One of the more significant changes in a marriage is the arrival of your little bundle of joy. For many men this signals the end of being the center of their wives' attention - as well it should be. Babies require not only a lot of attention, but are dependant on their moms for warmth and sustenance. But more importantly, a mother's experience seems best summed up in a saying I heard once: "The decision to have a child is to accept that forever your heart will walk around outside of your body" (K. Hadley).
Literally then the gestation and delivery of another life alters the entity formerly known as your wife. And while many men prepare in much the same way (I built something for each of my kids while they were cooking) it still is not the same, and bonding at birth and in early infancy only partially replicates what your wife has experienced. But this is not about her.
The shifting of focus that is experienced by many men is their fall from stardom. And the degree to which you are upset by that is the degree to which you had ascribed your self worth to your wife. This is extremely important to get - because percentage which you give away (ascribe to her) is then not available for you to bring to the marriage relationship. If you needed your wife to "make you whole" then you were not whole, and you were not giving her a complete and fully functioning husband. "Needing" your wife for your self definition is tantamount to always being needy.
Of course we all have "needs." But to burden your wife, or more accurately, your relationship with the task of providing for your needs is not only unfair, it is damaging. Recognizing your neediness and meeting those needs through your own resourcefulness, through direction your men's circle can provide, and through your spiritual connection with some source greater than you, is healthy and strengthening for the relationship.
The arrival of a baby is a miracle. But if you find yourself sulking in the corner thinking, "what about me?" then you would be well-served by looking inside and inspecting your neediness as a destructive burden on your marriage.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
What is Your Wisdom?
We have been interviewing men who have been married to the sam woman for over 25 years as part of our information gathering for the book we are writing (A Married Man's Survival Guide). But we need more information.
What is your experience? If you have some significant years under your belt, we'd like to hear from you. If you would be so kind as to commont on this blog, give us some ideas on how YOU answer the following three questions:
What is the secret of your success together as a couple?
Do you have any regular things that you do to keep the marriage alive and healthy? If so, can you give us an example?
How do you deal with each other’s upsets and arguments?
As committed married men, we need to learn from each other and share with each other's success. Thanks
What is your experience? If you have some significant years under your belt, we'd like to hear from you. If you would be so kind as to commont on this blog, give us some ideas on how YOU answer the following three questions:
What is the secret of your success together as a couple?
Do you have any regular things that you do to keep the marriage alive and healthy? If so, can you give us an example?
How do you deal with each other’s upsets and arguments?
As committed married men, we need to learn from each other and share with each other's success. Thanks
Friday, August 14, 2009
“Balanced” Masculinity
There is some popular mythology about men needing to “embrace” their femininity in order to be balanced in relationship. We would like to suggest an alternative interpretation. But before we get there, we might submit that the stuff about embracing your femininity is the residual of the feminist movement of the 60’s and 70’s. During that time, as women took the stage and claimed their rights to be humans of equal stature to their male counterparts (and every bit of that is absolutely right on), it became more than unfashionable to be masculine. It became evil and wrong, and as a result men had to become feminized. Those who refused or couldn’t become sensitive new-aged guys, were labeled Neanderthals and Cretans. I remember learning that I must sit (I am too tall and therefore by my very being, I was seen as domineering) when I spoke to/with women.
But there is something missing in this discussion. We humans were made male and female by our maker (or by grand design or whatever you want to believe). We are males, through and through, and we do not have to pretend for a moment that we have some feminine aspects in order to be balanced and a healthy member of this relationship. The proof is right in front of you. Take a look at your genitals. There are two elements to male sexuality: one – the one we tend to over balance toward – is protruding, up and hard. In its essence, the penis is the “definition” of what we think it means to be male. You are designed as a heat-seeking missile, to seek out and thrust into the world around you. This element is strong and hard and powerful. BUT, there is another part to your genitalia – just below the power unit is a soft sac containing your most vulnerable element – the testes. Your testicles are the source of all creativity – the source of life (perhaps our female counterparts want us to forget that fact since they carry the resultant effect of our life-creating element). But they are quite soft, tender and in need of protection.
