And Baby Makes Three

One of the more significant changes in a marriage is the arrival of your little bundle of joy. For many men this signals the end of being the center of their wives' attention - as well it should be. Babies require not only a lot of attention, but are dependant on their moms for warmth and sustenance. But more importantly, a mother's experience seems best summed up in a saying I heard once: "The decision to have a child is to accept that forever your heart will walk around outside of your body" (K. Hadley).

Literally then the gestation and delivery of another life alters the entity formerly known as your wife. And while many men prepare in much the same way (I built something for each of my kids while they were cooking) it still is not the same, and bonding at birth and in early infancy only partially replicates what your wife has experienced. But this is not about her.

The shifting of focus that is experienced by many men is their fall from stardom. And the degree to which you are upset by that is the degree to which you had ascribed your self worth to your wife. This is extremely important to get - because percentage which you give away (ascribe to her) is then not available for you to bring to the marriage relationship. If you needed your wife to "make you whole" then you were not whole, and you were not giving her a complete and fully functioning husband. "Needing" your wife for your self definition is tantamount to always being needy.

Of course we all have "needs." But to burden your wife, or more accurately, your relationship with the task of providing for your needs is not only unfair, it is damaging. Recognizing your neediness and meeting those needs through your own resourcefulness, through direction your men's circle can provide, and through your spiritual connection with some source greater than you, is healthy and strengthening for the relationship.

The arrival of a baby is a miracle. But if you find yourself sulking in the corner thinking, "what about me?" then you would be well-served by looking inside and inspecting your neediness as a destructive burden on your marriage.