Generating Authentic Power

Our society, it seems, is set up as an accomplishment-driven world. What this means is that we value and measure each other - especially as men - by what we can and what we have done. I must tote around my resume of accomplishments in order to be seen either as a man of my word or as a valued, results-producing go-getter.

But when men reach a certain age or level of maturity, accomplishments are no longer the measure of worth.  In the second half of life (as Richard Rohr calls it) our goal is more about creating worth through what we give rather than what we get or win. This all came to a head yesterday as I talked with a friend and contemporary (he is as old as me) who was signing up for a goal-crunching program in order for him to up his personal integrity.  This man said that in his life he has seen where he has often not accomplished what he said he would and that he has not "shown up as his word" far too often.

I asked him what he though integrity meant to him and he told me that it meant doing what you say you will do.  Well, that may be true, especially in an accomplishment oriented first-half-of-life society.  Integrity is the consistency between what you say and what you do.  But in the second half of life we lose the fascination with trophies and points, so integrity of our word takes on a different texture and flavor. "What if," I asked him, "you looked at integrity as telling the truth about where you are right now?"

The wisdom and power of integrity at that point would look like telling others how much being out of integrity in the past has cost you.  You could look at the wounds and scars you have and say, "This is where I failed to do suchandso a thing, and here is what happens when you don't do that." and so on.  How powerful it is to be fully present to one's failures and the lessons learned from them, instead of pretending that history didn't teach him anything and having him try to (once again) white knuckle through another program of goals and accomplishments. Doing the later would no doubt result in another imbalanced list of losses and a few wins, and further the evidence of his life that he cannot accomplish these huge piles of goals - and that therefore he must suffer one more hit to his pride and integrity in the accomplishment world.

Enough is enough! He does not need anymore evidence.  What he needs, if anything, is the ability to tell the truth and to be fully aware and present to his results and lack thereof. Then, standing in the truth, fully aware of the associated pains and joys of his life, he can finally claim his authority - authority in his own life and his authority for the wisdom he dispenses. It may be hard to face the truth, and even harder to stay fully present to it, but the power that reveals is immense.

Stephen Hawking Does't Understand

In a recent article in the British magazine Guardian, author Jean Edelstein reported on a conversation with Stephen Hawking (who many claim to be the smartest human alive) where the esteemed physicist claimed to be baffled by women. However he offered up a few analogies for dealing with women from his understanding of the universe.

In essence, Hawking says that just because we don't understand something that should not prevent us from exploring and trying to learn more. Black holes, once thought to destroy anything that came within its gravitational pull, may not be totally destructive. Women, Hawking said, are much like black holes. (Now I can really relate to that having been sucked into the vortex of many a woman's gravitational pull!) But, like black holes, they are not all dangerous and destructive! (Tell me more, Dr Hawking!)

One piece of advice I found particularly amusing was that Hawking said that watching porn on the internet to understand female sexuality is about as useful as reading an arctic geography textbook in order to understand multivariate calculus! Exactly! But the message here is that there is a way to study and understand calculus just as there is a way to study and understand your wife.

And that is the point I would listen to from this brilliant scientist. I really don't care what his experience with women is or isn't (as you may know Stephen Hawking suffers from ALS, and has been severely handicapped most of his life) but what this man has done is that he, almost single handedly, has pushed the outer limits of our understanding of the physical universe far beyond what we had ever known. He has dedicated his mind and his life to understanding the mysteries of science and the physical world. And in that maybe we can take a lesson.

Here is the challenge Hawking gives us as ones who don't quite understand the mystery of women: study your wife, engage her in dialogue, listen to her from a position of not-knowing and of wanting to understand - and dedicate your life and your mind to the discipline of learning what this magnificent and perfect person is with whom you have chosen to live your life.

Responsibilities in Relationships

When we talk to women (wives of our men friends) they seem to have a common complaint that they alone carry the burden of work surrounding their marriage relationships. Why, they ask us, don’t their husbands step up to the plate? Are their men lazy or just clueless?

Well, in a word, yes! Men have not been trained in the art and science of relationships and are generally not inclined to do so. However, we have strong evidence that those men who are in long-term successful relationships have learned and regularly use their relationship skills. But there is a qualification here: the relationship skills used by men are uniquely masculine and may not look like what their wives might call relating skills.
We find that men who have mastery in relationships do a couple things that their brothers don’t do as well.

