I had a conversation with a woman friend of the family today
who was asking advice on what she should do with a relationship she was in. The
bottom line was that they had been dating for a while but that, though she
really liked him, they were experiencing some rough spots. She was asking if
she should break it off and if so how.
She said she had heard an adage that you can’t ever make a long term
committed relationship out of a short term recreational one, so she felt she
had to call it quits. It’s a question I hear a lot, and one I would like to
respond to more publicly.
First of all, it is not that can’t take a short term
relationship and make a long term committed marriage out of it, many great
marriages have started with no intention of ending up that way (married). It’s just that the two types of relationships
are based on different values and have different intentions. A short term relationship – one that may
include fun and lots of recreational type of sex – is mostly about you. So
ultimately what has to survive in short term relationship is you not the
relationship. By contrast a long term
committed relationship is focused on the relationship and therefore what must
be preserved is the relationship. You actually take second seat to the
relationship. So what happens when two people get into relationship is that
they ultimately discover their differences.
It is inevitable that you will have differences simply because you are
different people. What committed people
do is that they commit to resolving those differences. The differences and
their associated difficulties become the reason for breaking up in a short term
relationship, but they are the essence of what makes a committed relationship
strong.
So the answer to my woman friend was not what she had called
to find out. I told her that this sounded like one of those pivotal points
where she had to decide if they wanted to make a go at a long term committed
relationship. If that becomes the case – and it can only become the case if
both parties agree to it – then this impasse becomes the first of many hurdles
that they will encounter and must overcome. Just because the impasse had seemed
problematic did not mean they had to break up. Unless, of course, this was only
a short term adventure. In that case, she had better take care of herself,
which most likely meant she needed to break the tie. “And how do I do that,”
she asked.
Swiftly and bluntly – in no uncertain terms. In
relationship, I told her, men do not understand subtleties. In fact it often
requires a stick of dynamite or a two by four across the temple. We often don’t
get it when you like us and want us to come after you , and we certainly don’t
get it when you want us to go away. So
be clear and to the point. Clean cuts
heal faster and after you want out of there as quickly and cleanly as you can.
Short term relationships are about you not him.
