Who Was HE?

Monday the sports world lost big time.  One of the granddaddies of modern sports, and unspoiled for over a century, the 117th running of the Boston Marathon was brutally attacked.  And I am fairly certain when and if the perpetrator of this sick crime is found out, it will be a man.

As a man who works to improve the state and reputation of masculinity, that cuts even deeper than the pain of losing something so special (I have personally run the Boston Marathon 4 times, and my family would wait to cheer me not very many feet away from where the second bomb went off - See http://pastorbecca.wordpress.com/2013/04/16/from-heartbreak-hill-to-heartbreak/).  It is almost not even a question whether or not a man did it - it is just assumed.  We are the violent ones.

But we aren't just that! I often tell men that if they want to understand the fullness of masculinity they need look no further than between their legs.  Part of our apparatus is hard, and aggressive, and that part can be hurtful as well as the source of pleasure for our partners.  But the other part of our masculinity is soft and quite fragile (if you have ever gotten a kick in the nuts, you know how fragile they are).  That part of us must be protected.  That part of us is the source of our life-giving, life-creating gift.

We often, as men, say to each other, "Grab your balls, and do it!" as a way to communicate the sentiment of getting tough.  But I think we have it backwards.  We need to grab those puppies as a way to remember that we have a soft underbelly, that we are vulnerable to attack and that we (and our species) need to be protected.

Yea, a man probably did that - a man that had no balls! He had no sensitivity for others or for himself. He had no compassion for the human race and, in fact, assembled his weapon for maximum pain and carnage. I have a difficulty containing my rage for that man, but I know that violence only breeds more violence.  The only way to heal this is through love and compassion.

So, brothers, grab your balls, and squeeze tightly.  Remember how fragile you and your life are. Remember your capacity to create and sustain life. We have to show up bigger and stronger than he did.  It is the only way.

A Man-Sized Issue

I joined in recently in an on-line discussion of the gun control diatribe (masquerading as dialogue). It wasn’t really a dialogue at all – just a bunch of angry, self-righteous men haranguing each other for the audacity to hold fast to a belief other than their own. So-called pacifists screaming (as best they can over internet type) at staunch defenders of the Second Amendment right to have a gun of their choice to defend their family and property; and the latter’s expletive-laden vitriol about how he will either kill or go to jail to defend that right.

That is not dialogue, and it is one of three main problems that lie at the source of this breakdown. The first problem is that there can no longer be dialogue.  We have lost the ability to discuss and dialogue with each other; unless of course you agree with absolutely everything I say, in which case, I contend, it is not dialogue. True dialogue is an exchange of ideals wherein listening occurs and through which both parties are changed. Dialogue is a creative resolution starting with opposing or differing points of view that results in a new, previously impossible (or improbable) thought. It cannot be reached when both parties start from the absolute point of view that I am right and you are dead wrong, and operate from a fundamental dualistic logic.  Right/wrong dualism renders anything the other person says automatically wrong and therefore not-listened-to. Where is the dialogue in that? So as a result, congress and my Facebook friends simply engage in angry positioning and demeaning name-calling.

But that is only one part of it.  The second source problem within the gun-control diatribe is that we have evolved into a state where we expect laws, legislation and other people to do the hard work or moral decision-making and critical thinking for us. It takes a ton of developmental work to build the capacity to think critically and in a fully mature way about such complex issues as justice, gun-control, global warming, sexual ethics, reproductive rights and human dignity (to name a few). These and other issues like them as immensely complex dilemmas that have no single or simple solutions. Yet as a society we want the simple solution; we want the silver bullet; we want washboard abs with only 15 seconds of exercise a day. 

Thirdly, we have de-evolved into a society who expects that if something is wrong, we can just take a pill to fix it, and that just is not the way things happen. And within that, we hold the expectation that someone else will do it for us. Dear brothers, it is not up to someone else (be that chemistry and pharmaceuticals or law-makers and their polity) to solve our problems for us. These are ours and we need to take ownership and responsibility for the issues we have. Having a law that polices how guns are sold (we have one), or requiring background checks, or magazine sizes will not solve the problem of accountability and responsibility.

 

So the long and short of it is that there is a way out or through this fiasco, but it will take a huge amount of work. First and foremost, we need to take full responsibility not only for the creation of a solution but for the control and use of any firearms out there. In a way the platitude that “guns don’t kill; people do” is right. But until every person who owns or sells, or touches weapons of any sort (let’s throw crossbows and bows and other forms of weaponry in there) takes full accountability of how each weapon is responsibly used, we will continue to have the problem of weapons getting into “the wrong hands.” We need to develop the lost skill of critical thinking to begin to address complex problems and complex solutions in a more mature and rational way.  But above all, we need to re-learn the art of true dialogue.  That is a tall order, but the consequences of ignoring the source issues are too costly; innocent children’s lives being snuffed out before they have even begun to live; malls and theatres becoming unsafe places to go; and young men thinking that the resolution of an argument is drawing and firing some sexy weapon. And  face it, while some women own and sell firearms, predominantly this is a men's issue! When the statistics are frightening enough perhaps the work will be done.

Is It Short-term or The Real Thing?

I had a conversation with a woman friend of the family today who was asking advice on what she should do with a relationship she was in. The bottom line was that they had been dating for a while but that, though she really liked him, they were experiencing some rough spots. She was asking if she should break it off and if so how.  She said she had heard an adage that you can’t ever make a long term committed relationship out of a short term recreational one, so she felt she had to call it quits. It’s a question I hear a lot, and one I would like to respond to more publicly.

