Amazing Dating Advice!

This post comes to you from Wayne Levine - Author of Hold On To Your NUTs and leader/founder of BetterMen. Check out his website at BetterMen.org - The following is a direct lift of Wayne's post - we could not have said it any better! Rock on, Wayne!

Amazing Dating Advice!
Be the man you want to be, and you'll get the woman you're meant to be with. That's it.

Oh, you were expecting more? Some techniques to manipulate her into liking you even though you're not too crazy about yourself? Perhaps some strategic maneuver to trick her into thinking that you're more successful--or more handsome--than you really are? Or did you expect some infomercial-king-style-of-advice that would help you score with the babes, despite the fact that you're terrified to meet women? Might we be looking at a "mommy" issue?

Am I making my point? The dating advice available--and purchased so enthusiastically by the unsuspecting--is mostly garbage. Why should dating require anything less than the other significant challenges in your life? If being the man you want to be is the foundation of being successful in your career, in your marriage, and as a father, doesn't it make sense that to be successful in dating, you ought to have a handle on being that better man? That's where the work is. Be a man you're proud to be. Have integrity. Exercise. Eat well. Have other men in your life who will help you to grow up and be that man. When you feel good about you, when you feel successful, that's what the women will see.

And by the way, unless you're a kid (young or old) who just wants to get laid, what most men are looking for is one good woman. That's all...one! The odds are in your favor, even without the breakthrough techniques available to you...if you order now! So rather than focusing so much energy on how to "not be yourself" in order to attract women, start focusing inside to be the very best man you are. The source of your power is not out there. It's an inside job. And when you've done a good job, inside, opportunity will start knocking. And she'll be just perfect for you.

Vegas Bound

This Friday we are headed to Las Vegas to present a snippet of the MMSG at a Men's Conference. It's a topic called the Relationship Equity Account and pretty much the thing that started this venture into writing the book and spreading the word on how to be the best man in your marriage.

The REA revolves around continually doing things for your woman aimed solely at making her smile and feel happy and cared for. You must do these for no other reason (see the post on Loving Her For Free, August 27). Though you will benefit from what you end up doing - in many, many ways, you cannot do them for the purpose of benefit. That is a withdrawal from the account. These are deposits. Or maybe think of them as paying the utility bill. If you don't pay, the lights are shut off - that simple.

The REA is based on the principle that no matter what you do or how big or expensive it was, it nets you one point. Conversely, however, your errors, omissions, and failures are variably weighted and can be intensified by her current mood. A nasty screw-up on the day when she is cranked at you can result in hundreds of negative points - withdrawals from the account. Get in the habit of regular deposits, multiple times daily. It pays off in the long run.

We are really looking forward to the exercise and conversations we'll be having in Vegas - hope to see you there.

Wisdom of Richard Rohr

I get a daily meditation for Richard Rohr that often rocks me. Here is today's - straight and simple:
"The male psyche is normally fragile and insecure because it is based on overwhelmingly external and transitory criteria, a game which almost all men eventually lose. The poor male has to look good and he has to defend the honor of his bank account, his family, his race, his country, but all in reference to himself! His question is not allowed to be 'Who am I - really?', but only 'How do I look?'"
"That is precisely the opposite path from any authentic spirituality. Thus it was males who alone needed 'initiation' in most indigenous cultures" and, says Rohr, it is the spiritually enlightened men who consciously walk the other way. They don't have to look good.

Fighting for Honor

The honor/shame struggle is central to the masculine experience. That we are always attempting to prove our honor and trustworthiness seems to be hard-wired into every male. Like abandonment is the central issue for women, honor and trust are critical to us men. And this is not new age 21st century revelation, mind you, it is as old as dirt.


Theologian Barbara Essex once wrote a book called Bad Boys of the Bible (curiously omitting Bad Boy, King David) wherein she documents how far back our problems go. From the earliest of times, the honorable/shameful story of men has been been the making of the best stories. Even in the first biblical story Adam blames Eve, and their son Cain kills his brother Abel. Hey, we're doomed and condemned from that point on. But consider the biblical stories of Jacob (his wanting the only woman in the bible actually labeled as shapely - Rachel - and ending up having 11 other kids with her less than bodacious sister Leah) and David who screws around with Bathsheba so he has to have her husband killed to "legitimately" have her as a wife: now these guys were... were... what? Normal men? Bad influences? Great leaders and fathers of nations?


But the message we, who have heard these stories in Sunday School or Yeshiva, took on was that we must be guilty and shameful. We have learned through the stories of time that we are skirt-chasers, corruptible, and less-than-honorable scoundrels. So we have to be more honorable for our wives (who read and heard the same stories) today. Bullshit!


You do not have to prove your honor! You do not have to prove your masculinity! You do not have to make amends for historical man's wrong-doings! You have only to be you, to do the best you can at that game and bring that to each encounter you have. No one can make you honorable by awarding you some trophy! You do not have to doubt your masculinity or your value in the world. It was given to you at your birth. You are a man, and all you ever have to do is bring that unique brand of manhood to the party. You are welcomed in my circle any time.


