Yesterday my wife asked me what could explain the sudden increase in divorces and separations that we had been hearing of. "Is it something in the water, or is no one teaching the skills of marriage survival anymore?" "Anymore?" I retorted, "No one ever taught them in the first place - that's why we're writing this book." We discussed how many of the men and women we knew who were now seeking divorce had actually attended relationship weekends or men's and women's initiation weekends and that they seemed okay for a while. But then it all seemed to go to hell in a hand basket!
Dave and I have both done several of those weekends and we find that men coming out of them have gained a couple of common lessons - that men are all just men, that men are commitment focused and need a higher purpose to stay on track, and so on - but the main one is that you get what you focus on. Relationship weekends teach focus above all else. Focus on your wife. Do things just for her and just to delight her and elevate her. Good shit! But I think that many men hear the task and not the tool. The task - what you should do - doesn't really matter. You could do just about anything and it would work fine. It is how you do that and what that tool is that really matters.
And that is focus. We men grow up learning to focus our attention: it is the skill of fishing, the primary tool of athletics, and of ensuring you don't lop off a finger in wood shop! Focusing on something increases our direction and attraction toward it. Focusing on a thing makes us unstoppable. But what happens when we have a zillion other choices at our fingertips? What happens when we start seeing that there are thousands of women (quite beautiful ones) who are willing to peddle their attraction to or availability to us? What happens when old lovers can find us and "friend" us on FaceBook? We lose focus - we get waaaay distracted!
I am not blaming FaceBook for the divorces, mind you. I am simply saying that it represents part of the growing problem. It has become too easy to lose focus. And worse yet is that we have selective memories. Look, do you remember why you broke up with the Captain of the Cheerleaders in HS? No. But I'd be willing to bet a paycheck you (vividly) remember nailing her that first time! And so when she pops up, out of the blue, all those hot summer night memories pop up with her. And it goes both ways. I am working with a man whose wife is having an Internet affair (which he presumes will shortly lead to consummation) with her high school sweetheart. Guess what he's doing with her - focusing all his attention on HER! And that, brothers, is seductive.
So the long and short of it is this: work on your focus. Be aware of what you are focusing on. It is a dangerously powerful tool. Focus on your goals, focus on your purpose and, for your marriage's sake, focus on your wife. (Go back and read "Happiness is a choice" posted on Aug 20 for more.)
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Monday, December 21, 2009
Transforming Anger and Rage
As men we must become anger specialists! Anything we do not take on as a discipline has the potential of owning us in the long run and anger/rage is the worst offender. Because of our genetic inheritance (we inherited 200,000 years worth of genes passed on by the killers and winners of mankind's violent warring tribes) we are capable of quite a lot of damage - and anything done or said out of rage will only cause more harm. Thus there are a few steps we need to learn to take when we get angry or enraged (not miffed or ticked off - red-faced angry!) We suggest these steps to transform our anger into useful energy.
1. Recognize whose anger you are feeling (yours! YOU are angry so YOU have to deal with this within yourself).
2. Withdraw (remember anything you do right now causes damage). Say something like, "I'm feeling really angry right now and I need to deal with that." (She will want to talk about it - that is what women do - so don't go there. Just say "not now" and leave.)
3. Embrace your anger (like we do when another man is raging we let him rage into our arms). Do not deny it or make it bad. Anger is a messenger - don't kill the messenger.
3a. You might want to hit, break or punch something but be careful how often you are inclined to do this as it serves as more training in violence and one day it could come out in the wrong place.
4. Inspect your anger - let it "speak" to you. Are you angry because of what she did? If so why did you choose anger as your response? It might not be because of what she did, but because of what you thought she SHOULD do (or not do as the case may be). Then what is that belief - in you - that fired up your anger. Usually this is a set or series of "if-then" beliefs each of which makes the scene progressively worse. It is like a ladder that takes our rage higher with each rung.
