When Knowing Isn't Enough

Whoopie shit!  So I write this blog and with Dave's great insights and help have written A Married Man's Survival Guide and now it's sequel, Thriving in the Jungle, and then something happens like this past week that causes me to question it all.  The occasion was when a close relative came to me because their marriage was about to fall apart. Real stuff that I have dealt with many times before with friends and buddies, but this one landed really close to home.

My first instinct was to think "What advice can I give that might make a difference?" But the pivotal phrase in that sentence is "make a difference" and all the advice in the world has never made any difference - to anybody.  That isn't what matters when the bomb goes off right next to you.  All that matters is that you are there.  All that matters is that you listen (without editorializing), just listen.

Oh to be certain, I have an opinion.  I have failed at marriage and have gotten divorced and I have lived through dealing with the monster that occupies the space between failure and the final decree.  And all I can really say is that it sucks - as in it sucks all of the life out of you, all of the oxygen out of your lungs - and you cannot think or breathe or move. And what is worse is that the way that felt for me is different than how it will feel for my brother or my kids or for you going through that same in-between space.

I (or you) can never know what it is like for another, no matter how well we know that person or the path they are walking.  We just have no insight into what they are experiencing, and even when they tell us of that unique brand of suckitude fron which they are presently suffering, we will only understand it in terms of what we have as words and history and feelings.  We won't understand theirs.  So all of that knowing is for shit - it has no relevance in the space in-between.

So we laid there and stared up at the ceiling and I listened into the confusion and pain. And as quietly as I could I let the tears of remembrance slide down into my hairline so I wouldn't interfere the telling and spewing that was happening beside me.  And eventually we laughed and went to sleep, so we could get up and talk and listen some more.

It's not over and I am not deluding myself into thinking that I made even an iota of difference.  But I did no harm by assuming that I knew more or different or better.  Sometimes the experiences and pains of life teach you that we all have those periods - those explosions - in our lives and what matters is that we aren't alone.  My pain has taught me compassion for the pain of others so that I can listen without opinion - and for a short while maybe it didn't hurt as much.

Somebody That I Used to Know

I am haunted lately by the song by Gotye and Kimbra that chronicles a broken relationship. He singing from the perspective of one reeling from the end of the current relationship and she from having made the choice to leave because he hadn't let go of another previous relationship. Go figger! Does that really happen? Actually the question might be when does it not happen or how often is that the case?

Living in relationship is a process of entangling the very fibers of your being with those of another and if and when that ends in a break up the fingerprints of that relationship do not disappear immediately, if ever. In Bob Seger's song Traveling Man, he says that each love left traces on his soul. I kind of think of them as being etched into my soul.  I gave my life to each one for the time we were together and is that supposed to fade into nothingness after we are no longer an item? And as for marriage - readers who are familiar with me know that these 20 years of marriage were not my first - I have been married before and fathered two outstanding daughters from that previous marriage. And is their mother supposed to be just somebody that I used to know? I think not.

The relationship did not end well. I was stupid and made very stupid choices that left my ex no alternatives but to divorce me.  But when I came to, I realized that I was still deeply committed as a father and that meant I needed to forge a relationship with their mom.  It took work and it took time, but it has been worth regaining her as someone I still know and cherish.  Recently one of our adult daughters did something pretty spectacular, something about which I knew we were both deeply proud of.  I took the occasion (as I have done many times in the past) to call up my ex-wife and praise her for the magnificent job she did as a mother.  She tried to deflect and say I had a part, but I would not be deterred. I knew that the bulk of parenting through their formative years had hers - and I just wanted to thank her for what she had done.


But the point of this story is that I am clear that she is not just somebody that I used to know. I know that she and each lover I have known has become an inextricable part of who I am.  And I am just another man. We men do that.  Women think we fear commitment. But nothing could be further from the truth.  We commit hard and we commit fully. And when that relationship ends, our commitment somehow does not.  It lingers and hangs out in the deeper recesses of our memory. Their traces on our soul are pretty much permanent.

So  when asked by your current (wife, lover, girlfriend - you fill in the blank) if you are "over" your last love, you can lie and say you're done.  But if she is a normal woman with their uncanny sixth sense that sees through walls and senses even the slightest change in mood or temperature, she will eventually know someone else is still in there.  And if she is hung up on being the exclusive tenant of your soul you may end up singing along with Gotye and Kindra that she's just somebody you used to know.

You Sexy Thing!

Research on human sexuality is changing the long-held opinion that we are by nature monogamous – at least that our sexual pairings are monogamous by nature. The research of the past held the distinction that men and women form “natural” pair-bonds has come under scrutiny of late. Researchers like psychologist/psychiatrist partners Ryan and Jetha (authors of Sex at Dawn, HarperCollins, 2010) have produced remarkable evidence that not only is it uniquely human to have recreational sex (and animalistic to have limited sex confined to ovulation) but that the notion of pair-bonding was actually a product of the religious beliefs of the time of and just preceding Darwin and other major anthropological researchers. In more blunt terms, humans (alone with the Bonobo monkey, our closest primate relative) are delightfully gifted toward promiscuity and not only capable of sex throughout the entire menstrual cycle, we alone (with our Bonobo cousins) seem to be the only ones that enjoy copulation for copulation’s sake.

Ryan and Jetha show that the benefits in societies where open frequent sexual expression exists are many and quite positive: lower infanticide; lower aggression and murder; stronger bonds between women and women, between men and men and between women and men; almost negligible suicide and depression; and children feeling a sense of belonging.

