Who Was HE?

Monday the sports world lost big time.  One of the granddaddies of modern sports, and unspoiled for over a century, the 117th running of the Boston Marathon was brutally attacked.  And I am fairly certain when and if the perpetrator of this sick crime is found out, it will be a man.

As a man who works to improve the state and reputation of masculinity, that cuts even deeper than the pain of losing something so special (I have personally run the Boston Marathon 4 times, and my family would wait to cheer me not very many feet away from where the second bomb went off - See http://pastorbecca.wordpress.com/2013/04/16/from-heartbreak-hill-to-heartbreak/).  It is almost not even a question whether or not a man did it - it is just assumed.  We are the violent ones.

But we aren't just that! I often tell men that if they want to understand the fullness of masculinity they need look no further than between their legs.  Part of our apparatus is hard, and aggressive, and that part can be hurtful as well as the source of pleasure for our partners.  But the other part of our masculinity is soft and quite fragile (if you have ever gotten a kick in the nuts, you know how fragile they are).  That part of us must be protected.  That part of us is the source of our life-giving, life-creating gift.

We often, as men, say to each other, "Grab your balls, and do it!" as a way to communicate the sentiment of getting tough.  But I think we have it backwards.  We need to grab those puppies as a way to remember that we have a soft underbelly, that we are vulnerable to attack and that we (and our species) need to be protected.

Yea, a man probably did that - a man that had no balls! He had no sensitivity for others or for himself. He had no compassion for the human race and, in fact, assembled his weapon for maximum pain and carnage. I have a difficulty containing my rage for that man, but I know that violence only breeds more violence.  The only way to heal this is through love and compassion.

So, brothers, grab your balls, and squeeze tightly.  Remember how fragile you and your life are. Remember your capacity to create and sustain life. We have to show up bigger and stronger than he did.  It is the only way.

Ready for Marriage

Yesterday I met with a man about to be married on one of his last days before the event. We talked about how his fiance is so filled with worries - she keeps telling him these things she is worried about: not having things ready for the wedding, her book she is working on, her business, and so on. And he said all he can do is listen.
Good job! I told him - but not just about the listening. What I helped my buddy see is that he had created a safe place for this wonderful woman and powerful entrepreneur to express her worries. He did that - where no one else could. And that is why she is marrying him. Above all else, he makes her feel safe enough to let out her emotions, her pains, her worries - and that is important in a marriage.
Now before I go too far, there are times when my friend should send her to her women friends to get something he cannot provide. Women bond with women when they share their concerns. Only a woman can say to another woman, "I know; I feel that way too." We cannot claim that simply we are not women. We do not know what it is like to be a woman and feel our way through life, just like they cannot know what it is like to be a male and have to "kill" to achieve (no not murder, but competition, like vollyballers do when they spike it over the net for a "kill.")
There will be times my bud will need his men, and times his bride will need her women (hopefully they do that frequently), but for now, in the days of preparation and readiness, this man has done a great job. And I smiled and hugged him and said, "Yea, you're ready! Good job."

The 10 Great Non-Truths About Marriage Success

These aren't outright lies - they just are not true, and believing them to be true misleads us.

1. Men have no relationship skills
Flat out wrong! Men may have different ways of relating, a different set of emotions and a different vocabulary about those emotions. But men can and do develop the skills of relating and relationship.

2. You need to learn to be a better communicator
False! Some men (and women) are not really good communicators; that is true. But you do not need to learn to be a better communicator, just a better listener.

3. Time heals all wounds
False! Wounds fester and rot if not treated, and she still will keep it on the list of all the things that hurt her or otherwise threatened her safety unless you work to heal it with her.

4. There is a right way to communicate and a right way to be in relationship with women
False! There are as many ways as there are people in them. The task you face is bringing 100% your authentic self to the relationship.

