War of the Roses (Cheating)

I am a regular listener to Karson and Kennedy's "War of the Roses" bit on Thursday mornings on Boston's Mix 104.1 (http://mix1041.radio.com/ from whence I borrowed this image) where a man (sometimes) or woman (mostly) calls in suspecting their partner of cheating. Ms Kennedy then calls that person up and offers a dozen long stems to the person of choice and invariable the idiot blows it. It's sad, yet somehow has me listening. But we have a bit of advice to give would-be cheaters about having an affair straight out of the Married Man's Survival Guide.

Don’t—don’t go there! Period. End of sentence. Good-bye. ‘Nuff said.
Look, we understand that at times the woman you live with and have committed to sharing your life with, to growing old with, yeah her, that woman, can be a (check the appropriate bullet below):
Royal pain in the ass
Bitch
Holy horror
Major problem

But she is your pain/bitch/horror/problem. Furthermore, we recognize that the source of her being that way might not necessarily be you. So what? Deal with it. That is what marriage is all about—dealing with the issues. Hey, any fool can deal with the ideal woman who is never a problem. It doesn’t take skill to do that! But when she is too much to take, hanging in there takes real skill.
And having an affair because she has shut you out, or because she has become more problematic than you want to deal with, or because some young thing has winked at you will not only make matters worse, it will result in your now having two problems not one. So let’s lay down some basic rules concerning having an affair:

Rule #1—It is not a matter of IF she will ever find out, it is only a matter of WHEN she will find out! One of the basic differences between men and women is that men tend to show loyalty by withholding and protecting state secrets. We know we can trust a man when he repeatedly demonstrates that he is worthy of confidentiality by not talking to others about what happened. Women, on the other hand, establish trusting circles by sharing secrets. It is their way of including another at the most intimate and trusting level. (Remember the “stain” on Monica Lewinski’s dress? How do you think that story got out?) So, this being the case, that doe-eyed “understanding” woman you might consider spilling your guts with, and your seed in, will need to share her secret with others. It is only a matter of time until her circles of influence cross paths with your wife’s. So from the very beginning you better be aware of the fact—and it is a raw, cold, hard fact—that she will find out. At that point, you just might as well move on to the divorce chapter, because philandering is ample grounds for divorce in any state.

Rule #2—Comparisons kill! There is a law in optics called the “Mach band.” It refers to the illusion of contrast when, say, a sheet of white paper is next to a sheet of dark gray or black paper. Right at the edge, the contrast is heightened making the white look brighter and the gray or black look even darker black. Diverting your attention to any other woman than your wife will produce the same effect. Not only will the contrast seem heightened, but it will be generalized to the entire sheet of paper, which in this case is both your wife and your potential mistress. Those behaviors that were formerly only ancillary irritants (i.e., not the big problems) will take on heightened proportions and make her downright ugly. Your irritation will grow into anger and disgust. Every aspect of her; her breathing, her hygiene, her voice, her perfume, everything will become more irritating in contrast to this warm seductive body with whom you are now entertaining the notion of an affair. By contrast, the other woman will take on superlative qualities. She will suddenly develop runway model characteristics. She will become more radiant, more voluptuous, and more irresistible than you ever imagined. And you will suddenly be unable to control your inner desires.
Don’t be a fool—it is just the optics of the Mach band!

Rule #3—The Groucho Marx Club. Groucho was once quoted as saying that he “would not want to be a member of any club that would have [him] as a member.” Applied to the affair situation—now you have to follow this convoluted logic here—you are talking to a woman who: 1) knows you are married; 2) thinks that she might be able to seduce you away, and then subsequently; 3a) believes that you will never be unfaithful to her, so long as ye both shall live; or 3b) thinks that you are worthy of her love, having just been a philandering son-of-a-bitch to your wife! Does that strike you as logical and rational? If it does, we have some names of therapists in your area you may want to consult (actually any one will do!).

Take it from the masters (not us - but those masters whose wisdom we arepassing on) this is s dumbass idea from the get-go. It is far easier to do the work of relationships than to deal with the pain and cost of affairs and eventual divorce. 'Nuff said!

Success Breeds Success

We don't fight anymore. Well it doesn't feel light fighting or arguing anymore.

But man-o-man, it sure used to. When we were first married, my wife could say those four words ("We have to talk.") and a chill would run down my spine. It didn't feel like an invitation! And after failing a marriage before, I was certain that such discussions would lead to another divorce. But as much as I tried to scamper away, she would not let me hide.

So we argued and duked it out and solved the problem (gasp) yeah, we actually came to some kind of resolution. And gradually, one argument at a time, I learned that a couple can engage in an argument and come out the other side still in love. One at a time, we built a legacy of resolving issues - successfully - so that now, 20 years later, we have a significant pile of evidence that we can solve anything.

And I have learned a few things along the way:

1. "We have to talk" means I have not been listening to what is going on in her life and it's time to do that!
2. "What?" means I have an opportunity to rephrase what I just said!

