Creating Intimacy

We have often heard the adage that men get to intimacy through sex and women get to sex through intimacy. The trouble with that is that most men hear that as a big problem - that is that they must learn how to be intimate. And the simple truth is that men have not been taught much about how to "be" intimate.

Well, relax because we would like to submit a different point of view. Both of the above statements are true, but what you may not understand from them is that while your learning how to be intimate might not be a bad idea, in practice you need only learn how to provide the space and conditions for your wife to become intimate. It is she who needs the intimacy in order to become sexually engaged. You can be ready anytime - that is not the issue.

So the question becomes: what are the things you can do to create a safe haven in which your woman can open up and become intimate. Many of these are discussed in the Survival Guide but until that gets in print, lets list a few: Your strength and protection are primary in this arena but not sufficient in and of themselves. You will need to practice focused (uninterrupted) attention and listening, deep listening - the kind that hears what she means not just what she says.

Look at the physical environment as well. Space and the absence of distractors also add to the intimacy factor. In all, check back a few posts to look at the Art of War conditions as ways that you can create intimacy (rightness of purpose, timing, resources and location, execution and follow-through).

But we would love to hear from you. What are the things you do to create intimacy for your wife? Add your comments below.