Viva Las Vegas!

A week ago the Married Man's Survival Guide went to its coming out party on the strip in Vegas. As we started our abbreviated workshop on understanding the Relationship Equity Account, we asked the room full of men to state their name and number of years of successful marriage in their current relationship. To our delight, there were over a dozen men with a quarter of a century or more of success! To these masters we granted the authority to interrupt us at any point in the session to correct or comment. We were only reporters passing on things that they and others like them had taught us!


At one point in the session, an elder gentleman wanted to make a comment - to correct us on an assertion we had been making. While he was our senior and deserving of our respect, I remembered his introduction and that he hadn't been one of the masters - in fact he had only 3 years of marriage currently under way. So we suggested that he phrase his comment as a question and ask the masters in the room. Not surprisingly, all of them essentially shut him down and said that it would not be a good idea. What he was suggesting is not important, but what is important is that we all are always well advised when we go first to the masters.


If you want to get good at something, find those who do it well and imitate them. Kind of what Napoleon Hill said in Think and Grow Rich.


Post Script: On the plane out I sat next to a couple who had been married for 59 years! (thank you, God!) They were holding hands and touching each other rather unconsciously most of the trip. And so when Mrs. D got up for a bathroom break, I leaned over and asked Karl, "So tell me, what is the secret to your success?" His answers could have come straight from the MMSG text, except for one we hadn't yet collected. With a smile he said, "sleep naked!"


I love it!

Amazing Dating Advice!

This post comes to you from Wayne Levine - Author of Hold On To Your NUTs and leader/founder of BetterMen. Check out his website at BetterMen.org - The following is a direct lift of Wayne's post - we could not have said it any better! Rock on, Wayne!

Amazing Dating Advice!
Be the man you want to be, and you'll get the woman you're meant to be with. That's it.

Oh, you were expecting more? Some techniques to manipulate her into liking you even though you're not too crazy about yourself? Perhaps some strategic maneuver to trick her into thinking that you're more successful--or more handsome--than you really are? Or did you expect some infomercial-king-style-of-advice that would help you score with the babes, despite the fact that you're terrified to meet women? Might we be looking at a "mommy" issue?

Am I making my point? The dating advice available--and purchased so enthusiastically by the unsuspecting--is mostly garbage. Why should dating require anything less than the other significant challenges in your life? If being the man you want to be is the foundation of being successful in your career, in your marriage, and as a father, doesn't it make sense that to be successful in dating, you ought to have a handle on being that better man? That's where the work is. Be a man you're proud to be. Have integrity. Exercise. Eat well. Have other men in your life who will help you to grow up and be that man. When you feel good about you, when you feel successful, that's what the women will see.

And by the way, unless you're a kid (young or old) who just wants to get laid, what most men are looking for is one good woman. That's all...one! The odds are in your favor, even without the breakthrough techniques available to you...if you order now! So rather than focusing so much energy on how to "not be yourself" in order to attract women, start focusing inside to be the very best man you are. The source of your power is not out there. It's an inside job. And when you've done a good job, inside, opportunity will start knocking. And she'll be just perfect for you.

Vegas Bound

This Friday we are headed to Las Vegas to present a snippet of the MMSG at a Men's Conference. It's a topic called the Relationship Equity Account and pretty much the thing that started this venture into writing the book and spreading the word on how to be the best man in your marriage.

The REA revolves around continually doing things for your woman aimed solely at making her smile and feel happy and cared for. You must do these for no other reason (see the post on Loving Her For Free, August 27). Though you will benefit from what you end up doing - in many, many ways, you cannot do them for the purpose of benefit. That is a withdrawal from the account. These are deposits. Or maybe think of them as paying the utility bill. If you don't pay, the lights are shut off - that simple.

The REA is based on the principle that no matter what you do or how big or expensive it was, it nets you one point. Conversely, however, your errors, omissions, and failures are variably weighted and can be intensified by her current mood. A nasty screw-up on the day when she is cranked at you can result in hundreds of negative points - withdrawals from the account. Get in the habit of regular deposits, multiple times daily. It pays off in the long run.

We are really looking forward to the exercise and conversations we'll be having in Vegas - hope to see you there.

Wisdom of Richard Rohr

I get a daily meditation for Richard Rohr that often rocks me. Here is today's - straight and simple:
"The male psyche is normally fragile and insecure because it is based on overwhelmingly external and transitory criteria, a game which almost all men eventually lose. The poor male has to look good and he has to defend the honor of his bank account, his family, his race, his country, but all in reference to himself! His question is not allowed to be 'Who am I - really?', but only 'How do I look?'"
"That is precisely the opposite path from any authentic spirituality. Thus it was males who alone needed 'initiation' in most indigenous cultures" and, says Rohr, it is the spiritually enlightened men who consciously walk the other way. They don't have to look good.

Fighting for Honor

The honor/shame struggle is central to the masculine experience. That we are always attempting to prove our honor and trustworthiness seems to be hard-wired into every male. Like abandonment is the central issue for women, honor and trust are critical to us men. And this is not new age 21st century revelation, mind you, it is as old as dirt.


Theologian Barbara Essex once wrote a book called Bad Boys of the Bible (curiously omitting Bad Boy, King David) wherein she documents how far back our problems go. From the earliest of times, the honorable/shameful story of men has been been the making of the best stories. Even in the first biblical story Adam blames Eve, and their son Cain kills his brother Abel. Hey, we're doomed and condemned from that point on. But consider the biblical stories of Jacob (his wanting the only woman in the bible actually labeled as shapely - Rachel - and ending up having 11 other kids with her less than bodacious sister Leah) and David who screws around with Bathsheba so he has to have her husband killed to "legitimately" have her as a wife: now these guys were... were... what? Normal men? Bad influences? Great leaders and fathers of nations?


But the message we, who have heard these stories in Sunday School or Yeshiva, took on was that we must be guilty and shameful. We have learned through the stories of time that we are skirt-chasers, corruptible, and less-than-honorable scoundrels. So we have to be more honorable for our wives (who read and heard the same stories) today. Bullshit!


You do not have to prove your honor! You do not have to prove your masculinity! You do not have to make amends for historical man's wrong-doings! You have only to be you, to do the best you can at that game and bring that to each encounter you have. No one can make you honorable by awarding you some trophy! You do not have to doubt your masculinity or your value in the world. It was given to you at your birth. You are a man, and all you ever have to do is bring that unique brand of manhood to the party. You are welcomed in my circle any time.


And given what those guys did, I don't look so bad after all.