Her "List"

In our guide we refer to the idea that your wife has on file in her head a "list" of previous screw-ups and hurts you have caused her. The specific term of list might not be exactly right but it is certainly how we men experience it. Let me explain.

Women, though many are powerful, most often experience themselves and their state as "prey." This is a result of being objectified, ogled, groped and (statistics say 1 in 3) raped. Their bodies, boobs and buttocks are under scrutiny, or paraded on the catwalk at all times. And we men more often than not see a woman's body before we see her personality. That is threatening to most women. As a result, women rightfully fear for their safety. They - perhaps not consciously - must constantly be evaluating if they are safe in this or that situation - your marriage being one of them. Thus when we inevitably cause a hurt or safety concerns it triggers up this memory of other hurts you (or perhaps even other men before you) have caused. This memory, let's call it the "safety file," is coded by type and severity. (Remember we are dealing with women who can distinguish and name twelve different hues of blue! They are gatherers, not hunters, who can determine exactly when the berry is the ripest.) Thus when you create a big hurt the big memories come out and often lesser demeanors will trigger off lower level memories of the same genre.

Whatever the case, this list is not something that she is holding onto to bludgeon you with at the right time. It is more like what Eckhart Tolle calls "the pain body" of her ego. It is stored memory of hurt and safety issues and each successive instance is compared with and added to that body of evidence. There is nothing you can do to change that. All you can and must do is, knowing that your wife experiences life as a safety issue, continually do whatever you can to make her life safe and her world as protective. The more you do the better she can fully blossom as her beautifully feminine self.