Is It Short-term or The Real Thing?

I had a conversation with a woman friend of the family today who was asking advice on what she should do with a relationship she was in. The bottom line was that they had been dating for a while but that, though she really liked him, they were experiencing some rough spots. She was asking if she should break it off and if so how.  She said she had heard an adage that you can’t ever make a long term committed relationship out of a short term recreational one, so she felt she had to call it quits. It’s a question I hear a lot, and one I would like to respond to more publicly.

First of all, it is not that can’t take a short term relationship and make a long term committed marriage out of it, many great marriages have started with no intention of ending up that way (married).  It’s just that the two types of relationships are based on different values and have different intentions.  A short term relationship – one that may include fun and lots of recreational type of sex – is mostly about you. So ultimately what has to survive in short term relationship is you not the relationship.  By contrast a long term committed relationship is focused on the relationship and therefore what must be preserved is the relationship. You actually take second seat to the relationship. So what happens when two people get into relationship is that they ultimately discover their differences.  It is inevitable that you will have differences simply because you are different people.  What committed people do is that they commit to resolving those differences. The differences and their associated difficulties become the reason for breaking up in a short term relationship, but they are the essence of what makes a committed relationship strong.

So the answer to my woman friend was not what she had called to find out. I told her that this sounded like one of those pivotal points where she had to decide if they wanted to make a go at a long term committed relationship. If that becomes the case – and it can only become the case if both parties agree to it – then this impasse becomes the first of many hurdles that they will encounter and must overcome. Just because the impasse had seemed problematic did not mean they had to break up. Unless, of course, this was only a short term adventure. In that case, she had better take care of herself, which most likely meant she needed to break the tie. “And how do I do that,” she asked.

Swiftly and bluntly – in no uncertain terms. In relationship, I told her, men do not understand subtleties. In fact it often requires a stick of dynamite or a two by four across the temple. We often don’t get it when you like us and want us to come after you , and we certainly don’t get it when you want us to go away.  So be clear and to the point.  Clean cuts heal faster and after you want out of there as quickly and cleanly as you can. Short term relationships are about you not him.

Somebody That I Used to Know

I am haunted lately by the song by Gotye and Kimbra that chronicles a broken relationship. He singing from the perspective of one reeling from the end of the current relationship and she from having made the choice to leave because he hadn't let go of another previous relationship. Go figger! Does that really happen? Actually the question might be when does it not happen or how often is that the case?

Living in relationship is a process of entangling the very fibers of your being with those of another and if and when that ends in a break up the fingerprints of that relationship do not disappear immediately, if ever. In Bob Seger's song Traveling Man, he says that each love left traces on his soul. I kind of think of them as being etched into my soul.  I gave my life to each one for the time we were together and is that supposed to fade into nothingness after we are no longer an item? And as for marriage - readers who are familiar with me know that these 20 years of marriage were not my first - I have been married before and fathered two outstanding daughters from that previous marriage. And is their mother supposed to be just somebody that I used to know? I think not.

The relationship did not end well. I was stupid and made very stupid choices that left my ex no alternatives but to divorce me.  But when I came to, I realized that I was still deeply committed as a father and that meant I needed to forge a relationship with their mom.  It took work and it took time, but it has been worth regaining her as someone I still know and cherish.  Recently one of our adult daughters did something pretty spectacular, something about which I knew we were both deeply proud of.  I took the occasion (as I have done many times in the past) to call up my ex-wife and praise her for the magnificent job she did as a mother.  She tried to deflect and say I had a part, but I would not be deterred. I knew that the bulk of parenting through their formative years had hers - and I just wanted to thank her for what she had done.


But the point of this story is that I am clear that she is not just somebody that I used to know. I know that she and each lover I have known has become an inextricable part of who I am.  And I am just another man. We men do that.  Women think we fear commitment. But nothing could be further from the truth.  We commit hard and we commit fully. And when that relationship ends, our commitment somehow does not.  It lingers and hangs out in the deeper recesses of our memory. Their traces on our soul are pretty much permanent.

So  when asked by your current (wife, lover, girlfriend - you fill in the blank) if you are "over" your last love, you can lie and say you're done.  But if she is a normal woman with their uncanny sixth sense that sees through walls and senses even the slightest change in mood or temperature, she will eventually know someone else is still in there.  And if she is hung up on being the exclusive tenant of your soul you may end up singing along with Gotye and Kindra that she's just somebody you used to know.

