I was helping my son study for his Latin quiz this morning and learned something very interesting. The root word viri, from which comes virile and virtue, is the Latin word for both man and hero.
So if you think about that for a minute, to be a man is to be both a virtuous hero and a virile stud! Are you? Are you virtuous; do you live according to your virtues, or do you sell out regularly? Are you being a hero for your wife or are you tired and whining all the time? Virility has no room for tired and whining! Let's step it up a notch today. Be a hero - it's what being a man really means.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Transforming Pain
Robert Bly says we carry all of our hurts and pains around in a big sack that gets heavier and bigger as we age. But what is it that we do with that pain. As men we are much better at doing that holding. Perhaps our female counterparts can hold on to pain and endure far longer that we males can. So at some point we face the issue of having to do something with the pain.
The only thing that we can really do with it though is transform it. We transform pain when we listen and learn from its message - its lesson. Each pain has some specific message - a value to teach; a line never to be crossed again; a door to be opened. And when we learn that lesson the pain is transformed into the teacher. It is no longer resident in us as a lesion or tumor. it has healed and transformed.
But the pain that we do not embrace and allow to transform us we will inevitably pass on to another. So as Richard Rohr always says pain is either transformed or transmitted. The choice is yours. Stop the cycle of violence - the pain do its work in you.
The only thing that we can really do with it though is transform it. We transform pain when we listen and learn from its message - its lesson. Each pain has some specific message - a value to teach; a line never to be crossed again; a door to be opened. And when we learn that lesson the pain is transformed into the teacher. It is no longer resident in us as a lesion or tumor. it has healed and transformed.
But the pain that we do not embrace and allow to transform us we will inevitably pass on to another. So as Richard Rohr always says pain is either transformed or transmitted. The choice is yours. Stop the cycle of violence - the pain do its work in you.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Marriage Jujitsu
In the martial arts we learn how to use the opponent's attack and movement toward us as the power to move him. Nowhere is that practiced better than in the form of jujitsu. If your adversary throws a punch at you, you learn to take his thrust and help it go further than he intended while side stepping it to avoid impact. In a sense you help him punch and then trip him on the way past! it is at the same time both powerful and totally effortless.
The marital arts could learn from these martial arts! You would do well to learn how to take your wife's attack and allow it, side step it and have it work to your advantage. But what might that look like? We are not talking about your wife physically attacking you however. But sometimes you do stupid and unthinking things that evoke her anger and rage.
Step 1. Acknowledge she's mad (angry, upset, hysterical, name the emotion - and for help see the post on November 8) and that from her perspective, she has every reason to be so. Acknowledging it means naming it back to her: "Wow, I see that I really pissed you off!"
Step 2. Assure her that you did not (and never do) intend to upset her.
Step 3. But let her know that you want to hear it all - like the full frontal attack (you are man enough to take it, so shut your mind up and stand in there). This can be a simple, "Tell me more" or "Tell me about it, I want to learn."
Step 4. Shut up and listen. This is the jujitsu part of it: you let her anger or tears or whatever run their course and wear her out. Once she's expressed the full gamut, there will be little combat left in her - she's made her point and you listened.
Step 5. Let her know you heard what she said. Don't let this get into a quiz but just assure her that you got the point and that you will give your level best not to do that again.
Now there are two exceptions to this (when she essentially wants you to violate your personal terms or what you stand for, or when you have violated some major ethical issue like had an affair) but we wont go into those here. The bottom line is to learn to practice martial arts in your marital relationships.
The marital arts could learn from these martial arts! You would do well to learn how to take your wife's attack and allow it, side step it and have it work to your advantage. But what might that look like? We are not talking about your wife physically attacking you however. But sometimes you do stupid and unthinking things that evoke her anger and rage.
Step 1. Acknowledge she's mad (angry, upset, hysterical, name the emotion - and for help see the post on November 8) and that from her perspective, she has every reason to be so. Acknowledging it means naming it back to her: "Wow, I see that I really pissed you off!"
Step 2. Assure her that you did not (and never do) intend to upset her.
Step 3. But let her know that you want to hear it all - like the full frontal attack (you are man enough to take it, so shut your mind up and stand in there). This can be a simple, "Tell me more" or "Tell me about it, I want to learn."
Step 4. Shut up and listen. This is the jujitsu part of it: you let her anger or tears or whatever run their course and wear her out. Once she's expressed the full gamut, there will be little combat left in her - she's made her point and you listened.
Step 5. Let her know you heard what she said. Don't let this get into a quiz but just assure her that you got the point and that you will give your level best not to do that again.
Now there are two exceptions to this (when she essentially wants you to violate your personal terms or what you stand for, or when you have violated some major ethical issue like had an affair) but we wont go into those here. The bottom line is to learn to practice martial arts in your marital relationships.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Quiet Despiration
"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation," Thoreau once wrote - and here is one. Veteran's Day I was making my coffee and saw the police coming down the street with blue lights on - and turning up the next street over. Right behind him were fire engines - way too many for that hour of the day. That's when I saw the smoke. It was already too late though.
