Sorry about the length on this one guys!
We have heard
that there is a workshop coming to Boston for men called "Understanding
Women." While it is led by a woman whose writing we deeply respect, we
think that there are two fundamental problems inherent in addressing this topic
and we would be remiss if we did not bring those to the attention of our fellow
men in relationships.
First of all,
addressing the topic of "understanding women" for men runs the risk
of allowing men to think that problems that exist in their marriage are their
woman's fault. You see, men, at our very
core, are problem solvers and try to solve every problem we see (read that as
“out there”). That translates into
thinking that everything needs to be fixed.
When men take the focus of their being off of themselves (and please
note that there is much to do in that arena and that men could and should spend
a lifetime just working on becoming better men) they think that any problem in
the relationship is a result of the different way of being of their emotion-based
wife. For men, all problems exist
outside of our bodies and our being. We do not as, a class of humans, tend to
be terrifically self aware except of our strength and power to overcome
obstacles.
We have heard and continually hear men saying
that their wife is a bitch, their wife is emotional, their wife is (you fill in
the blank). And when they do that, they
lose sight of the fact that they have a great deal to do with the genesis of
that problem. Irrespective of our ability or inability to actually fathom the
emotion-based logic of women, we are in danger of missing the point of all
men's work; that the problems we perceive
around us can only be addressed by having us focus on how we are showing up in
the world. Our general approach as problem solvers is that we will try to
muscle through and gain mastery of any problem we face. And arming men with some information on how
to understand women tempts them to think that they can master this aspect of
their lives as well.
We are not saying
that men should not do everything in their power to try to understand their
women or women in general. But this first caution is simply that any such
teaching must come wrapped in a package about how they (the men) are being or
showing up in the relationship. And based
on what we know of men, both as men and as trainers and coaches of men, is that
men frequently fail to be as introspective as they need to be in order to
successfully work their side of the relationship equation.
The second half
of the problem is that men and women just do not think alike and often their
rationale or logic seems convoluted at best and often just incomprehensible. Men have strived for centuries to
understand women. Most have given
up. And there is a reason why. The mentality of men can’t fathom the
mentality of women. Women simply think
differently than men. And, as long as
they do, understanding them will be nearly impossible to comprehend.
As we said, men are problem solvers by nature. If there is no gas in the car, you put gas in
it. If the faucet leaks, you fix
it. If the trash if full, you empty
it. Plain and simple.
Everything women do are based on their current emotional
state at that time. If there is no gas
in the car, she may be thinking that you don’t take care of her. If the trash is full, it could lead her to
feeling that she is not feeling appreciated.
Make sense? Right! It doesn’t make sense because our minds work
differently than a woman’s. In “A
Married Man’s Survival Guide”, there is a chapter that talks about how her
emotional state sets the tone in the relationship.
Here is a small excerpt:
When a woman feels something, she will (must) persist in that
feeling until
she is done; and you cannot “fix” that. Because her
emotional
state is a roller coaster by its very nature, your relation-
ship will have
its ups and downs. As much as you would like the
state of your
marriage to be more like a boat ride on the lake, it is
not and will
never be. Emotions simply do not have that quality—
e-motions are
always in motion. Therefore, your life together will
be filled with
surprises around every corner. Learn to monitor your
woman’s
emotional state. It will serve you well to know her cycles
and moods—if
for nothing else, to remind you that her emotions
don’t dictate
yours.
For example, men cannot figure out how the following can
happen. Have you ever been in an
argument with your woman when the phone rings?
It is her best friend on the other line.
She immediately changes her tone and emotion. “Oh, hi Julie, it is so great to hear your
voice. How are you doing? We should get together for coffee soon, I
miss you so much!”
Then she hangs up the phone. The tone changes. Back to the argument. How do they do that? To men, that is physically and mentally
impossible!
We don’t purport that you don’t try to understand
women. If you put in the time and effort
and really listen and “be” with your woman, you can learn things about her that
can make a difference in your relationship.
But we would say that there is something even more important that you,
as the man in the relationship should do. It
is to find and hold a “way of being” in the relationship. This is also called holding a context. At the last session of our “Married Man’s
Survival Course” a couple of weeks ago, the class came up with ways that they
have been in their marriage that have helped them.
Committed
Protector
Provider
Kind & merciful
I’m fucking funny
No matter what just say yes
Everything’s going to be OK
I’m enough
You’re not my prisoner
I’m right here
I Love life
I cooperate willingly
Nothing’s a problem
I accept you just the way you are
This is fun
I am a lucky Man
Try living from one of those perspectives for a
while. The point is simple here: No matter what happens in your relationship,
no matter how she feels, no matter what is going on, if your “way of being” is
present and strong, you will do fine and your relationship will thrive. What’s more, when you focus on this, somehow
(strangely) your wife appears to be less problematic. Stop trying to fix your woman and do the work
on being the way that generates safety, well-being and happiness in your wife.