Understanding Women

Sorry about the length on this one guys!

We have heard that there is a workshop coming to Boston for men called "Understanding Women." While it is led by a woman whose writing we deeply respect, we think that there are two fundamental problems inherent in addressing this topic and we would be remiss if we did not bring those to the attention of our fellow men in relationships.

First of all, addressing the topic of "understanding women" for men runs the risk of allowing men to think that problems that exist in their marriage are their woman's fault.  You see, men, at our very core, are problem solvers and try to solve every problem we see (read that as “out there”).  That translates into thinking that everything needs to be fixed.  When men take the focus of their being off of themselves (and please note that there is much to do in that arena and that men could and should spend a lifetime just working on becoming better men) they think that any problem in the relationship is a result of the different way of being of their emotion-based wife.  For men, all problems exist outside of our bodies and our being. We do not as, a class of humans, tend to be terrifically self aware except of our strength and power to overcome obstacles.

 We have heard and continually hear men saying that their wife is a bitch, their wife is emotional, their wife is (you fill in the blank).  And when they do that, they lose sight of the fact that they have a great deal to do with the genesis of that problem. Irrespective of our ability or inability to actually fathom the emotion-based logic of women, we are in danger of missing the point of all men's work; that the problems we perceive around us can only be addressed by having us focus on how we are showing up in the world. Our general approach as problem solvers is that we will try to muscle through and gain mastery of any problem we face.  And arming men with some information on how to understand women tempts them to think that they can master this aspect of their lives as well.

We are not saying that men should not do everything in their power to try to understand their women or women in general. But this first caution is simply that any such teaching must come wrapped in a package about how they (the men) are being or showing up in the relationship.  And based on what we know of men, both as men and as trainers and coaches of men, is that men frequently fail to be as introspective as they need to be in order to successfully work their side of the relationship equation.

The second half of the problem is that men and women just do not think alike and often their rationale or logic seems convoluted at best and often just incomprehensible.  Men have strived for centuries to understand women.  Most have given up.  And there is a reason why.  The mentality of men can’t fathom the mentality of women.  Women simply think differently than men.  And, as long as they do, understanding them will be nearly impossible to comprehend. 

As we said, men are problem solvers by nature.  If there is no gas in the car, you put gas in it.  If the faucet leaks, you fix it.  If the trash if full, you empty it.  Plain and simple. 

Everything women do are based on their current emotional state at that time.  If there is no gas in the car, she may be thinking that you don’t take care of her.  If the trash is full, it could lead her to feeling that she is not feeling appreciated.  Make sense?  Right!  It doesn’t make sense because our minds work differently than a woman’s.  In “A Married Man’s Survival Guide”, there is a chapter that talks about how her emotional state sets the tone in the relationship. 

Here is a small excerpt:

When a woman feels something, she will (must) persist in that

feeling until she is done; and you cannot “fix” that. Because her

emotional state is a roller coaster by its very nature, your relation-

ship will have its ups and downs. As much as you would like the

state of your marriage to be more like a boat ride on the lake, it is

not and will never be. Emotions simply do not have that quality—

e-motions are always in motion. Therefore, your life together will

be filled with surprises around every corner. Learn to monitor your

woman’s emotional state. It will serve you well to know her cycles

and moods—if for nothing else, to remind you that her emotions

don’t dictate yours.

For example, men cannot figure out how the following can happen.  Have you ever been in an argument with your woman when the phone rings?  It is her best friend on the other line.  She immediately changes her tone and emotion.  “Oh, hi Julie, it is so great to hear your voice.  How are you doing?  We should get together for coffee soon, I miss you so much!”

Then she hangs up the phone.  The tone changes.  Back to the argument.  How do they do that?  To men, that is physically and mentally impossible! 

We don’t purport that you don’t try to understand women.  If you put in the time and effort and really listen and “be” with your woman, you can learn things about her that can make a difference in your relationship.  But we would say that there is something even more important that you, as the man in the relationship should do.  It is to find and hold a “way of being” in the relationship.  This is also called holding a context.  At the last session of our “Married Man’s Survival Course” a couple of weeks ago, the class came up with ways that they have been in their marriage that have helped them. 

