Understanding Women

Sorry about the length on this one guys!

We have heard that there is a workshop coming to Boston for men called "Understanding Women." While it is led by a woman whose writing we deeply respect, we think that there are two fundamental problems inherent in addressing this topic and we would be remiss if we did not bring those to the attention of our fellow men in relationships.

First of all, addressing the topic of "understanding women" for men runs the risk of allowing men to think that problems that exist in their marriage are their woman's fault.  You see, men, at our very core, are problem solvers and try to solve every problem we see (read that as “out there”).  That translates into thinking that everything needs to be fixed.  When men take the focus of their being off of themselves (and please note that there is much to do in that arena and that men could and should spend a lifetime just working on becoming better men) they think that any problem in the relationship is a result of the different way of being of their emotion-based wife.  For men, all problems exist outside of our bodies and our being. We do not as, a class of humans, tend to be terrifically self aware except of our strength and power to overcome obstacles.

 We have heard and continually hear men saying that their wife is a bitch, their wife is emotional, their wife is (you fill in the blank).  And when they do that, they lose sight of the fact that they have a great deal to do with the genesis of that problem. Irrespective of our ability or inability to actually fathom the emotion-based logic of women, we are in danger of missing the point of all men's work; that the problems we perceive around us can only be addressed by having us focus on how we are showing up in the world. Our general approach as problem solvers is that we will try to muscle through and gain mastery of any problem we face.  And arming men with some information on how to understand women tempts them to think that they can master this aspect of their lives as well.

We are not saying that men should not do everything in their power to try to understand their women or women in general. But this first caution is simply that any such teaching must come wrapped in a package about how they (the men) are being or showing up in the relationship.  And based on what we know of men, both as men and as trainers and coaches of men, is that men frequently fail to be as introspective as they need to be in order to successfully work their side of the relationship equation.

The second half of the problem is that men and women just do not think alike and often their rationale or logic seems convoluted at best and often just incomprehensible.  Men have strived for centuries to understand women.  Most have given up.  And there is a reason why.  The mentality of men can’t fathom the mentality of women.  Women simply think differently than men.  And, as long as they do, understanding them will be nearly impossible to comprehend. 

As we said, men are problem solvers by nature.  If there is no gas in the car, you put gas in it.  If the faucet leaks, you fix it.  If the trash if full, you empty it.  Plain and simple. 

Everything women do are based on their current emotional state at that time.  If there is no gas in the car, she may be thinking that you don’t take care of her.  If the trash is full, it could lead her to feeling that she is not feeling appreciated.  Make sense?  Right!  It doesn’t make sense because our minds work differently than a woman’s.  In “A Married Man’s Survival Guide”, there is a chapter that talks about how her emotional state sets the tone in the relationship. 

Here is a small excerpt:

When a woman feels something, she will (must) persist in that

feeling until she is done; and you cannot “fix” that. Because her

emotional state is a roller coaster by its very nature, your relation-

ship will have its ups and downs. As much as you would like the

state of your marriage to be more like a boat ride on the lake, it is

not and will never be. Emotions simply do not have that quality—

e-motions are always in motion. Therefore, your life together will

be filled with surprises around every corner. Learn to monitor your

woman’s emotional state. It will serve you well to know her cycles

and moods—if for nothing else, to remind you that her emotions

don’t dictate yours.

For example, men cannot figure out how the following can happen.  Have you ever been in an argument with your woman when the phone rings?  It is her best friend on the other line.  She immediately changes her tone and emotion.  “Oh, hi Julie, it is so great to hear your voice.  How are you doing?  We should get together for coffee soon, I miss you so much!”

Then she hangs up the phone.  The tone changes.  Back to the argument.  How do they do that?  To men, that is physically and mentally impossible! 