However we forget that we have this tenderness as well – until and unless we get a kick in the groin! Any of you who have had that life-altering experience know the sick-in-the-gut feeling of not taking care to protect your vulnerability. So you need to remember this – and it is the source of your ability to gain balance as a man. You are hard AND soft, giving AND receiving, penetrating AND able to be deeply wounded. Balanced masculinity is both and you need to know that in order to bring all of you into the relationship. Too much “dick” and you become a violent conqueror; a rapist loose in the world. You will seek and destroy. The balance our testicles remind us of is non-violence and peace seeking/peace making. But if we are all “nuts,” we appear to be effeminate and passive. You must be both in order to manifest your true masculinity in your relationship.
But there is something missing in this discussion. We humans were made male and female by our maker (or by grand design or whatever you want to believe). We are males, through and through, and we do not have to pretend for a moment that we have some feminine aspects in order to be balanced and a healthy member of this relationship. The proof is right in front of you. Take a look at your genitals. There are two elements to male sexuality: one – the one we tend to over balance toward – is protruding, up and hard. In its essence, the penis is the “definition” of what we think it means to be male. You are designed as a heat-seeking missile, to seek out and thrust into the world around you. This element is strong and hard and powerful. BUT, there is another part to your genitalia – just below the power unit is a soft sac containing your most vulnerable element – the testes. Your testicles are the source of all creativity – the source of life (perhaps our female counterparts want us to forget that fact since they carry the resultant effect of our life-creating element). But they are quite soft, tender and in need of protection.
However we forget that we have this tenderness as well – until and unless we get a kick in the groin! Any of you who have had that life-altering experience know the sick-in-the-gut feeling of not taking care to protect your vulnerability. So you need to remember this – and it is the source of your ability to gain balance as a man. You are hard AND soft, giving AND receiving, penetrating AND able to be deeply wounded. Balanced masculinity is both and you need to know that in order to bring all of you into the relationship. Too much “dick” and you become a violent conqueror; a rapist loose in the world. You will seek and destroy. The balance our testicles remind us of is non-violence and peace seeking/peace making. But if we are all “nuts,” we appear to be effeminate and passive. You must be both in order to manifest your true masculinity in your relationship.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Sun Tzu and The Art of War (part 5)
You may wonder why we chose to write about the “art of war” in this a blog on relationship success. The simple truth is that men can relate to warring and battles. In addition, we need to recognize that for over 2,500 years Sun Tzu’s The Art of War has stood as one of the most circulated and universally used piece of “relationship” wisdom on the planet. This is the fifth and final entry in a series of postings based on Master Sun’s craft of engaging with others for successful resolution of conflicts.
Fa (managing execution). Fa, pronounced like the first sound in ‘follow-through,” is the final critical component of the art of relationship (or the Art of War). Managing the execution is essential in managing her understanding of who you really are. If you say “sure, I’ll take out the trash,” then by all means do it – now – not later. Be your words! She will know what you really are by what you do not by what you say. We always tell our men, if you want to know what a man really believes look at where his feet are! Don’t tell me that your family is important if you are continually at the office at 7 an 8 every night!
This means knowing what your priorities are and acting accordingly. Fa is all about taking the right action. An old Chinese proverb says, “Many a man’s house has burned to the ground while the owner chased after the arsonist!” Who cares who is to blame. Act and follow through on your actions and commitments. Do everything you do all the way to the end, completing the task. How many half finished projects are cluttering up your house and your relationship? How many promises have you not fulfilled? It may be time to sit down and make a list, committing to knock of one thing each week.
Fa (managing execution). Fa, pronounced like the first sound in ‘follow-through,” is the final critical component of the art of relationship (or the Art of War). Managing the execution is essential in managing her understanding of who you really are. If you say “sure, I’ll take out the trash,” then by all means do it – now – not later. Be your words! She will know what you really are by what you do not by what you say. We always tell our men, if you want to know what a man really believes look at where his feet are! Don’t tell me that your family is important if you are continually at the office at 7 an 8 every night!