First and foremost, men need to continue to work on themselves. We call it “doing the inner work” but it amounts to taking life seriously enough to keep sharp and ready. This could be refining their skills in a professional area or staying physically fit. It could be taking classes or doing fund-raising for a charity. Whatever they take on, however, they use it to make themselves better in the process.

Great men in relationship learn how to listen well in two distinct ways: They learn to listen without the knee-jerk reflex to fix something. They know that sometimes it is better to listen and sit with you than to rush off to find a hammer or wrench that will do the job. But what really distinguishes masters in relationship is that they learn how to listen to the issue behind what they are hearing. They learn how to hear the “why” behind “what” their wives may be saying. They become more intuitive in their listening.

And thirdly, relationship masters know that what got them into a relationship in the first place was how they were focusing their attention on the woman of their choice and never stop doing that. We find that a great way to frame that when we talk with men is to tell them that they have to continue to court their wives. But this has two effects: one, it gets them to think of silly, sometimes meaningless, little things that delight their wives, of course. But the more important thing that this does is that it keeps them focused at home. We find that men tend to be attracted to whatever they focus on – it that is their wives, they’re golden, but if it is model railroading or the cute bartender at the local pub, they are in danger! They will be attracted simply by virtue of their attentiveness.

A Married Man’s Survival Guide delves deeply into these and many, many more skills of relationship mastery that men can and do learn.

Forgiveness - Tell Us Your Story

While many would say that love is the most powerful emotion and/or action available to any human, I personally think that the ultimate power is forgiveness. It requires coming from unconditional love - so in truth, it may just be the first cousin of loving. But let's toss it out there and discuss forgiving. So your wife did something that totally dissed you. You feel left out, dismissed, let down, yadayada. Maybe she did the horizontal bop - the ultimate no-no - with your best friend! What do you do?

• You could sue for breach of contract - cool: you are right; she is wrong - GAME OVER.


• You could be hurt, crawl under your rock and give her the cold shoulder and really punish her. Maybe you withhold caring, or touch or even sex from her - that'll show her. Interestingly though you now have two problems, hers and yours. Even harder to dig out from than the original grave you dug.


• You could lash out in rage, dress her down and run the risk of losing it totally and hitting her (or at the last moment missing her and putting your fist through the wall - same result). Now she is afraid of you, feels unsafe and rightfully wants to run and hide. Hmmm - that worked - NOT!

Or you could go talk to your men and get the strength you need to get back in there and do something incredibly transformative - you could forgive. How strong are you? Hey any weakling can cop an attitude and get pissed off but it takes a truckload of strength to be able to forgive. (Gandhi said that forgiveness is the attribute of the strong - that the weak can never forgive.) Forgiveness is transformative - it changes everything. Maybe that's why all the great teachers - Gandhi, Jesus, Martin Luther King, Jr - and so many like them, all said it was the greatest gift. Forgiving is hitting the reset button in your brain - and resetting back to how things were before this ever happened. Forgiveness is not simply tolerating her "despite" whatever she did. Forgiveness is giving her back that state of adoration and love you once afforded her before. It takes real guts to stand in there and welcome her back. Nice words, guys! Right? We would love to hear your stories of forgiveness. Real men only - wimps need not apply!

You Sexy Thing!

Research on human sexuality is changing the long-held opinion that we are by nature monogamous – at least that our sexual pairings are monogamous by nature. The research of the past held the distinction that men and women form “natural” pair-bonds has come under scrutiny of late. Researchers like psychologist/psychiatrist partners Ryan and Jetha (authors of Sex at Dawn, HarperCollins, 2010) have produced remarkable evidence that not only is it uniquely human to have recreational sex (and animalistic to have limited sex confined to ovulation) but that the notion of pair-bonding was actually a product of the religious beliefs of the time of and just preceding Darwin and other major anthropological researchers. In more blunt terms, humans (alone with the Bonobo monkey, our closest primate relative) are delightfully gifted toward promiscuity and not only capable of sex throughout the entire menstrual cycle, we alone (with our Bonobo cousins) seem to be the only ones that enjoy copulation for copulation’s sake.

Ryan and Jetha show that the benefits in societies where open frequent sexual expression exists are many and quite positive: lower infanticide; lower aggression and murder; stronger bonds between women and women, between men and men and between women and men; almost negligible suicide and depression; and children feeling a sense of belonging.

