understand the mystery of women: study your wife, engage her in dialogue, listen to her from a position of not-knowing and of wanting to understand - and dedicate your life and your mind to the discipline of learning what this magnificent and perfect person is with whom you have chosen to live your life.</div></div>A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-43517672384090744702012-01-07T05:39:00.000-08:002012-01-07T06:17:36.561-08:00Women and DiversityIt may come as news to some but diversity is not about equal opportunity among blacks and whites or women and men or whatever. The essence of diversity is that each person is unique and different and because of those differences every other person is called to embrace and accept them as one more piece of the puzzle of what it means to be human. For example, if I want to solve a particularly gnarly puzzle, it would not serve me very well to assemble a team of like-minded people to help me - we would just increase the probability that whatever error I currently suffer from will prevent the group of me's from solving it. <div><br /></div><div>On the other hand if I assemble a group that has radically differing backgrounds, experiences, educational backgrounds, who have struggled with their own unique problems, our combined perspectives would far more likely contain the solution set required by the problem. An individual who is bound to a wheelchair has to exercise a level of creative planning on a daily basis (lest they hit a crack in the sidewalk and topple over and have to figure out how to get back up) that would exhaust you or me. A shorter person may go through life concerned for safety unlike one who is 6'3" and athletic. Anyone in any minority grouping (name it - it doesn't matter) must continually deal with rules enacted by those in power (i.e., the majority) and is not so much concerned about being treated the "same" but rather being recognized and praised for their difference. And diversity consciousness is all about enjoying the differences.</div><div><br /><div>So what does this have to do with women and men in relationship? Everything! When we say that women are a mystery to us, neither of us are claiming ignorance. Rather we are recognizing that we are both males and have never had to deal with the issues of growing up female and what differences that might produce in our thinking. But we do not reject those differences. Like understanding diversity, we want those differences in our lives. We rejoice in those differences (I would not want to marry me!) and welcome them into our world.</div><div><br /></div><div>Women and men are different, way different. Get over it! I am all for equality in pay or status of careers and so on, but I am not at all concerned about men acting like women (becoming feminized) or women acting like men. When and where we have our common human traits, of course we are the same and we should view that the same. But where women are not like men and where we men are not like women, let's stop trying to force equality.</div><div><br /></div><div>Different is good. Much research (we quote a lot of it in the <i>Guide</i>) has shown what those differences are. What we are saying when we claim not to understand women is simply that we should never lay claim to fully understanding what it feels like to be a woman. Life is experienced differently by women, sex is experienced differently by women and men, and marriage itself is experienced differently. As a caucasian male born in the US it would be ludicrous to claim that I know and understand the plight of African women, or that I understand oneness as an Asian monk does. That is as chauvinistic as claiming to "understand" our wives. However like with diversity, that awareness is a mandate to seek out our women's perspective, to listen to their point of view, to embrace it as valid and truthful and to challenge the validity of our own thinking as "different."</div><div><i>Vive la difference!</i></div></div>A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-17872482736718456412011-12-27T15:02:00.000-08:002011-12-27T16:02:47.421-08:00War of the Roses (Cheating)<div>I am a regular listener to Karson and Kennedy's "War of the Roses" bit on Thursday mornings<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSxEjg53D_odzptousbXwuUQXyx7ex0WP4VQlSNW_oSaCiMb2NrBr4cTb5pHUD5nD9vrXsUpaCUy1KHXE9Xf2e3IjlJhK7PwBxMM7w-xdkOYOwi2SAXLUjlMeSqC9vVJbIcxieMsM9ajM/s1600/roses.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 200px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 134px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5690961472440167970" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSxEjg53D_odzptousbXwuUQXyx7ex0WP4VQlSNW_oSaCiMb2NrBr4cTb5pHUD5nD9vrXsUpaCUy1KHXE9Xf2e3IjlJhK7PwBxMM7w-xdkOYOwi2SAXLUjlMeSqC9vVJbIcxieMsM9ajM/s200/roses.jpg" /></a> on Boston's Mix 104.1 (<a href="http://mix1041.radio.com/">http://mix1041.radio.com/</a> from whence I borrowed this image) where a man (sometimes) or woman (mostly) calls in suspecting their partner of cheating. Ms Kennedy then calls that person up and offers a dozen long stems to the person of choice and invariable the idiot blows it. It's sad, yet somehow has me listening. But we have a bit of advice to give would-be cheaters about having an affair straight out of the Married Man's Survival Guide.</div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><div>Don’t—don’t go there! Period. End of sentence. Good-bye. ‘Nuff said.