Somebody That I Used to Know

I am haunted lately by the song by Gotye and Kimbra that chronicles a broken relationship. He singing from the perspective of one reeling from the end of the current relationship and she from having made the choice to leave because he hadn't let go of another previous relationship. Go figger! Does that really happen? Actually the question might be when does it not happen or how often is that the case?

Living in relationship is a process of entangling the very fibers of your being with those of another and if and when that ends in a break up the fingerprints of that relationship do not disappear immediately, if ever. In Bob Seger's song Traveling Man, he says that each love left traces on his soul. I kind of think of them as being etched into my soul.  I gave my life to each one for the time we were together and is that supposed to fade into nothingness after we are no longer an item? And as for marriage - readers who are familiar with me know that these 20 years of marriage were not my first - I have been married before and fathered two outstanding daughters from that previous marriage. And is their mother supposed to be just somebody that I used to know? I think not.

The relationship did not end well. I was stupid and made very stupid choices that left my ex no alternatives but to divorce me.  But when I came to, I realized that I was still deeply committed as a father and that meant I needed to forge a relationship with their mom.  It took work and it took time, but it has been worth regaining her as someone I still know and cherish.  Recently one of our adult daughters did something pretty spectacular, something about which I knew we were both deeply proud of.  I took the occasion (as I have done many times in the past) to call up my ex-wife and praise her for the magnificent job she did as a mother.  She tried to deflect and say I had a part, but I would not be deterred. I knew that the bulk of parenting through their formative years had hers - and I just wanted to thank her for what she had done.


But the point of this story is that I am clear that she is not just somebody that I used to know. I know that she and each lover I have known has become an inextricable part of who I am.  And I am just another man. We men do that.  Women think we fear commitment. But nothing could be further from the truth.  We commit hard and we commit fully. And when that relationship ends, our commitment somehow does not.  It lingers and hangs out in the deeper recesses of our memory. Their traces on our soul are pretty much permanent.

So  when asked by your current (wife, lover, girlfriend - you fill in the blank) if you are "over" your last love, you can lie and say you're done.  But if she is a normal woman with their uncanny sixth sense that sees through walls and senses even the slightest change in mood or temperature, she will eventually know someone else is still in there.  And if she is hung up on being the exclusive tenant of your soul you may end up singing along with Gotye and Kindra that she's just somebody you used to know.

War of the Roses (Cheating)

I am a regular listener to Karson and Kennedy's "War of the Roses" bit on Thursday mornings on Boston's Mix 104.1 (http://mix1041.radio.com/ from whence I borrowed this image) where a man (sometimes) or woman (mostly) calls in suspecting their partner of cheating. Ms Kennedy then calls that person up and offers a dozen long stems to the person of choice and invariable the idiot blows it. It's sad, yet somehow has me listening. But we have a bit of advice to give would-be cheaters about having an affair straight out of the Married Man's Survival Guide.

Don’t—don’t go there! Period. End of sentence. Good-bye. ‘Nuff said.
Look, we understand that at times the woman you live with and have committed to sharing your life with, to growing old with, yeah her, that woman, can be a (check the appropriate bullet below):
Royal pain in the ass
Bitch
Holy horror
Major problem

But she is your pain/bitch/horror/problem. Furthermore, we recognize that the source of her being that way might not necessarily be you. So what? Deal with it. That is what marriage is all about—dealing with the issues. Hey, any fool can deal with the ideal woman who is never a problem. It doesn’t take skill to do that! But when she is too much to take, hanging in there takes real skill.
And having an affair because she has shut you out, or because she has become more problematic than you want to deal with, or because some young thing has winked at you will not only make matters worse, it will result in your now having two problems not one. So let’s lay down some basic rules concerning having an affair:

