A Man-Sized Issue

I joined in recently in an on-line discussion of the gun control diatribe (masquerading as dialogue). It wasn’t really a dialogue at all – just a bunch of angry, self-righteous men haranguing each other for the audacity to hold fast to a belief other than their own. So-called pacifists screaming (as best they can over internet type) at staunch defenders of the Second Amendment right to have a gun of their choice to defend their family and property; and the latter’s expletive-laden vitriol about how he will either kill or go to jail to defend that right.

That is not dialogue, and it is one of three main problems that lie at the source of this breakdown. The first problem is that there can no longer be dialogue.  We have lost the ability to discuss and dialogue with each other; unless of course you agree with absolutely everything I say, in which case, I contend, it is not dialogue. True dialogue is an exchange of ideals wherein listening occurs and through which both parties are changed. Dialogue is a creative resolution starting with opposing or differing points of view that results in a new, previously impossible (or improbable) thought. It cannot be reached when both parties start from the absolute point of view that I am right and you are dead wrong, and operate from a fundamental dualistic logic.  Right/wrong dualism renders anything the other person says automatically wrong and therefore not-listened-to. Where is the dialogue in that? So as a result, congress and my Facebook friends simply engage in angry positioning and demeaning name-calling.

But that is only one part of it.  The second source problem within the gun-control diatribe is that we have evolved into a state where we expect laws, legislation and other people to do the hard work or moral decision-making and critical thinking for us. It takes a ton of developmental work to build the capacity to think critically and in a fully mature way about such complex issues as justice, gun-control, global warming, sexual ethics, reproductive rights and human dignity (to name a few). These and other issues like them as immensely complex dilemmas that have no single or simple solutions. Yet as a society we want the simple solution; we want the silver bullet; we want washboard abs with only 15 seconds of exercise a day. 

Thirdly, we have de-evolved into a society who expects that if something is wrong, we can just take a pill to fix it, and that just is not the way things happen. And within that, we hold the expectation that someone else will do it for us. Dear brothers, it is not up to someone else (be that chemistry and pharmaceuticals or law-makers and their polity) to solve our problems for us. These are ours and we need to take ownership and responsibility for the issues we have. Having a law that polices how guns are sold (we have one), or requiring background checks, or magazine sizes will not solve the problem of accountability and responsibility.

 

So the long and short of it is that there is a way out or through this fiasco, but it will take a huge amount of work. First and foremost, we need to take full responsibility not only for the creation of a solution but for the control and use of any firearms out there. In a way the platitude that “guns don’t kill; people do” is right. But until every person who owns or sells, or touches weapons of any sort (let’s throw crossbows and bows and other forms of weaponry in there) takes full accountability of how each weapon is responsibly used, we will continue to have the problem of weapons getting into “the wrong hands.” We need to develop the lost skill of critical thinking to begin to address complex problems and complex solutions in a more mature and rational way.  But above all, we need to re-learn the art of true dialogue.  That is a tall order, but the consequences of ignoring the source issues are too costly; innocent children’s lives being snuffed out before they have even begun to live; malls and theatres becoming unsafe places to go; and young men thinking that the resolution of an argument is drawing and firing some sexy weapon. And  face it, while some women own and sell firearms, predominantly this is a men's issue! When the statistics are frightening enough perhaps the work will be done.

Is It Short-term or The Real Thing?

I had a conversation with a woman friend of the family today who was asking advice on what she should do with a relationship she was in. The bottom line was that they had been dating for a while but that, though she really liked him, they were experiencing some rough spots. She was asking if she should break it off and if so how.  She said she had heard an adage that you can’t ever make a long term committed relationship out of a short term recreational one, so she felt she had to call it quits. It’s a question I hear a lot, and one I would like to respond to more publicly.

First of all, it is not that can’t take a short term relationship and make a long term committed marriage out of it, many great marriages have started with no intention of ending up that way (married).  It’s just that the two types of relationships are based on different values and have different intentions.  A short term relationship – one that may include fun and lots of recreational type of sex – is mostly about you. So ultimately what has to survive in short term relationship is you not the relationship.  By contrast a long term committed relationship is focused on the relationship and therefore what must be preserved is the relationship. You actually take second seat to the relationship. So what happens when two people get into relationship is that they ultimately discover their differences.  It is inevitable that you will have differences simply because you are different people.  What committed people do is that they commit to resolving those differences. The differences and their associated difficulties become the reason for breaking up in a short term relationship, but they are the essence of what makes a committed relationship strong.

So the answer to my woman friend was not what she had called to find out. I told her that this sounded like one of those pivotal points where she had to decide if they wanted to make a go at a long term committed relationship. If that becomes the case – and it can only become the case if both parties agree to it – then this impasse becomes the first of many hurdles that they will encounter and must overcome. Just because the impasse had seemed problematic did not mean they had to break up. Unless, of course, this was only a short term adventure. In that case, she had better take care of herself, which most likely meant she needed to break the tie. “And how do I do that,” she asked.