<br />Look, we understand that at times the woman you live with and have committed to sharing your life with, to growing old with, yeah her, that woman, can be a (check the appropriate bullet below):<br />Royal pain in the ass<br />Bitch<br />Holy horror<br />Major problem<br /><br />But she is your pain/bitch/horror/problem. Furthermore, we recognize that the source of her being that way might not necessarily be you. So what? Deal with it. That is what marriage is all about—dealing with the issues. Hey, any fool can deal with the ideal woman who is never a problem. It doesn’t take skill to do that! But when she is too much to take, hanging in there takes real skill.<br />And having an affair because she has shut you out, or because she has become more problematic than you want to deal with, or because some young thing has winked at you will not only make matters worse, it will result in your now having two problems not one. So let’s lay down some basic rules concerning having an affair:<br /><br /><strong>Rule #1</strong>—<em>It is not a matter of IF she will ever find out, it is only a matter of WHEN she will find out!</em> One of the basic differences between men and women is that men tend to show loyalty by withholding and protecting state secrets. We know we can trust a man when he repeatedly demonstrates that he is worthy of confidentiality by <strong>not</strong> talking to others about what happened. Women, on the other hand, establish trusting circles by sharing secrets. It is their way of including another at the most intimate and trusting level. (Remember the “stain” on Monica Lewinski’s dress? How do you think that story got out?) So, this being the case, that doe-eyed “understanding” woman you might consider spilling your guts with, and your seed in, will need to share her secret with others. It is only a matter of time until her circles of influence cross paths with your wife’s. So from the very beginning you better be aware of the fact—and it is a raw, cold, hard fact—that she will find out. At that point, you just might as well move on to the divorce chapter, because philandering is ample grounds for divorce in any state.<br /><br /><strong>Rule #2</strong>—<em>Comparisons kill!</em> There is a law in optics called the “Mach band.” It refers to the illusion of contrast when, say, a sheet of white paper is next to a sheet of dark gray or black paper. Right at the edge, the contrast is heightened making the white look brighter and the gray or black look even darker black. Diverting your attention to any other woman than your wife will produce the same effect. Not only will the contrast seem heightened, but it will be generalized to the entire sheet of paper, which in this case is both your wife and your potential mistress. Those behaviors that were formerly only ancillary irritants (i.e., not the big problems) will take on heightened proportions and make her downright ugly. Your irritation will grow into anger and disgust. Every aspect of her; her breathing, her hygiene, her voice, her perfume, everything will become more irritating in contrast to this warm seductive body with whom you are now entertaining the notion of an affair. By contrast, the other woman will take on superlative qualities. She will suddenly develop runway model characteristics. She will become more radiant, more voluptuous, and more irresistible than you ever imagined. And you will suddenly be unable to control your inner desires.<br />Don’t be a fool—it is just the optics of the Mach band!<br /><br /><strong>Rule #3</strong>—<em>The Groucho Marx Club.</em> Groucho was once quoted as saying that he “would not want to be a member of any club that would have [him] as a member.” Applied to the affair situation—now you have to follow this convoluted logic here—you are talking to a woman who: 1) knows you are married; 2) thinks that she might be able to seduce you away, and then subsequently; 3a) believes that you will never be unfaithful to her, so long as ye both shall live; or 3b) thinks that you are worthy of her love, having just been a philandering son-of-a-bitch to your wife! Does that strike you as logical and rational? If it does, we have some names of therapists in your area you may want to consult (actually any one will do!).<br /><br />Take it from the masters (not us - but those masters whose wisdom we arepassing on) this is s dumbass idea from the get-go. It is far easier to do the work of relationships than to deal with the pain and cost of affairs and eventual divorce. 'Nuff said!</div>A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-91666942745026774822011-10-29T06:35:00.000-07:002011-10-29T07:13:02.456-07:00Success Breeds SuccessWe don't fight anymore. Well it doesn't feel light fighting or arguing anymore.<br /><br /><div><br /><br /><div>But man-o-man, it sure used to. When we were first married, my wife could say those four words ("We have to talk.") and a chill would run down my spine. It didn't feel like an invitation! And after failing a marriage before, I was certain that such discussions would lead to another divorce. But as much as I tried to scamper away, she would not let me hide.</div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><div>So we argued and duked it out and solved the problem (gasp) yeah, we actually came to some kind of resolution. And gradually, one argument at a time, I learned that a couple can engage in an argument and come out the other side still in love. One at a time, we built a legacy of resolving issues - successfully - so that now, 20 years later, we have a significant pile of evidence that we can solve anything.