Not for the house, though that was totalled, they were too late for the man inside. As the story unfolded, it turns out the couple had been having domestic problems, and I guess financial problems because the house was scheduled for foreclosure as well. I have to confess I don't even know their names - they always kept to themselves and the kids could not stop there on Halloween because they kept the lights out. Quiet desperation.
She left; he was alone. So he set the house on fire and then took his life. The note said something about this being an appropriate day being that he was a vet himself. Fifty three years old and done. Very quiet desperation. And I didn't even know him. None of us did.
Hey men, if you know of a man out there who is alone, maybe someone you even know but he's been down stairs for some time now, take this as a reminder that there are about a million ways men cry out for help only one of which is, "Hey help me! Please" The other 999,999 don't sound anything like that. Most of them make the inaudible noise of quiet desperation. Make a call. Drop by. Sit down beside him. But do something.
I know that this is supposed to be the Married Man's Survival Guide blog, but this is why we wrote the book, and why we do this work, and even then one slips away right under our noses.
Not for the house, though that was totalled, they were too late for the man inside. As the story unfolded, it turns out the couple had been having domestic problems, and I guess financial problems because the house was scheduled for foreclosure as well. I have to confess I don't even know their names - they always kept to themselves and the kids could not stop there on Halloween because they kept the lights out. Quiet desperation.
She left; he was alone. So he set the house on fire and then took his life. The note said something about this being an appropriate day being that he was a vet himself. Fifty three years old and done. Very quiet desperation. And I didn't even know him. None of us did.
Hey men, if you know of a man out there who is alone, maybe someone you even know but he's been down stairs for some time now, take this as a reminder that there are about a million ways men cry out for help only one of which is, "Hey help me! Please" The other 999,999 don't sound anything like that. Most of them make the inaudible noise of quiet desperation. Make a call. Drop by. Sit down beside him. But do something.
I know that this is supposed to be the Married Man's Survival Guide blog, but this is why we wrote the book, and why we do this work, and even then one slips away right under our noses.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Don't Remove the Arrow!
Shakespeare called them the "slings and arrows" but whatever you call them, the pains of living the masculine life can certainly feel like a direct arrow in the chest. I was working with a man who had been divorced and is now contemplating marriage to a chart-topping, classy woman. All was going well until he called me recently in agony and depression saying the arrow he'd taken in the divorce was just too painful. It was actually stopping him from proposing to this magnificent woman he knew he wanted to marry.
He said, "You're my mentor - help me take out the arrow. I can't get it out by myself!" But (and I am certain he didn't like my response at first) I said no. That is masculine wisdom. Men learn through our pain and what we learn are our values and our terms. Because the pain speaks loudly, in a sense, saying, "NO - I will never ever feel this pain again. I will never let this happen again." And that is the first step in driving the stake in the ground that says what your commitment is.
There is no legitimate "no" that is not the result of a committed "yes" to some principle or value. So if your pain is saying a loud "NO!" then there is a value that has been challenged; a line that has been crossed. That man lost - massively - when he did not hold his ground and let his values be compromised, and it cost him his first marriage (for better or for worse). And now that pain is what he needs to ensure that his commitment in this next marriage will be stronger than any circumstance or hiccup that can (and will) arise. "NO, I will not quit!" "NO, I will not get lazy in the relationship, because I will never allow that thing to happen to me again!" I told him that the pain is not what should stop him from proposing - it is the watchdog that will ensure that this will be an unstoppable marriage.
So a good mentor (I will claim that in this case) will not take out the arrow. A true mentor will help a man embrace and cherish the pain as his teacher. We do not learn any other way (sorry, I wish it were easy)! Wisdom is the ability to look through your pain and scars and find the lessons learned. Then turn around and teach another man - pass it forward.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Happiness and Choice in Marriage
There is a professor at Harvard by the name of Dan Gilbert who has done a huge amount of research on happiness and whose findings might shed some light on the issues of happiness in marriage. It is something that every married man should know and it goes something like this.
Gilbert reports on two studies that have direct correlation to committed marriage. In one study people were asked to rank order six Monet prints from most liked (1) to least liked (6). They then were told that as participants they could have one of the prints as a gift but unfortunately the researcher only had the 3rd and 4th ranked prints. Of course the people almost invariably picked the third over the fourth. That is not the interesting part. Some time later those same people were again asked to rank the same six prints, and guess what? Their formerly third ranked print came in among the top averaging a little better than second overall. Ad the formerly fourth ranked print fell lower in the pick averaging about fifth. Being stuck with what we think is average changes our perception of our liking of that choice over time. Hmmm!