First of all, it is not that can’t take a short term relationship and make a long term committed marriage out of it, many great marriages have started with no intention of ending up that way (married).  It’s just that the two types of relationships are based on different values and have different intentions.  A short term relationship – one that may include fun and lots of recreational type of sex – is mostly about you. So ultimately what has to survive in short term relationship is you not the relationship.  By contrast a long term committed relationship is focused on the relationship and therefore what must be preserved is the relationship. You actually take second seat to the relationship. So what happens when two people get into relationship is that they ultimately discover their differences.  It is inevitable that you will have differences simply because you are different people.  What committed people do is that they commit to resolving those differences. The differences and their associated difficulties become the reason for breaking up in a short term relationship, but they are the essence of what makes a committed relationship strong.

So the answer to my woman friend was not what she had called to find out. I told her that this sounded like one of those pivotal points where she had to decide if they wanted to make a go at a long term committed relationship. If that becomes the case – and it can only become the case if both parties agree to it – then this impasse becomes the first of many hurdles that they will encounter and must overcome. Just because the impasse had seemed problematic did not mean they had to break up. Unless, of course, this was only a short term adventure. In that case, she had better take care of herself, which most likely meant she needed to break the tie. “And how do I do that,” she asked.

Swiftly and bluntly – in no uncertain terms. In relationship, I told her, men do not understand subtleties. In fact it often requires a stick of dynamite or a two by four across the temple. We often don’t get it when you like us and want us to come after you , and we certainly don’t get it when you want us to go away.  So be clear and to the point.  Clean cuts heal faster and after you want out of there as quickly and cleanly as you can. Short term relationships are about you not him.

Generating Authentic Power

Our society, it seems, is set up as an accomplishment-driven world. What this means is that we value and measure each other - especially as men - by what we can and what we have done. I must tote around my resume of accomplishments in order to be seen either as a man of my word or as a valued, results-producing go-getter.

But when men reach a certain age or level of maturity, accomplishments are no longer the measure of worth.  In the second half of life (as Richard Rohr calls it) our goal is more about creating worth through what we give rather than what we get or win. This all came to a head yesterday as I talked with a friend and contemporary (he is as old as me) who was signing up for a goal-crunching program in order for him to up his personal integrity.  This man said that in his life he has seen where he has often not accomplished what he said he would and that he has not "shown up as his word" far too often.

I asked him what he though integrity meant to him and he told me that it meant doing what you say you will do.  Well, that may be true, especially in an accomplishment oriented first-half-of-life society.  Integrity is the consistency between what you say and what you do.  But in the second half of life we lose the fascination with trophies and points, so integrity of our word takes on a different texture and flavor. "What if," I asked him, "you looked at integrity as telling the truth about where you are right now?"

The wisdom and power of integrity at that point would look like telling others how much being out of integrity in the past has cost you.  You could look at the wounds and scars you have and say, "This is where I failed to do suchandso a thing, and here is what happens when you don't do that." and so on.  How powerful it is to be fully present to one's failures and the lessons learned from them, instead of pretending that history didn't teach him anything and having him try to (once again) white knuckle through another program of goals and accomplishments. Doing the later would no doubt result in another imbalanced list of losses and a few wins, and further the evidence of his life that he cannot accomplish these huge piles of goals - and that therefore he must suffer one more hit to his pride and integrity in the accomplishment world.

Enough is enough! He does not need anymore evidence.  What he needs, if anything, is the ability to tell the truth and to be fully aware and present to his results and lack thereof. Then, standing in the truth, fully aware of the associated pains and joys of his life, he can finally claim his authority - authority in his own life and his authority for the wisdom he dispenses. It may be hard to face the truth, and even harder to stay fully present to it, but the power that reveals is immense.

Defending the Caveman

It is rare that I feel compelled to respond to another person’s op-ed words, generally because I respect the art of writing and as a writer myself, I understand that editors can take whole hunks out of a writer’s presentation leaving it tattered and sometimes less than coherent. But sometimes, a person strings together such misinformation and assumptions that not only is the premise fouled in the process, he (in this case) creates massive disservice to entire groups of the population. Such is the case with Barry Nolan’s recent “Take” in Boston Magazine (September 2012, 50:9, pages 39 ff) entitled Attack of the 50-Foot Feminist Agenda.

As Mr. Nolan portrays the situation, men have somehow de-evolved from the drum-beating, new-age, poetry reading cool guys of the 80’s into a backlash of self-righteous cavemen who claim to be victims of the feminist movement.  Nolan reports that said men, enraged at the disservice the femininely sympathetic court system has given us men, are now waging a war of inane politics that blames the victims of domestic violence and seeks to pull down every step of progress made over the last thirty years.  

Now hold on there, Bucko, you sort have swept a pile of crap into those assumptions.

First of all, the men’s “movement” was neither started by Robert Bly nor was it organized in order to bang on drums and dance naked around the fire. For thousands of generations, men have supported other men in becoming the best they could be, whether that was in battle (which it was for most of that history) or as husbands, fathers and members of society. While there are some lessons we need to learn from our sisters, these men’s circles existed because there are just some things that women cannot teach us and that are best given by our peers. Borrowing from Bly a bit, some of that work, like grief work, most women would prefer not to see anyway – it is not pretty.  But men’s work is about supporting men to be great.

And part of what can be great about men is taking a stand against domestic violence. Men can be valiant or violent, says Alison Armstrong, and we certainly have the genetics stacked against being valiant. Some 10-20,000 years of selective evolution has ensured that the genes passed on were not the nice guys, but the Huns, Vikings, Visigoths, and other conquerors who took women as the spoils of their murderous raids. And we all walk around with that genetic time bomb ticking away inside. To be sure, most men are prone to violence, but it is men who must stop that cycle and come down hard on perpetrators of any violence against women and children. Many valiant men have stood side by side with our sisters in the service of women and children. Thank all that is holy that we, as a society, have made progress in ensuring safety and justice.