We don’t purport that you don’t try to understand women.  If you put in the time and effort and really listen and “be” with your woman, you can learn things about her that can make a difference in your relationship.  But we would say that there is something even more important that you, as the man in the relationship should do.  It is to find and hold a “way of being” in the relationship.  This is also called holding a context.  At the last session of our “Married Man’s Survival Course” a couple of weeks ago, the class came up with ways that they have been in their marriage that have helped them. 

Committed

Protector

Provider

Kind & merciful

I’m fucking funny

No matter what just say yes

Everything’s going to be OK

I’m enough

You’re not my prisoner

I’m right here

I Love life

I cooperate willingly

Nothing’s a problem

I accept you just the way you are

This is fun

I am a lucky Man

Try living from one of those perspectives for a while.  The point is simple here:  No matter what happens in your relationship, no matter how she feels, no matter what is going on, if your “way of being” is present and strong, you will do fine and your relationship will thrive.  What’s more, when you focus on this, somehow (strangely) your wife appears to be less problematic.  Stop trying to fix your woman and do the work on being the way that generates safety, well-being and happiness in your wife.

Connecting the Dots

A good friend of mine suggested that I get in contact with another colleague in the New York area. Now, there are two ways one can react to this: 1. Who has the time? I don't know this guy from Adam and our paths may never cross. 2. You never know - maybe we have something in common and some good might come from the contact. Of course I belong to and am a card-carrying member of the second camp. So I called.

And the truth for me is always revealed as this is how the world works. I had a great conversation with another professional in my field who has similar interests, is approximately my age and in the meandering conversation revealed that he has been married to the same woman for the last 39 years. Well I couldn't resist asking all of those MMSG questions about how he has made it work and comparing that with the voices of the masters we had interviewed for the book - and of course learning whatever I could about his unique style and success formula.

But the really big truth I always find is that we men are really quite similar in how we approach relationships, how we see our wives - our women partners - and what we find are the little things that make for big successes in a committed relationship. It's not so much that "we all put our pants on one leg at a time" (though secretly, just to piss off the great pundit in the sky who coined that phrase, I sit down and shove both legs in simultaneously, and chuckle), it is that we share the same genetics, react to the same hormones, get schooled in the same traditions, and get slapped around by the same hierarchy that makes us so similar.

And now - thanks to my friend - this "we" contains one more man than it did a few hours ago. And that is what is important; that we grow in wisdom, one man at a time, one relationship at a time, one day at a time, and each successive day, the circle of men is larger. Oh, and by coincidence, he lives about a block away from our good friends who just moved to the City - so we are planning to get together on the next trip down! It's all about connecting the dots.

Lessons Learned

Today I competed in the elders' division of ATA Nationals. I had practiced and trained to the best of my ability but in the end, I did not place in either event I had entered. But I won in a lot of ways. I won because I met eight magnificent men who cared for their bodies despite their age. I met a man who is 68 and who can do a full side split. That same man had won the "Triple Crown" (three separate World Championships - forms, weapons and sparring - in the same year).

There were three other current World Champions in the ring with me. And they each taught me something. I learned that I am never too old. I learned to shut up about being old - it is a blessing to be alive each day no matter what your age. I learned that wanting and aspiring to something are not sufficient to make it happen. Everything worthwhile takes loads of dedication, training and practice.

I learned that there men out there that I can aspire to be like - who are role models for what it means to be a champion and an elder. And, ye, there was one man in the group who was still stuck in that first half of like "winning is the only thing" mentality. He didn't win either.

And I learned from my own experience as well. I learned that giving my best might not be enough to place, but I saw opportunities where I could grow and better my best. And I learned that I don't want to stop growing and improving. There is more out "there" for me to discover, more to give and more space to inhabit.

So I didn't win or place but I grew a big chunk of humility and that is really really important in the end. Thanks to the eight magnificent men!

