Fighting for Honor

The honor/shame struggle is central to the masculine experience. That we are always attempting to prove our honor and trustworthiness seems to be hard-wired into every male. Like abandonment is the central issue for women, honor and trust are critical to us men. And this is not new age 21st century revelation, mind you, it is as old as dirt.


Theologian Barbara Essex once wrote a book called Bad Boys of the Bible (curiously omitting Bad Boy, King David) wherein she documents how far back our problems go. From the earliest of times, the honorable/shameful story of men has been been the making of the best stories. Even in the first biblical story Adam blames Eve, and their son Cain kills his brother Abel. Hey, we're doomed and condemned from that point on. But consider the biblical stories of Jacob (his wanting the only woman in the bible actually labeled as shapely - Rachel - and ending up having 11 other kids with her less than bodacious sister Leah) and David who screws around with Bathsheba so he has to have her husband killed to "legitimately" have her as a wife: now these guys were... were... what? Normal men? Bad influences? Great leaders and fathers of nations?


But the message we, who have heard these stories in Sunday School or Yeshiva, took on was that we must be guilty and shameful. We have learned through the stories of time that we are skirt-chasers, corruptible, and less-than-honorable scoundrels. So we have to be more honorable for our wives (who read and heard the same stories) today. Bullshit!


You do not have to prove your honor! You do not have to prove your masculinity! You do not have to make amends for historical man's wrong-doings! You have only to be you, to do the best you can at that game and bring that to each encounter you have. No one can make you honorable by awarding you some trophy! You do not have to doubt your masculinity or your value in the world. It was given to you at your birth. You are a man, and all you ever have to do is bring that unique brand of manhood to the party. You are welcomed in my circle any time.


And given what those guys did, I don't look so bad after all.