So what? Is this permission to screw your neighbor’s wife. No – not really. But the first take-away from this research is a feeling that your roving eyes (and those of your woman) are not abnormal but in fact quite human and quite normal. It is how we humans have evolved to be. And the logical next thought that arises is that despite the feelings of deep attachment we experience with our chosen mate, there is no evidence that “nature” will keep us attached or in a pair-bond with that mate for as long as we both shall live. So why are we doing this? Why marry in the first place? Why not live in communes or group communities as many aboriginal tribes still do?

We have no moral judgment against anyone acting on these genetically driven impulses and attractions. That is normal. In fact, in light of Ryan and Jetha’s research, it might be considered abnormal to want to be monogamous in the first place. But the raw truth is that, if you have chosen this path (of monogamous marriage), you are bucking your genetic predisposition to be sexually engaged with multiple females of your species.

We have chosen to write a book called A Married Man’s Survival Guide and (soon to be released) Thriving in the Jungle both of which work within the proposition of monogamous, commitment for life. That we are predisposed otherwise makes your choice, and ours, both challenging and distinguishing. While we admire it, we don’t accuse our brothers who wander nor do we get all righteous about being monogamous. It is just our choice – and having made that choice, we are committed to helping ourselves and our brothers to maintain that choice against the odds of doing what is natural and normal to our species. Thriving in the Jungle picks up where the Survival Guide left off and is all about sticking with your commitment and enjoying the ride, the benefits and the longevity of the marriage. And we can't wait to get it in your hands.

Sharpening the Edge

Hey men, it is our pain that sharpens us - our wounds that teach us - our failures that forces us to focus. Why then do we complain? I hear men whining about their wives testing them or being a pain in the rear and then blaming their wives.

I really don't know her, but having talked with as many married men as I have over the years, I will lay odds that there is a bigger lesson there than "I have a bitchy wife." I read a blog recently that was truly sad. The male writer was heartbroken that his wife of one year was saying she didn't feel emotionally engaged. He should leap up and kiss her for being so communicative instead of sulking in the corner! She just told him how she was feeling = followed by the real give away "It's not you, it's me." So the truth in the matter was that his wife was simply telling him that she felt no juice.

So how did he get there in the first place? There was obviously some juice along that path and he needs to remember what it was that he did to court her.

Face it guys, we get lazy and need to be kicked in the pants every once in a while to keep sharp and on point. The Samurai warrior trains for years on the art of bonsai or flower arranging and while concentrating on that, his master sneaks up behind him and whacks him with the broad side of a sword! We must be alert and attentive at all times. The great master teacher said, "Be alert! If the house owner knew the hour the thief was coming he would be ready." You never know when you must be ready, so you must be ready all of the time in marriage. Embrace your problems - they make you sharp and strong. Next?

You Are A Hero

I was helping my son study for his Latin quiz this morning and learned something very interesting. The root word viri, from which comes virile and virtue, is the Latin word for both man and hero.

So if you think about that for a minute, to be a man is to be both a virtuous hero and a virile stud! Are you? Are you virtuous; do you live according to your virtues, or do you sell out regularly? Are you being a hero for your wife or are you tired and whining all the time? Virility has no room for tired and whining! Let's step it up a notch today. Be a hero - it's what being a man really means.

Study Your Woman

Patton studied Rommel. Fischer studied Spasky. You study Tae Kwon Do, or fantasy football league stats, or whatever. Anyone who ever wanted to be great in his craft studied it as a practice. And you must study your wife. It is the only way to be good at this and to have even half a chance at moving from surviving to thriving in marriage. But how?
You live with her, right? So wake up and pay attention. Notice her habits, how she goes about her day, what she chooses when nobody is watching. You need to become a student of this woman. Here is a short list of what you might consider as the required study areas for this new expertise you are going to build:

- Ask her women friends what she likes and dislikes. They know a part of her that you may never see, or that she may be too nice to discuss with you.
- Look through her memorabilia, you know, photo albums, scrap books and the like. Does she have a drawer with keepsakes in? If you don’t feel like it is a violation of “off-limits” territory, look through it and get a new look at your woman.
- Watch what she wears both when she dresses up for an occasion and when she dresses down to relax.
- What does she do to unwind? Where is her favorite place to go?
- We realize we repeat this ad nauseum but listen to what she talks about. But here is the thing you should do with it – look for the pattern. What do all these themes suggest when taken as a group?
What else could you study?