Committed

Protector

Provider

Kind & merciful

I’m fucking funny

No matter what just say yes

Everything’s going to be OK

I’m enough

You’re not my prisoner

I’m right here

I Love life

I cooperate willingly

Nothing’s a problem

I accept you just the way you are

This is fun

I am a lucky Man

Try living from one of those perspectives for a while.  The point is simple here:  No matter what happens in your relationship, no matter how she feels, no matter what is going on, if your “way of being” is present and strong, you will do fine and your relationship will thrive.  What’s more, when you focus on this, somehow (strangely) your wife appears to be less problematic.  Stop trying to fix your woman and do the work on being the way that generates safety, well-being and happiness in your wife.

Connecting the Dots

A good friend of mine suggested that I get in contact with another colleague in the New York area. Now, there are two ways one can react to this: 1. Who has the time? I don't know this guy from Adam and our paths may never cross. 2. You never know - maybe we have something in common and some good might come from the contact. Of course I belong to and am a card-carrying member of the second camp. So I called.

And the truth for me is always revealed as this is how the world works. I had a great conversation with another professional in my field who has similar interests, is approximately my age and in the meandering conversation revealed that he has been married to the same woman for the last 39 years. Well I couldn't resist asking all of those MMSG questions about how he has made it work and comparing that with the voices of the masters we had interviewed for the book - and of course learning whatever I could about his unique style and success formula.

But the really big truth I always find is that we men are really quite similar in how we approach relationships, how we see our wives - our women partners - and what we find are the little things that make for big successes in a committed relationship. It's not so much that "we all put our pants on one leg at a time" (though secretly, just to piss off the great pundit in the sky who coined that phrase, I sit down and shove both legs in simultaneously, and chuckle), it is that we share the same genetics, react to the same hormones, get schooled in the same traditions, and get slapped around by the same hierarchy that makes us so similar.

And now - thanks to my friend - this "we" contains one more man than it did a few hours ago. And that is what is important; that we grow in wisdom, one man at a time, one relationship at a time, one day at a time, and each successive day, the circle of men is larger. Oh, and by coincidence, he lives about a block away from our good friends who just moved to the City - so we are planning to get together on the next trip down! It's all about connecting the dots.

Stephen Hawking Does't Understand

In a recent article in the British magazine Guardian, author Jean Edelstein reported on a conversation with Stephen Hawking (who many claim to be the smartest human alive) where the esteemed physicist claimed to be baffled by women. However he offered up a few analogies for dealing with women from his understanding of the universe.

In essence, Hawking says that just because we don't understand something that should not prevent us from exploring and trying to learn more. Black holes, once thought to destroy anything that came within its gravitational pull, may not be totally destructive. Women, Hawking said, are much like black holes. (Now I can really relate to that having been sucked into the vortex of many a woman's gravitational pull!) But, like black holes, they are not all dangerous and destructive! (Tell me more, Dr Hawking!)

One piece of advice I found particularly amusing was that Hawking said that watching porn on the internet to understand female sexuality is about as useful as reading an arctic geography textbook in order to understand multivariate calculus! Exactly! But the message here is that there is a way to study and understand calculus just as there is a way to study and understand your wife.

And that is the point I would listen to from this brilliant scientist. I really don't care what his experience with women is or isn't (as you may know Stephen Hawking suffers from ALS, and has been severely handicapped most of his life) but what this man has done is that he, almost single handedly, has pushed the outer limits of our understanding of the physical universe far beyond what we had ever known. He has dedicated his mind and his life to understanding the mysteries of science and the physical world. And in that maybe we can take a lesson.

Here is the challenge Hawking gives us as ones who don't quite understand the mystery of women: study your wife, engage her in dialogue, listen to her from a position of not-knowing and of wanting to understand - and dedicate your life and your mind to the discipline of learning what this magnificent and perfect person is with whom you have chosen to live your life.

Women and Diversity

It may come as news to some but diversity is not about equal opportunity among blacks and whites or women and men or whatever. The essence of diversity is that each person is unique and different and because of those differences every other person is called to embrace and accept them as one more piece of the puzzle of what it means to be human. For example, if I want to solve a particularly gnarly puzzle, it would not serve me very well to assemble a team of like-minded people to help me - we would just increase the probability that whatever error I currently suffer from will prevent the group of me's from solving it.