However, justice is not a one-size-fits-all issue. And many times fathers have lost their rights as parents and their place in the home through the well-meaning divorce courts. Granted, a violent man needs rehabilitation before any element of his social system (courts, extended families, churches or neighborhoods) thinks of allowing him near those whom he has victimized. But those rulings should not be dolled out in equal measure when we confuse a “normal” divorce with court-ordered separations. The fact that not one father has ever been awarded custody in any divorce proceedings in the entire recorded history of the State of New Hampshire or that our liberally-minded state is not too far in front of that, suggests that courts may have a bit of an anti-father bias.  It is for that advocacy that groups like Fathers & Families and Fatherhood.org were first organized - to assist fathers in their quest to maintain meaningful relationships with their children, and to work with the courts in reducing the financial burden of alimony when it is either disproportionately large or egregiously long.

Alimony and child support are both righteous principles but, like unions that were built to ensure fair treatment of employees, sometimes even the best ideas get out of hand. An overzealous union can cripple a company or an industry, and an overzealous court, attorney or judge can throw a man into such a financial bind that he is never able to live a productive life again. These and other men’s organizations have been working to even out such adjudications where they have become crippling.

In Mr. Nolan’s defense, could there be zealots who seem to push too far? I have no doubt. But were there not some feminists in the early years who pushed a radical agenda to wake up the nation and the world to the plight of women? Absolutely! Sometimes leaders must sacrifice themselves by going way over the line for the good of a cause that can only move only steps forward at a time.  But I fear that the nature of Mr. Nolan’s article may do more damage to any progress either side has made.

The battle is far from over. There are movements afoot within the political parties to legislate women’s reproductive rights.  There are parts of our country where violence to women and children is not thought of as morally wrong – it is condoned or ignored. Incest, spousal rape, psychological abuse and physical violence are at epidemic levels, yet much of it is never reported. Those of us who care about such things must band together instead of slinging mud at each other and inciting to riot! Hopefully in the battle for domestic justice, we can do better than our political system that seems to ignore the real, serious issues and instead resorts to name calling and slander.  Get your facts straight Mr. Nolan. Get your ass into a real men’s group and let them assist you in getting your head out of it.  There is work to be done, and right now you are just in the way and causing harm.

When Knowing Isn't Enough

Whoopie shit!  So I write this blog and with Dave's great insights and help have written A Married Man's Survival Guide and now it's sequel, Thriving in the Jungle, and then something happens like this past week that causes me to question it all.  The occasion was when a close relative came to me because their marriage was about to fall apart. Real stuff that I have dealt with many times before with friends and buddies, but this one landed really close to home.

My first instinct was to think "What advice can I give that might make a difference?" But the pivotal phrase in that sentence is "make a difference" and all the advice in the world has never made any difference - to anybody.  That isn't what matters when the bomb goes off right next to you.  All that matters is that you are there.  All that matters is that you listen (without editorializing), just listen.

Oh to be certain, I have an opinion.  I have failed at marriage and have gotten divorced and I have lived through dealing with the monster that occupies the space between failure and the final decree.  And all I can really say is that it sucks - as in it sucks all of the life out of you, all of the oxygen out of your lungs - and you cannot think or breathe or move. And what is worse is that the way that felt for me is different than how it will feel for my brother or my kids or for you going through that same in-between space.

I (or you) can never know what it is like for another, no matter how well we know that person or the path they are walking.  We just have no insight into what they are experiencing, and even when they tell us of that unique brand of suckitude fron which they are presently suffering, we will only understand it in terms of what we have as words and history and feelings.  We won't understand theirs.  So all of that knowing is for shit - it has no relevance in the space in-between.

So we laid there and stared up at the ceiling and I listened into the confusion and pain. And as quietly as I could I let the tears of remembrance slide down into my hairline so I wouldn't interfere the telling and spewing that was happening beside me.  And eventually we laughed and went to sleep, so we could get up and talk and listen some more.

It's not over and I am not deluding myself into thinking that I made even an iota of difference.  But I did no harm by assuming that I knew more or different or better.  Sometimes the experiences and pains of life teach you that we all have those periods - those explosions - in our lives and what matters is that we aren't alone.  My pain has taught me compassion for the pain of others so that I can listen without opinion - and for a short while maybe it didn't hurt as much.

Somebody That I Used to Know

I am haunted lately by the song by Gotye and Kimbra that chronicles a broken relationship. He singing from the perspective of one reeling from the end of the current relationship and she from having made the choice to leave because he hadn't let go of another previous relationship. Go figger! Does that really happen? Actually the question might be when does it not happen or how often is that the case?

Living in relationship is a process of entangling the very fibers of your being with those of another and if and when that ends in a break up the fingerprints of that relationship do not disappear immediately, if ever. In Bob Seger's song Traveling Man, he says that each love left traces on his soul. I kind of think of them as being etched into my soul.  I gave my life to each one for the time we were together and is that supposed to fade into nothingness after we are no longer an item? And as for marriage - readers who are familiar with me know that these 20 years of marriage were not my first - I have been married before and fathered two outstanding daughters from that previous marriage. And is their mother supposed to be just somebody that I used to know? I think not.

The relationship did not end well. I was stupid and made very stupid choices that left my ex no alternatives but to divorce me.  But when I came to, I realized that I was still deeply committed as a father and that meant I needed to forge a relationship with their mom.  It took work and it took time, but it has been worth regaining her as someone I still know and cherish.  Recently one of our adult daughters did something pretty spectacular, something about which I knew we were both deeply proud of.  I took the occasion (as I have done many times in the past) to call up my ex-wife and praise her for the magnificent job she did as a mother.  She tried to deflect and say I had a part, but I would not be deterred. I knew that the bulk of parenting through their formative years had hers - and I just wanted to thank her for what she had done.


But the point of this story is that I am clear that she is not just somebody that I used to know. I know that she and each lover I have known has become an inextricable part of who I am.  And I am just another man. We men do that.  Women think we fear commitment. But nothing could be further from the truth.  We commit hard and we commit fully. And when that relationship ends, our commitment somehow does not.  It lingers and hangs out in the deeper recesses of our memory. Their traces on our soul are pretty much permanent.