Rule #1—It is not a matter of IF she will ever find out, it is only a matter of WHEN she will find out! One of the basic differences between men and women is that men tend to show loyalty by withholding and protecting state secrets. We know we can trust a man when he repeatedly demonstrates that he is worthy of confidentiality by not talking to others about what happened. Women, on the other hand, establish trusting circles by sharing secrets. It is their way of including another at the most intimate and trusting level. (Remember the “stain” on Monica Lewinski’s dress? How do you think that story got out?) So, this being the case, that doe-eyed “understanding” woman you might consider spilling your guts with, and your seed in, will need to share her secret with others. It is only a matter of time until her circles of influence cross paths with your wife’s. So from the very beginning you better be aware of the fact—and it is a raw, cold, hard fact—that she will find out. At that point, you just might as well move on to the divorce chapter, because philandering is ample grounds for divorce in any state.

Rule #2—Comparisons kill! There is a law in optics called the “Mach band.” It refers to the illusion of contrast when, say, a sheet of white paper is next to a sheet of dark gray or black paper. Right at the edge, the contrast is heightened making the white look brighter and the gray or black look even darker black. Diverting your attention to any other woman than your wife will produce the same effect. Not only will the contrast seem heightened, but it will be generalized to the entire sheet of paper, which in this case is both your wife and your potential mistress. Those behaviors that were formerly only ancillary irritants (i.e., not the big problems) will take on heightened proportions and make her downright ugly. Your irritation will grow into anger and disgust. Every aspect of her; her breathing, her hygiene, her voice, her perfume, everything will become more irritating in contrast to this warm seductive body with whom you are now entertaining the notion of an affair. By contrast, the other woman will take on superlative qualities. She will suddenly develop runway model characteristics. She will become more radiant, more voluptuous, and more irresistible than you ever imagined. And you will suddenly be unable to control your inner desires.
Don’t be a fool—it is just the optics of the Mach band!

Rule #3—The Groucho Marx Club. Groucho was once quoted as saying that he “would not want to be a member of any club that would have [him] as a member.” Applied to the affair situation—now you have to follow this convoluted logic here—you are talking to a woman who: 1) knows you are married; 2) thinks that she might be able to seduce you away, and then subsequently; 3a) believes that you will never be unfaithful to her, so long as ye both shall live; or 3b) thinks that you are worthy of her love, having just been a philandering son-of-a-bitch to your wife! Does that strike you as logical and rational? If it does, we have some names of therapists in your area you may want to consult (actually any one will do!).

Take it from the masters (not us - but those masters whose wisdom we arepassing on) this is s dumbass idea from the get-go. It is far easier to do the work of relationships than to deal with the pain and cost of affairs and eventual divorce. 'Nuff said!

Forgiveness - Tell Us Your Story

While many would say that love is the most powerful emotion and/or action available to any human, I personally think that the ultimate power is forgiveness. It requires coming from unconditional love - so in truth, it may just be the first cousin of loving. But let's toss it out there and discuss forgiving. So your wife did something that totally dissed you. You feel left out, dismissed, let down, yadayada. Maybe she did the horizontal bop - the ultimate no-no - with your best friend! What do you do?

• You could sue for breach of contract - cool: you are right; she is wrong - GAME OVER.


• You could be hurt, crawl under your rock and give her the cold shoulder and really punish her. Maybe you withhold caring, or touch or even sex from her - that'll show her. Interestingly though you now have two problems, hers and yours. Even harder to dig out from than the original grave you dug.


• You could lash out in rage, dress her down and run the risk of losing it totally and hitting her (or at the last moment missing her and putting your fist through the wall - same result). Now she is afraid of you, feels unsafe and rightfully wants to run and hide. Hmmm - that worked - NOT!