On the other hand if I assemble a group that has radically differing backgrounds, experiences, educational backgrounds, who have struggled with their own unique problems, our combined perspectives would far more likely contain the solution set required by the problem. An individual who is bound to a wheelchair has to exercise a level of creative planning on a daily basis (lest they hit a crack in the sidewalk and topple over and have to figure out how to get back up) that would exhaust you or me. A shorter person may go through life concerned for safety unlike one who is 6'3" and athletic. Anyone in any minority grouping (name it - it doesn't matter) must continually deal with rules enacted by those in power (i.e., the majority) and is not so much concerned about being treated the "same" but rather being recognized and praised for their difference. And diversity consciousness is all about enjoying the differences.

So what does this have to do with women and men in relationship? Everything! When we say that women are a mystery to us, neither of us are claiming ignorance. Rather we are recognizing that we are both males and have never had to deal with the issues of growing up female and what differences that might produce in our thinking. But we do not reject those differences. Like understanding diversity, we want those differences in our lives. We rejoice in those differences (I would not want to marry me!) and welcome them into our world.

Women and men are different, way different. Get over it! I am all for equality in pay or status of careers and so on, but I am not at all concerned about men acting like women (becoming feminized) or women acting like men. When and where we have our common human traits, of course we are the same and we should view that the same. But where women are not like men and where we men are not like women, let's stop trying to force equality.

Different is good. Much research (we quote a lot of it in the Guide) has shown what those differences are. What we are saying when we claim not to understand women is simply that we should never lay claim to fully understanding what it feels like to be a woman. Life is experienced differently by women, sex is experienced differently by women and men, and marriage itself is experienced differently. As a caucasian male born in the US it would be ludicrous to claim that I know and understand the plight of African women, or that I understand oneness as an Asian monk does. That is as chauvinistic as claiming to "understand" our wives. However like with diversity, that awareness is a mandate to seek out our women's perspective, to listen to their point of view, to embrace it as valid and truthful and to challenge the validity of our own thinking as "different."

Vive la difference!

Success Breeds Success

We don't fight anymore. Well it doesn't feel light fighting or arguing anymore.

But man-o-man, it sure used to. When we were first married, my wife could say those four words ("We have to talk.") and a chill would run down my spine. It didn't feel like an invitation! And after failing a marriage before, I was certain that such discussions would lead to another divorce. But as much as I tried to scamper away, she would not let me hide.

So we argued and duked it out and solved the problem (gasp) yeah, we actually came to some kind of resolution. And gradually, one argument at a time, I learned that a couple can engage in an argument and come out the other side still in love. One at a time, we built a legacy of resolving issues - successfully - so that now, 20 years later, we have a significant pile of evidence that we can solve anything.

And I have learned a few things along the way:

1. "We have to talk" means I have not been listening to what is going on in her life and it's time to do that!
2. "What?" means I have an opportunity to rephrase what I just said!

3. "You (fill in the blank, as in you did this or that and I'm pissed/hurt)" means she is trying to tell me how she feels. In fact it is not about me; nothing she tells me about how she is feeling or how "I made her" feel has anything to do with me. She is just telling me how she feels.

4. Tears are a sign of strong emotions and I need to stick around and listen or ask more questions.

5. Silence is a sign of strong emotions that I need to wait for. It is best to let her be and assume that she will come around to discussing it later when she has sorted it out better.

But none of these is a cause anymore for me to run and hide or seek solace at the bar or in someone else. All of this and more show up as opportunities to build more successes. If there is anything at this point I am certain of, it's that nothing can kill us, that nothing is so big that we cannot handle it. (And don't even go down the path of "well what if you cheat on her?" because that is not gonna happen. This is a committed marriage and there is no room for that here.) When you put in the time to work on issues and resolve them, you don't think of escaping. I just know we can handle any issues, and why would I want to start that process all over with another woman? I have too much success built up to even think of trading that in. Success is quite an anchor!

Responsibilities in Relationships

When we talk to women (wives of our men friends) they seem to have a common complaint that they alone carry the burden of work surrounding their marriage relationships. Why, they ask us, don’t their husbands step up to the plate? Are their men lazy or just clueless?