Here’s the bottom line: You cannot claim to love your wife if you do not know her well enough to look at her daily with compassion. You must learn enough about her to know that when she hurts it is her reaction to something, that when she is angry, you know what it is in her that she is trying to protect. The more you know about her the better you will be able to look with compassion and understanding at her. Having compassion is not feeling sorry for her – it is a deep understanding that carries with it an ability to alleviate her suffering itself. When you do this, her moods will not trigger your “equal and opposite” reaction, but instead will be fielded with compassion and understanding. When you know her that well, your ability to love her through whatever she is feeling will heal and nurture her. And that, brothers, is loving her!

The Marriage Ref

I retired from watching TV some 25 years ago when it became apparent that there was little or nothing that captured my attention save the chance to dream Olympian thoughts every two years or so. But I had to come out of tube-watching retirement this week to take a look at “The Marriage Ref.” And I have a few choice words to say about it for which I will not even ask forgiveness. This is a show that offers to referee domestic disputes between couples and declare a so-called winner – a priceless bit of semi-reality TV gone mad!

Okay I am not surprised that men are still being portrayed as buffoons – one of the men wanted to stuff and mount his pet dog in a shrine in the entry of their home and the other wanted to install a stripper pole presumably for his somewhat overfed wife to “exercise" with. You know what, maybe we men actually think stupid things like that but usually we laugh it off and come to our senses within minutes. I am certain that many of us think it would be cool to get all our ex-lovers in a room for one night (like Paul Simon’s Kodachrome) but we don’t actually take step one toward that. Whatever! So have fun with our buffoonery even if it only exists in our heretofore un-acted upon thoughts. It just tires me that Hollywood has not gone too many steps down the sidewalk from Art Carney and Jackie Gleason’s or the Lucy and Desi’s house of the 50’s.

No. That isn’t what bothers me. It is the simple thought that for even these trivial incidents, we think we need a referee. There are two problems here. First of all, there is an assumption inherent in all disagreements that there must be a right and a wrong – a winner. Sorry, folks, when there is a winner there is a loser. And in the case of a marriage relationship, when that happens the real loser is the relationship – not the husband or wife. Relationships cannot tolerate winner/loser tallies. Look we are as competitive as the next guy – it is partly what defines us as men. We love to compete. But your wife does not see the score the same as you. Think of a good batting average – what maybe a .300 – but if that were a wife keeping track, it would be converted to a .700 loss average. Marriage relationships cannot withstand a 70% hit! So our advice is to keep your competitive edge on the playing field.

Which brings me to the second problem, which is more about the process. Relationships are about relating – and relating is working on things. Without question, relationships have issues and problems and disagreements. It is just natural, unless you have married yourself, that your partner will see things differently than you. And what happens when you work on things as a team is that you build up a track record of successes. In a sense working to resolve little things (like stripper poles and stuffed, mounted dogs) builds up muscle to be able to handle real crises, like a pregnant teenage daughter, or huge financial setbacks and the like. Don’t worry, the Marriage Ref will never take on those things because they are too real and it will take real people with guts and commitment to work through that. And I don’t care where you mount the reality TV camera, you just can’t capture that kind of committed work on camera. The bottom line is that it is resolving these “problems” that makes a marriage strong. And having a ref, if it doesn’t kill it will only make it weak and atrophied.

Valentine's Day Isn't Over

Okay guys, let’s talk about love. We don’t mention love very much in the Survival Guide and in fact we may seem to have skirted around the whole emotional issue altogether. There are two very good reasons for this omission. First of all, we men are not really good at articulating our feelings. In fact we tend as a group to be more or less binary in our description of feelings altogether, brilliantly listing our state as good or bad and turned on or turned off! Of course we all know that we experience more emotions than just those, but our use of emotional vocabulary is not only limited by our culture and our genes, it is because emotions, for the most part, are generally puzzling and confusing territory. The second reason we have tiptoed around the emotional garden is that the actual state of being (of love or being in love) is so widely varied that any attempt to describe it is bound to be inaccurate or inadequate for most if not all readers.

But being the adventurous explorers that we are, and given the holiday of love is upon us, we are hereby taking it on. Let’s start with a pretty hefty assertion: Love is the most powerful emotion that there is. We men often think of hate and anger and the array of darker emotions as stronger, but the bulk of evidence is that love, in fact, does conquer all! Every major wise man from the ancient Chinese philosophers, to the Buddha, to Joshua (aka Jesus) and Mohammed and (the list is quite large) have all stated that the only two states that have transformative powers are extreme suffering and unconditional love. Hey we can’t make this up – go do your own research. Love actually has the power to “transform” both the lover and the beloved.