Here is the second study: Students at Harvard were in a basic photography course where they were taught how to shoot good pictures and then after making a contact sheet of their best efforts were asked to pick their absolute best two. They were then taught all about developing and print-making to give their very best effort to creating two blow-ups of those pictures. Half were then told that they had to choose only one picture to keep and that the other was to be shipped off immediately to research headquarters in England never to be seen by them again. The other half were told that they had four days to reconsider their choice and could swap it out if they wished. The results were rather astounding. The unchangeable group, when surveyed in the short and over the long term, were extremely proud and happy with their picture, while those who had a choice when measured during the four days of consideration, shortly after their final choice point, and over the long haul showed increasing unhappiness and displeasure with their choice!
As an epilogue to his study Gilbert offered students a choice in photography courses in a recent semester; one course where they would have a reversible choice on the pictures they produced and the other where the choice would be final and irreversible. Not too surprisingly, over 66% of the students said that they would prefer to have a choice – or in Gilbert’s words, two thirds of us would prefer conditions in life that would make us miserable!
Translating these research studies to marriage we would contend that if and when you marry with a sense of finality and irreversibility, you actually are producing a greater possibility of happiness than if you hold that you could get divorced if it doesn’t work out. Furthermore, having made that choice, even in the face of the fact that there are other more attractive possibilities out there, the choosing increases the attractiveness of our life partner. How do you like them apples!
Gilbert reports on two studies that have direct correlation to committed marriage. In one study people were asked to rank order six Monet prints from most liked (1) to least liked (6). They then were told that as participants they could have one of the prints as a gift but unfortunately the researcher only had the 3rd and 4th ranked prints. Of course the people almost invariably picked the third over the fourth. That is not the interesting part. Some time later those same people were again asked to rank the same six prints, and guess what? Their formerly third ranked print came in among the top averaging a little better than second overall. Ad the formerly fourth ranked print fell lower in the pick averaging about fifth. Being stuck with what we think is average changes our perception of our liking of that choice over time. Hmmm!
Here is the second study: Students at Harvard were in a basic photography course where they were taught how to shoot good pictures and then after making a contact sheet of their best efforts were asked to pick their absolute best two. They were then taught all about developing and print-making to give their very best effort to creating two blow-ups of those pictures. Half were then told that they had to choose only one picture to keep and that the other was to be shipped off immediately to research headquarters in England never to be seen by them again. The other half were told that they had four days to reconsider their choice and could swap it out if they wished. The results were rather astounding. The unchangeable group, when surveyed in the short and over the long term, were extremely proud and happy with their picture, while those who had a choice when measured during the four days of consideration, shortly after their final choice point, and over the long haul showed increasing unhappiness and displeasure with their choice!
As an epilogue to his study Gilbert offered students a choice in photography courses in a recent semester; one course where they would have a reversible choice on the pictures they produced and the other where the choice would be final and irreversible. Not too surprisingly, over 66% of the students said that they would prefer to have a choice – or in Gilbert’s words, two thirds of us would prefer conditions in life that would make us miserable!
Translating these research studies to marriage we would contend that if and when you marry with a sense of finality and irreversibility, you actually are producing a greater possibility of happiness than if you hold that you could get divorced if it doesn’t work out. Furthermore, having made that choice, even in the face of the fact that there are other more attractive possibilities out there, the choosing increases the attractiveness of our life partner. How do you like them apples!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Love Her "For Free"
Years ago I read a short essay by Tom Robbins called something like "How to Make Love Stay" or something like that. Aside from some wild and crazy ideas of the sort we have included in the final section of our book (250 ways to keep your woman happy and make make her smile), his orientation to love and marriage relationships shows a similar orientation to ours. It is an ownership that places us (men) squarely in charge of ourselves - and no one else. In one quote I found from Robbins, he said, “We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.”
What can we do to create ourselves as "perfect love?" How would we become the man our wives would cheat on us for, as Wayne Levine, and Justin Sterling both call it? Well, first and foremost you need to build your strength (no, dude, not in the gym per se) in your guts and in your passion for how you serve the world. Know what your purpose is and live it daily. Then when you turn your attention to your wife, what she'll see is a man who gives (instead of taking, and needing and whining). Love can only thrive in a place where it has no demands made of it. And what you can do to ensure that is make sure you are complete and self-sustaining.
I love the way Robbins says it: “Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.”
Loving your wife for free is THE only way - and it is the ultimate way to keep love alive, well and succulent.
What can we do to create ourselves as "perfect love?" How would we become the man our wives would cheat on us for, as Wayne Levine, and Justin Sterling both call it? Well, first and foremost you need to build your strength (no, dude, not in the gym per se) in your guts and in your passion for how you serve the world. Know what your purpose is and live it daily. Then when you turn your attention to your wife, what she'll see is a man who gives (instead of taking, and needing and whining). Love can only thrive in a place where it has no demands made of it. And what you can do to ensure that is make sure you are complete and self-sustaining.
I love the way Robbins says it: “Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.”
Loving your wife for free is THE only way - and it is the ultimate way to keep love alive, well and succulent.
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