So what? Is this permission to screw your neighbor’s wife. No – not really. But the first take-away from this research is a feeling that your roving eyes (and those of your woman) are not abnormal but in fact quite human and quite normal. It is how we humans have evolved to be. And the logical next thought that arises is that despite the feelings of deep attachment we experience with our chosen mate, there is no evidence that “nature” will keep us attached or in a pair-bond with that mate for as long as we both shall live. So why are we doing this? Why marry in the first place? Why not live in communes or group communities as many aboriginal tribes still do?

We have no moral judgment against anyone acting on these genetically driven impulses and attractions. That is normal. In fact, in light of Ryan and Jetha’s research, it might be considered abnormal to want to be monogamous in the first place. But the raw truth is that, if you have chosen this path (of monogamous marriage), you are bucking your genetic predisposition to be sexually engaged with multiple females of your species.

We have chosen to write a book called A Married Man’s Survival Guide and (soon to be released) Thriving in the Jungle both of which work within the proposition of monogamous, commitment for life. That we are predisposed otherwise makes your choice, and ours, both challenging and distinguishing. While we admire it, we don’t accuse our brothers who wander nor do we get all righteous about being monogamous. It is just our choice – and having made that choice, we are committed to helping ourselves and our brothers to maintain that choice against the odds of doing what is natural and normal to our species. Thriving in the Jungle picks up where the Survival Guide left off and is all about sticking with your commitment and enjoying the ride, the benefits and the longevity of the marriage. And we can't wait to get it in your hands.

Prepared for Marriage

Tomorrow my bride and I fly to Costa Rica to attend the wedding of two of our friends. They are both ready. Oh yea, they are in love, but that is not what makes them ready.
Ready for marriage is having your head screwed on straight. For a man it means having learned how to keep your wits and your commitments about you while in the presence of someone so attractive that you might otherwise be tempted to sell your soul to the devil to get. It also means knowing that any time two people get together, there will be (there must be) differences of opinion and of valuation, of timing and energy, of needs and desires - and that you are prepared to do whatever it takes to work through all of those differences yet to be discovered.
I am proud of my friend and will be standing at his side in full support of him and his commitment as they begin the journey. And I am standing there as the guardian of any possibility of a back door.
In marriage there is no back door. You close it, bolt it shut, brick and plaster it over and paint it so that you could never find it if you wanted. Then when there is no escape, you will be forced into the whatever-it-takes that really works things out. Congratulations, M&B, you are powerful, skilled, passionate and smart. With all of that, I know you will beat the ugly statistics that are betting against you.

Love Her "For Free"

Years ago I read a short essay by Tom Robbins called something like "How to Make Love Stay" or something like that. Aside from some wild and crazy ideas of the sort we have included in the final section of our book (250 ways to keep your woman happy and make make her smile), his orientation to love and marriage relationships shows a similar orientation to ours. It is an ownership that places us (men) squarely in charge of ourselves - and no one else. In one quote I found from Robbins, he said, “We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”

What can we do to create ourselves as "perfect love?" How would we become the man our wives would cheat on us for, as Wayne Levine, and Justin Sterling both call it? Well, first and foremost you need to build your strength (no, dude, not in the gym per se) in your guts and in your passion for how you serve the world. Know what your purpose is and live it daily. Then when you turn your attention to your wife, what she'll see is a man who gives (instead of taking, and needing and whining). Love can only thrive in a place where it has no demands made of it. And what you can do to ensure that is make sure you are complete and self-sustaining.

I love the way Robbins says it: “Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.”

Loving your wife for free is THE only way - and it is the ultimate way to keep love alive, well and succulent.

Study Your Woman

Patton studied Rommel. Fischer studied Spasky. You study Tae Kwon Do, or fantasy football league stats, or whatever. Anyone who ever wanted to be great in his craft studied it as a practice. And you must study your wife. It is the only way to be good at this and to have even half a chance at moving from surviving to thriving in marriage. But how?
You live with her, right? So wake up and pay attention. Notice her habits, how she goes about her day, what she chooses when nobody is watching. You need to become a student of this woman. Here is a short list of what you might consider as the required study areas for this new expertise you are going to build:

- Ask her women friends what she likes and dislikes. They know a part of her that you may never see, or that she may be too nice to discuss with you.
- Look through her memorabilia, you know, photo albums, scrap books and the like. Does she have a drawer with keepsakes in? If you don’t feel like it is a violation of “off-limits” territory, look through it and get a new look at your woman.
- Watch what she wears both when she dresses up for an occasion and when she dresses down to relax.
- What does she do to unwind? Where is her favorite place to go?
- We realize we repeat this ad nauseum but listen to what she talks about. But here is the thing you should do with it – look for the pattern. What do all these themes suggest when taken as a group?
What else could you study?

Here’s the bottom line: You cannot claim to love your wife if you do not know her well enough to look at her daily with compassion. You must learn enough about her to know that when she hurts it is her reaction to something, that when she is angry, you know what it is in her that she is trying to protect. The more you know about her the better you will be able to look with compassion and understanding at her. Having compassion is not feeling sorry for her – it is a deep understanding that carries with it an ability to alleviate her suffering itself. When you do this, her moods will not trigger your “equal and opposite” reaction, but instead will be fielded with compassion and understanding. When you know her that well, your ability to love her through whatever she is feeling will heal and nurture her. And that, brothers, is loving her!