Entering the Ring

I am an elder. At least that is what I would be classified as by virtue of my 62 years of age and because of the number of men I have mentored over the last decade or so. And as an elder I am not supposed to be doing what I am presently in the act of doing – entering into a combat. The distinction of elder usually is bestowed on those who, having completed the elements of the first half of life, are now busied with passing those lessons on to others. Intrinsic with that definition is the idea that one is done with the contests and conquests associated with the first half of the life journey. And yet, the reason I am writing this is that I am currently aboard an airplane headed out to engage in one more “first half” endeavor – to engage with other men my age in martial arts competition.

We are told that life is divided into two elements: the first half is focused on gathering and building, and the second more focused on giving and applying. I like Richard Rohr’s division. Rohr says that the first half is about building our container and the second half about using it, the first half concerns finding our purpose and then we must live into that in the remaining years of our life. So as young warriors we venture out into the world to conquer it and bring home our trophies and medals – signs of accomplishing our tasks. We define our space, build our container, as Rohr would say, by doing and winning. Then, having secured our place in the world, we move into a role of helping others from the wisdom of our contests, our failures and victories. Most importantly we teach from our scars and our wounds.

So why am I setting out once again to compete? Have I not won enough, accomplished enough, failed enough, been wounded enough? I dearly hope that those are not the reasons I am doing this. No. As I searched my inner wisdom for some answer, I saw only one thing: my son. I have a late life son (my other children are grown and married with kids of their own) who as a young teenager is perhaps looking at this elder man in wonder. He wonders how I can relate to him. He wonders what it would be like to have a young thirty-something father – to learn from, to model and even joust with. He, like all boys his age wants a hero, and that usually is their father. And that is why I am on this quest.

It’s not for me this time, no medals or trophies are needed anymore, not for me. And I really don’t think he needs me to bring one home for him. But to know that his dad, despite injuries and aching bones could one last time do what it takes to be in the ring, to even qualify, perhaps shows him some element of what a father hero is all about. I want to teach my son that it’s never too late to try. I want to teach him that giving your best may not result in the gold medal, it may not even be enough to place. But I want to teach him that there is something special and valuable in putting all you have into the quest, no matter what the outcome may be. I can tell him this as many times as I like, but it will never register as anything more than words. SO I am doing it to the best of my ability.

I have dropped 15 pounds in the last month. I have doubled up my practice sessions and over the next few days I will be training and practicing and preparing to be able to say that this one, this time, I gave everything I could in his honor. This one is for Jesse. This is so that you know, my son, that giving your best is all that it takes and is all anyone can ask of you – in scholastics, in athletics, in music, and art and in all of life. Give it your all, my son. This is for you.

The Hurt Puppy

Recently we had the great honor of having several women (accomplished, powerful and articulate women) come to the Married Man's Survival Course to serve as a panel for our men. Our intention was twofold: to confirm some of the many statements we make in the Guide about what women have told us regarding relationships, and to allow the men in the class to ask ANY question they had to some open and honest women who promised that they would do their very best to respond.

It was breathtaking, to say the least! The level of honesty of these women and the vulnerability they showed while responding to our men blew us away. But about three quarters through the session a man asked an impossible question - one really that most likely reflected his own relationship but which he asked in a generic way. "Why do our wives say such hurtful things when we are arguing?"

There was a pause as the women looked back and forth at each other, then one brave, beautiful soul spoke these words:

"I don't know what your wife feels, I can only speak about how I feel. When I am hurting all I can think of is that hurt. Trust me, I really don't think she is talking about you. She just hurts and that's all that can come out." Then she added, "A long time ago I had a puppy. it was the gentlest, sweetest dog I have ever had. But one day it got out into the street and was hit by a car. I ran out to get my dog and take care of her and as I gently picked her up, she bit me. I don't think it was me she was biting, I just think she was hurt and was protecting herself from further hurts. I am just like that puppy, and I don't want to be hurting any further!"

All the women nodded in agreement. And the men in the room knew what she meant.

Stephen Hawking Does't Understand

In a recent article in the British magazine Guardian, author Jean Edelstein reported on a conversation with Stephen Hawking (who many claim to be the smartest human alive) where the esteemed physicist claimed to be baffled by women. However he offered up a few analogies for dealing with women from his understanding of the universe.

