Don't Remove the Arrow!

Shakespeare called them the "slings and arrows" but whatever you call them, the pains of living the masculine life can certainly feel like a direct arrow in the chest. I was working with a man who had been divorced and is now contemplating marriage to a chart-topping, classy woman. All was going well until he called me recently in agony and depression saying the arrow he'd taken in the divorce was just too painful. It was actually stopping him from proposing to this magnificent woman he knew he wanted to marry.

He said, "You're my mentor - help me take out the arrow. I can't get it out by myself!" But (and I am certain he didn't like my response at first) I said no. That is masculine wisdom. Men learn through our pain and what we learn are our values and our terms. Because the pain speaks loudly, in a sense, saying, "NO - I will never ever feel this pain again. I will never let this happen again." And that is the first step in driving the stake in the ground that says what your commitment is.

There is no legitimate "no" that is not the result of a committed "yes" to some principle or value. So if your pain is saying a loud "NO!" then there is a value that has been challenged; a line that has been crossed. That man lost - massively - when he did not hold his ground and let his values be compromised, and it cost him his first marriage (for better or for worse). And now that pain is what he needs to ensure that his commitment in this next marriage will be stronger than any circumstance or hiccup that can (and will) arise. "NO, I will not quit!" "NO, I will not get lazy in the relationship, because I will never allow that thing to happen to me again!" I told him that the pain is not what should stop him from proposing - it is the watchdog that will ensure that this will be an unstoppable marriage.

So a good mentor (I will claim that in this case) will not take out the arrow. A true mentor will help a man embrace and cherish the pain as his teacher. We do not learn any other way (sorry, I wish it were easy)! Wisdom is the ability to look through your pain and scars and find the lessons learned. Then turn around and teach another man - pass it forward.