If that is the case, we might ask why we men do not practice the art of loving more often. We certainly are adept at dealing with suffering. Many of us have experienced the transformative affects of pain and suffering. We go on vision quests, and seek out coaches and mentors who put us to the test. But we don’t often read accounts of training in the art of loving. Why? Do we actually think it is that easy? Bullshit! Not the kind of love that is transformative – unconditional love. We simply are not disciplined at being totally unconditional. In fact we might venture to say that we (men) are conditional as hell! And that goes double for our women. We love them if and when they are cute, fit and in shape (but what happens if she gets fat?) We love them when and if we get outrageous sex (but what happens when that well dries up?) We love them because they care for us (but what happens when she gets needy?) Oh, yea, we are pretty conditional bastards!

So the truth of the matter is that it is extremely difficult to learn and practice unconditional love. And yet that is exactly what we have to opportunity to do when we enter a committed marriage. It is perhaps the only regularly available training ground for learning the art of unconditionality. Maybe that is why many religions list marriage as a sacred state or sacrament. Now we cite many examples in the Survival Guide of how your wife’s job is to test you and how that testing makes you stronger. But our challenge this Valentine’s Day is to take on the practice and discipline of loving in your marriage – proactively! So we are throwing down the gauntlet – we are challenging you to see if you are man enough to take this on.

Here is the challenge: For the next 90 days, do these two things. One, do at least one thing each day just for her – no matter how big or small, just make it something you do for her without regard to receiving ANYTHING in return for doing it. And, two, look at her for a whole minute (when she is not noticing you doing it) while holding the thought of how wonderful she is. You might have to recall the things she did when you were dating, or dig deeply for some memory at first, but you have to look at her as her lover. Again, you must do this without expecting anything in return and in fact without her noticing you doing it. Then after 90 days see who has transformed! Not only will your wife start looking more radiant to you, the real value is that you will have totally transformed yourself. Tell us how it went - write us at marriagesurvival@gmail.com

Happy Valentine’s Day, Loverboy!

Focus Focus Focus

Yesterday my wife asked me what could explain the sudden increase in divorces and separations that we had been hearing of. "Is it something in the water, or is no one teaching the skills of marriage survival anymore?" "Anymore?" I retorted, "No one ever taught them in the first place - that's why we're writing this book." We discussed how many of the men and women we knew who were now seeking divorce had actually attended relationship weekends or men's and women's initiation weekends and that they seemed okay for a while. But then it all seemed to go to hell in a hand basket!


Dave and I have both done several of those weekends and we find that men coming out of them have gained a couple of common lessons - that men are all just men, that men are commitment focused and need a higher purpose to stay on track, and so on - but the main one is that you get what you focus on. Relationship weekends teach focus above all else. Focus on your wife. Do things just for her and just to delight her and elevate her. Good shit! But I think that many men hear the task and not the tool. The task - what you should do - doesn't really matter. You could do just about anything and it would work fine. It is how you do that and what that tool is that really matters.


And that is focus. We men grow up learning to focus our attention: it is the skill of fishing, the primary tool of athletics, and of ensuring you don't lop off a finger in wood shop! Focusing on something increases our direction and attraction toward it. Focusing on a thing makes us unstoppable. But what happens when we have a zillion other choices at our fingertips? What happens when we start seeing that there are thousands of women (quite beautiful ones) who are willing to peddle their attraction to or availability to us? What happens when old lovers can find us and "friend" us on FaceBook? We lose focus - we get waaaay distracted!


I am not blaming FaceBook for the divorces, mind you. I am simply saying that it represents part of the growing problem. It has become too easy to lose focus. And worse yet is that we have selective memories. Look, do you remember why you broke up with the Captain of the Cheerleaders in HS? No. But I'd be willing to bet a paycheck you (vividly) remember nailing her that first time! And so when she pops up, out of the blue, all those hot summer night memories pop up with her. And it goes both ways. I am working with a man whose wife is having an Internet affair (which he presumes will shortly lead to consummation) with her high school sweetheart. Guess what he's doing with her - focusing all his attention on HER! And that, brothers, is seductive.


So the long and short of it is this: work on your focus. Be aware of what you are focusing on. It is a dangerously powerful tool. Focus on your goals, focus on your purpose and, for your marriage's sake, focus on your wife. (Go back and read "Happiness is a choice" posted on Aug 20 for more.)

The Challenging Life

If memory serves me, the first line of M Scott Peck's classic, The Road Less Traveled, is "Life is difficult." Truth be told, life is challenging and should not be thought of otherwise. But these difficulties and challenges are not meant to sink us. Rather, they are what shapes and molds us into the powerful men we are meant to be.

