Generating Authentic Power

Our society, it seems, is set up as an accomplishment-driven world. What this means is that we value and measure each other - especially as men - by what we can and what we have done. I must tote around my resume of accomplishments in order to be seen either as a man of my word or as a valued, results-producing go-getter.

But when men reach a certain age or level of maturity, accomplishments are no longer the measure of worth.  In the second half of life (as Richard Rohr calls it) our goal is more about creating worth through what we give rather than what we get or win. This all came to a head yesterday as I talked with a friend and contemporary (he is as old as me) who was signing up for a goal-crunching program in order for him to up his personal integrity.  This man said that in his life he has seen where he has often not accomplished what he said he would and that he has not "shown up as his word" far too often.

I asked him what he though integrity meant to him and he told me that it meant doing what you say you will do.  Well, that may be true, especially in an accomplishment oriented first-half-of-life society.  Integrity is the consistency between what you say and what you do.  But in the second half of life we lose the fascination with trophies and points, so integrity of our word takes on a different texture and flavor. "What if," I asked him, "you looked at integrity as telling the truth about where you are right now?"

The wisdom and power of integrity at that point would look like telling others how much being out of integrity in the past has cost you.  You could look at the wounds and scars you have and say, "This is where I failed to do suchandso a thing, and here is what happens when you don't do that." and so on.  How powerful it is to be fully present to one's failures and the lessons learned from them, instead of pretending that history didn't teach him anything and having him try to (once again) white knuckle through another program of goals and accomplishments. Doing the later would no doubt result in another imbalanced list of losses and a few wins, and further the evidence of his life that he cannot accomplish these huge piles of goals - and that therefore he must suffer one more hit to his pride and integrity in the accomplishment world.

Enough is enough! He does not need anymore evidence.  What he needs, if anything, is the ability to tell the truth and to be fully aware and present to his results and lack thereof. Then, standing in the truth, fully aware of the associated pains and joys of his life, he can finally claim his authority - authority in his own life and his authority for the wisdom he dispenses. It may be hard to face the truth, and even harder to stay fully present to it, but the power that reveals is immense.

Entering the Ring

I am an elder. At least that is what I would be classified as by virtue of my 62 years of age and because of the number of men I have mentored over the last decade or so. And as an elder I am not supposed to be doing what I am presently in the act of doing – entering into a combat. The distinction of elder usually is bestowed on those who, having completed the elements of the first half of life, are now busied with passing those lessons on to others. Intrinsic with that definition is the idea that one is done with the contests and conquests associated with the first half of the life journey. And yet, the reason I am writing this is that I am currently aboard an airplane headed out to engage in one more “first half” endeavor – to engage with other men my age in martial arts competition.

We are told that life is divided into two elements: the first half is focused on gathering and building, and the second more focused on giving and applying. I like Richard Rohr’s division. Rohr says that the first half is about building our container and the second half about using it, the first half concerns finding our purpose and then we must live into that in the remaining years of our life. So as young warriors we venture out into the world to conquer it and bring home our trophies and medals – signs of accomplishing our tasks. We define our space, build our container, as Rohr would say, by doing and winning. Then, having secured our place in the world, we move into a role of helping others from the wisdom of our contests, our failures and victories. Most importantly we teach from our scars and our wounds.

So why am I setting out once again to compete? Have I not won enough, accomplished enough, failed enough, been wounded enough? I dearly hope that those are not the reasons I am doing this. No. As I searched my inner wisdom for some answer, I saw only one thing: my son. I have a late life son (my other children are grown and married with kids of their own) who as a young teenager is perhaps looking at this elder man in wonder. He wonders how I can relate to him. He wonders what it would be like to have a young thirty-something father – to learn from, to model and even joust with. He, like all boys his age wants a hero, and that usually is their father. And that is why I am on this quest.