Swiftly and bluntly – in no uncertain terms. In relationship, I told her, men do not understand subtleties. In fact it often requires a stick of dynamite or a two by four across the temple. We often don’t get it when you like us and want us to come after you , and we certainly don’t get it when you want us to go away.  So be clear and to the point.  Clean cuts heal faster and after you want out of there as quickly and cleanly as you can. Short term relationships are about you not him.

Success Breeds Success

We don't fight anymore. Well it doesn't feel light fighting or arguing anymore.

But man-o-man, it sure used to. When we were first married, my wife could say those four words ("We have to talk.") and a chill would run down my spine. It didn't feel like an invitation! And after failing a marriage before, I was certain that such discussions would lead to another divorce. But as much as I tried to scamper away, she would not let me hide.

So we argued and duked it out and solved the problem (gasp) yeah, we actually came to some kind of resolution. And gradually, one argument at a time, I learned that a couple can engage in an argument and come out the other side still in love. One at a time, we built a legacy of resolving issues - successfully - so that now, 20 years later, we have a significant pile of evidence that we can solve anything.

And I have learned a few things along the way:

1. "We have to talk" means I have not been listening to what is going on in her life and it's time to do that!
2. "What?" means I have an opportunity to rephrase what I just said!

3. "You (fill in the blank, as in you did this or that and I'm pissed/hurt)" means she is trying to tell me how she feels. In fact it is not about me; nothing she tells me about how she is feeling or how "I made her" feel has anything to do with me. She is just telling me how she feels.

4. Tears are a sign of strong emotions and I need to stick around and listen or ask more questions.

5. Silence is a sign of strong emotions that I need to wait for. It is best to let her be and assume that she will come around to discussing it later when she has sorted it out better.

But none of these is a cause anymore for me to run and hide or seek solace at the bar or in someone else. All of this and more show up as opportunities to build more successes. If there is anything at this point I am certain of, it's that nothing can kill us, that nothing is so big that we cannot handle it. (And don't even go down the path of "well what if you cheat on her?" because that is not gonna happen. This is a committed marriage and there is no room for that here.) When you put in the time to work on issues and resolve them, you don't think of escaping. I just know we can handle any issues, and why would I want to start that process all over with another woman? I have too much success built up to even think of trading that in. Success is quite an anchor!

Sharpening the Edge

Hey men, it is our pain that sharpens us - our wounds that teach us - our failures that forces us to focus. Why then do we complain? I hear men whining about their wives testing them or being a pain in the rear and then blaming their wives.

I really don't know her, but having talked with as many married men as I have over the years, I will lay odds that there is a bigger lesson there than "I have a bitchy wife." I read a blog recently that was truly sad. The male writer was heartbroken that his wife of one year was saying she didn't feel emotionally engaged. He should leap up and kiss her for being so communicative instead of sulking in the corner! She just told him how she was feeling = followed by the real give away "It's not you, it's me." So the truth in the matter was that his wife was simply telling him that she felt no juice.

So how did he get there in the first place? There was obviously some juice along that path and he needs to remember what it was that he did to court her.

Face it guys, we get lazy and need to be kicked in the pants every once in a while to keep sharp and on point. The Samurai warrior trains for years on the art of bonsai or flower arranging and while concentrating on that, his master sneaks up behind him and whacks him with the broad side of a sword! We must be alert and attentive at all times. The great master teacher said, "Be alert! If the house owner knew the hour the thief was coming he would be ready." You never know when you must be ready, so you must be ready all of the time in marriage. Embrace your problems - they make you sharp and strong. Next?

It's All A Pack of Lies!

We men have been operating for eons under what can be described in no other words than a pack of lies - oh I guess we could call it horse manure, but that is the same. Those lies and the really big central lie under which we all labor is that you have to do it alone!

Okay, here is the whole pack: All the problems of the world are yours; you have to solve every problem you encounter; if you don't do it, you are a wimp; if you don't do it by yourself, you are a weak wimp, if you do pull it off, you are a hero, etc. Got it?

Well, we are here to tell you that is is bullcrap! You do not have to do any of this alone, especially your marriage and the issues that arise in it. That's why we have men's teams - or circles of men - that we go to for advice and help. Men need men, we always have. For more than a hundred thousand years, men have counseled other men, advised each other, prepared their brothers for battles or the hunt. We men banded together and always have.


Until recently that is. Somewhere in the last 50 years we got handed this pack of macho lies that went hand in hand with the dissolution of the nuclear family and the lockdown of our neighborhoods. We started living in isolation; we stopped going to those stalwart social service groups like the Eagles or Masons - regardless of what you think of them - that were holders of men's collective wisdom. And along with it we were told we had to do it alone.


Get over it. Get out of your way and stop destroying your marriage by trying to solve everything on your own. Go to your men (or find a nearby group). At the very least you will find out that you are not the only one who has faced the beast you are currently dealing with and at the best you will get some tried and true wisdom of the men there. One caution thogh is that you should never take advice from someone that does not have what you desire. Hey, would you take investment advice from a bum? Then seek out successfully married men. That's what we did in writing the MMSG.