Or you could go talk to your men and get the strength you need to get back in there and do something incredibly transformative - you could forgive. How strong are you? Hey any weakling can cop an attitude and get pissed off but it takes a truckload of strength to be able to forgive. (Gandhi said that forgiveness is the attribute of the strong - that the weak can never forgive.) Forgiveness is transformative - it changes everything. Maybe that's why all the great teachers - Gandhi, Jesus, Martin Luther King, Jr - and so many like them, all said it was the greatest gift. Forgiving is hitting the reset button in your brain - and resetting back to how things were before this ever happened. Forgiveness is not simply tolerating her "despite" whatever she did. Forgiveness is giving her back that state of adoration and love you once afforded her before. It takes real guts to stand in there and welcome her back. Nice words, guys! Right? We would love to hear your stories of forgiveness. Real men only - wimps need not apply!

You Sexy Thing!

Research on human sexuality is changing the long-held opinion that we are by nature monogamous – at least that our sexual pairings are monogamous by nature. The research of the past held the distinction that men and women form “natural” pair-bonds has come under scrutiny of late. Researchers like psychologist/psychiatrist partners Ryan and Jetha (authors of Sex at Dawn, HarperCollins, 2010) have produced remarkable evidence that not only is it uniquely human to have recreational sex (and animalistic to have limited sex confined to ovulation) but that the notion of pair-bonding was actually a product of the religious beliefs of the time of and just preceding Darwin and other major anthropological researchers. In more blunt terms, humans (alone with the Bonobo monkey, our closest primate relative) are delightfully gifted toward promiscuity and not only capable of sex throughout the entire menstrual cycle, we alone (with our Bonobo cousins) seem to be the only ones that enjoy copulation for copulation’s sake.

Ryan and Jetha show that the benefits in societies where open frequent sexual expression exists are many and quite positive: lower infanticide; lower aggression and murder; stronger bonds between women and women, between men and men and between women and men; almost negligible suicide and depression; and children feeling a sense of belonging.

So what? Is this permission to screw your neighbor’s wife. No – not really. But the first take-away from this research is a feeling that your roving eyes (and those of your woman) are not abnormal but in fact quite human and quite normal. It is how we humans have evolved to be. And the logical next thought that arises is that despite the feelings of deep attachment we experience with our chosen mate, there is no evidence that “nature” will keep us attached or in a pair-bond with that mate for as long as we both shall live. So why are we doing this? Why marry in the first place? Why not live in communes or group communities as many aboriginal tribes still do?

We have no moral judgment against anyone acting on these genetically driven impulses and attractions. That is normal. In fact, in light of Ryan and Jetha’s research, it might be considered abnormal to want to be monogamous in the first place. But the raw truth is that, if you have chosen this path (of monogamous marriage), you are bucking your genetic predisposition to be sexually engaged with multiple females of your species.

We have chosen to write a book called A Married Man’s Survival Guide and (soon to be released) Thriving in the Jungle both of which work within the proposition of monogamous, commitment for life. That we are predisposed otherwise makes your choice, and ours, both challenging and distinguishing. While we admire it, we don’t accuse our brothers who wander nor do we get all righteous about being monogamous. It is just our choice – and having made that choice, we are committed to helping ourselves and our brothers to maintain that choice against the odds of doing what is natural and normal to our species. Thriving in the Jungle picks up where the Survival Guide left off and is all about sticking with your commitment and enjoying the ride, the benefits and the longevity of the marriage. And we can't wait to get it in your hands.

Focus Focus Focus

Yesterday my wife asked me what could explain the sudden increase in divorces and separations that we had been hearing of. "Is it something in the water, or is no one teaching the skills of marriage survival anymore?" "Anymore?" I retorted, "No one ever taught them in the first place - that's why we're writing this book." We discussed how many of the men and women we knew who were now seeking divorce had actually attended relationship weekends or men's and women's initiation weekends and that they seemed okay for a while. But then it all seemed to go to hell in a hand basket!