</div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><div>And I have learned a few things along the way:</div><br /><div>1. "We have to talk" means I have not been listening to what is going on in her life and it's time to do that!<br />2. "What?" means I have an opportunity to rephrase what I just said!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1sdKuRA_LyVHUGYR6GwfPaKWvmudfF9YAavk-M9Dt9KIeAlG7G9kUhWPUnXVkqZO7aAgWz1FzGRLTZ-pZkOsocJJPIvM7yGYSvHFx9PNvaBNd_9gbwxqOo8Q-RPrHfj_1YYDePXMXcqA/s1600/sad-face03.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 200px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 150px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5668916354748799938" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1sdKuRA_LyVHUGYR6GwfPaKWvmudfF9YAavk-M9Dt9KIeAlG7G9kUhWPUnXVkqZO7aAgWz1FzGRLTZ-pZkOsocJJPIvM7yGYSvHFx9PNvaBNd_9gbwxqOo8Q-RPrHfj_1YYDePXMXcqA/s200/sad-face03.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div>3. "You (fill in the blank, as in you did this or that and I'm pissed/hurt)" means she is trying to tell me how she feels. In fact it is not about me; nothing she tells me about how she is feeling or how "I made her" feel has anything to do with me. She is just telling me how she feels.</div><br /><div>4. Tears are a sign of strong emotions and I need to stick around and listen or ask more questions.</div><br /><div>5. Silence is a sign of strong emotions that I need to wait for. It is best to let her be and assume that she will come around to discussing it later when she has sorted it out better.</div><br /><br /><div>But none of these is a cause anymore for me to run and hide or seek solace at the bar or in someone else. All of this and more show up as opportunities to build more successes. If there is anything at this point I am certain of, it's that nothing can kill us, that nothing is so big that we cannot handle it. (And don't even go down the path of "well what if you cheat on her?" because that is not gonna happen. This is a committed marriage and there is no room for that here.) When you put in the time to work on issues and resolve them, you don't think of escaping. I just know we can handle any issues, and why would I want to start that process all over with another woman? I have too much success built up to even think of trading that in. Success is quite an anchor!</div></div>A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-43212911973902509972011-08-04T09:46:00.000-07:002011-08-04T16:57:27.629-07:00Screwed for LifeA few weeks ago two teenage boys in New Jersey were convicted as sex offenders - a lifelong status they will never be rid of - for horsing around. The crime these two 14-year-olds committed was sitting, bare-butted on another kid's face. The were being 14 year old boys. And unless the appellate courts overturn the conviction, neither can become a teacher or a volunteer who comes anywhere near minors. Preschools and YMCAs will have to post their pictures in the lobby if they live withing three miles of the location, - and other such great punishments. Oh I suppose they might be able to become lawyers or politicians but basically for anything else they are screwed. <br />For life.<br />I am not saying what they did is right, nor am I claiming that the act would not have been humiliating or disgusting for the kid on the bottom (two years their junior). But what I will say is that it was not rape and it was not too far afield from what teen age boys have been doing for eons. Boys have been lighting farts, mooning school buses, comparing penis sizes and a whole host of other indescribable and unsavory actions since there have been boys on the planet. Again - it does not justify their actions. But do such actions warrant a life sentence?<br />I really want to go on a rant right here, but I am speechless. Our society has gone too far. Boys are labeled ADHD for their naturally high energy; boys are not permitted to struggle and fight (and learn that it hurts) so they never find out till it's too late; boys don't get to lose in games (everyone is a winner) so they have no concept of how to cope with and learn from their difficulties; and boys are seen as sexual predators. There was a recent case of a kindergarten boy who was expelled (from kindergarten) for what the teacher called sexual harassment (he hugged two girls). I constantly have to remind my 13 year old son that he needs to be very careful about what he says and how he jokes, least he be likewise charged and have his future ruined.<br />Enough already - it is not sinful to be a boy, stupid at times, but not a sin.A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-12770054958010525182011-07-19T02:54:00.000-07:002011-07-19T03:23:21.828-07:00Busted at the World Cup<div>I love soccer - really! Like hockey and rugby, it's more about what happens between the goalposts than the run-up scores when the Brady Bunch humiliates the Bills. And the World Cup provides the best of the best in the world of soccer (football as the rest of the world refers to it).