Male Energy

In a few months I am going to Hawaii for a friend's wedding. And the groom asked that I do some kind of male ritual or initiation in lieu of a traditional bachelor party (we're beyond the point of strip clubs and getting too drunk to see). So I researched the island culture, checked in with a consultant friend who lives there and blended it with some of the traditions I have used in past ceremonies - cool!

But his fiancee wants everything to go just right (why shouldn't she?) and is worried that the men in her family who would come might not like it, might not want to come, might... (what? be typical men??) So I needed to explain some of what I have collected over the years on the nature of male energy and working with men. It goes like this:

Male energy is wild and smelly and chaotic. Period. End of story. Working with men is like riding a bucking bronco - the game is to stay on for the ride, not to look good. In fact anytime you try to control male energy or make it sit down and fold its hands on the desk and be a good little boy, male energy will either leave the room or outright die.

Working with men requires letting it flow from the collective masculine spirit present in the group. Often it doesn't look anything like what you planned - but those are the best sessions, and the best team meetings. Because they are raw and unbridled and totally present in the moment. We men wear our battle armor so much that it is rare for us to ever take it off, and the slightest hint of controlling has men reaching for their helmets and swords!

Oh sure I know where I am going and I will get the men there, but it will be with them and through their spirits and energies that we go - and I will lay money on it being a night to remember. And yes there may be a "man" who would rather sell his seat to be able to spend some cuddly time with a girlfriend than to be where we are (it's okay, I used the term man loosely as I think most likely his testicles are firmly in her grip!). It is one of the real filters in men's work - just the right men will show up and the ones who want to whine are better off not coming, thankfully. God, I love working with men!

Forgiveness - Tell Us Your Story

While many would say that love is the most powerful emotion and/or action available to any human, I personally think that the ultimate power is forgiveness. It requires coming from unconditional love - so in truth, it may just be the first cousin of loving. But let's toss it out there and discuss forgiving. So your wife did something that totally dissed you. You feel left out, dismissed, let down, yadayada. Maybe she did the horizontal bop - the ultimate no-no - with your best friend! What do you do?

• You could sue for breach of contract - cool: you are right; she is wrong - GAME OVER.


• You could be hurt, crawl under your rock and give her the cold shoulder and really punish her. Maybe you withhold caring, or touch or even sex from her - that'll show her. Interestingly though you now have two problems, hers and yours. Even harder to dig out from than the original grave you dug.


• You could lash out in rage, dress her down and run the risk of losing it totally and hitting her (or at the last moment missing her and putting your fist through the wall - same result). Now she is afraid of you, feels unsafe and rightfully wants to run and hide. Hmmm - that worked - NOT!

Or you could go talk to your men and get the strength you need to get back in there and do something incredibly transformative - you could forgive. How strong are you? Hey any weakling can cop an attitude and get pissed off but it takes a truckload of strength to be able to forgive. (Gandhi said that forgiveness is the attribute of the strong - that the weak can never forgive.) Forgiveness is transformative - it changes everything. Maybe that's why all the great teachers - Gandhi, Jesus, Martin Luther King, Jr - and so many like them, all said it was the greatest gift. Forgiving is hitting the reset button in your brain - and resetting back to how things were before this ever happened. Forgiveness is not simply tolerating her "despite" whatever she did. Forgiveness is giving her back that state of adoration and love you once afforded her before. It takes real guts to stand in there and welcome her back. Nice words, guys! Right? We would love to hear your stories of forgiveness. Real men only - wimps need not apply!

Male Spirituality

I have been wondering lately - especially as I read more and more of Richard Rohr's writing on the subject (http://www.cacradicalgrace.org/) - if the time has come to call for a new form of spirituality that appeals to men. I am not talking God talk here, but rather am referring to an understanding of the sacredness of life and a reverence for the world at large. Clearly these have suffered at the hands of man (and I do mean men, not humanity). There is less respect for life - wars, murder and genocide continue at horrifying levels - and the biosphere we call our planet is endangered - stripped of the life-giving rain forests, and polluted in every aspect, the air, the water and the soil that sustain us. Yes it is clear that we humans - we men - are in dire need of a new spirituality.

Religious movements, it seems, have coopted the term (and the practice) of spiritual reverence. Churches dressed it up in linen and lace and perfumed it into pettiness and pomp. In other circles, we are told that we have to meditate a certain way or do yoga a certain way or chant in some weird dialect of Sanskrit - there is always a right way to do it! But men don't seem to relate to formulaic spirituality, at least that how it seems to me. We men relate to the physical, the tangible and the experiential. I understand that when the astronauts first saw earth from outer space, they were moved to begin a whole movement of conservation and one of them even founded what is now called the Institute of Noetic Sciences because it opened him up to an "inner knowing" of the connection of all things. He experienced it and suddenly had a spiritual reverence for things.

But not all of us can get into outer space and pictures just don't do the same thing. What we need is more time to walk in the woods (what's left of them), time to do a vision quest, or perhaps just a couple days or a week with a struggling family helping them build a small place of their own to live in. We have to get out and into the real world in order to be touched by its spirit. Enough with the lives of the rich and famous - enough! If I hear another money-grubbing rich dude story I just may go off the deep end, after I throw up. Enough with Dancing with the Stars; Enough with TV 'reality" shows - that is not reality. Reality is the human struggle for meaning and brotherhood. Reality is touching another person.