It’s not for me this time, no medals or trophies are needed anymore, not for me. And I really don’t think he needs me to bring one home for him. But to know that his dad, despite injuries and aching bones could one last time do what it takes to be in the ring, to even qualify, perhaps shows him some element of what a father hero is all about. I want to teach my son that it’s never too late to try. I want to teach him that giving your best may not result in the gold medal, it may not even be enough to place. But I want to teach him that there is something special and valuable in putting all you have into the quest, no matter what the outcome may be. I can tell him this as many times as I like, but it will never register as anything more than words. SO I am doing it to the best of my ability.

I have dropped 15 pounds in the last month. I have doubled up my practice sessions and over the next few days I will be training and practicing and preparing to be able to say that this one, this time, I gave everything I could in his honor. This one is for Jesse. This is so that you know, my son, that giving your best is all that it takes and is all anyone can ask of you – in scholastics, in athletics, in music, and art and in all of life. Give it your all, my son. This is for you.

Sharpening the Edge

Hey men, it is our pain that sharpens us - our wounds that teach us - our failures that forces us to focus. Why then do we complain? I hear men whining about their wives testing them or being a pain in the rear and then blaming their wives.

I really don't know her, but having talked with as many married men as I have over the years, I will lay odds that there is a bigger lesson there than "I have a bitchy wife." I read a blog recently that was truly sad. The male writer was heartbroken that his wife of one year was saying she didn't feel emotionally engaged. He should leap up and kiss her for being so communicative instead of sulking in the corner! She just told him how she was feeling = followed by the real give away "It's not you, it's me." So the truth in the matter was that his wife was simply telling him that she felt no juice.

So how did he get there in the first place? There was obviously some juice along that path and he needs to remember what it was that he did to court her.

Face it guys, we get lazy and need to be kicked in the pants every once in a while to keep sharp and on point. The Samurai warrior trains for years on the art of bonsai or flower arranging and while concentrating on that, his master sneaks up behind him and whacks him with the broad side of a sword! We must be alert and attentive at all times. The great master teacher said, "Be alert! If the house owner knew the hour the thief was coming he would be ready." You never know when you must be ready, so you must be ready all of the time in marriage. Embrace your problems - they make you sharp and strong. Next?

Having Your Men

I was reminded tonight why I am on a men's team and why I leave my family to meet in a circle of men on a regular basis. It is not what I got from my men tonight, nor is it really what I gave to any one man. Rather it was the raw honesty and lack of any pretense or posturing.

Men's work is not pretty or neat or orderly. Organizationally speaking (I am an OD consultant by trade) it does not fit in any hierarchy or pattern. Men's work is men being men. Stupid. Smelly. Cussing. Men.

I am a man. Before I am anything else - father, husband, lover, consultant, writer, whatever. What defines my being is my chromosomes, my genetic structure, my endocrine system, my masculinity. And there is only one place where all of that is just allowed to be what it is - with other men.

There are no ahas tonight to share. I am just grateful to be a man among men. It gives me a centeredness to be able to come back to my wife and my son and be the husband and father they need. Yea, that.

The 10 Great Non-Truths About Marriage Success

These aren't outright lies - they just are not true, and believing them to be true misleads us.

1. Men have no relationship skills
Flat out wrong! Men may have different ways of relating, a different set of emotions and a different vocabulary about those emotions. But men can and do develop the skills of relating and relationship.

2. You need to learn to be a better communicator
False! Some men (and women) are not really good communicators; that is true. But you do not need to learn to be a better communicator, just a better listener.

3. Time heals all wounds
False! Wounds fester and rot if not treated, and she still will keep it on the list of all the things that hurt her or otherwise threatened her safety unless you work to heal it with her.

4. There is a right way to communicate and a right way to be in relationship with women
False! There are as many ways as there are people in them. The task you face is bringing 100% your authentic self to the relationship.

5. A perfect marriage is one that is harmonious and has no problems
False! A perfect marriage is one that can work out differences, problems and misunderstandings. Knowing how to start, how to stop or take a time out and how to stay in there when the going gets tough are the most critical skills.

6. Both partners have to work equally on the relationship
Wrong! Your marriage success is entirely dependant on you and how you show up. Show up like a whining little boy and you suck the life away; show up like a powerhouse and you become the solid foundation of the whole relationship. Believing it's her job or even half hers, permits you to slack off your duty!

