Defending the Caveman

It is rare that I feel compelled to respond to another person’s op-ed words, generally because I respect the art of writing and as a writer myself, I understand that editors can take whole hunks out of a writer’s presentation leaving it tattered and sometimes less than coherent. But sometimes, a person strings together such misinformation and assumptions that not only is the premise fouled in the process, he (in this case) creates massive disservice to entire groups of the population. Such is the case with Barry Nolan’s recent “Take” in Boston Magazine (September 2012, 50:9, pages 39 ff) entitled Attack of the 50-Foot Feminist Agenda.

As Mr. Nolan portrays the situation, men have somehow de-evolved from the drum-beating, new-age, poetry reading cool guys of the 80’s into a backlash of self-righteous cavemen who claim to be victims of the feminist movement.  Nolan reports that said men, enraged at the disservice the femininely sympathetic court system has given us men, are now waging a war of inane politics that blames the victims of domestic violence and seeks to pull down every step of progress made over the last thirty years.  

Now hold on there, Bucko, you sort have swept a pile of crap into those assumptions.

First of all, the men’s “movement” was neither started by Robert Bly nor was it organized in order to bang on drums and dance naked around the fire. For thousands of generations, men have supported other men in becoming the best they could be, whether that was in battle (which it was for most of that history) or as husbands, fathers and members of society. While there are some lessons we need to learn from our sisters, these men’s circles existed because there are just some things that women cannot teach us and that are best given by our peers. Borrowing from Bly a bit, some of that work, like grief work, most women would prefer not to see anyway – it is not pretty.  But men’s work is about supporting men to be great.

And part of what can be great about men is taking a stand against domestic violence. Men can be valiant or violent, says Alison Armstrong, and we certainly have the genetics stacked against being valiant. Some 10-20,000 years of selective evolution has ensured that the genes passed on were not the nice guys, but the Huns, Vikings, Visigoths, and other conquerors who took women as the spoils of their murderous raids. And we all walk around with that genetic time bomb ticking away inside. To be sure, most men are prone to violence, but it is men who must stop that cycle and come down hard on perpetrators of any violence against women and children. Many valiant men have stood side by side with our sisters in the service of women and children. Thank all that is holy that we, as a society, have made progress in ensuring safety and justice.

However, justice is not a one-size-fits-all issue. And many times fathers have lost their rights as parents and their place in the home through the well-meaning divorce courts. Granted, a violent man needs rehabilitation before any element of his social system (courts, extended families, churches or neighborhoods) thinks of allowing him near those whom he has victimized. But those rulings should not be dolled out in equal measure when we confuse a “normal” divorce with court-ordered separations. The fact that not one father has ever been awarded custody in any divorce proceedings in the entire recorded history of the State of New Hampshire or that our liberally-minded state is not too far in front of that, suggests that courts may have a bit of an anti-father bias.  It is for that advocacy that groups like Fathers & Families and Fatherhood.org were first organized - to assist fathers in their quest to maintain meaningful relationships with their children, and to work with the courts in reducing the financial burden of alimony when it is either disproportionately large or egregiously long.

Alimony and child support are both righteous principles but, like unions that were built to ensure fair treatment of employees, sometimes even the best ideas get out of hand. An overzealous union can cripple a company or an industry, and an overzealous court, attorney or judge can throw a man into such a financial bind that he is never able to live a productive life again. These and other men’s organizations have been working to even out such adjudications where they have become crippling.

In Mr. Nolan’s defense, could there be zealots who seem to push too far? I have no doubt. But were there not some feminists in the early years who pushed a radical agenda to wake up the nation and the world to the plight of women? Absolutely! Sometimes leaders must sacrifice themselves by going way over the line for the good of a cause that can only move only steps forward at a time.  But I fear that the nature of Mr. Nolan’s article may do more damage to any progress either side has made.

The battle is far from over. There are movements afoot within the political parties to legislate women’s reproductive rights.  There are parts of our country where violence to women and children is not thought of as morally wrong – it is condoned or ignored. Incest, spousal rape, psychological abuse and physical violence are at epidemic levels, yet much of it is never reported. Those of us who care about such things must band together instead of slinging mud at each other and inciting to riot! Hopefully in the battle for domestic justice, we can do better than our political system that seems to ignore the real, serious issues and instead resorts to name calling and slander.  Get your facts straight Mr. Nolan. Get your ass into a real men’s group and let them assist you in getting your head out of it.  There is work to be done, and right now you are just in the way and causing harm.