Well, in a word, yes! Men have not been trained in the art and science of relationships and are generally not inclined to do so. However, we have strong evidence that those men who are in long-term successful relationships have learned and regularly use their relationship skills. But there is a qualification here: the relationship skills used by men are uniquely masculine and may not look like what their wives might call relating skills.
We find that men who have mastery in relationships do a couple things that their brothers don’t do as well.

First and foremost, men need to continue to work on themselves. We call it “doing the inner work” but it amounts to taking life seriously enough to keep sharp and ready. This could be refining their skills in a professional area or staying physically fit. It could be taking classes or doing fund-raising for a charity. Whatever they take on, however, they use it to make themselves better in the process.

Great men in relationship learn how to listen well in two distinct ways: They learn to listen without the knee-jerk reflex to fix something. They know that sometimes it is better to listen and sit with you than to rush off to find a hammer or wrench that will do the job. But what really distinguishes masters in relationship is that they learn how to listen to the issue behind what they are hearing. They learn how to hear the “why” behind “what” their wives may be saying. They become more intuitive in their listening.

And thirdly, relationship masters know that what got them into a relationship in the first place was how they were focusing their attention on the woman of their choice and never stop doing that. We find that a great way to frame that when we talk with men is to tell them that they have to continue to court their wives. But this has two effects: one, it gets them to think of silly, sometimes meaningless, little things that delight their wives, of course. But the more important thing that this does is that it keeps them focused at home. We find that men tend to be attracted to whatever they focus on – it that is their wives, they’re golden, but if it is model railroading or the cute bartender at the local pub, they are in danger! They will be attracted simply by virtue of their attentiveness.

A Married Man’s Survival Guide delves deeply into these and many, many more skills of relationship mastery that men can and do learn.

Who's Right - Who's Wrong?

There is a whole bunch of chatter in relationship circles about right and wrong; admitting when you are wrong; forgiving someone who is wrong; yadayada. So let's take that on for a second!

I could go way down a tunnel about how what you see is unique to you alone and how perhaps you may never really know the objective truth of any situation, but that is a big can of worms - nightcrawlers, in fact. I suppose if human interactions were seedlings or boards or something, we could objectively measure them and all agree that "the fact is... that it is 3.57mm tall." Whatever! But human interactions are cloudlike exchanges where words have mixed meanings for both the speaker and listener, and where the words themselves are just a loose approximation of what is actually going on inside the heads of those involved. It is really sloppy stuff!

Don't agree? Think of it this way: if you look up the word 'love' in the dictionary it says something like "a warm fuzzy feeling about a person or thing." But that (or any) definition comes nowhere near describing the length, breadth and depth of the feelings you have for your spouse or your children - yet we reduce it all to this little word "love." A few years ago, researchers at Harvard had same-culture pairs of people talk to each other for about 5 minutes and then transcribed those conversations. Leaving out the articles and prepositions, they asked the pairs each to define the words in their conversation. When they compared the definitions the researchers found that people had exact agreement on only 6% of the words - the other 94% they either slightly or greatly disagreed on. Where is the truth in that? Who is right when even the words we smile at and nod our heads to and follow along with mean different things to each of us?

So here is the simple truth: ascribing rightness/wrongness is a losing proposition. Someone has to be wrong (put your head down, admit it and say "I'm sorry.") if another is right. It is important in relationship to recognize that right/wrong has no place in a functional relationship. We need to learn a different set of phrases: You didn't hear what I meant. I had a different assumption about that. I didn't understand your feelings. I was too caught up in my own thing to hear you.

Being right is a child's game you learned when you were three or four, and perhaps it served you well through your school years. But being right is an immature attitude that needs to be outgrown in order to live in a healthy relationship. Get over your need to be right! Or go and be right on your crossword puzzle or in a science lab somewhere, and leave it there. Come back home in the maturity of accepting your spectacular differences (94% of the time!) and the juicy spaces in between. See what you can discover when no one needs to be right anymore.

Forgiveness - Tell Us Your Story

While many would say that love is the most powerful emotion and/or action available to any human, I personally think that the ultimate power is forgiveness. It requires coming from unconditional love - so in truth, it may just be the first cousin of loving. But let's toss it out there and discuss forgiving. So your wife did something that totally dissed you. You feel left out, dismissed, let down, yadayada. Maybe she did the horizontal bop - the ultimate no-no - with your best friend! What do you do?