However, somewhere along the line, someone made up this crazy idea that you "deserve" a comfortable life of leisure! And it is this false belief that causes us the real pain - not the difficulties themselves. Imagine that you believed that the rules of pro football were that each team took turns moving the ball down the field with a variety of cool moves and that the other team's job was to conveniently step aside and help create the beauty of their execution. Were that your belief, you would be shocked and even angered when an opposing linebacker leveled the receiver with a bone-crunching tackle!

But we all cheer such game day opposition - because those are the real rules. If we assume the same to be the rules of life (that the opposition is there to make us better) then we might get up from each hit, straighten our pads and run back to the huddle for the next play. Well, life is like that. It's game day every day, fellas, and this is the NFL! So suit up, get out there and leave it all on the field! Or as my coach used to say, "Suck it up, princess!"

The 10 Great Non-Truths About Marriage Success

These aren't outright lies - they just are not true, and believing them to be true misleads us.

1. Men have no relationship skills
Flat out wrong! Men may have different ways of relating, a different set of emotions and a different vocabulary about those emotions. But men can and do develop the skills of relating and relationship.

2. You need to learn to be a better communicator
False! Some men (and women) are not really good communicators; that is true. But you do not need to learn to be a better communicator, just a better listener.

3. Time heals all wounds
False! Wounds fester and rot if not treated, and she still will keep it on the list of all the things that hurt her or otherwise threatened her safety unless you work to heal it with her.

4. There is a right way to communicate and a right way to be in relationship with women
False! There are as many ways as there are people in them. The task you face is bringing 100% your authentic self to the relationship.

5. A perfect marriage is one that is harmonious and has no problems
False! A perfect marriage is one that can work out differences, problems and misunderstandings. Knowing how to start, how to stop or take a time out and how to stay in there when the going gets tough are the most critical skills.

6. Both partners have to work equally on the relationship
Wrong! Your marriage success is entirely dependant on you and how you show up. Show up like a whining little boy and you suck the life away; show up like a powerhouse and you become the solid foundation of the whole relationship. Believing it's her job or even half hers, permits you to slack off your duty!

7. Sex is the barometer of marriage health
False! While it is true that a damaged marriage might experience diminished sex, it is not a universal truth, and the inverse belief that sex will make a dysfunctional and damaged relationship better is erroneous.

8. Women are fickle and self-serving
False! Women make decisions more on how they feel about the options at any given moment. Part of what drives that is their fear, vulnerability and their need for safety. Understand how she feels, and you will know where she stands.

9. It would be good to get coaching from other married women on what works
False! You do not think like a woman and as a result would try to morph yourself into what you think they are saying. The best advice comes from successful men.

10. Topping the charts with a great deed will pay off for years to come
Nope, not true! You have to act as if each deed scores only one point no matter how big or small. Continually focusing your efforts on her is a discipline you must master.

Excuses

Do you make excuses? For what?

Missing the anniversary? Late home from work? Your funk of a mood (she started it!)?

Well the problem with excuses is that they mean nothing and make no difference whatsoever. I catch my 11 year old son doing something that I need to correct and the first thing out of his mouth is an excuse. Actually, from his perspective it is his rationale for why it was the right and logical thing to be doing. So we could call excuses your rationale, and ask instead, "do you have a rationale for everything?"

Somewhere in this society, courtesy of someone (I'll blame a litigious bunch of lawyers with too much time and not enough cases), we got this strange idea that an excuse - a really good excuse - makes a difference. "See, what you have to understand is that blah blah..." No I do not have to understand. No results and a good story still equals no results. Late for dinner and a good reason is still late for dinner.

Wayne Levine, author of Hold On To Your N.U.T.s, calls it the voice of your little boy and says that as men we need to "silence the little boy." I could not agree more. When it comes to being in relationship, stories, rationale, good intentions and excuses just don't cut it. In truth they all kill relationship. Not cleanly like a slit throat, they kill relationships like a bad case of gangrene; smelling and rotting and poisoning the body until it can no longer function.

One of the best disciplines you can adopt to be successful in marriage is the elimination of excuses. Practice with your men's circle or team. Build a no tolerance, no excuse environment. Start and end on time, make hard and big commitments to each other and take a good look at what happens when there is zero tolerance for excuses. Not done is not done but you can see what happened more clearly. Now you are cooking!