Transforming Anger and Rage

As men we must become anger specialists! Anything we do not take on as a discipline has the potential of owning us in the long run and anger/rage is the worst offender. Because of our genetic inheritance (we inherited 200,000 years worth of genes passed on by the killers and winners of mankind's violent warring tribes) we are capable of quite a lot of damage - and anything done or said out of rage will only cause more harm. Thus there are a few steps we need to learn to take when we get angry or enraged (not miffed or ticked off - red-faced angry!) We suggest these steps to transform our anger into useful energy.


1. Recognize whose anger you are feeling (yours! YOU are angry so YOU have to deal with this within yourself).


2. Withdraw (remember anything you do right now causes damage). Say something like, "I'm feeling really angry right now and I need to deal with that." (She will want to talk about it - that is what women do - so don't go there. Just say "not now" and leave.)


3. Embrace your anger (like we do when another man is raging we let him rage into our arms). Do not deny it or make it bad. Anger is a messenger - don't kill the messenger.


3a. You might want to hit, break or punch something but be careful how often you are inclined to do this as it serves as more training in violence and one day it could come out in the wrong place.


4. Inspect your anger - let it "speak" to you. Are you angry because of what she did? If so why did you choose anger as your response? It might not be because of what she did, but because of what you thought she SHOULD do (or not do as the case may be). Then what is that belief - in you - that fired up your anger. Usually this is a set or series of "if-then" beliefs each of which makes the scene progressively worse. It is like a ladder that takes our rage higher with each rung.


5. Identify the rungs of the ladder ("if she thinks that, then it means suchandso, and if that is the case...") and step back down one rung at a time. Ask yourself, "What is the false belief?" "What am I really afraid of?" These are just two of the four questions of the Fourth Step in the 12-step AA inventory and we heartily recommend the 4th step analysis here.


6. Once your rage is down to the appropriate level of anger or disappointment (it is not your goal to rid yourself of all anger, but just to get to a level of functionality) then go back to you wife and tell her that you were angry and that you were suffering as a result, but that that you can talk, you want her help with what you discovered. This is the hard part - you must not blame her for any part of what you are dealing with! In stead, identify your mistakes or your errant beliefs that resulted in you coping such a severe attitude. This works not only for you but for her as well.