7. Sex is the barometer of marriage health
False! While it is true that a damaged marriage might experience diminished sex, it is not a universal truth, and the inverse belief that sex will make a dysfunctional and damaged relationship better is erroneous.

8. Women are fickle and self-serving
False! Women make decisions more on how they feel about the options at any given moment. Part of what drives that is their fear, vulnerability and their need for safety. Understand how she feels, and you will know where she stands.

9. It would be good to get coaching from other married women on what works
False! You do not think like a woman and as a result would try to morph yourself into what you think they are saying. The best advice comes from successful men.

10. Topping the charts with a great deed will pay off for years to come
Nope, not true! You have to act as if each deed scores only one point no matter how big or small. Continually focusing your efforts on her is a discipline you must master.

Amazing Dating Advice!

This post comes to you from Wayne Levine - Author of Hold On To Your NUTs and leader/founder of BetterMen. Check out his website at BetterMen.org - The following is a direct lift of Wayne's post - we could not have said it any better! Rock on, Wayne!

Amazing Dating Advice!
Be the man you want to be, and you'll get the woman you're meant to be with. That's it.

Oh, you were expecting more? Some techniques to manipulate her into liking you even though you're not too crazy about yourself? Perhaps some strategic maneuver to trick her into thinking that you're more successful--or more handsome--than you really are? Or did you expect some infomercial-king-style-of-advice that would help you score with the babes, despite the fact that you're terrified to meet women? Might we be looking at a "mommy" issue?

Am I making my point? The dating advice available--and purchased so enthusiastically by the unsuspecting--is mostly garbage. Why should dating require anything less than the other significant challenges in your life? If being the man you want to be is the foundation of being successful in your career, in your marriage, and as a father, doesn't it make sense that to be successful in dating, you ought to have a handle on being that better man? That's where the work is. Be a man you're proud to be. Have integrity. Exercise. Eat well. Have other men in your life who will help you to grow up and be that man. When you feel good about you, when you feel successful, that's what the women will see.

And by the way, unless you're a kid (young or old) who just wants to get laid, what most men are looking for is one good woman. That's all...one! The odds are in your favor, even without the breakthrough techniques available to you...if you order now! So rather than focusing so much energy on how to "not be yourself" in order to attract women, start focusing inside to be the very best man you are. The source of your power is not out there. It's an inside job. And when you've done a good job, inside, opportunity will start knocking. And she'll be just perfect for you.

And Baby Makes Three

One of the more significant changes in a marriage is the arrival of your little bundle of joy. For many men this signals the end of being the center of their wives' attention - as well it should be. Babies require not only a lot of attention, but are dependant on their moms for warmth and sustenance. But more importantly, a mother's experience seems best summed up in a saying I heard once: "The decision to have a child is to accept that forever your heart will walk around outside of your body" (K. Hadley).

Literally then the gestation and delivery of another life alters the entity formerly known as your wife. And while many men prepare in much the same way (I built something for each of my kids while they were cooking) it still is not the same, and bonding at birth and in early infancy only partially replicates what your wife has experienced. But this is not about her.

The shifting of focus that is experienced by many men is their fall from stardom. And the degree to which you are upset by that is the degree to which you had ascribed your self worth to your wife. This is extremely important to get - because percentage which you give away (ascribe to her) is then not available for you to bring to the marriage relationship. If you needed your wife to "make you whole" then you were not whole, and you were not giving her a complete and fully functioning husband. "Needing" your wife for your self definition is tantamount to always being needy.

Of course we all have "needs." But to burden your wife, or more accurately, your relationship with the task of providing for your needs is not only unfair, it is damaging. Recognizing your neediness and meeting those needs through your own resourcefulness, through direction your men's circle can provide, and through your spiritual connection with some source greater than you, is healthy and strengthening for the relationship.

The arrival of a baby is a miracle. But if you find yourself sulking in the corner thinking, "what about me?" then you would be well-served by looking inside and inspecting your neediness as a destructive burden on your marriage.