• You could sue for breach of contract - cool: you are right; she is wrong - GAME OVER.


• You could be hurt, crawl under your rock and give her the cold shoulder and really punish her. Maybe you withhold caring, or touch or even sex from her - that'll show her. Interestingly though you now have two problems, hers and yours. Even harder to dig out from than the original grave you dug.


• You could lash out in rage, dress her down and run the risk of losing it totally and hitting her (or at the last moment missing her and putting your fist through the wall - same result). Now she is afraid of you, feels unsafe and rightfully wants to run and hide. Hmmm - that worked - NOT!

Or you could go talk to your men and get the strength you need to get back in there and do something incredibly transformative - you could forgive. How strong are you? Hey any weakling can cop an attitude and get pissed off but it takes a truckload of strength to be able to forgive. (Gandhi said that forgiveness is the attribute of the strong - that the weak can never forgive.) Forgiveness is transformative - it changes everything. Maybe that's why all the great teachers - Gandhi, Jesus, Martin Luther King, Jr - and so many like them, all said it was the greatest gift. Forgiving is hitting the reset button in your brain - and resetting back to how things were before this ever happened. Forgiveness is not simply tolerating her "despite" whatever she did. Forgiveness is giving her back that state of adoration and love you once afforded her before. It takes real guts to stand in there and welcome her back. Nice words, guys! Right? We would love to hear your stories of forgiveness. Real men only - wimps need not apply!

Marriage Jujitsu

In the martial arts we learn how to use the opponent's attack and movement toward us as the power to move him. Nowhere is that practiced better than in the form of jujitsu. If your adversary throws a punch at you, you learn to take his thrust and help it go further than he intended while side stepping it to avoid impact. In a sense you help him punch and then trip him on the way past! it is at the same time both powerful and totally effortless.

The marital arts could learn from these martial arts! You would do well to learn how to take your wife's attack and allow it, side step it and have it work to your advantage. But what might that look like? We are not talking about your wife physically attacking you however. But sometimes you do stupid and unthinking things that evoke her anger and rage.

Step 1. Acknowledge she's mad (angry, upset, hysterical, name the emotion - and for help see the post on November 8) and that from her perspective, she has every reason to be so. Acknowledging it means naming it back to her: "Wow, I see that I really pissed you off!"

Step 2. Assure her that you did not (and never do) intend to upset her.

Step 3. But let her know that you want to hear it all - like the full frontal attack (you are man enough to take it, so shut your mind up and stand in there). This can be a simple, "Tell me more" or "Tell me about it, I want to learn."

Step 4. Shut up and listen. This is the jujitsu part of it: you let her anger or tears or whatever run their course and wear her out. Once she's expressed the full gamut, there will be little combat left in her - she's made her point and you listened.

Step 5. Let her know you heard what she said. Don't let this get into a quiz but just assure her that you got the point and that you will give your level best not to do that again.

Now there are two exceptions to this (when she essentially wants you to violate your personal terms or what you stand for, or when you have violated some major ethical issue like had an affair) but we wont go into those here. The bottom line is to learn to practice martial arts in your marital relationships.

The Marriage Ref

I retired from watching TV some 25 years ago when it became apparent that there was little or nothing that captured my attention save the chance to dream Olympian thoughts every two years or so. But I had to come out of tube-watching retirement this week to take a look at “The Marriage Ref.” And I have a few choice words to say about it for which I will not even ask forgiveness. This is a show that offers to referee domestic disputes between couples and declare a so-called winner – a priceless bit of semi-reality TV gone mad!

Okay I am not surprised that men are still being portrayed as buffoons – one of the men wanted to stuff and mount his pet dog in a shrine in the entry of their home and the other wanted to install a stripper pole presumably for his somewhat overfed wife to “exercise" with. You know what, maybe we men actually think stupid things like that but usually we laugh it off and come to our senses within minutes. I am certain that many of us think it would be cool to get all our ex-lovers in a room for one night (like Paul Simon’s Kodachrome) but we don’t actually take step one toward that. Whatever! So have fun with our buffoonery even if it only exists in our heretofore un-acted upon thoughts. It just tires me that Hollywood has not gone too many steps down the sidewalk from Art Carney and Jackie Gleason’s or the Lucy and Desi’s house of the 50’s.