3. "You (fill in the blank, as in you did this or that and I'm pissed/hurt)" means she is trying to tell me how she feels. In fact it is not about me; nothing she tells me about how she is feeling or how "I made her" feel has anything to do with me. She is just telling me how she feels.

4. Tears are a sign of strong emotions and I need to stick around and listen or ask more questions.

5. Silence is a sign of strong emotions that I need to wait for. It is best to let her be and assume that she will come around to discussing it later when she has sorted it out better.

But none of these is a cause anymore for me to run and hide or seek solace at the bar or in someone else. All of this and more show up as opportunities to build more successes. If there is anything at this point I am certain of, it's that nothing can kill us, that nothing is so big that we cannot handle it. (And don't even go down the path of "well what if you cheat on her?" because that is not gonna happen. This is a committed marriage and there is no room for that here.) When you put in the time to work on issues and resolve them, you don't think of escaping. I just know we can handle any issues, and why would I want to start that process all over with another woman? I have too much success built up to even think of trading that in. Success is quite an anchor!

Screwed for Life

A few weeks ago two teenage boys in New Jersey were convicted as sex offenders - a lifelong status they will never be rid of - for horsing around. The crime these two 14-year-olds committed was sitting, bare-butted on another kid's face. The were being 14 year old boys. And unless the appellate courts overturn the conviction, neither can become a teacher or a volunteer who comes anywhere near minors. Preschools and YMCAs will have to post their pictures in the lobby if they live withing three miles of the location, - and other such great punishments. Oh I suppose they might be able to become lawyers or politicians but basically for anything else they are screwed.
For life.
I am not saying what they did is right, nor am I claiming that the act would not have been humiliating or disgusting for the kid on the bottom (two years their junior). But what I will say is that it was not rape and it was not too far afield from what teen age boys have been doing for eons. Boys have been lighting farts, mooning school buses, comparing penis sizes and a whole host of other indescribable and unsavory actions since there have been boys on the planet. Again - it does not justify their actions. But do such actions warrant a life sentence?
I really want to go on a rant right here, but I am speechless. Our society has gone too far. Boys are labeled ADHD for their naturally high energy; boys are not permitted to struggle and fight (and learn that it hurts) so they never find out till it's too late; boys don't get to lose in games (everyone is a winner) so they have no concept of how to cope with and learn from their difficulties; and boys are seen as sexual predators. There was a recent case of a kindergarten boy who was expelled (from kindergarten) for what the teacher called sexual harassment (he hugged two girls). I constantly have to remind my 13 year old son that he needs to be very careful about what he says and how he jokes, least he be likewise charged and have his future ruined.
Enough already - it is not sinful to be a boy, stupid at times, but not a sin.

Busted at the World Cup

I love soccer - really! Like hockey and rugby, it's more about what happens between the goalposts than the run-up scores when the Brady Bunch humiliates the Bills. And the World Cup provides the best of the best in the world of soccer (football as the rest of the world refers to it).

So I was a little more than interested in the US Women's team road to the finals, and perhaps a little over confident when the final itself was versus Japan to whom they had never lost. It was a heartthrobber of a game, tied in the last few minutes by Japan to push it to overtime and then with only two minutes in overtime, tied again by Japan to force a shoot out. But I am not a sports writer; I am a man. and that is where I have to confess to something - I (along with most of the male sports fans who have ever seen a women's soccer match) am secretly in love with Hope Solo. Oh, she's good - really good! Her states are amazing and almost read like Tim Thomas of the Bruins. But Sunday's shootout was - well - not so great.

She was even gracious in defeat - she said she was "happy for Japan - they deserved it." You can't really get mad or feel upset at that, can you? But, here's the thing that seems obvious to me. I can't really get upset because I am still, after all my training and all these years, a sexist pig. I cut her slack because she is drop-dead gorgeous, powerful, agile and has a stunning smile. I don't do that with Brady - I don't care if he and Giselle play kissy-face in front of the cameras or if he models for Stetson cologne - he's a QB and that's is what he's paid for and why I am a fan. And he messes up some days - and I'm pissed.

Busted!

I am not pissed at Hope Solo. Maybe it's because I never played soccer competitively. Maybe it's because it's not really my home team. But most likely it's just because I am still a sexist. Damn it all - will I never get better?

Responsibilities in Relationships

When we talk to women (wives of our men friends) they seem to have a common complaint that they alone carry the burden of work surrounding their marriage relationships. Why, they ask us, don’t their husbands step up to the plate? Are their men lazy or just clueless?

Well, in a word, yes! Men have not been trained in the art and science of relationships and are generally not inclined to do so. However, we have strong evidence that those men who are in long-term successful relationships have learned and regularly use their relationship skills. But there is a qualification here: the relationship skills used by men are uniquely masculine and may not look like what their wives might call relating skills.
We find that men who have mastery in relationships do a couple things that their brothers don’t do as well.

First and foremost, men need to continue to work on themselves. We call it “doing the inner work” but it amounts to taking life seriously enough to keep sharp and ready. This could be refining their skills in a professional area or staying physically fit. It could be taking classes or doing fund-raising for a charity. Whatever they take on, however, they use it to make themselves better in the process.