So  when asked by your current (wife, lover, girlfriend - you fill in the blank) if you are "over" your last love, you can lie and say you're done.  But if she is a normal woman with their uncanny sixth sense that sees through walls and senses even the slightest change in mood or temperature, she will eventually know someone else is still in there.  And if she is hung up on being the exclusive tenant of your soul you may end up singing along with Gotye and Kindra that she's just somebody you used to know.

Understanding Women

Sorry about the length on this one guys!

We have heard that there is a workshop coming to Boston for men called "Understanding Women." While it is led by a woman whose writing we deeply respect, we think that there are two fundamental problems inherent in addressing this topic and we would be remiss if we did not bring those to the attention of our fellow men in relationships.

First of all, addressing the topic of "understanding women" for men runs the risk of allowing men to think that problems that exist in their marriage are their woman's fault.  You see, men, at our very core, are problem solvers and try to solve every problem we see (read that as “out there”).  That translates into thinking that everything needs to be fixed.  When men take the focus of their being off of themselves (and please note that there is much to do in that arena and that men could and should spend a lifetime just working on becoming better men) they think that any problem in the relationship is a result of the different way of being of their emotion-based wife.  For men, all problems exist outside of our bodies and our being. We do not as, a class of humans, tend to be terrifically self aware except of our strength and power to overcome obstacles.

 We have heard and continually hear men saying that their wife is a bitch, their wife is emotional, their wife is (you fill in the blank).  And when they do that, they lose sight of the fact that they have a great deal to do with the genesis of that problem. Irrespective of our ability or inability to actually fathom the emotion-based logic of women, we are in danger of missing the point of all men's work; that the problems we perceive around us can only be addressed by having us focus on how we are showing up in the world. Our general approach as problem solvers is that we will try to muscle through and gain mastery of any problem we face.  And arming men with some information on how to understand women tempts them to think that they can master this aspect of their lives as well.

We are not saying that men should not do everything in their power to try to understand their women or women in general. But this first caution is simply that any such teaching must come wrapped in a package about how they (the men) are being or showing up in the relationship.  And based on what we know of men, both as men and as trainers and coaches of men, is that men frequently fail to be as introspective as they need to be in order to successfully work their side of the relationship equation.

The second half of the problem is that men and women just do not think alike and often their rationale or logic seems convoluted at best and often just incomprehensible.  Men have strived for centuries to understand women.  Most have given up.  And there is a reason why.  The mentality of men can’t fathom the mentality of women.  Women simply think differently than men.  And, as long as they do, understanding them will be nearly impossible to comprehend. 

As we said, men are problem solvers by nature.  If there is no gas in the car, you put gas in it.  If the faucet leaks, you fix it.  If the trash if full, you empty it.  Plain and simple. 

Everything women do are based on their current emotional state at that time.  If there is no gas in the car, she may be thinking that you don’t take care of her.  If the trash is full, it could lead her to feeling that she is not feeling appreciated.  Make sense?  Right!  It doesn’t make sense because our minds work differently than a woman’s.  In “A Married Man’s Survival Guide”, there is a chapter that talks about how her emotional state sets the tone in the relationship. 

Here is a small excerpt:

When a woman feels something, she will (must) persist in that

feeling until she is done; and you cannot “fix” that. Because her

emotional state is a roller coaster by its very nature, your relation-

ship will have its ups and downs. As much as you would like the

state of your marriage to be more like a boat ride on the lake, it is

not and will never be. Emotions simply do not have that quality—

e-motions are always in motion. Therefore, your life together will

be filled with surprises around every corner. Learn to monitor your

woman’s emotional state. It will serve you well to know her cycles

and moods—if for nothing else, to remind you that her emotions

don’t dictate yours.

For example, men cannot figure out how the following can happen.  Have you ever been in an argument with your woman when the phone rings?  It is her best friend on the other line.  She immediately changes her tone and emotion.  “Oh, hi Julie, it is so great to hear your voice.  How are you doing?  We should get together for coffee soon, I miss you so much!”

Then she hangs up the phone.  The tone changes.  Back to the argument.  How do they do that?  To men, that is physically and mentally impossible! 

We don’t purport that you don’t try to understand women.  If you put in the time and effort and really listen and “be” with your woman, you can learn things about her that can make a difference in your relationship.  But we would say that there is something even more important that you, as the man in the relationship should do.  It is to find and hold a “way of being” in the relationship.  This is also called holding a context.  At the last session of our “Married Man’s Survival Course” a couple of weeks ago, the class came up with ways that they have been in their marriage that have helped them. 

Committed

Protector

Provider

Kind & merciful

I’m fucking funny

No matter what just say yes

Everything’s going to be OK

I’m enough

You’re not my prisoner

I’m right here

I Love life

I cooperate willingly

Nothing’s a problem

I accept you just the way you are

This is fun

I am a lucky Man

Try living from one of those perspectives for a while.  The point is simple here:  No matter what happens in your relationship, no matter how she feels, no matter what is going on, if your “way of being” is present and strong, you will do fine and your relationship will thrive.  What’s more, when you focus on this, somehow (strangely) your wife appears to be less problematic.  Stop trying to fix your woman and do the work on being the way that generates safety, well-being and happiness in your wife.

Connecting the Dots

A good friend of mine suggested that I get in contact with another colleague in the New York area. Now, there are two ways one can react to this: 1. Who has the time? I don't know this guy from Adam and our paths may never cross. 2. You never know - maybe we have something in common and some good might come from the contact. Of course I belong to and am a card-carrying member of the second camp. So I called.

And the truth for me is always revealed as this is how the world works. I had a great conversation with another professional in my field who has similar interests, is approximately my age and in the meandering conversation revealed that he has been married to the same woman for the last 39 years. Well I couldn't resist asking all of those MMSG questions about how he has made it work and comparing that with the voices of the masters we had interviewed for the book - and of course learning whatever I could about his unique style and success formula.