No. That isn’t what bothers me. It is the simple thought that for even these trivial incidents, we think we need a referee. There are two problems here. First of all, there is an assumption inherent in all disagreements that there must be a right and a wrong – a winner. Sorry, folks, when there is a winner there is a loser. And in the case of a marriage relationship, when that happens the real loser is the relationship – not the husband or wife. Relationships cannot tolerate winner/loser tallies. Look we are as competitive as the next guy – it is partly what defines us as men. We love to compete. But your wife does not see the score the same as you. Think of a good batting average – what maybe a .300 – but if that were a wife keeping track, it would be converted to a .700 loss average. Marriage relationships cannot withstand a 70% hit! So our advice is to keep your competitive edge on the playing field.

Which brings me to the second problem, which is more about the process. Relationships are about relating – and relating is working on things. Without question, relationships have issues and problems and disagreements. It is just natural, unless you have married yourself, that your partner will see things differently than you. And what happens when you work on things as a team is that you build up a track record of successes. In a sense working to resolve little things (like stripper poles and stuffed, mounted dogs) builds up muscle to be able to handle real crises, like a pregnant teenage daughter, or huge financial setbacks and the like. Don’t worry, the Marriage Ref will never take on those things because they are too real and it will take real people with guts and commitment to work through that. And I don’t care where you mount the reality TV camera, you just can’t capture that kind of committed work on camera. The bottom line is that it is resolving these “problems” that makes a marriage strong. And having a ref, if it doesn’t kill it will only make it weak and atrophied.

Focus Focus Focus

Yesterday my wife asked me what could explain the sudden increase in divorces and separations that we had been hearing of. "Is it something in the water, or is no one teaching the skills of marriage survival anymore?" "Anymore?" I retorted, "No one ever taught them in the first place - that's why we're writing this book." We discussed how many of the men and women we knew who were now seeking divorce had actually attended relationship weekends or men's and women's initiation weekends and that they seemed okay for a while. But then it all seemed to go to hell in a hand basket!


Dave and I have both done several of those weekends and we find that men coming out of them have gained a couple of common lessons - that men are all just men, that men are commitment focused and need a higher purpose to stay on track, and so on - but the main one is that you get what you focus on. Relationship weekends teach focus above all else. Focus on your wife. Do things just for her and just to delight her and elevate her. Good shit! But I think that many men hear the task and not the tool. The task - what you should do - doesn't really matter. You could do just about anything and it would work fine. It is how you do that and what that tool is that really matters.


And that is focus. We men grow up learning to focus our attention: it is the skill of fishing, the primary tool of athletics, and of ensuring you don't lop off a finger in wood shop! Focusing on something increases our direction and attraction toward it. Focusing on a thing makes us unstoppable. But what happens when we have a zillion other choices at our fingertips? What happens when we start seeing that there are thousands of women (quite beautiful ones) who are willing to peddle their attraction to or availability to us? What happens when old lovers can find us and "friend" us on FaceBook? We lose focus - we get waaaay distracted!


I am not blaming FaceBook for the divorces, mind you. I am simply saying that it represents part of the growing problem. It has become too easy to lose focus. And worse yet is that we have selective memories. Look, do you remember why you broke up with the Captain of the Cheerleaders in HS? No. But I'd be willing to bet a paycheck you (vividly) remember nailing her that first time! And so when she pops up, out of the blue, all those hot summer night memories pop up with her. And it goes both ways. I am working with a man whose wife is having an Internet affair (which he presumes will shortly lead to consummation) with her high school sweetheart. Guess what he's doing with her - focusing all his attention on HER! And that, brothers, is seductive.


So the long and short of it is this: work on your focus. Be aware of what you are focusing on. It is a dangerously powerful tool. Focus on your goals, focus on your purpose and, for your marriage's sake, focus on your wife. (Go back and read "Happiness is a choice" posted on Aug 20 for more.)

The 10 Great Non-Truths About Marriage Success

These aren't outright lies - they just are not true, and believing them to be true misleads us.

1. Men have no relationship skills
Flat out wrong! Men may have different ways of relating, a different set of emotions and a different vocabulary about those emotions. But men can and do develop the skills of relating and relationship.

2. You need to learn to be a better communicator
False! Some men (and women) are not really good communicators; that is true. But you do not need to learn to be a better communicator, just a better listener.