</div><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div>So I was a little more than interested in the US Women's team road to the finals, and perhaps a little over confident when the final itself was versus Japan to whom they had never lost. It was a heartthrobber of a game, tied in the last few minutes by Japan to push it to overtime and then with only two minutes in overtime, tied again by Japan to force a shoot out. But I am not a sports writer; I am a man. and that is where I have to confess to something - I (along with most of the male sports fans who have ever seen a women's soccer match) am secretly in love with Hope Solo. Oh, she's good - really good! Her states are amazing and almost <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6f-YHCxmLi9MRnAuhCQ6-tLU03Y2ZUzHAZkSbSg_fwG5qtfZR9tRIYrTWfqnJrTlRvxueeMmU9LNmINlVODuoCVJRkR_DVvN4EOA3kNQE01JTjNoJSe3vB2I0dwOEEZ7T1l0SIiCkt0E/s1600/Hope-Solo-11.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 134px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 200px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5631005536629488882" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6f-YHCxmLi9MRnAuhCQ6-tLU03Y2ZUzHAZkSbSg_fwG5qtfZR9tRIYrTWfqnJrTlRvxueeMmU9LNmINlVODuoCVJRkR_DVvN4EOA3kNQE01JTjNoJSe3vB2I0dwOEEZ7T1l0SIiCkt0E/s200/Hope-Solo-11.jpg" /></a>read like Tim Thomas of the Bruins. But Sunday's shootout was - well - not so great. </div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><div>She was even gracious in defeat - she said she was "happy for Japan - they deserved it." You can't really get mad or feel upset at that, can you? But, here's the thing that seems obvious to me. I can't really get upset because I am still, after all my training and all these years, a sexist pig. I cut her slack because she is drop-dead gorgeous, powerful, agile and has a stunning smile. I don't do that with Brady - I don't care if he and Giselle play kissy-face in front of the cameras or if he models for Stetson cologne - he's a QB and that's is what he's paid for and why I am a fan. And he messes up some days - and I'm pissed.</div><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div>Busted!</div><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div>I am not pissed at Hope Solo. Maybe it's because I never played soccer competitively. Maybe it's because it's not really my home team. But most likely it's just because I am still a sexist. Damn it all - will I never get better?</div>A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-8510994089875699442011-05-23T11:34:00.001-07:002011-05-23T11:43:11.298-07:00Responsibilities in RelationshipsWhen we talk to women (wives of our men friends) they seem to have a common complaint that they alone carry the burden of work surrounding their marriage relationships. Why, they ask us, don’t their husbands step up to the plate? Are their men lazy or just clueless?<br /><br />Well, in a word, yes! Men have not been trained in the art and science of relationships and are generally not inclined to do so. However, we have strong evidence that those men who are in long-term successful relationships have learned and regularly use their relationship skills. But there is a qualification here: the relationship skills used by men are uniquely masculine and may not look like what their wives might call relating skills.<br />We find that men who have mastery in relationships do a couple things that their brothers don’t do as well.<br /><br />First and foremost, men need to continue to work on themselves. We call it “doing the inner work” but it amounts to taking life seriously enough to keep sharp and ready. This could be refining their skills in a professional area or staying physically fit. It could be taking classes or doing fund-raising for a charity. Whatever they take on, however, they use it to make themselves better in the process.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBfupV-G_5Jth4mRjqwNyH2scNS1sMgI9fxP-ne6-qdmXcAZ6g6LAZhmB4ZZz7bo2RUu6Lr7jTrTc_t8TlPmtldP6M-ULSolyp_Kxnz36z87zd8DXnSUa5IozOHfCD3Tm-B7iZM1_s65c/s1600/adamandeve6.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 200px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 157px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5609983163832872402" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBfupV-G_5Jth4mRjqwNyH2scNS1sMgI9fxP-ne6-qdmXcAZ6g6LAZhmB4ZZz7bo2RUu6Lr7jTrTc_t8TlPmtldP6M-ULSolyp_Kxnz36z87zd8DXnSUa5IozOHfCD3Tm-B7iZM1_s65c/s200/adamandeve6.jpg" /></a><br />Great men in relationship learn how to listen well in two distinct ways: They learn to listen without the knee-jerk reflex to fix something. They know that sometimes it is better to listen and sit with you than to rush off to find a hammer or wrench that will do the job. But what really distinguishes masters in relationship is that they learn how to listen to the issue behind what they are hearing. They learn how to hear the “why” behind “what” their wives may be saying. They become more intuitive in their listening.<br /><br />And thirdly, relationship masters know that what got them into a relationship in the first place was how they were focusing their attention on the woman of their choice and never stop doing that. We find that a great way to frame that when we talk with men is to tell them that they have to continue to court their wives. But this has two effects: one, it gets them to think of silly, sometimes meaningless, little things that delight their wives, of course. But the more important thing that this does is that it keeps them focused at home. We find that men tend to be attracted to whatever they focus on – it that is their wives, they’re golden, but if it is model railroading or the cute bartender at the local pub, they are in danger! They will be attracted simply by virtue of their attentiveness.