Dave and I have both done several of those weekends and we find that men coming out of them have gained a couple of common lessons - that men are all just men, that men are commitment focused and need a higher purpose to stay on track, and so on - but the main one is that you get what you focus on. Relationship weekends teach focus above all else. Focus on your wife. Do things just for her and just to delight her and elevate her. Good shit! But I think that many men hear the task and not the tool. The task - what you should do - doesn't really matter. You could do just about anything and it would work fine. It is how you do that and what that tool is that really matters.


And that is focus. We men grow up learning to focus our attention: it is the skill of fishing, the primary tool of athletics, and of ensuring you don't lop off a finger in wood shop! Focusing on something increases our direction and attraction toward it. Focusing on a thing makes us unstoppable. But what happens when we have a zillion other choices at our fingertips? What happens when we start seeing that there are thousands of women (quite beautiful ones) who are willing to peddle their attraction to or availability to us? What happens when old lovers can find us and "friend" us on FaceBook? We lose focus - we get waaaay distracted!


I am not blaming FaceBook for the divorces, mind you. I am simply saying that it represents part of the growing problem. It has become too easy to lose focus. And worse yet is that we have selective memories. Look, do you remember why you broke up with the Captain of the Cheerleaders in HS? No. But I'd be willing to bet a paycheck you (vividly) remember nailing her that first time! And so when she pops up, out of the blue, all those hot summer night memories pop up with her. And it goes both ways. I am working with a man whose wife is having an Internet affair (which he presumes will shortly lead to consummation) with her high school sweetheart. Guess what he's doing with her - focusing all his attention on HER! And that, brothers, is seductive.


So the long and short of it is this: work on your focus. Be aware of what you are focusing on. It is a dangerously powerful tool. Focus on your goals, focus on your purpose and, for your marriage's sake, focus on your wife. (Go back and read "Happiness is a choice" posted on Aug 20 for more.)

Why bad boy Bond will always get the girl

This is a piece we found by Fiona Macrae (accessed 8/9/09) which we thought you might find interesting!

It is something most nice guys have learned by bitter experience - bad boys tend to get the girls.

Now scientists have shown it really does pay to have a mean streak - with callous, self-obsessed, deceitful men proving the biggest hit with the ladies. Extensive studies show that women the world over find it hard to resist a cad.

The secret of his appeal, it seems, lies in three nasty personality traits said to be epitomised in James Bond. Licensed to thrill: Now scientists have revealed that women find it hard to resist callous, self-obsessed and deceitful men: The so-called 'dark triad'.

Unattractive as the combination might appear, women often equate it with masculinity - and the ability to father healthy children. As a result, those looking for the thrill of an affair, or hoping to become pregnant, are drawn to 'bad boys'. The men, in return, raise their chances of passing their genes on to the next generation.

Scientist Peter Jonason said James Bond is the perfect example of a ladykiller with a rather questionable personality. 'He's clearly disagreeable, very extroverted and likes trying new things. Mr Jonason, of New Mexico State University in the U.S., subjected 200 college students to personality tests designed to rank them for each of their dark triad traits. They were also asked about their attitudes to sexual relationships and about their sex lives, including how many partners they had and whether they sought out flings. The results showed that men who scored higher on the trio of traits tended to have more partners and more interest in short-term relationships.

A second U.S. study of 35,000 people in 57 countries also found a clear link between the dark triad traits in men and success with women. Researcher Professor David Schmitt, of Bradley University in Illinois, said: 'It's universal across cultures for high dark triad scorers to be more active in short-term mating. They are more likely to try and poach other people's partners for a brief affair.' The researchers said that at their most extreme, the traits would be highly unattractive, leading to men being shut off from society.

But one possibility is that the strategy is most successful when dark triad personalities are rare. Otherwise others would become more wary and guarded and the strategy would backfire.

In any case, nice guys need not lose all hope. Dr Gayle Brewer, an evolutionary psychologist at the University of Central Lancashire, said that while women tend to like cads for flings, they usually settle down with more caring types.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1027498/Why-bad-boy-Bond-girl.html#ixzz0NhCtNtAx