In essence, Hawking says that just because we don't understand something that should not prevent us from exploring and trying to learn more. Black holes, once thought to destroy anything that came within its gravitational pull, may not be totally destructive. Women, Hawking said, are much like black holes. (Now I can really relate to that having been sucked into the vortex of many a woman's gravitational pull!) But, like black holes, they are not all dangerous and destructive! (Tell me more, Dr Hawking!)

One piece of advice I found particularly amusing was that Hawking said that watching porn on the internet to understand female sexuality is about as useful as reading an arctic geography textbook in order to understand multivariate calculus! Exactly! But the message here is that there is a way to study and understand calculus just as there is a way to study and understand your wife.

And that is the point I would listen to from this brilliant scientist. I really don't care what his experience with women is or isn't (as you may know Stephen Hawking suffers from ALS, and has been severely handicapped most of his life) but what this man has done is that he, almost single handedly, has pushed the outer limits of our understanding of the physical universe far beyond what we had ever known. He has dedicated his mind and his life to understanding the mysteries of science and the physical world. And in that maybe we can take a lesson.

Here is the challenge Hawking gives us as ones who don't quite understand the mystery of women: study your wife, engage her in dialogue, listen to her from a position of not-knowing and of wanting to understand - and dedicate your life and your mind to the discipline of learning what this magnificent and perfect person is with whom you have chosen to live your life.

Women and Diversity

It may come as news to some but diversity is not about equal opportunity among blacks and whites or women and men or whatever. The essence of diversity is that each person is unique and different and because of those differences every other person is called to embrace and accept them as one more piece of the puzzle of what it means to be human. For example, if I want to solve a particularly gnarly puzzle, it would not serve me very well to assemble a team of like-minded people to help me - we would just increase the probability that whatever error I currently suffer from will prevent the group of me's from solving it.

On the other hand if I assemble a group that has radically differing backgrounds, experiences, educational backgrounds, who have struggled with their own unique problems, our combined perspectives would far more likely contain the solution set required by the problem. An individual who is bound to a wheelchair has to exercise a level of creative planning on a daily basis (lest they hit a crack in the sidewalk and topple over and have to figure out how to get back up) that would exhaust you or me. A shorter person may go through life concerned for safety unlike one who is 6'3" and athletic. Anyone in any minority grouping (name it - it doesn't matter) must continually deal with rules enacted by those in power (i.e., the majority) and is not so much concerned about being treated the "same" but rather being recognized and praised for their difference. And diversity consciousness is all about enjoying the differences.

So what does this have to do with women and men in relationship? Everything! When we say that women are a mystery to us, neither of us are claiming ignorance. Rather we are recognizing that we are both males and have never had to deal with the issues of growing up female and what differences that might produce in our thinking. But we do not reject those differences. Like understanding diversity, we want those differences in our lives. We rejoice in those differences (I would not want to marry me!) and welcome them into our world.

Women and men are different, way different. Get over it! I am all for equality in pay or status of careers and so on, but I am not at all concerned about men acting like women (becoming feminized) or women acting like men. When and where we have our common human traits, of course we are the same and we should view that the same. But where women are not like men and where we men are not like women, let's stop trying to force equality.

Different is good. Much research (we quote a lot of it in the Guide) has shown what those differences are. What we are saying when we claim not to understand women is simply that we should never lay claim to fully understanding what it feels like to be a woman. Life is experienced differently by women, sex is experienced differently by women and men, and marriage itself is experienced differently. As a caucasian male born in the US it would be ludicrous to claim that I know and understand the plight of African women, or that I understand oneness as an Asian monk does. That is as chauvinistic as claiming to "understand" our wives. However like with diversity, that awareness is a mandate to seek out our women's perspective, to listen to their point of view, to embrace it as valid and truthful and to challenge the validity of our own thinking as "different."

Vive la difference!