What Men Might Want for Gifts (Advice for WOMEN!)

Well come over here young lady and sit on Santy’s lap. What’s that you say; you want to know what men want for the Holidays? Well, well, let me think…

While we are, on many levels fairly simple as men, men tend to be a little difficult to figure out when it comes to gift giving. You see, I believe what my friend Justin says about men is pretty true: it’s not that most men just don’t like to shop, it's just that most men don’t know what they would want beyond the four or five big toys they could name. After that they pretty much don’t care. They might just as well give their money over to their wife or buy their kids something cool. So assuming you are not in the market for one of his “big five” trophies, what can you do? The following, though not specific as to the items themselves, is our advice for gift-giving. There are no guarantees that your man’s gift is listed below or that he fits any of the categories, but we think we may have covered some of the bases.

Give the gift that keeps on giving. Utility is a high value for men so a gift’s usefulness carries a high regenerative point yield. Each time he uses your gift it feels good (it scores points). He may forget where or from whom the gift came, but the happiness it generates lives on well beyond the appearance of paint stains, scratches and dings the gift might garner over time. Like a good championship sweatshirt that imbues the wearer with that same high he felt at the final buzzer, the final out, or the last whistle, a highly usable tool, ladder, shopvac or belt sander lives on and on. Try tools like the standard fare (box wrenches, new screwdrivers – both kinds) or electrical gadgets like sanders that get in the corner, or a Dremel kit, which any man would love but never buy out of need. As for the ultimate man-tool, a sawsall wins, hands down (ask around for the best brands but we like Makita)!

Let’s get the clothing thing out of the way- OK? Look, unless your guy is in one of those few remaining professions where he has to dress up (banker, lawyer, clothing salesman), clothing pretty much follows the utility rule. Socks and underwear are purchased when their predecessors wear through. But holes do not mean “worn out,” they are a sign of love! Jeans, sweats, tees and flannel shirts can be purchased, but they will often find their place in the bottom of the drawer or the back hanger in the closet until the “loved one” falls apart, and then, your man is likely to forget that the gift was waiting at the bottom, and zoom out to the nearest WalMart to get a new replacement whatever. Don’t get attached to results from clothing gifts – you’re not likely to get a “gee, honey, it’s just what I wanted!”

The thing he would never think of. Before I start, let me just say that the words male, spa and facial, have, to the best of our knowledge, never been found in the same sentence. So don’t even go there. But a survey of the men came up with a soup-to-nuts scatter gram of items that might map out some options for you. Check these out as examples of way-out gifts: A nicely hand-carved walking stick; a rare crystal, polished nautilus or fossil mounted and framed; a portable GPS; an iPhone (like who wouldn’t love one); a book of 1001 places to see before you die (many versions like geological wonders, best places, natural wonders, etc) – I recently got one of those and, with it and my Google Earth, I can Walter Mitty myself into oblivion!

Mistletoe schmistletoe. Hey, let’s face it, any occasion can be dressed up as an opportunity for romance (male translation: eroticism). It is one of the main differences between your gender and ours, you know. We are “on” at all times. The function of testosterone can result in our looking at an angel and thinking “hey, she’s pretty cute!” So aside from the Pagan tradition of hanging Mistletoe on the doorway, why not try dressing something else up – you – like really dressing up. Do you know that we love to see you dressed up too? A well-spent hundred on a low-cut evening gown, a velveteen skirt and silk blouse in holiday colors, make up and perfume IS actually a wonderful gift for us. Place a bow on your wrist and wait under the tree!

It may be rare for a man to say “do you know what I want for Christmas/Hanukah?” Most men we know, when faced with a want, are programmed to go out and get it - immediately. As a result we don’t walk around with a handy “wish list” – sorry! So we weren’t able to get much to help you. But if you want to know the truth, it is this: This is the season of intention. What matters is not what you give, it is simply that you give and particularly how you give. Heck, you could give us a rock, but if you did it with love and gratitude we would probably place it on the mantle right next to our most valued trophy and cherished treasure. What’s that thing they say? It’s the thought that counts! Happy Holidays!

The 10 Great Non-Truths About Marriage Success

These aren't outright lies - they just are not true, and believing them to be true misleads us.

1. Men have no relationship skills
Flat out wrong! Men may have different ways of relating, a different set of emotions and a different vocabulary about those emotions. But men can and do develop the skills of relating and relationship.

2. You need to learn to be a better communicator
False! Some men (and women) are not really good communicators; that is true. But you do not need to learn to be a better communicator, just a better listener.

3. Time heals all wounds
False! Wounds fester and rot if not treated, and she still will keep it on the list of all the things that hurt her or otherwise threatened her safety unless you work to heal it with her.

4. There is a right way to communicate and a right way to be in relationship with women
False! There are as many ways as there are people in them. The task you face is bringing 100% your authentic self to the relationship.

5. A perfect marriage is one that is harmonious and has no problems
False! A perfect marriage is one that can work out differences, problems and misunderstandings. Knowing how to start, how to stop or take a time out and how to stay in there when the going gets tough are the most critical skills.

6. Both partners have to work equally on the relationship
Wrong! Your marriage success is entirely dependant on you and how you show up. Show up like a whining little boy and you suck the life away; show up like a powerhouse and you become the solid foundation of the whole relationship. Believing it's her job or even half hers, permits you to slack off your duty!

7. Sex is the barometer of marriage health
False! While it is true that a damaged marriage might experience diminished sex, it is not a universal truth, and the inverse belief that sex will make a dysfunctional and damaged relationship better is erroneous.

8. Women are fickle and self-serving
False! Women make decisions more on how they feel about the options at any given moment. Part of what drives that is their fear, vulnerability and their need for safety. Understand how she feels, and you will know where she stands.

9. It would be good to get coaching from other married women on what works
False! You do not think like a woman and as a result would try to morph yourself into what you think they are saying. The best advice comes from successful men.

10. Topping the charts with a great deed will pay off for years to come
Nope, not true! You have to act as if each deed scores only one point no matter how big or small. Continually focusing your efforts on her is a discipline you must master.

Her "List"

In our guide we refer to the idea that your wife has on file in her head a "list" of previous screw-ups and hurts you have caused her. The specific term of list might not be exactly right but it is certainly how we men experience it. Let me explain.

Women, though many are powerful, most often experience themselves and their state as "prey." This is a result of being objectified, ogled, groped and (statistics say 1 in 3) raped. Their bodies, boobs and buttocks are under scrutiny, or paraded on the catwalk at all times. And we men more often than not see a woman's body before we see her personality. That is threatening to most women. As a result, women rightfully fear for their safety. They - perhaps not consciously - must constantly be evaluating if they are safe in this or that situation - your marriage being one of them. Thus when we inevitably cause a hurt or safety concerns it triggers up this memory of other hurts you (or perhaps even other men before you) have caused. This memory, let's call it the "safety file," is coded by type and severity. (Remember we are dealing with women who can distinguish and name twelve different hues of blue! They are gatherers, not hunters, who can determine exactly when the berry is the ripest.) Thus when you create a big hurt the big memories come out and often lesser demeanors will trigger off lower level memories of the same genre.

Whatever the case, this list is not something that she is holding onto to bludgeon you with at the right time. It is more like what Eckhart Tolle calls "the pain body" of her ego. It is stored memory of hurt and safety issues and each successive instance is compared with and added to that body of evidence. There is nothing you can do to change that. All you can and must do is, knowing that your wife experiences life as a safety issue, continually do whatever you can to make her life safe and her world as protective. The more you do the better she can fully blossom as her beautifully feminine self.