And given what those guys did, I don't look so bad after all.

Excuses

Do you make excuses? For what?

Missing the anniversary? Late home from work? Your funk of a mood (she started it!)?

Well the problem with excuses is that they mean nothing and make no difference whatsoever. I catch my 11 year old son doing something that I need to correct and the first thing out of his mouth is an excuse. Actually, from his perspective it is his rationale for why it was the right and logical thing to be doing. So we could call excuses your rationale, and ask instead, "do you have a rationale for everything?"

Somewhere in this society, courtesy of someone (I'll blame a litigious bunch of lawyers with too much time and not enough cases), we got this strange idea that an excuse - a really good excuse - makes a difference. "See, what you have to understand is that blah blah..." No I do not have to understand. No results and a good story still equals no results. Late for dinner and a good reason is still late for dinner.

Wayne Levine, author of Hold On To Your N.U.T.s, calls it the voice of your little boy and says that as men we need to "silence the little boy." I could not agree more. When it comes to being in relationship, stories, rationale, good intentions and excuses just don't cut it. In truth they all kill relationship. Not cleanly like a slit throat, they kill relationships like a bad case of gangrene; smelling and rotting and poisoning the body until it can no longer function.

One of the best disciplines you can adopt to be successful in marriage is the elimination of excuses. Practice with your men's circle or team. Build a no tolerance, no excuse environment. Start and end on time, make hard and big commitments to each other and take a good look at what happens when there is zero tolerance for excuses. Not done is not done but you can see what happened more clearly. Now you are cooking!

Creating Intimacy

We have often heard the adage that men get to intimacy through sex and women get to sex through intimacy. The trouble with that is that most men hear that as a big problem - that is that they must learn how to be intimate. And the simple truth is that men have not been taught much about how to "be" intimate.

Well, relax because we would like to submit a different point of view. Both of the above statements are true, but what you may not understand from them is that while your learning how to be intimate might not be a bad idea, in practice you need only learn how to provide the space and conditions for your wife to become intimate. It is she who needs the intimacy in order to become sexually engaged. You can be ready anytime - that is not the issue.

So the question becomes: what are the things you can do to create a safe haven in which your woman can open up and become intimate. Many of these are discussed in the Survival Guide but until that gets in print, lets list a few: Your strength and protection are primary in this arena but not sufficient in and of themselves. You will need to practice focused (uninterrupted) attention and listening, deep listening - the kind that hears what she means not just what she says.

Look at the physical environment as well. Space and the absence of distractors also add to the intimacy factor. In all, check back a few posts to look at the Art of War conditions as ways that you can create intimacy (rightness of purpose, timing, resources and location, execution and follow-through).

But we would love to hear from you. What are the things you do to create intimacy for your wife? Add your comments below.

Why bad boy Bond will always get the girl

This is a piece we found by Fiona Macrae (accessed 8/9/09) which we thought you might find interesting!

It is something most nice guys have learned by bitter experience - bad boys tend to get the girls.

Now scientists have shown it really does pay to have a mean streak - with callous, self-obsessed, deceitful men proving the biggest hit with the ladies. Extensive studies show that women the world over find it hard to resist a cad.

The secret of his appeal, it seems, lies in three nasty personality traits said to be epitomised in James Bond. Licensed to thrill: Now scientists have revealed that women find it hard to resist callous, self-obsessed and deceitful men: The so-called 'dark triad'.

Unattractive as the combination might appear, women often equate it with masculinity - and the ability to father healthy children. As a result, those looking for the thrill of an affair, or hoping to become pregnant, are drawn to 'bad boys'. The men, in return, raise their chances of passing their genes on to the next generation.

Scientist Peter Jonason said James Bond is the perfect example of a ladykiller with a rather questionable personality. 'He's clearly disagreeable, very extroverted and likes trying new things. Mr Jonason, of New Mexico State University in the U.S., subjected 200 college students to personality tests designed to rank them for each of their dark triad traits. They were also asked about their attitudes to sexual relationships and about their sex lives, including how many partners they had and whether they sought out flings. The results showed that men who scored higher on the trio of traits tended to have more partners and more interest in short-term relationships.

A second U.S. study of 35,000 people in 57 countries also found a clear link between the dark triad traits in men and success with women. Researcher Professor David Schmitt, of Bradley University in Illinois, said: 'It's universal across cultures for high dark triad scorers to be more active in short-term mating. They are more likely to try and poach other people's partners for a brief affair.' The researchers said that at their most extreme, the traits would be highly unattractive, leading to men being shut off from society.

But one possibility is that the strategy is most successful when dark triad personalities are rare. Otherwise others would become more wary and guarded and the strategy would backfire.

In any case, nice guys need not lose all hope. Dr Gayle Brewer, an evolutionary psychologist at the University of Central Lancashire, said that while women tend to like cads for flings, they usually settle down with more caring types.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1027498/Why-bad-boy-Bond-girl.html#ixzz0NhCtNtAx