Who Was HE?

Monday the sports world lost big time.  One of the granddaddies of modern sports, and unspoiled for over a century, the 117th running of the Boston Marathon was brutally attacked.  And I am fairly certain when and if the perpetrator of this sick crime is found out, it will be a man.

As a man who works to improve the state and reputation of masculinity, that cuts even deeper than the pain of losing something so special (I have personally run the Boston Marathon 4 times, and my family would wait to cheer me not very many feet away from where the second bomb went off - See http://pastorbecca.wordpress.com/2013/04/16/from-heartbreak-hill-to-heartbreak/).  It is almost not even a question whether or not a man did it - it is just assumed.  We are the violent ones.

But we aren't just that! I often tell men that if they want to understand the fullness of masculinity they need look no further than between their legs.  Part of our apparatus is hard, and aggressive, and that part can be hurtful as well as the source of pleasure for our partners.  But the other part of our masculinity is soft and quite fragile (if you have ever gotten a kick in the nuts, you know how fragile they are).  That part of us must be protected.  That part of us is the source of our life-giving, life-creating gift.

We often, as men, say to each other, "Grab your balls, and do it!" as a way to communicate the sentiment of getting tough.  But I think we have it backwards.  We need to grab those puppies as a way to remember that we have a soft underbelly, that we are vulnerable to attack and that we (and our species) need to be protected.

Yea, a man probably did that - a man that had no balls! He had no sensitivity for others or for himself. He had no compassion for the human race and, in fact, assembled his weapon for maximum pain and carnage. I have a difficulty containing my rage for that man, but I know that violence only breeds more violence.  The only way to heal this is through love and compassion.

So, brothers, grab your balls, and squeeze tightly.  Remember how fragile you and your life are. Remember your capacity to create and sustain life. We have to show up bigger and stronger than he did.  It is the only way.

Male Energy

In a few months I am going to Hawaii for a friend's wedding. And the groom asked that I do some kind of male ritual or initiation in lieu of a traditional bachelor party (we're beyond the point of strip clubs and getting too drunk to see). So I researched the island culture, checked in with a consultant friend who lives there and blended it with some of the traditions I have used in past ceremonies - cool!

But his fiancee wants everything to go just right (why shouldn't she?) and is worried that the men in her family who would come might not like it, might not want to come, might... (what? be typical men??) So I needed to explain some of what I have collected over the years on the nature of male energy and working with men. It goes like this:

Male energy is wild and smelly and chaotic. Period. End of story. Working with men is like riding a bucking bronco - the game is to stay on for the ride, not to look good. In fact anytime you try to control male energy or make it sit down and fold its hands on the desk and be a good little boy, male energy will either leave the room or outright die.

Working with men requires letting it flow from the collective masculine spirit present in the group. Often it doesn't look anything like what you planned - but those are the best sessions, and the best team meetings. Because they are raw and unbridled and totally present in the moment. We men wear our battle armor so much that it is rare for us to ever take it off, and the slightest hint of controlling has men reaching for their helmets and swords!

Oh sure I know where I am going and I will get the men there, but it will be with them and through their spirits and energies that we go - and I will lay money on it being a night to remember. And yes there may be a "man" who would rather sell his seat to be able to spend some cuddly time with a girlfriend than to be where we are (it's okay, I used the term man loosely as I think most likely his testicles are firmly in her grip!). It is one of the real filters in men's work - just the right men will show up and the ones who want to whine are better off not coming, thankfully. God, I love working with men!

Forgiveness - Tell Us Your Story

While many would say that love is the most powerful emotion and/or action available to any human, I personally think that the ultimate power is forgiveness. It requires coming from unconditional love - so in truth, it may just be the first cousin of loving. But let's toss it out there and discuss forgiving. So your wife did something that totally dissed you. You feel left out, dismissed, let down, yadayada. Maybe she did the horizontal bop - the ultimate no-no - with your best friend! What do you do?

• You could sue for breach of contract - cool: you are right; she is wrong - GAME OVER.


• You could be hurt, crawl under your rock and give her the cold shoulder and really punish her. Maybe you withhold caring, or touch or even sex from her - that'll show her. Interestingly though you now have two problems, hers and yours. Even harder to dig out from than the original grave you dug.


• You could lash out in rage, dress her down and run the risk of losing it totally and hitting her (or at the last moment missing her and putting your fist through the wall - same result). Now she is afraid of you, feels unsafe and rightfully wants to run and hide. Hmmm - that worked - NOT!

Or you could go talk to your men and get the strength you need to get back in there and do something incredibly transformative - you could forgive. How strong are you? Hey any weakling can cop an attitude and get pissed off but it takes a truckload of strength to be able to forgive. (Gandhi said that forgiveness is the attribute of the strong - that the weak can never forgive.) Forgiveness is transformative - it changes everything. Maybe that's why all the great teachers - Gandhi, Jesus, Martin Luther King, Jr - and so many like them, all said it was the greatest gift. Forgiving is hitting the reset button in your brain - and resetting back to how things were before this ever happened. Forgiveness is not simply tolerating her "despite" whatever she did. Forgiveness is giving her back that state of adoration and love you once afforded her before. It takes real guts to stand in there and welcome her back. Nice words, guys! Right? We would love to hear your stories of forgiveness. Real men only - wimps need not apply!

The Challenging Life

If memory serves me, the first line of M Scott Peck's classic, The Road Less Traveled, is "Life is difficult." Truth be told, life is challenging and should not be thought of otherwise. But these difficulties and challenges are not meant to sink us. Rather, they are what shapes and molds us into the powerful men we are meant to be.

However, somewhere along the line, someone made up this crazy idea that you "deserve" a comfortable life of leisure! And it is this false belief that causes us the real pain - not the difficulties themselves. Imagine that you believed that the rules of pro football were that each team took turns moving the ball down the field with a variety of cool moves and that the other team's job was to conveniently step aside and help create the beauty of their execution. Were that your belief, you would be shocked and even angered when an opposing linebacker leveled the receiver with a bone-crunching tackle!

But we all cheer such game day opposition - because those are the real rules. If we assume the same to be the rules of life (that the opposition is there to make us better) then we might get up from each hit, straighten our pads and run back to the huddle for the next play. Well, life is like that. It's game day every day, fellas, and this is the NFL! So suit up, get out there and leave it all on the field! Or as my coach used to say, "Suck it up, princess!"