5. A perfect marriage is one that is harmonious and has no problems
False! A perfect marriage is one that can work out differences, problems and misunderstandings. Knowing how to start, how to stop or take a time out and how to stay in there when the going gets tough are the most critical skills.

6. Both partners have to work equally on the relationship
Wrong! Your marriage success is entirely dependant on you and how you show up. Show up like a whining little boy and you suck the life away; show up like a powerhouse and you become the solid foundation of the whole relationship. Believing it's her job or even half hers, permits you to slack off your duty!

7. Sex is the barometer of marriage health
False! While it is true that a damaged marriage might experience diminished sex, it is not a universal truth, and the inverse belief that sex will make a dysfunctional and damaged relationship better is erroneous.

8. Women are fickle and self-serving
False! Women make decisions more on how they feel about the options at any given moment. Part of what drives that is their fear, vulnerability and their need for safety. Understand how she feels, and you will know where she stands.

9. It would be good to get coaching from other married women on what works
False! You do not think like a woman and as a result would try to morph yourself into what you think they are saying. The best advice comes from successful men.

10. Topping the charts with a great deed will pay off for years to come
Nope, not true! You have to act as if each deed scores only one point no matter how big or small. Continually focusing your efforts on her is a discipline you must master.

Her "List"

In our guide we refer to the idea that your wife has on file in her head a "list" of previous screw-ups and hurts you have caused her. The specific term of list might not be exactly right but it is certainly how we men experience it. Let me explain.

Women, though many are powerful, most often experience themselves and their state as "prey." This is a result of being objectified, ogled, groped and (statistics say 1 in 3) raped. Their bodies, boobs and buttocks are under scrutiny, or paraded on the catwalk at all times. And we men more often than not see a woman's body before we see her personality. That is threatening to most women. As a result, women rightfully fear for their safety. They - perhaps not consciously - must constantly be evaluating if they are safe in this or that situation - your marriage being one of them. Thus when we inevitably cause a hurt or safety concerns it triggers up this memory of other hurts you (or perhaps even other men before you) have caused. This memory, let's call it the "safety file," is coded by type and severity. (Remember we are dealing with women who can distinguish and name twelve different hues of blue! They are gatherers, not hunters, who can determine exactly when the berry is the ripest.) Thus when you create a big hurt the big memories come out and often lesser demeanors will trigger off lower level memories of the same genre.

Whatever the case, this list is not something that she is holding onto to bludgeon you with at the right time. It is more like what Eckhart Tolle calls "the pain body" of her ego. It is stored memory of hurt and safety issues and each successive instance is compared with and added to that body of evidence. There is nothing you can do to change that. All you can and must do is, knowing that your wife experiences life as a safety issue, continually do whatever you can to make her life safe and her world as protective. The more you do the better she can fully blossom as her beautifully feminine self.

Creating Intimacy

We have often heard the adage that men get to intimacy through sex and women get to sex through intimacy. The trouble with that is that most men hear that as a big problem - that is that they must learn how to be intimate. And the simple truth is that men have not been taught much about how to "be" intimate.

Well, relax because we would like to submit a different point of view. Both of the above statements are true, but what you may not understand from them is that while your learning how to be intimate might not be a bad idea, in practice you need only learn how to provide the space and conditions for your wife to become intimate. It is she who needs the intimacy in order to become sexually engaged. You can be ready anytime - that is not the issue.

So the question becomes: what are the things you can do to create a safe haven in which your woman can open up and become intimate. Many of these are discussed in the Survival Guide but until that gets in print, lets list a few: Your strength and protection are primary in this arena but not sufficient in and of themselves. You will need to practice focused (uninterrupted) attention and listening, deep listening - the kind that hears what she means not just what she says.

Look at the physical environment as well. Space and the absence of distractors also add to the intimacy factor. In all, check back a few posts to look at the Art of War conditions as ways that you can create intimacy (rightness of purpose, timing, resources and location, execution and follow-through).

But we would love to hear from you. What are the things you do to create intimacy for your wife? Add your comments below.