Men, our world is out of balance and going downhill pretty rapidly; the preponderance of the wealth of the world is held by less than a half percent of the population while those living in abject poverty are closing in on 50%. Who will right this ship, if not us? What can or will you do? If you get a chance, see the documentary "I Am" (http://iamthedoc.com/). It won't tell you what to do, but it just might resonate with something inside you and get you into action. Maybe if one of us tells another, and he tells another after that, maybe we can start a movement. I has to start somewhere. Why not here and now?

You Sexy Thing!

Research on human sexuality is changing the long-held opinion that we are by nature monogamous – at least that our sexual pairings are monogamous by nature. The research of the past held the distinction that men and women form “natural” pair-bonds has come under scrutiny of late. Researchers like psychologist/psychiatrist partners Ryan and Jetha (authors of Sex at Dawn, HarperCollins, 2010) have produced remarkable evidence that not only is it uniquely human to have recreational sex (and animalistic to have limited sex confined to ovulation) but that the notion of pair-bonding was actually a product of the religious beliefs of the time of and just preceding Darwin and other major anthropological researchers. In more blunt terms, humans (alone with the Bonobo monkey, our closest primate relative) are delightfully gifted toward promiscuity and not only capable of sex throughout the entire menstrual cycle, we alone (with our Bonobo cousins) seem to be the only ones that enjoy copulation for copulation’s sake.

Ryan and Jetha show that the benefits in societies where open frequent sexual expression exists are many and quite positive: lower infanticide; lower aggression and murder; stronger bonds between women and women, between men and men and between women and men; almost negligible suicide and depression; and children feeling a sense of belonging.

So what? Is this permission to screw your neighbor’s wife. No – not really. But the first take-away from this research is a feeling that your roving eyes (and those of your woman) are not abnormal but in fact quite human and quite normal. It is how we humans have evolved to be. And the logical next thought that arises is that despite the feelings of deep attachment we experience with our chosen mate, there is no evidence that “nature” will keep us attached or in a pair-bond with that mate for as long as we both shall live. So why are we doing this? Why marry in the first place? Why not live in communes or group communities as many aboriginal tribes still do?

We have no moral judgment against anyone acting on these genetically driven impulses and attractions. That is normal. In fact, in light of Ryan and Jetha’s research, it might be considered abnormal to want to be monogamous in the first place. But the raw truth is that, if you have chosen this path (of monogamous marriage), you are bucking your genetic predisposition to be sexually engaged with multiple females of your species.

We have chosen to write a book called A Married Man’s Survival Guide and (soon to be released) Thriving in the Jungle both of which work within the proposition of monogamous, commitment for life. That we are predisposed otherwise makes your choice, and ours, both challenging and distinguishing. While we admire it, we don’t accuse our brothers who wander nor do we get all righteous about being monogamous. It is just our choice – and having made that choice, we are committed to helping ourselves and our brothers to maintain that choice against the odds of doing what is natural and normal to our species. Thriving in the Jungle picks up where the Survival Guide left off and is all about sticking with your commitment and enjoying the ride, the benefits and the longevity of the marriage. And we can't wait to get it in your hands.

Prepared for Marriage

Tomorrow my bride and I fly to Costa Rica to attend the wedding of two of our friends. They are both ready. Oh yea, they are in love, but that is not what makes them ready.
Ready for marriage is having your head screwed on straight. For a man it means having learned how to keep your wits and your commitments about you while in the presence of someone so attractive that you might otherwise be tempted to sell your soul to the devil to get. It also means knowing that any time two people get together, there will be (there must be) differences of opinion and of valuation, of timing and energy, of needs and desires - and that you are prepared to do whatever it takes to work through all of those differences yet to be discovered.
I am proud of my friend and will be standing at his side in full support of him and his commitment as they begin the journey. And I am standing there as the guardian of any possibility of a back door.
In marriage there is no back door. You close it, bolt it shut, brick and plaster it over and paint it so that you could never find it if you wanted. Then when there is no escape, you will be forced into the whatever-it-takes that really works things out. Congratulations, M&B, you are powerful, skilled, passionate and smart. With all of that, I know you will beat the ugly statistics that are betting against you.

Young Warrior

Yesterday my 12 year old "mancub" delivered a speech in his social studies class. They call it a declamation but we used to call them recitations - reciting a piece of literature or script. His selection was the moving speech at the end of the movie 300. To see him put on airs as a Spartan, pace about in pre-battle adrenal energy and deepen his (still unshifted) voice was thrilling. There is a man in the making in our house and sometimes all I can do is get out of the way and let him become. He teaches me every day.

Ready for Marriage

Yesterday I met with a man about to be married on one of his last days before the event. We talked about how his fiance is so filled with worries - she keeps telling him these things she is worried about: not having things ready for the wedding, her book she is working on, her business, and so on. And he said all he can do is listen.
Good job! I told him - but not just about the listening. What I helped my buddy see is that he had created a safe place for this wonderful woman and powerful entrepreneur to express her worries. He did that - where no one else could. And that is why she is marrying him. Above all else, he makes her feel safe enough to let out her emotions, her pains, her worries - and that is important in a marriage.
Now before I go too far, there are times when my friend should send her to her women friends to get something he cannot provide. Women bond with women when they share their concerns. Only a woman can say to another woman, "I know; I feel that way too." We cannot claim that simply we are not women. We do not know what it is like to be a woman and feel our way through life, just like they cannot know what it is like to be a male and have to "kill" to achieve (no not murder, but competition, like vollyballers do when they spike it over the net for a "kill.")
There will be times my bud will need his men, and times his bride will need her women (hopefully they do that frequently), but for now, in the days of preparation and readiness, this man has done a great job. And I smiled and hugged him and said, "Yea, you're ready! Good job."