Focus Focus Focus

Yesterday my wife asked me what could explain the sudden increase in divorces and separations that we had been hearing of. "Is it something in the water, or is no one teaching the skills of marriage survival anymore?" "Anymore?" I retorted, "No one ever taught them in the first place - that's why we're writing this book." We discussed how many of the men and women we knew who were now seeking divorce had actually attended relationship weekends or men's and women's initiation weekends and that they seemed okay for a while. But then it all seemed to go to hell in a hand basket!


Dave and I have both done several of those weekends and we find that men coming out of them have gained a couple of common lessons - that men are all just men, that men are commitment focused and need a higher purpose to stay on track, and so on - but the main one is that you get what you focus on. Relationship weekends teach focus above all else. Focus on your wife. Do things just for her and just to delight her and elevate her. Good shit! But I think that many men hear the task and not the tool. The task - what you should do - doesn't really matter. You could do just about anything and it would work fine. It is how you do that and what that tool is that really matters.


And that is focus. We men grow up learning to focus our attention: it is the skill of fishing, the primary tool of athletics, and of ensuring you don't lop off a finger in wood shop! Focusing on something increases our direction and attraction toward it. Focusing on a thing makes us unstoppable. But what happens when we have a zillion other choices at our fingertips? What happens when we start seeing that there are thousands of women (quite beautiful ones) who are willing to peddle their attraction to or availability to us? What happens when old lovers can find us and "friend" us on FaceBook? We lose focus - we get waaaay distracted!


I am not blaming FaceBook for the divorces, mind you. I am simply saying that it represents part of the growing problem. It has become too easy to lose focus. And worse yet is that we have selective memories. Look, do you remember why you broke up with the Captain of the Cheerleaders in HS? No. But I'd be willing to bet a paycheck you (vividly) remember nailing her that first time! And so when she pops up, out of the blue, all those hot summer night memories pop up with her. And it goes both ways. I am working with a man whose wife is having an Internet affair (which he presumes will shortly lead to consummation) with her high school sweetheart. Guess what he's doing with her - focusing all his attention on HER! And that, brothers, is seductive.


So the long and short of it is this: work on your focus. Be aware of what you are focusing on. It is a dangerously powerful tool. Focus on your goals, focus on your purpose and, for your marriage's sake, focus on your wife. (Go back and read "Happiness is a choice" posted on Aug 20 for more.)