<br /><br /><em>A Married Man’s Survival Guide</em> delves deeply into these and many, many more skills of relationship mastery that men can and do learn.A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-79179177175646166662011-04-19T17:43:00.000-07:002011-04-19T18:16:05.353-07:00Who's Right - Who's Wrong?There is a whole bunch of chatter in relationship circles about right and wrong; admitting when you are wrong; forgiving someone who is wrong; yadayada. So let's take that on for a second!<br /><br />I could go way down a tunnel about how what you see is unique to you alone and how perhaps you may never really know the objective truth of any situation, but that is a big can of worms - nightcrawlers, in fact. I suppose if human interactions were seedlings or boards or something, we could objectively measure them and all agree that "the fact is... that it is 3.57mm tall." Whatever! But human interactions are cloudlike exchanges where words have mixed meanings for both the speaker and listener, and where the words themselves are just a loose approximation of what is actually going on inside the heads of those involved. It is really sloppy stuff!<br /><br />Don't agree? Think of it this way: if you look up the word 'love' in the dictionary it says something like "a warm fuzzy feeling about a person or thing." But that (or any) definition comes nowhere near describing the length, breadth and depth of the feelings you have for your spouse or your children - yet we reduce it all to this little word "love." A few years ago, researchers at Harvard had same-culture pairs of people talk to each other for about 5 minutes and then transcribed those conversations. Leaving out the articles and prepositions, they asked the pairs each to define the words in their conversation. When they compared the definitions the researchers found that people had exact agreement on only 6% of the words - the other 94% they either slightly or greatly disagreed on. Where is the truth in that? Who is right when even the words we smile at and nod our heads to and follow along with mean different things to each of us?<br /><br />So here is the simple truth: ascribing rightness/wrongness is a losing proposition. Someone has to be wrong (put your head down, admit it and say "I'm sorry.") if another is right. It is important in relationship to recognize that right/wrong has no place in a functional relationship. We need to learn a different set of phrases: You didn't hear what I meant. I had a different assumption about that. I didn't understand your feelings. I was too caught up in my own thing to hear you. <br /><br />Being right is a child's game you learned when you were three or four, and perhaps it served you well through your school years. But being right is an immature attitude that needs to be outgrown in order to live in a healthy relationship. Get over your need to be right! Or go and be right on your crossword puzzle or in a science lab somewhere, and leave it there. Come back home in the maturity of accepting your spectacular differences (94% of the time!) and the juicy spaces in between. See what you can discover when no one needs to be right anymore.A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-73178158068043922052011-04-18T17:33:00.000-07:002011-04-18T18:33:54.151-07:00Male Energy<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9YQ7eJkJrYHBX6VqJLO0tnKyA1Kxon1fJi-gRYkoHzPQJgt_YyNQeTOvtc7tZ69JfMrTEKTcfv6H2FUKtQhi_KfFSyDejyFqIF9MTBNM894vBzWhqnjizZEDAf4J2N-55KSydy7xFWyQ/s1600/shannon%252520wedding%252520in%252520hawaii%252520_lanikai%252520beach%2525201.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 247px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 216px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5597094393821865250" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9YQ7eJkJrYHBX6VqJLO0tnKyA1Kxon1fJi-gRYkoHzPQJgt_YyNQeTOvtc7tZ69JfMrTEKTcfv6H2FUKtQhi_KfFSyDejyFqIF9MTBNM894vBzWhqnjizZEDAf4J2N-55KSydy7xFWyQ/s400/shannon%252520wedding%252520in%252520hawaii%252520_lanikai%252520beach%2525201.jpg" /></a> <br /><div><br /><div>In a few months I am going to Hawaii for a friend's wedding. And the groom asked that I do some kind of male ritual or initiation in lieu of a traditional bachelor party (we're beyond the point of strip clubs and getting too drunk to see). So I researched the island culture, checked in with a consultant friend who lives there and blended it with some of the traditions I have used in past ceremonies - cool!</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>But his fiancee wants everything to go just right (why shouldn't she?) and is worried that the men in her family who would come might not like it, might not want to come, might... (what? be typical men??) So I needed to explain some of what I have collected over the years on the nature of male energy and working with men. It goes like this:</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Male energy is wild and smelly and chaotic. Period. End of story. Working with men is like riding a bucking bronco - the game is to stay on for the ride, not to look good. In fact anytime you try to control male energy or make it sit down and fold its hands on the desk and be a good little boy, male energy will either leave the room or outright die.