Great men in relationship learn how to listen well in two distinct ways: They learn to listen without the knee-jerk reflex to fix something. They know that sometimes it is better to listen and sit with you than to rush off to find a hammer or wrench that will do the job. But what really distinguishes masters in relationship is that they learn how to listen to the issue behind what they are hearing. They learn how to hear the “why” behind “what” their wives may be saying. They become more intuitive in their listening.

And thirdly, relationship masters know that what got them into a relationship in the first place was how they were focusing their attention on the woman of their choice and never stop doing that. We find that a great way to frame that when we talk with men is to tell them that they have to continue to court their wives. But this has two effects: one, it gets them to think of silly, sometimes meaningless, little things that delight their wives, of course. But the more important thing that this does is that it keeps them focused at home. We find that men tend to be attracted to whatever they focus on – it that is their wives, they’re golden, but if it is model railroading or the cute bartender at the local pub, they are in danger! They will be attracted simply by virtue of their attentiveness.

A Married Man’s Survival Guide delves deeply into these and many, many more skills of relationship mastery that men can and do learn.

Who's Right - Who's Wrong?

There is a whole bunch of chatter in relationship circles about right and wrong; admitting when you are wrong; forgiving someone who is wrong; yadayada. So let's take that on for a second!

I could go way down a tunnel about how what you see is unique to you alone and how perhaps you may never really know the objective truth of any situation, but that is a big can of worms - nightcrawlers, in fact. I suppose if human interactions were seedlings or boards or something, we could objectively measure them and all agree that "the fact is... that it is 3.57mm tall." Whatever! But human interactions are cloudlike exchanges where words have mixed meanings for both the speaker and listener, and where the words themselves are just a loose approximation of what is actually going on inside the heads of those involved. It is really sloppy stuff!

Don't agree? Think of it this way: if you look up the word 'love' in the dictionary it says something like "a warm fuzzy feeling about a person or thing." But that (or any) definition comes nowhere near describing the length, breadth and depth of the feelings you have for your spouse or your children - yet we reduce it all to this little word "love." A few years ago, researchers at Harvard had same-culture pairs of people talk to each other for about 5 minutes and then transcribed those conversations. Leaving out the articles and prepositions, they asked the pairs each to define the words in their conversation. When they compared the definitions the researchers found that people had exact agreement on only 6% of the words - the other 94% they either slightly or greatly disagreed on. Where is the truth in that? Who is right when even the words we smile at and nod our heads to and follow along with mean different things to each of us?

So here is the simple truth: ascribing rightness/wrongness is a losing proposition. Someone has to be wrong (put your head down, admit it and say "I'm sorry.") if another is right. It is important in relationship to recognize that right/wrong has no place in a functional relationship. We need to learn a different set of phrases: You didn't hear what I meant. I had a different assumption about that. I didn't understand your feelings. I was too caught up in my own thing to hear you.

Being right is a child's game you learned when you were three or four, and perhaps it served you well through your school years. But being right is an immature attitude that needs to be outgrown in order to live in a healthy relationship. Get over your need to be right! Or go and be right on your crossword puzzle or in a science lab somewhere, and leave it there. Come back home in the maturity of accepting your spectacular differences (94% of the time!) and the juicy spaces in between. See what you can discover when no one needs to be right anymore.

Male Energy

In a few months I am going to Hawaii for a friend's wedding. And the groom asked that I do some kind of male ritual or initiation in lieu of a traditional bachelor party (we're beyond the point of strip clubs and getting too drunk to see). So I researched the island culture, checked in with a consultant friend who lives there and blended it with some of the traditions I have used in past ceremonies - cool!

But his fiancee wants everything to go just right (why shouldn't she?) and is worried that the men in her family who would come might not like it, might not want to come, might... (what? be typical men??) So I needed to explain some of what I have collected over the years on the nature of male energy and working with men. It goes like this:

Male energy is wild and smelly and chaotic. Period. End of story. Working with men is like riding a bucking bronco - the game is to stay on for the ride, not to look good. In fact anytime you try to control male energy or make it sit down and fold its hands on the desk and be a good little boy, male energy will either leave the room or outright die.

Working with men requires letting it flow from the collective masculine spirit present in the group. Often it doesn't look anything like what you planned - but those are the best sessions, and the best team meetings. Because they are raw and unbridled and totally present in the moment. We men wear our battle armor so much that it is rare for us to ever take it off, and the slightest hint of controlling has men reaching for their helmets and swords!

Oh sure I know where I am going and I will get the men there, but it will be with them and through their spirits and energies that we go - and I will lay money on it being a night to remember. And yes there may be a "man" who would rather sell his seat to be able to spend some cuddly time with a girlfriend than to be where we are (it's okay, I used the term man loosely as I think most likely his testicles are firmly in her grip!). It is one of the real filters in men's work - just the right men will show up and the ones who want to whine are better off not coming, thankfully. God, I love working with men!