This means knowing what your priorities are and acting accordingly. Fa is all about taking the right action. An old Chinese proverb says, “Many a man’s house has burned to the ground while the owner chased after the arsonist!” Who cares who is to blame. Act and follow through on your actions and commitments. Do everything you do all the way to the end, completing the task. How many half finished projects are cluttering up your house and your relationship? How many promises have you not fulfilled? It may be time to sit down and make a list, committing to knock of one thing each week.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
The Art of War (part 4)
You may wonder why we chose to write about the “art of war” in this a blog on relationship success. The simple truth is that men can relate to warring and battles. In addition, we need to recognize that for over 2,500 years Sun Tzu’s The Art of War has stood as one of the most circulated and universally used piece of “relationship” wisdom on the planet. This is the fourth in a series of postings based on Master Sun’s craft of engaging with others for successful resolution of conflicts.
Jing. One of the most referred-to and yet misunderstood of Master Sun’s principles is Jing or Leadership. How well are you leading in this relationship? Believe it of not, your wife wants your leadership – she really wants to know where you want to take it, so that she will be able to work her relationship magic in making it happen. However this is not an invitation to have it your way. In Sun Tzu’s world a leader was the one who lead through the will of the people. As his contemporary, simply referred to as the Old Man (the literal translation of Lao Tzu, the author of the Tao de Ching) said, “the greatest leader is the one of whom the people said, ‘we did it ourselves.’”
Sun Tzu says that a leader must be wise, trustful, benevolent, courageous and disciplined. That’s a tall order. You need to step up to the plate in leading this family, but it is not a matter of authoritative leadership, just as much as it is not a suggestion to lead by example. It is the way in which you decide, the evidence that you are always moving from and for the common good of the family that will give her a sense of your leadership. Take the lead, and take it clearly and powerfully, but take it with all humility and generosity you can muster. It may be better not to take the lead than to barge ahead unthinkingly, or to make a waffling decision. And in all of your leadership, you must be disciplined; a state that requires your constant training and shaping of your will and your being.
Jing. One of the most referred-to and yet misunderstood of Master Sun’s principles is Jing or Leadership. How well are you leading in this relationship? Believe it of not, your wife wants your leadership – she really wants to know where you want to take it, so that she will be able to work her relationship magic in making it happen. However this is not an invitation to have it your way. In Sun Tzu’s world a leader was the one who lead through the will of the people. As his contemporary, simply referred to as the Old Man (the literal translation of Lao Tzu, the author of the Tao de Ching) said, “the greatest leader is the one of whom the people said, ‘we did it ourselves.’”
Sun Tzu says that a leader must be wise, trustful, benevolent, courageous and disciplined. That’s a tall order. You need to step up to the plate in leading this family, but it is not a matter of authoritative leadership, just as much as it is not a suggestion to lead by example. It is the way in which you decide, the evidence that you are always moving from and for the common good of the family that will give her a sense of your leadership. Take the lead, and take it clearly and powerfully, but take it with all humility and generosity you can muster. It may be better not to take the lead than to barge ahead unthinkingly, or to make a waffling decision. And in all of your leadership, you must be disciplined; a state that requires your constant training and shaping of your will and your being.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Sun Tzu and The Art of War (part 3)
You may wonder why we chose to write about the “art of war” in this a blog on relationship success. The simple truth is that men can relate to warring and battles. In addition, we need to recognize that for over 2,500 years Sun Tzu’s The Art of War has stood as one of the most circulated and universally used piece of “relationship” wisdom on the planet. This is the third in a series of postings based on Master Sun’s craft of engaging with others for successful resolution of conflicts.
Di. The concept of Di (pronounced as dee) has to do with your resources. What personal and physical resources do you have at your disposal? Think of these as the tools in your toolbox. Some of you may be supremely articulate and capable of running circles around your wife in any battle of wits. Some of you are skilled with your hands or in physicality. Remember that each of these can and will be at times either assets or liabilities. Sun Tzu always pointed out that our goal is to be aware of that and turn our liabilities into assets.
