Who Was HE?

Monday the sports world lost big time.  One of the granddaddies of modern sports, and unspoiled for over a century, the 117th running of the Boston Marathon was brutally attacked.  And I am fairly certain when and if the perpetrator of this sick crime is found out, it will be a man.

As a man who works to improve the state and reputation of masculinity, that cuts even deeper than the pain of losing something so special (I have personally run the Boston Marathon 4 times, and my family would wait to cheer me not very many feet away from where the second bomb went off - See http://pastorbecca.wordpress.com/2013/04/16/from-heartbreak-hill-to-heartbreak/).  It is almost not even a question whether or not a man did it - it is just assumed.  We are the violent ones.

But we aren't just that! I often tell men that if they want to understand the fullness of masculinity they need look no further than between their legs.  Part of our apparatus is hard, and aggressive, and that part can be hurtful as well as the source of pleasure for our partners.  But the other part of our masculinity is soft and quite fragile (if you have ever gotten a kick in the nuts, you know how fragile they are).  That part of us must be protected.  That part of us is the source of our life-giving, life-creating gift.

We often, as men, say to each other, "Grab your balls, and do it!" as a way to communicate the sentiment of getting tough.  But I think we have it backwards.  We need to grab those puppies as a way to remember that we have a soft underbelly, that we are vulnerable to attack and that we (and our species) need to be protected.

Yea, a man probably did that - a man that had no balls! He had no sensitivity for others or for himself. He had no compassion for the human race and, in fact, assembled his weapon for maximum pain and carnage. I have a difficulty containing my rage for that man, but I know that violence only breeds more violence.  The only way to heal this is through love and compassion.

So, brothers, grab your balls, and squeeze tightly.  Remember how fragile you and your life are. Remember your capacity to create and sustain life. We have to show up bigger and stronger than he did.  It is the only way.

A Man-Sized Issue

I joined in recently in an on-line discussion of the gun control diatribe (masquerading as dialogue). It wasn’t really a dialogue at all – just a bunch of angry, self-righteous men haranguing each other for the audacity to hold fast to a belief other than their own. So-called pacifists screaming (as best they can over internet type) at staunch defenders of the Second Amendment right to have a gun of their choice to defend their family and property; and the latter’s expletive-laden vitriol about how he will either kill or go to jail to defend that right.

That is not dialogue, and it is one of three main problems that lie at the source of this breakdown. The first problem is that there can no longer be dialogue.  We have lost the ability to discuss and dialogue with each other; unless of course you agree with absolutely everything I say, in which case, I contend, it is not dialogue. True dialogue is an exchange of ideals wherein listening occurs and through which both parties are changed. Dialogue is a creative resolution starting with opposing or differing points of view that results in a new, previously impossible (or improbable) thought. It cannot be reached when both parties start from the absolute point of view that I am right and you are dead wrong, and operate from a fundamental dualistic logic.  Right/wrong dualism renders anything the other person says automatically wrong and therefore not-listened-to. Where is the dialogue in that? So as a result, congress and my Facebook friends simply engage in angry positioning and demeaning name-calling.

But that is only one part of it.  The second source problem within the gun-control diatribe is that we have evolved into a state where we expect laws, legislation and other people to do the hard work or moral decision-making and critical thinking for us. It takes a ton of developmental work to build the capacity to think critically and in a fully mature way about such complex issues as justice, gun-control, global warming, sexual ethics, reproductive rights and human dignity (to name a few). These and other issues like them as immensely complex dilemmas that have no single or simple solutions. Yet as a society we want the simple solution; we want the silver bullet; we want washboard abs with only 15 seconds of exercise a day. 

Thirdly, we have de-evolved into a society who expects that if something is wrong, we can just take a pill to fix it, and that just is not the way things happen. And within that, we hold the expectation that someone else will do it for us. Dear brothers, it is not up to someone else (be that chemistry and pharmaceuticals or law-makers and their polity) to solve our problems for us. These are ours and we need to take ownership and responsibility for the issues we have. Having a law that polices how guns are sold (we have one), or requiring background checks, or magazine sizes will not solve the problem of accountability and responsibility.

 

So the long and short of it is that there is a way out or through this fiasco, but it will take a huge amount of work. First and foremost, we need to take full responsibility not only for the creation of a solution but for the control and use of any firearms out there. In a way the platitude that “guns don’t kill; people do” is right. But until every person who owns or sells, or touches weapons of any sort (let’s throw crossbows and bows and other forms of weaponry in there) takes full accountability of how each weapon is responsibly used, we will continue to have the problem of weapons getting into “the wrong hands.” We need to develop the lost skill of critical thinking to begin to address complex problems and complex solutions in a more mature and rational way.  But above all, we need to re-learn the art of true dialogue.  That is a tall order, but the consequences of ignoring the source issues are too costly; innocent children’s lives being snuffed out before they have even begun to live; malls and theatres becoming unsafe places to go; and young men thinking that the resolution of an argument is drawing and firing some sexy weapon. And  face it, while some women own and sell firearms, predominantly this is a men's issue! When the statistics are frightening enough perhaps the work will be done.