</div><br /><div></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitjHVtg-7niqKdiTlafFrRau03mYlA7OzSB7Cqo6Hpe4RGoAdvezSqjt3_9cX-NaeyOTyQBQ524QTKUZvUQ-aVuxqfjFto2uKa7uJl8EUm_UtSqlw_EpUQl-YdRVLrvvz-6uE5wzIS0Vo/s1600/leicester-wasps_1000035c.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 286px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 148px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5597093852362817250" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitjHVtg-7niqKdiTlafFrRau03mYlA7OzSB7Cqo6Hpe4RGoAdvezSqjt3_9cX-NaeyOTyQBQ524QTKUZvUQ-aVuxqfjFto2uKa7uJl8EUm_UtSqlw_EpUQl-YdRVLrvvz-6uE5wzIS0Vo/s400/leicester-wasps_1000035c.jpg" /></a> <br /><div>Working with men requires letting it flow from the collective masculine spirit present in the group. Often it doesn't look anything like what you planned - but those are the best sessions, and the best team meetings. Because they are raw and unbridled and totally present in the moment. We men wear our battle armor so much that it is rare for us to ever take it off, and the slightest hint of controlling has men reaching for their helmets and swords!</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>Oh sure I know where I am going and I will get the men there, but it will be with them and through their spirits and energies that we go - and I will lay money on it being a night to remember. And yes there may be a "man" who would rather sell his seat to be able to spend some cuddly time with a girlfriend than to be where we are (it's okay, I used the term man loosely as I think most likely his testicles are firmly in her grip!). It is one of the real filters in men's work - just the right men will show up and the ones who want to whine are better off not coming, thankfully. God, I love working with men!</div></div>A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-15625210670426973292011-04-13T17:46:00.000-07:002011-04-13T18:21:06.013-07:00Forgiveness - Tell Us Your StoryWhile many would say that love is the most powerful emotion and/or action available to any human, I personally think that the ultimate power is forgiveness. It requires coming from unconditional love - so in truth, it may just be the first cousin of loving. But let's toss it out there and discuss forgiving. So your wife did something that totally dissed you. You feel left out, dismissed, let down, yadayada. Maybe she did the horizontal bop - the ultimate no-no - with your best friend! What do you do? <br /><ul><br /><li>You could sue for breach of contract - cool: you are right; she is wrong - GAME OVER. </li><br /><li>You could be hurt, crawl under your rock and give her the cold shoulder and really punish her. Maybe you withhold caring, or touch or even sex from her - that'll show her. Interestingly though you now have two problems, hers and yours. Even harder to dig out from than the original grave you dug.</li><br /><li>You could lash out in rage, dress her down and run the risk of losing it totally and hitting her (or at the last moment missing her and putting your fist through the wall - same result). Now she is afraid of you, feels unsafe and rightfully wants to run and hide. Hmmm - that worked - NOT!</li></ul>Or you could go talk to your men and get the strength you need to get back in there and do something incredibly transformative - you could forgive. How strong are you? Hey any weakling can cop an attitude and get pissed off but it takes a truckload of strength to be able to forgive. (Gandhi said that forgiveness is the attribute of the strong - that the weak can never forgive.) Forgiveness is transformative - it changes everything. Maybe that's why all the great teachers - Gandhi, Jesus, Martin Luther King, Jr - and so many like them, all said it was the greatest gift. Forgiving is hitting the reset button in your brain - and resetting back to how things were before this ever happened. Forgiveness is not simply tolerating her "despite" whatever she did. Forgiveness is giving her back that state of adoration and love you once afforded her before. It takes real guts to stand in there and welcome her back. Nice words, guys! Right? We would love to hear your stories of forgiveness. Real men only - wimps need not apply!A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-91950287866757857852011-04-01T07:29:00.000-07:002011-04-01T11:43:34.033-07:00Male Spirituality<div><span style="font-family:arial;">I have been wondering lately - especially as I read more and more of Richard Rohr's writing on the subject (<a href="http://www.cacradicalgrace.org/">http://www.cacradicalgrace.org/</a>) - if the time has come to call for a new form of spirituality that appeals to men. I am not talking God talk here, but rather am re<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitq5HjPa9sVyy-S8BSMI0Tk7O_PsQRIWuv-G_bTZ9HdCV_wjATOcDtUY51FaElgcjtFLDf06coy9-iU1zx3ZcGsqRwgYbt7DqxYUkQolAvcsNJkcKioyaPRq2tH0VKD5HA5NWEAI_wZzg/s1600/richard_rohr_header.jpg"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 267px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 155px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5590687271594204370" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitq5HjPa9sVyy-S8BSMI0Tk7O_PsQRIWuv-G_bTZ9HdCV_wjATOcDtUY51FaElgcjtFLDf06coy9-iU1zx3ZcGsqRwgYbt7DqxYUkQolAvcsNJkcKioyaPRq2tH0VKD5HA5NWEAI_wZzg/s400/richard_rohr_header.jpg" /></a>ferring to an understanding of the sacredness of life and a reverence for the world at large. Clearly these have suffered at the hands of man (and I do mean men, not humanity). There is less respect for life - wars, murder and genocide continue at horrifying levels - and the biosphere we call our planet is endangered - stripped of the life-giving rain forests, and polluted in every aspect, the air, the water and the soil that sustain us. Yes it is clear that we humans - we men - are in dire need of a new spirituality.