But by resources, Sun also was referring to location and the lay of the land; prime considerations in planning battles. Do you have arguments in your bedroom or bathroom? Where is the neutral location in your home so that your wife does not feel trapped when “attacked” by you? It is as important to consider her sense of the location as well. If your objective is to subdue the enemy, that is one thing but if your righteous objective is sustaining the relationship, then be aware of the “lay of the land” when you choose to engage with her. Sometimes a surprise (amorous) attack in the kitchen produces a surprising result, and sometimes suggesting the use of some “toy,” hours into a passionate love-making session can instantly deflate her desire. Like Tien (timing), our resources are essential tools for success when used judiciously and in the proper fashion.
Di. The concept of Di (pronounced as dee) has to do with your resources. What personal and physical resources do you have at your disposal? Think of these as the tools in your toolbox. Some of you may be supremely articulate and capable of running circles around your wife in any battle of wits. Some of you are skilled with your hands or in physicality. Remember that each of these can and will be at times either assets or liabilities. Sun Tzu always pointed out that our goal is to be aware of that and turn our liabilities into assets.
But by resources, Sun also was referring to location and the lay of the land; prime considerations in planning battles. Do you have arguments in your bedroom or bathroom? Where is the neutral location in your home so that your wife does not feel trapped when “attacked” by you? It is as important to consider her sense of the location as well. If your objective is to subdue the enemy, that is one thing but if your righteous objective is sustaining the relationship, then be aware of the “lay of the land” when you choose to engage with her. Sometimes a surprise (amorous) attack in the kitchen produces a surprising result, and sometimes suggesting the use of some “toy,” hours into a passionate love-making session can instantly deflate her desire. Like Tien (timing), our resources are essential tools for success when used judiciously and in the proper fashion.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
The Art of War (part 2)
You may wonder why we chose to write about the “art of war” in this a blog on relationship success. The simple truth is that men can relate to warring and battles. In addition, we need to recognize that for over 2,500 years Sun Tzu’s The Art of War has stood as one of the most circulated and universally used piece of “relationship” wisdom on the planet. This is the second in a series of postings based on Master Sun’s craft of engaging with others for successful resolution of conflicts.
Tien. Timing, they say is everything. Or to quote Ecclesiastes, “To everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven.” In relationship, as in battle, timing makes all the difference between success and failure; between winning and losing. Master Sun taught that there are two kinds of tien, personal timing, and universal timing. Personal timing is your agenda – the idea that certain things should happen in a certain order or by a certain time in your life, or it is unacceptable. But universal timing is the natural rhythm and flow of all things. Sun Tzu says the goal is always to align your time to/with universal time and to be in harmony with the flow. If you are exerting effort in making your case or in pushing a cause, most likely you are out of sync with universal time.
In relationship this means that you need to exercise judgment when engaging with your spouse. There may be a particular issue you do need to bring up but knowing when to “pop the question” is critical. As always our egos can suck us into something that is best left to another time. You may have to ripen your thoughts before they are ready to harvest and other times you may want to just plant the seed for something to grow that may not even be ready in months. Sometimes it may be best in a heated discussion to lay out an idea but, allowing it time to peculate, not drive for the “close” at that time. Timing is everything.
Tien. Timing, they say is everything. Or to quote Ecclesiastes, “To everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven.” In relationship, as in battle, timing makes all the difference between success and failure; between winning and losing. Master Sun taught that there are two kinds of tien, personal timing, and universal timing. Personal timing is your agenda – the idea that certain things should happen in a certain order or by a certain time in your life, or it is unacceptable. But universal timing is the natural rhythm and flow of all things. Sun Tzu says the goal is always to align your time to/with universal time and to be in harmony with the flow. If you are exerting effort in making your case or in pushing a cause, most likely you are out of sync with universal time.