But the really big truth I always find is that we men are really quite similar in how we approach relationships, how we see our wives - our women partners - and what we find are the little things that make for big successes in a committed relationship. It's not so much that "we all put our pants on one leg at a time" (though secretly, just to piss off the great pundit in the sky who coined that phrase, I sit down and shove both legs in simultaneously, and chuckle), it is that we share the same genetics, react to the same hormones, get schooled in the same traditions, and get slapped around by the same hierarchy that makes us so similar.

And now - thanks to my friend - this "we" contains one more man than it did a few hours ago. And that is what is important; that we grow in wisdom, one man at a time, one relationship at a time, one day at a time, and each successive day, the circle of men is larger. Oh, and by coincidence, he lives about a block away from our good friends who just moved to the City - so we are planning to get together on the next trip down! It's all about connecting the dots.

Lessons Learned

Today I competed in the elders' division of ATA Nationals. I had practiced and trained to the best of my ability but in the end, I did not place in either event I had entered. But I won in a lot of ways. I won because I met eight magnificent men who cared for their bodies despite their age. I met a man who is 68 and who can do a full side split. That same man had won the "Triple Crown" (three separate World Championships - forms, weapons and sparring - in the same year).

There were three other current World Champions in the ring with me. And they each taught me something. I learned that I am never too old. I learned to shut up about being old - it is a blessing to be alive each day no matter what your age. I learned that wanting and aspiring to something are not sufficient to make it happen. Everything worthwhile takes loads of dedication, training and practice.

I learned that there men out there that I can aspire to be like - who are role models for what it means to be a champion and an elder. And, ye, there was one man in the group who was still stuck in that first half of like "winning is the only thing" mentality. He didn't win either.

And I learned from my own experience as well. I learned that giving my best might not be enough to place, but I saw opportunities where I could grow and better my best. And I learned that I don't want to stop growing and improving. There is more out "there" for me to discover, more to give and more space to inhabit.

So I didn't win or place but I grew a big chunk of humility and that is really really important in the end. Thanks to the eight magnificent men!

Entering the Ring

I am an elder. At least that is what I would be classified as by virtue of my 62 years of age and because of the number of men I have mentored over the last decade or so. And as an elder I am not supposed to be doing what I am presently in the act of doing – entering into a combat. The distinction of elder usually is bestowed on those who, having completed the elements of the first half of life, are now busied with passing those lessons on to others. Intrinsic with that definition is the idea that one is done with the contests and conquests associated with the first half of the life journey. And yet, the reason I am writing this is that I am currently aboard an airplane headed out to engage in one more “first half” endeavor – to engage with other men my age in martial arts competition.

We are told that life is divided into two elements: the first half is focused on gathering and building, and the second more focused on giving and applying. I like Richard Rohr’s division. Rohr says that the first half is about building our container and the second half about using it, the first half concerns finding our purpose and then we must live into that in the remaining years of our life. So as young warriors we venture out into the world to conquer it and bring home our trophies and medals – signs of accomplishing our tasks. We define our space, build our container, as Rohr would say, by doing and winning. Then, having secured our place in the world, we move into a role of helping others from the wisdom of our contests, our failures and victories. Most importantly we teach from our scars and our wounds.

So why am I setting out once again to compete? Have I not won enough, accomplished enough, failed enough, been wounded enough? I dearly hope that those are not the reasons I am doing this. No. As I searched my inner wisdom for some answer, I saw only one thing: my son. I have a late life son (my other children are grown and married with kids of their own) who as a young teenager is perhaps looking at this elder man in wonder. He wonders how I can relate to him. He wonders what it would be like to have a young thirty-something father – to learn from, to model and even joust with. He, like all boys his age wants a hero, and that usually is their father. And that is why I am on this quest.

It’s not for me this time, no medals or trophies are needed anymore, not for me. And I really don’t think he needs me to bring one home for him. But to know that his dad, despite injuries and aching bones could one last time do what it takes to be in the ring, to even qualify, perhaps shows him some element of what a father hero is all about. I want to teach my son that it’s never too late to try. I want to teach him that giving your best may not result in the gold medal, it may not even be enough to place. But I want to teach him that there is something special and valuable in putting all you have into the quest, no matter what the outcome may be. I can tell him this as many times as I like, but it will never register as anything more than words. SO I am doing it to the best of my ability.

I have dropped 15 pounds in the last month. I have doubled up my practice sessions and over the next few days I will be training and practicing and preparing to be able to say that this one, this time, I gave everything I could in his honor. This one is for Jesse. This is so that you know, my son, that giving your best is all that it takes and is all anyone can ask of you – in scholastics, in athletics, in music, and art and in all of life. Give it your all, my son. This is for you.

The Hurt Puppy

Recently we had the great honor of having several women (accomplished, powerful and articulate women) come to the Married Man's Survival Course to serve as a panel for our men. Our intention was twofold: to confirm some of the many statements we make in the Guide about what women have told us regarding relationships, and to allow the men in the class to ask ANY question they had to some open and honest women who promised that they would do their very best to respond.

It was breathtaking, to say the least! The level of honesty of these women and the vulnerability they showed while responding to our men blew us away. But about three quarters through the session a man asked an impossible question - one really that most likely reflected his own relationship but which he asked in a generic way. "Why do our wives say such hurtful things when we are arguing?"

There was a pause as the women looked back and forth at each other, then one brave, beautiful soul spoke these words:

"I don't know what your wife feels, I can only speak about how I feel. When I am hurting all I can think of is that hurt. Trust me, I really don't think she is talking about you. She just hurts and that's all that can come out." Then she added, "A long time ago I had a puppy. it was the gentlest, sweetest dog I have ever had. But one day it got out into the street and was hit by a car. I ran out to get my dog and take care of her and as I gently picked her up, she bit me. I don't think it was me she was biting, I just think she was hurt and was protecting herself from further hurts. I am just like that puppy, and I don't want to be hurting any further!"