3. Time heals all wounds
False! Wounds fester and rot if not treated, and she still will keep it on the list of all the things that hurt her or otherwise threatened her safety unless you work to heal it with her.

4. There is a right way to communicate and a right way to be in relationship with women
False! There are as many ways as there are people in them. The task you face is bringing 100% your authentic self to the relationship.

5. A perfect marriage is one that is harmonious and has no problems
False! A perfect marriage is one that can work out differences, problems and misunderstandings. Knowing how to start, how to stop or take a time out and how to stay in there when the going gets tough are the most critical skills.

6. Both partners have to work equally on the relationship
Wrong! Your marriage success is entirely dependant on you and how you show up. Show up like a whining little boy and you suck the life away; show up like a powerhouse and you become the solid foundation of the whole relationship. Believing it's her job or even half hers, permits you to slack off your duty!

7. Sex is the barometer of marriage health
False! While it is true that a damaged marriage might experience diminished sex, it is not a universal truth, and the inverse belief that sex will make a dysfunctional and damaged relationship better is erroneous.

8. Women are fickle and self-serving
False! Women make decisions more on how they feel about the options at any given moment. Part of what drives that is their fear, vulnerability and their need for safety. Understand how she feels, and you will know where she stands.

9. It would be good to get coaching from other married women on what works
False! You do not think like a woman and as a result would try to morph yourself into what you think they are saying. The best advice comes from successful men.

10. Topping the charts with a great deed will pay off for years to come
Nope, not true! You have to act as if each deed scores only one point no matter how big or small. Continually focusing your efforts on her is a discipline you must master.

Vegas Bound

This Friday we are headed to Las Vegas to present a snippet of the MMSG at a Men's Conference. It's a topic called the Relationship Equity Account and pretty much the thing that started this venture into writing the book and spreading the word on how to be the best man in your marriage.

The REA revolves around continually doing things for your woman aimed solely at making her smile and feel happy and cared for. You must do these for no other reason (see the post on Loving Her For Free, August 27). Though you will benefit from what you end up doing - in many, many ways, you cannot do them for the purpose of benefit. That is a withdrawal from the account. These are deposits. Or maybe think of them as paying the utility bill. If you don't pay, the lights are shut off - that simple.

The REA is based on the principle that no matter what you do or how big or expensive it was, it nets you one point. Conversely, however, your errors, omissions, and failures are variably weighted and can be intensified by her current mood. A nasty screw-up on the day when she is cranked at you can result in hundreds of negative points - withdrawals from the account. Get in the habit of regular deposits, multiple times daily. It pays off in the long run.

We are really looking forward to the exercise and conversations we'll be having in Vegas - hope to see you there.

And Baby Makes Three

One of the more significant changes in a marriage is the arrival of your little bundle of joy. For many men this signals the end of being the center of their wives' attention - as well it should be. Babies require not only a lot of attention, but are dependant on their moms for warmth and sustenance. But more importantly, a mother's experience seems best summed up in a saying I heard once: "The decision to have a child is to accept that forever your heart will walk around outside of your body" (K. Hadley).

Literally then the gestation and delivery of another life alters the entity formerly known as your wife. And while many men prepare in much the same way (I built something for each of my kids while they were cooking) it still is not the same, and bonding at birth and in early infancy only partially replicates what your wife has experienced. But this is not about her.

The shifting of focus that is experienced by many men is their fall from stardom. And the degree to which you are upset by that is the degree to which you had ascribed your self worth to your wife. This is extremely important to get - because percentage which you give away (ascribe to her) is then not available for you to bring to the marriage relationship. If you needed your wife to "make you whole" then you were not whole, and you were not giving her a complete and fully functioning husband. "Needing" your wife for your self definition is tantamount to always being needy.

Of course we all have "needs." But to burden your wife, or more accurately, your relationship with the task of providing for your needs is not only unfair, it is damaging. Recognizing your neediness and meeting those needs through your own resourcefulness, through direction your men's circle can provide, and through your spiritual connection with some source greater than you, is healthy and strengthening for the relationship.

The arrival of a baby is a miracle. But if you find yourself sulking in the corner thinking, "what about me?" then you would be well-served by looking inside and inspecting your neediness as a destructive burden on your marriage.