In relationship this means that you need to exercise judgment when engaging with your spouse. There may be a particular issue you do need to bring up but knowing when to “pop the question” is critical. As always our egos can suck us into something that is best left to another time. You may have to ripen your thoughts before they are ready to harvest and other times you may want to just plant the seed for something to grow that may not even be ready in months. Sometimes it may be best in a heated discussion to lay out an idea but, allowing it time to peculate, not drive for the “close” at that time. Timing is everything.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Sun Tzu and The Art of War
You may wonder why we chose to write about the “art of war” if this a blog on relationship success. The simple truth is that men can relate to warring and battles. In addition, we need to recognize that for over 2,500 years The Art of War has stood as one of the most circulated and universally used pieces of “relationship” wisdom on the planet. We would wager that you could go into the sales office of any major corporation in the country and find at least one copy of Master Sun’s wisdom on the shelf there. But the bottom line for us is that Sun Tzu was a master of the craft of engaging with others for the successful resolution of conflicts that had arisen between two people, two factions or two nations.
Master Sun laid out five principles in mastering these conflicts, which we will write about over the next several entries. They were: 1. Tao (righteousness or ethics), 2. Tien (timing), 3. Di (resources including location), 4. Jiang (leadership), and , 5. Fa (execution and follow-through). As a man in relationship, you would be well-advised to listen to the wisdom of this ancient master. Applied to the art of relating to your wife and winning the long-term engagement of marriage, there is much from which we could benefit.
Tao. The first and foremost principle of winning concerns righteousness, morals and ethics. You must always - in all aspects of your relationship with our wife - operate from a well-founded code of ethics. Ask yourself if you have a Code of Honor or a clearly defined set of moral principles at your foundation. If you cannot recite them – it is most likely that you do not. It is not sufficient to “think” that you have a moral underpinning. You need to know them, memorize them and act only from that base. The word Tao roughly translates in English as “the way.” It is used to refer to the way of heaven, the way of the universe and the nature of all things.
Embedded within this concept is a sense of the ultimate wholeness or oneness of all things. In Tao are both male and female, right and wrong, good and bad, real and imaginary. These things are inextricable from each other. There cannot be maleness without femininity. A good choice on one day may be wrong on another – both are contained in each other. It is for that reason that Sun Tzu built his leadership principles on the requirement of a strong moral ethic. He understood that this principle demanded that the leader inspect the current action in the context of the ultimate outcome. In your marriage, and in each encounter with your woman, you are challenged to ask yourself, “How righteous is my objective?” Is your action being driven by your ego or by your neediness? If so, just check it at the door when you come home – it has no place in your relationship.
Master Sun laid out five principles in mastering these conflicts, which we will write about over the next several entries. They were: 1. Tao (righteousness or ethics), 2. Tien (timing), 3. Di (resources including location), 4. Jiang (leadership), and , 5. Fa (execution and follow-through). As a man in relationship, you would be well-advised to listen to the wisdom of this ancient master. Applied to the art of relating to your wife and winning the long-term engagement of marriage, there is much from which we could benefit.
Tao. The first and foremost principle of winning concerns righteousness, morals and ethics. You must always - in all aspects of your relationship with our wife - operate from a well-founded code of ethics. Ask yourself if you have a Code of Honor or a clearly defined set of moral principles at your foundation. If you cannot recite them – it is most likely that you do not. It is not sufficient to “think” that you have a moral underpinning. You need to know them, memorize them and act only from that base. The word Tao roughly translates in English as “the way.” It is used to refer to the way of heaven, the way of the universe and the nature of all things.
Embedded within this concept is a sense of the ultimate wholeness or oneness of all things. In Tao are both male and female, right and wrong, good and bad, real and imaginary. These things are inextricable from each other. There cannot be maleness without femininity. A good choice on one day may be wrong on another – both are contained in each other. It is for that reason that Sun Tzu built his leadership principles on the requirement of a strong moral ethic. He understood that this principle demanded that the leader inspect the current action in the context of the ultimate outcome. In your marriage, and in each encounter with your woman, you are challenged to ask yourself, “How righteous is my objective?” Is your action being driven by your ego or by your neediness? If so, just check it at the door when you come home – it has no place in your relationship.
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