All the women nodded in agreement. And the men in the room knew what she meant.

Stephen Hawking Does't Understand

In a recent article in the British magazine Guardian, author Jean Edelstein reported on a conversation with Stephen Hawking (who many claim to be the smartest human alive) where the esteemed physicist claimed to be baffled by women. However he offered up a few analogies for dealing with women from his understanding of the universe.

In essence, Hawking says that just because we don't understand something that should not prevent us from exploring and trying to learn more. Black holes, once thought to destroy anything that came within its gravitational pull, may not be totally destructive. Women, Hawking said, are much like black holes. (Now I can really relate to that having been sucked into the vortex of many a woman's gravitational pull!) But, like black holes, they are not all dangerous and destructive! (Tell me more, Dr Hawking!)

One piece of advice I found particularly amusing was that Hawking said that watching porn on the internet to understand female sexuality is about as useful as reading an arctic geography textbook in order to understand multivariate calculus! Exactly! But the message here is that there is a way to study and understand calculus just as there is a way to study and understand your wife.

And that is the point I would listen to from this brilliant scientist. I really don't care what his experience with women is or isn't (as you may know Stephen Hawking suffers from ALS, and has been severely handicapped most of his life) but what this man has done is that he, almost single handedly, has pushed the outer limits of our understanding of the physical universe far beyond what we had ever known. He has dedicated his mind and his life to understanding the mysteries of science and the physical world. And in that maybe we can take a lesson.

Here is the challenge Hawking gives us as ones who don't quite understand the mystery of women: study your wife, engage her in dialogue, listen to her from a position of not-knowing and of wanting to understand - and dedicate your life and your mind to the discipline of learning what this magnificent and perfect person is with whom you have chosen to live your life.

Women and Diversity

It may come as news to some but diversity is not about equal opportunity among blacks and whites or women and men or whatever. The essence of diversity is that each person is unique and different and because of those differences every other person is called to embrace and accept them as one more piece of the puzzle of what it means to be human. For example, if I want to solve a particularly gnarly puzzle, it would not serve me very well to assemble a team of like-minded people to help me - we would just increase the probability that whatever error I currently suffer from will prevent the group of me's from solving it.

On the other hand if I assemble a group that has radically differing backgrounds, experiences, educational backgrounds, who have struggled with their own unique problems, our combined perspectives would far more likely contain the solution set required by the problem. An individual who is bound to a wheelchair has to exercise a level of creative planning on a daily basis (lest they hit a crack in the sidewalk and topple over and have to figure out how to get back up) that would exhaust you or me. A shorter person may go through life concerned for safety unlike one who is 6'3" and athletic. Anyone in any minority grouping (name it - it doesn't matter) must continually deal with rules enacted by those in power (i.e., the majority) and is not so much concerned about being treated the "same" but rather being recognized and praised for their difference. And diversity consciousness is all about enjoying the differences.

So what does this have to do with women and men in relationship? Everything! When we say that women are a mystery to us, neither of us are claiming ignorance. Rather we are recognizing that we are both males and have never had to deal with the issues of growing up female and what differences that might produce in our thinking. But we do not reject those differences. Like understanding diversity, we want those differences in our lives. We rejoice in those differences (I would not want to marry me!) and welcome them into our world.

Women and men are different, way different. Get over it! I am all for equality in pay or status of careers and so on, but I am not at all concerned about men acting like women (becoming feminized) or women acting like men. When and where we have our common human traits, of course we are the same and we should view that the same. But where women are not like men and where we men are not like women, let's stop trying to force equality.

Different is good. Much research (we quote a lot of it in the Guide) has shown what those differences are. What we are saying when we claim not to understand women is simply that we should never lay claim to fully understanding what it feels like to be a woman. Life is experienced differently by women, sex is experienced differently by women and men, and marriage itself is experienced differently. As a caucasian male born in the US it would be ludicrous to claim that I know and understand the plight of African women, or that I understand oneness as an Asian monk does. That is as chauvinistic as claiming to "understand" our wives. However like with diversity, that awareness is a mandate to seek out our women's perspective, to listen to their point of view, to embrace it as valid and truthful and to challenge the validity of our own thinking as "different."

Vive la difference!

War of the Roses (Cheating)

I am a regular listener to Karson and Kennedy's "War of the Roses" bit on Thursday mornings on Boston's Mix 104.1 (http://mix1041.radio.com/ from whence I borrowed this image) where a man (sometimes) or woman (mostly) calls in suspecting their partner of cheating. Ms Kennedy then calls that person up and offers a dozen long stems to the person of choice and invariable the idiot blows it. It's sad, yet somehow has me listening. But we have a bit of advice to give would-be cheaters about having an affair straight out of the Married Man's Survival Guide.

Don’t—don’t go there! Period. End of sentence. Good-bye. ‘Nuff said.
Look, we understand that at times the woman you live with and have committed to sharing your life with, to growing old with, yeah her, that woman, can be a (check the appropriate bullet below):
Royal pain in the ass
Bitch
Holy horror
Major problem

But she is your pain/bitch/horror/problem. Furthermore, we recognize that the source of her being that way might not necessarily be you. So what? Deal with it. That is what marriage is all about—dealing with the issues. Hey, any fool can deal with the ideal woman who is never a problem. It doesn’t take skill to do that! But when she is too much to take, hanging in there takes real skill.
And having an affair because she has shut you out, or because she has become more problematic than you want to deal with, or because some young thing has winked at you will not only make matters worse, it will result in your now having two problems not one. So let’s lay down some basic rules concerning having an affair:

Rule #1—It is not a matter of IF she will ever find out, it is only a matter of WHEN she will find out! One of the basic differences between men and women is that men tend to show loyalty by withholding and protecting state secrets. We know we can trust a man when he repeatedly demonstrates that he is worthy of confidentiality by not talking to others about what happened. Women, on the other hand, establish trusting circles by sharing secrets. It is their way of including another at the most intimate and trusting level. (Remember the “stain” on Monica Lewinski’s dress? How do you think that story got out?) So, this being the case, that doe-eyed “understanding” woman you might consider spilling your guts with, and your seed in, will need to share her secret with others. It is only a matter of time until her circles of influence cross paths with your wife’s. So from the very beginning you better be aware of the fact—and it is a raw, cold, hard fact—that she will find out. At that point, you just might as well move on to the divorce chapter, because philandering is ample grounds for divorce in any state.

