But man-o-man, it sure used to. When we were first married, my wife could say those four words ("We have to talk.") and a chill would run down my spine. It didn't feel like an invitation! And after failing a marriage before, I was certain that such discussions would lead to another divorce. But as much as I tried to scamper away, she would not let me hide.
So we argued and duked it out and solved the problem (gasp) yeah, we actually came to some kind of resolution. And gradually, one argument at a time, I learned that a couple can engage in an argument and come out the other side still in love. One at a time, we built a legacy of resolving issues - successfully - so that now, 20 years later, we have a significant pile of evidence that we can solve anything.
And I have learned a few things along the way:
1. "We have to talk" means I have not been listening to what is going on in her life and it's time to do that!
2. "What?" means I have an opportunity to rephrase what I just said!
2. "What?" means I have an opportunity to rephrase what I just said!
3. "You (fill in the blank, as in you did this or that and I'm pissed/hurt)" means she is trying to tell me how she feels. In fact it is not about me; nothing she tells me about how she is feeling or how "I made her" feel has anything to do with me. She is just telling me how she feels.
4. Tears are a sign of strong emotions and I need to stick around and listen or ask more questions.
5. Silence is a sign of strong emotions that I need to wait for. It is best to let her be and assume that she will come around to discussing it later when she has sorted it out better.
But none of these is a cause anymore for me to run and hide or seek solace at the bar or in someone else. All of this and more show up as opportunities to build more successes. If there is anything at this point I am certain of, it's that nothing can kill us, that nothing is so big that we cannot handle it. (And don't even go down the path of "well what if you cheat on her?" because that is not gonna happen. This is a committed marriage and there is no room for that here.) When you put in the time to work on issues and resolve them, you don't think of escaping. I just know we can handle any issues, and why would I want to start that process all over with another woman? I have too much success built up to even think of trading that in. Success is quite an anchor!
