Sunday, March 27, 2011

You Sexy Thing!

Research on human sexuality is changing the long-held opinion that we are by nature monogamous – at least that our sexual pairings are monogamous by nature. The research of the past held the distinction that men and women form “natural” pair-bonds has come under scrutiny of late. Researchers like psychologist/psychiatrist partners Ryan and Jetha (authors of Sex at Dawn, HarperCollins, 2010) have produced remarkable evidence that not only is it uniquely human to have recreational sex (and animalistic to have limited sex confined to ovulation) but that the notion of pair-bonding was actually a product of the religious beliefs of the time of and just preceding Darwin and other major anthropological researchers. In more blunt terms, humans (alone with the Bonobo monkey, our closest primate relative) are delightfully gifted toward promiscuity and not only capable of sex throughout the entire menstrual cycle, we alone (with our Bonobo cousins) seem to be the only ones that enjoy copulation for copulation’s sake.


Ryan and Jetha show that the benefits in societies where open frequent sexual expression exists are many and quite positive: lower infanticide; lower aggression and murder; stronger bonds between women and women, between men and men and between women and men; almost negligible suicide and depression; and children feeling a sense of belonging.


So what? Is this permission to screw your neighbor’s wife. No – not really. But the first take-away from this research is a feeling that your roving eyes (and those of your woman) are not abnormal but in fact quite human and quite normal. It is how we humans have evolved to be. And the logical next thought that arises is that despite the feelings of deep attachment we experience with our chosen mate, there is no evidence that “nature” will keep us attached or in a pair-bond with that mate for as long as we both shall live. So why are we doing this? Why marry in the first place? Why not live in communes or group communities as many aboriginal tribes still do?


We have no moral judgment against anyone acting on these genetically driven impulses and attractions. That is normal. In fact, in light of Ryan and Jetha’s research, it might be considered abnormal to want to be monogamous in the first place. But the raw truth is that, if you have chosen this path (of monogamous marriage), you are bucking your genetic predisposition to be sexually engaged with multiple females of your species.


We have chosen to write a book called A Married Man’s Survival Guide and (soon to be released) Thriving in the Jungle both of which work within the proposition of monogamous, commitment for life. That we are predisposed otherwise makes your choice, and ours, both challenging and distinguishing. While we admire it, we don’t accuse our brothers who wander nor do we get all righteous about being monogamous. It is just our choice – and having made that choice, we are committed to helping ourselves and our brothers to maintain that choice against the odds of doing what is natural and normal to our species. Thriving in the Jungle picks up where the Survival Guide left off and is all about sticking with your commitment and enjoying the ride, the benefits and the longevity of the marriage. And we can't wait to get it in your hands.


Friday, March 18, 2011

Prepared for Marriage

Tomorrow my bride and I fly to Costa Rica to attend the wedding of two of our friends. They are both ready. Oh yea, they are in love, but that is not what makes them ready.
Ready for marriage is having your head screwed on straight. For a man it means having learned how to keep your wits and your commitments about you while in the presence of someone so attractive that you might otherwise be tempted to sell your soul to the devil to get. It also means knowing that any time two people get together, there will be (there must be) differences of opinion and of valuation, of timing and energy, of needs and desires - and that you are prepared to do whatever it takes to work through all of those differences yet to be discovered.
I am proud of my friend and will be standing at his side in full support of him and his commitment as they begin the journey. And I am standing there as the guardian of any possibility of a back door.
In marriage there is no back door. You close it, bolt it shut, brick and plaster it over and paint it so that you could never find it if you wanted. Then when there is no escape, you will be forced into the whatever-it-takes that really works things out. Congratulations, M&B, you are powerful, skilled, passionate and smart. With all of that, I know you will beat the ugly statistics that are betting against you.