Rule #2—Comparisons kill! There is a law in optics called the “Mach band.” It refers to the illusion of contrast when, say, a sheet of white paper is next to a sheet of dark gray or black paper. Right at the edge, the contrast is heightened making the white look brighter and the gray or black look even darker black. Diverting your attention to any other woman than your wife will produce the same effect. Not only will the contrast seem heightened, but it will be generalized to the entire sheet of paper, which in this case is both your wife and your potential mistress. Those behaviors that were formerly only ancillary irritants (i.e., not the big problems) will take on heightened proportions and make her downright ugly. Your irritation will grow into anger and disgust. Every aspect of her; her breathing, her hygiene, her voice, her perfume, everything will become more irritating in contrast to this warm seductive body with whom you are now entertaining the notion of an affair. By contrast, the other woman will take on superlative qualities. She will suddenly develop runway model characteristics. She will become more radiant, more voluptuous, and more irresistible than you ever imagined. And you will suddenly be unable to control your inner desires.
Don’t be a fool—it is just the optics of the Mach band!

Rule #3—The Groucho Marx Club. Groucho was once quoted as saying that he “would not want to be a member of any club that would have [him] as a member.” Applied to the affair situation—now you have to follow this convoluted logic here—you are talking to a woman who: 1) knows you are married; 2) thinks that she might be able to seduce you away, and then subsequently; 3a) believes that you will never be unfaithful to her, so long as ye both shall live; or 3b) thinks that you are worthy of her love, having just been a philandering son-of-a-bitch to your wife! Does that strike you as logical and rational? If it does, we have some names of therapists in your area you may want to consult (actually any one will do!).

Take it from the masters (not us - but those masters whose wisdom we arepassing on) this is s dumbass idea from the get-go. It is far easier to do the work of relationships than to deal with the pain and cost of affairs and eventual divorce. 'Nuff said!

Success Breeds Success

We don't fight anymore. Well it doesn't feel light fighting or arguing anymore.

But man-o-man, it sure used to. When we were first married, my wife could say those four words ("We have to talk.") and a chill would run down my spine. It didn't feel like an invitation! And after failing a marriage before, I was certain that such discussions would lead to another divorce. But as much as I tried to scamper away, she would not let me hide.

So we argued and duked it out and solved the problem (gasp) yeah, we actually came to some kind of resolution. And gradually, one argument at a time, I learned that a couple can engage in an argument and come out the other side still in love. One at a time, we built a legacy of resolving issues - successfully - so that now, 20 years later, we have a significant pile of evidence that we can solve anything.

And I have learned a few things along the way:

1. "We have to talk" means I have not been listening to what is going on in her life and it's time to do that!
2. "What?" means I have an opportunity to rephrase what I just said!

3. "You (fill in the blank, as in you did this or that and I'm pissed/hurt)" means she is trying to tell me how she feels. In fact it is not about me; nothing she tells me about how she is feeling or how "I made her" feel has anything to do with me. She is just telling me how she feels.

4. Tears are a sign of strong emotions and I need to stick around and listen or ask more questions.

5. Silence is a sign of strong emotions that I need to wait for. It is best to let her be and assume that she will come around to discussing it later when she has sorted it out better.

But none of these is a cause anymore for me to run and hide or seek solace at the bar or in someone else. All of this and more show up as opportunities to build more successes. If there is anything at this point I am certain of, it's that nothing can kill us, that nothing is so big that we cannot handle it. (And don't even go down the path of "well what if you cheat on her?" because that is not gonna happen. This is a committed marriage and there is no room for that here.) When you put in the time to work on issues and resolve them, you don't think of escaping. I just know we can handle any issues, and why would I want to start that process all over with another woman? I have too much success built up to even think of trading that in. Success is quite an anchor!

Screwed for Life

A few weeks ago two teenage boys in New Jersey were convicted as sex offenders - a lifelong status they will never be rid of - for horsing around. The crime these two 14-year-olds committed was sitting, bare-butted on another kid's face. The were being 14 year old boys. And unless the appellate courts overturn the conviction, neither can become a teacher or a volunteer who comes anywhere near minors. Preschools and YMCAs will have to post their pictures in the lobby if they live withing three miles of the location, - and other such great punishments. Oh I suppose they might be able to become lawyers or politicians but basically for anything else they are screwed.
For life.
I am not saying what they did is right, nor am I claiming that the act would not have been humiliating or disgusting for the kid on the bottom (two years their junior). But what I will say is that it was not rape and it was not too far afield from what teen age boys have been doing for eons. Boys have been lighting farts, mooning school buses, comparing penis sizes and a whole host of other indescribable and unsavory actions since there have been boys on the planet. Again - it does not justify their actions. But do such actions warrant a life sentence?
I really want to go on a rant right here, but I am speechless. Our society has gone too far. Boys are labeled ADHD for their naturally high energy; boys are not permitted to struggle and fight (and learn that it hurts) so they never find out till it's too late; boys don't get to lose in games (everyone is a winner) so they have no concept of how to cope with and learn from their difficulties; and boys are seen as sexual predators. There was a recent case of a kindergarten boy who was expelled (from kindergarten) for what the teacher called sexual harassment (he hugged two girls). I constantly have to remind my 13 year old son that he needs to be very careful about what he says and how he jokes, least he be likewise charged and have his future ruined.
Enough already - it is not sinful to be a boy, stupid at times, but not a sin.