</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"></span><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><span style="font-family:arial;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:arial;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:arial;">Religious movements, it seems, have coopted the term (and the practice) of spiritual reverence. Churches dressed it up in linen and lace and perfumed it into pettiness and pomp. In other circles, we are told that we have to meditate a certain way or do yoga a certain way or chant in some weird dialect of Sanskrit - there is always a right way to do it! But men don't seem to relate to formulaic spirituality, at least that how it seems to me. We men relate to the physical, the tangible and the experiential. I understand that when the astronauts first saw earth from outer space, they were moved to begin a whole movement of conservation and one of them even founded what is now called the Institute of Noetic Sciences because it opened him up to an "inner knowing" of the connection of all things. He <em>experienced</em> it and suddenly had a spiritual reverence for things.</span> </div><br /><div></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:arial;">But not all of us can get into outer space and pictures just don't do the same thing. What we need is more time to walk in the woods (what's left of them), time to do a vision quest, or perhaps just a couple days or a week with a struggling family helping them build a small place of their own to live in. We have to get out and into the real world in order to be touched by its spirit. Enough with the lives of the rich and famous - enough! If I hear another money-grubbing rich dude story I just may go off the deep end, after I throw up. Enough with Dancing with the Stars; Enough with TV 'reality" shows - that is not reality. Reality is the human struggle for meaning and brotherhood. Reality is touching another person.</span> </div><br /><div></div><br /><div><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><span style="font-family:arial;">Men, our world is out of balance and going downhill pretty rapidly; the preponderance of the wealth of the world is held by less than a half percent of the population while those living in abject poverty are closing in on 50%. Who will right this ship, if not us? What can or will you do? </span><span style="font-family:arial;">If you get a chance, see the documentary "I Am" (</span><a href="http://iamthedoc.com/"><span style="font-family:arial;">http://iamthedoc.com/</span></a><span style="font-family:arial;">). It won't tell you what to do, but it just might resonate with something inside you and get you into action. Maybe if one of us tells another, and he tells another after that, maybe we can start a movement. I has to start somewhere. Why not here and now?</span></div>A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-21171960246402219962011-03-27T10:48:00.000-07:002011-03-27T11:03:25.118-07:00You Sexy Thing!<p style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:arial;">Research on human sexuality is changing the long-held opinion that we are by nature monogamous – at least that our sexual pairings are monogamous by nature.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The research of the past held the distinction that men and women form “natural”</span><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEEwbon4Qs-Ov9TD_uKtFqRZeYIJQ6yefL8o5YjzfME0bs0CiaoLF3vv0pmc5PSubJSHHzIep5zYne5EtaHCjcCXXNlnr8l3s5nCp9xm1m3nXPlNebYn4eQg9G2T34Cxwe1HqKOQGorxI/s1600/sex+at+dawn.jpg"><span style="font-family:arial;"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 206px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 192px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5588819686496082386" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEEwbon4Qs-Ov9TD_uKtFqRZeYIJQ6yefL8o5YjzfME0bs0CiaoLF3vv0pmc5PSubJSHHzIep5zYne5EtaHCjcCXXNlnr8l3s5nCp9xm1m3nXPlNebYn4eQg9G2T34Cxwe1HqKOQGorxI/s400/sex+at+dawn.jpg" /></span></a><span style="font-family:arial;"> pair-bonds has come under scrutiny of late.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Researchers like psychologist/psychiatrist partners Ryan and Jetha (authors of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Sex at Dawn</i>, HarperCollins, 2010) have produced remarkable evidence that not only is it uniquely <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">human</i> to have recreational sex (and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">animalistic</i> to have limited sex confined to ovulation) but that the notion of pair-bonding was actually a product of the religious beliefs of the time of and just preceding Darwin and other major anthropological researchers. In more blunt terms, humans (alone with the Bonobo monkey, our closest primate relative) are delightfully gifted toward promiscuity and not only capable of sex throughout the entire menstrual cycle, we alone (with our Bonobo cousins) seem to be the only ones that enjoy copulation for copulation’s sake.