Young Warrior


Yesterday my 12 year old "mancub" delivered a speech in his social studies class. They call it a declamation but we used to call them recitations - reciting a piece of literature or script. His selection was the moving speech at the end of the movie 300. To see him put on airs as a Spartan, pace about in pre-battle adrenal energy and deepen his (still unshifted) voice was thrilling. There is a man in the making in our house and sometimes all I can do is get out of the way and let him become. He teaches me every day.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Ready for Marriage

Yesterday I met with a man about to be married on one of his last days before the event. We talked about how his fiance is so filled with worries - she keeps telling him these things she is worried about: not having things ready for the wedding, her book she is working on, her business, and so on. And he said all he can do is listen.
Good job! I told him - but not just about the listening. What I helped my buddy see is that he had created a safe place for this wonderful woman and powerful entrepreneur to express her worries. He did that - where no one else could. And that is why she is marrying him. Above all else, he makes her feel safe enough to let out her emotions, her pains, her worries - and that is important in a marriage.
Now before I go too far, there are times when my friend should send her to her women friends to get something he cannot provide. Women bond with women when they share their concerns. Only a woman can say to another woman, "I know; I feel that way too." We cannot claim that simply we are not women. We do not know what it is like to be a woman and feel our way through life, just like they cannot know what it is like to be a male and have to "kill" to achieve (no not murder, but competition, like vollyballers do when they spike it over the net for a "kill.")
There will be times my bud will need his men, and times his bride will need her women (hopefully they do that frequently), but for now, in the days of preparation and readiness, this man has done a great job. And I smiled and hugged him and said, "Yea, you're ready! Good job."

Monday, March 14, 2011

Sharpening the Edge

Hey men, it is our pain that sharpens us - our wounds that teach us - our failures that forces us to focus. Why then do we complain? I hear men whining about their wives testing them or being a pain in the rear and then blaming their wives.

I really don't know her, but having talked with as many married men as I have over the years, I will lay odds that there is a bigger lesson there than "I have a bitchy wife." I read a blog recently that was truly sad. The male writer was heartbroken that his wife of one year was saying she didn't feel emotionally engaged. He should leap up and kiss her for being so communicative instead of sulking in the corner! She just told him how she was feeling = followed by the real give away "It's not you, it's me." So the truth in the matter was that his wife was simply telling him that she felt no juice.

So how did he get there in the first place? There was obviously some juice along that path and he needs to remember what it was that he did to court her.

Face it guys, we get lazy and need to be kicked in the pants every once in a while to keep sharp and on point. The Samurai warrior trains for years on the art of bonsai or flower arranging and while concentrating on that, his master sneaks up behind him and whacks him with the broad side of a sword! We must be alert and attentive at all times. The great master teacher said, "Be alert! If the house owner knew the hour the thief was coming he would be ready." You never know when you must be ready, so you must be ready all of the time in marriage. Embrace your problems - they make you sharp and strong. Next?

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

It's All A Pack of Lies!

We men have been operating for eons under what can be described in no other words than a pack of lies - oh I guess we could call it horse manure, but that is the same. Those lies and the really big central lie under which we all labor is that you have to do it alone!

Okay, here is the whole pack: All the problems of the world are yours; you have to solve every problem you encounter; if you don't do it, you are a wimp; if you don't do it by yourself, you are a weak wimp, if you do pull it off, you are a hero, etc. Got it?

Well, we are here to tell you that is is bullcrap! You do not have to do any of this alone, especially your marriage and the issues that arise in it. That's why we have men's teams - or circles of men - that we go to for advice and help. Men need men, we always have. For more than a hundred thousand years, men have counseled other men, advised each other, prepared their brothers for battles or the hunt. We men banded together and always have.


Until recently that is. Somewhere in the last 50 years we got handed this pack of macho lies that went hand in hand with the dissolution of the nuclear family and the lockdown of our neighborhoods. We started living in isolation; we stopped going to those stalwart social service groups like the Eagles or Masons - regardless of what you think of them - that were holders of men's collective wisdom. And along with it we were told we had to do it alone.


Get over it. Get out of your way and stop destroying your marriage by trying to solve everything on your own. Go to your men (or find a nearby group). At the very least you will find out that you are not the only one who has faced the beast you are currently dealing with and at the best you will get some tried and true wisdom of the men there. One caution thogh is that you should never take advice from someone that does not have what you desire. Hey, would you take investment advice from a bum? Then seek out successfully married men. That's what we did in writing the MMSG.