Busted at the World Cup

I love soccer - really! Like hockey and rugby, it's more about what happens between the goalposts than the run-up scores when the Brady Bunch humiliates the Bills. And the World Cup provides the best of the best in the world of soccer (football as the rest of the world refers to it).

So I was a little more than interested in the US Women's team road to the finals, and perhaps a little over confident when the final itself was versus Japan to whom they had never lost. It was a heartthrobber of a game, tied in the last few minutes by Japan to push it to overtime and then with only two minutes in overtime, tied again by Japan to force a shoot out. But I am not a sports writer; I am a man. and that is where I have to confess to something - I (along with most of the male sports fans who have ever seen a women's soccer match) am secretly in love with Hope Solo. Oh, she's good - really good! Her states are amazing and almost read like Tim Thomas of the Bruins. But Sunday's shootout was - well - not so great.

She was even gracious in defeat - she said she was "happy for Japan - they deserved it." You can't really get mad or feel upset at that, can you? But, here's the thing that seems obvious to me. I can't really get upset because I am still, after all my training and all these years, a sexist pig. I cut her slack because she is drop-dead gorgeous, powerful, agile and has a stunning smile. I don't do that with Brady - I don't care if he and Giselle play kissy-face in front of the cameras or if he models for Stetson cologne - he's a QB and that's is what he's paid for and why I am a fan. And he messes up some days - and I'm pissed.

Busted!

I am not pissed at Hope Solo. Maybe it's because I never played soccer competitively. Maybe it's because it's not really my home team. But most likely it's just because I am still a sexist. Damn it all - will I never get better?

Responsibilities in Relationships

When we talk to women (wives of our men friends) they seem to have a common complaint that they alone carry the burden of work surrounding their marriage relationships. Why, they ask us, don’t their husbands step up to the plate? Are their men lazy or just clueless?

Well, in a word, yes! Men have not been trained in the art and science of relationships and are generally not inclined to do so. However, we have strong evidence that those men who are in long-term successful relationships have learned and regularly use their relationship skills. But there is a qualification here: the relationship skills used by men are uniquely masculine and may not look like what their wives might call relating skills.
We find that men who have mastery in relationships do a couple things that their brothers don’t do as well.

First and foremost, men need to continue to work on themselves. We call it “doing the inner work” but it amounts to taking life seriously enough to keep sharp and ready. This could be refining their skills in a professional area or staying physically fit. It could be taking classes or doing fund-raising for a charity. Whatever they take on, however, they use it to make themselves better in the process.

Great men in relationship learn how to listen well in two distinct ways: They learn to listen without the knee-jerk reflex to fix something. They know that sometimes it is better to listen and sit with you than to rush off to find a hammer or wrench that will do the job. But what really distinguishes masters in relationship is that they learn how to listen to the issue behind what they are hearing. They learn how to hear the “why” behind “what” their wives may be saying. They become more intuitive in their listening.

And thirdly, relationship masters know that what got them into a relationship in the first place was how they were focusing their attention on the woman of their choice and never stop doing that. We find that a great way to frame that when we talk with men is to tell them that they have to continue to court their wives. But this has two effects: one, it gets them to think of silly, sometimes meaningless, little things that delight their wives, of course. But the more important thing that this does is that it keeps them focused at home. We find that men tend to be attracted to whatever they focus on – it that is their wives, they’re golden, but if it is model railroading or the cute bartender at the local pub, they are in danger! They will be attracted simply by virtue of their attentiveness.

A Married Man’s Survival Guide delves deeply into these and many, many more skills of relationship mastery that men can and do learn.

Who's Right - Who's Wrong?

There is a whole bunch of chatter in relationship circles about right and wrong; admitting when you are wrong; forgiving someone who is wrong; yadayada. So let's take that on for a second!

I could go way down a tunnel about how what you see is unique to you alone and how perhaps you may never really know the objective truth of any situation, but that is a big can of worms - nightcrawlers, in fact. I suppose if human interactions were seedlings or boards or something, we could objectively measure them and all agree that "the fact is... that it is 3.57mm tall." Whatever! But human interactions are cloudlike exchanges where words have mixed meanings for both the speaker and listener, and where the words themselves are just a loose approximation of what is actually going on inside the heads of those involved. It is really sloppy stuff!

Don't agree? Think of it this way: if you look up the word 'love' in the dictionary it says something like "a warm fuzzy feeling about a person or thing." But that (or any) definition comes nowhere near describing the length, breadth and depth of the feelings you have for your spouse or your children - yet we reduce it all to this little word "love." A few years ago, researchers at Harvard had same-culture pairs of people talk to each other for about 5 minutes and then transcribed those conversations. Leaving out the articles and prepositions, they asked the pairs each to define the words in their conversation. When they compared the definitions the researchers found that people had exact agreement on only 6% of the words - the other 94% they either slightly or greatly disagreed on. Where is the truth in that? Who is right when even the words we smile at and nod our heads to and follow along with mean different things to each of us?

So here is the simple truth: ascribing rightness/wrongness is a losing proposition. Someone has to be wrong (put your head down, admit it and say "I'm sorry.") if another is right. It is important in relationship to recognize that right/wrong has no place in a functional relationship. We need to learn a different set of phrases: You didn't hear what I meant. I had a different assumption about that. I didn't understand your feelings. I was too caught up in my own thing to hear you.

Being right is a child's game you learned when you were three or four, and perhaps it served you well through your school years. But being right is an immature attitude that needs to be outgrown in order to live in a healthy relationship. Get over your need to be right! Or go and be right on your crossword puzzle or in a science lab somewhere, and leave it there. Come back home in the maturity of accepting your spectacular differences (94% of the time!) and the juicy spaces in between. See what you can discover when no one needs to be right anymore.