</span></p><br /><p style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:arial;">Ryan and Jetha show that the benefits in societies where open frequent sexual expression exists are many and quite positive: lower infanticide; lower aggression and murder; stronger bonds between women and women, between men and men and between women and men; almost negligible suicide and depression; and children feeling a sense of belonging.</span></p><br /><p style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:arial;">So what?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Is this permission to screw your neighbor’s wife.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>No – not really.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>But the first take-away from this research is a feeling that your roving eyes (and those of your woman) are not abnormal but in fact quite human and quite normal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It is how we humans have evolved to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>And the logical next thought that arises is that despite the<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>feelings of deep attachment we experience with our chosen mate, there is no evidence that “nature” will keep us attached or in a pair-bond with that mate for as long as we both shall live.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>So why are we doing this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Why marry in the first place? Why not live in communes or group communities as many aboriginal tribes still do?</span></p><br /><p style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:arial;">We have no moral judgment against anyone acting on these genetically driven impulses and attractions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>That is normal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>In fact, in light of Ryan and Jetha’s research, it might be considered <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">abnormal</i> to want to be monogamous in the first place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>But the raw truth is that, if you have chosen this path (of monogamous marriage), you are bucking your genetic predisposition to be sexually engaged with multiple females of your species. </span></p><br /><p style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:arial;">We have chosen to write a book called <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">A Married Man’s Survival Guide</i> and (soon to be released) <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Thriving in the Jungle</i> both of which work within the proposition of monogamous, commitment for life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>That we are predisposed otherwise makes your choice, and ours, both challenging and distinguishing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>While we admire it, we don’t accuse our brothers who wander nor do we get all righteous about being monogamous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It is just our choice – and having made that choice, we are committed to helping ourselves and our brothers to maintain that choice against the odds of doing what is natural and normal to our species.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">Thriving in the Jungle</i> picks up where the <em>Survival Guide</em> left off and is all about sticking with your commitment and enjoying the ride, the benefits and the longevity of the marriage. And we can't wait to get it in your hands.</span></p><br /><p style="MARGIN: 0in 0in 0pt" class="MsoNormal"><?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"></span></o:p></p>A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8729875967724994907.post-48058000884811554102011-03-18T04:50:00.000-07:002011-03-18T05:05:39.742-07:00Prepared for MarriageTomorrow my bride and I fly to Costa Rica to attend the wedding of two of our friends. They are both ready. Oh yea, they are in love, but that is not what makes them ready.<br />Ready for marriage is having your head screwed on straight. For a man it means having learned how to keep your wits and your commitments about you while in the presence of someone so attractive that you might otherwise be tempted to sell your soul to the devil to get. It also means knowing that any time two people get together, there will be (there <em>must</em> be) differences of opinion and of valuation, of timing and energy, of needs and desires - and that you are prepared to do whatever it takes to work through all of those differences yet to be discovered. <br />I am proud of my friend and will be standing at his side in full support of him and his commitment as they begin the journey. And I am standing there as the guardian of any possibility of a back door.<br />In marriage there is no back door. You close it, bolt it shut, brick and plaster it over and paint it so that you could never find it if you wanted. Then when there is no escape, you will be forced into the whatever-it-takes that really works things out. Congratulations, M&B, you are powerful, skilled, passionate and smart. With all of that, I know you will beat the ugly statistics that are betting against you.A Married Man's Survival Guidehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17298969017244786765noreply@blogger.com0