5. Identify the rungs of the ladder ("if she thinks that, then it means suchandso, and if that is the case...") and step back down one rung at a time. Ask yourself, "What is the false belief?" "What am I really afraid of?" These are just two of the four questions of the Fourth Step in the 12-step AA inventory and we heartily recommend the 4th step analysis here.
6. Once your rage is down to the appropriate level of anger or disappointment (it is not your goal to rid yourself of all anger, but just to get to a level of functionality) then go back to you wife and tell her that you were angry and that you were suffering as a result, but that that you can talk, you want her help with what you discovered. This is the hard part - you must not blame her for any part of what you are dealing with! In stead, identify your mistakes or your errant beliefs that resulted in you coping such a severe attitude. This works not only for you but for her as well.
1. Recognize whose anger you are feeling (yours! YOU are angry so YOU have to deal with this within yourself).
2. Withdraw (remember anything you do right now causes damage). Say something like, "I'm feeling really angry right now and I need to deal with that." (She will want to talk about it - that is what women do - so don't go there. Just say "not now" and leave.)
3. Embrace your anger (like we do when another man is raging we let him rage into our arms). Do not deny it or make it bad. Anger is a messenger - don't kill the messenger.
3a. You might want to hit, break or punch something but be careful how often you are inclined to do this as it serves as more training in violence and one day it could come out in the wrong place.
4. Inspect your anger - let it "speak" to you. Are you angry because of what she did? If so why did you choose anger as your response? It might not be because of what she did, but because of what you thought she SHOULD do (or not do as the case may be). Then what is that belief - in you - that fired up your anger. Usually this is a set or series of "if-then" beliefs each of which makes the scene progressively worse. It is like a ladder that takes our rage higher with each rung.
5. Identify the rungs of the ladder ("if she thinks that, then it means suchandso, and if that is the case...") and step back down one rung at a time. Ask yourself, "What is the false belief?" "What am I really afraid of?" These are just two of the four questions of the Fourth Step in the 12-step AA inventory and we heartily recommend the 4th step analysis here.
6. Once your rage is down to the appropriate level of anger or disappointment (it is not your goal to rid yourself of all anger, but just to get to a level of functionality) then go back to you wife and tell her that you were angry and that you were suffering as a result, but that that you can talk, you want her help with what you discovered. This is the hard part - you must not blame her for any part of what you are dealing with! In stead, identify your mistakes or your errant beliefs that resulted in you coping such a severe attitude. This works not only for you but for her as well.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
The Challenging Life
If memory serves me, the first line of M Scott Peck's classic, The Road Less Traveled, is "Life is difficult." Truth be told, life is challenging and should not be thought of otherwise. But these difficulties and challenges are not meant to sink us. Rather, they are what shapes and molds us into the powerful men we are meant to be.
However, somewhere along the line, someone made up this crazy idea that you "deserve" a comfortable life of leisure! And it is this false belief that causes us the real pain - not the difficulties themselves. Imagine that you believed that the rules of pro football were that each team took turns moving the ball down the field with a variety of cool moves and that the other team's job was to conveniently step aside and help create the beauty of their execution. Were that your belief, you would be shocked and even angered when an opposing linebacker leveled the receiver with a bone-crunching tackle!
But we all cheer such game day opposition - because those are the real rules. If we assume the same to be the rules of life (that the opposition is there to make us better) then we might get up from each hit, straighten our pads and run back to the huddle for the next play. Well, life is like that. It's game day every day, fellas, and this is the NFL! So suit up, get out there and leave it all on the field! Or as my coach used to say, "Suck it up, princess!"
However, somewhere along the line, someone made up this crazy idea that you "deserve" a comfortable life of leisure! And it is this false belief that causes us the real pain - not the difficulties themselves. Imagine that you believed that the rules of pro football were that each team took turns moving the ball down the field with a variety of cool moves and that the other team's job was to conveniently step aside and help create the beauty of their execution. Were that your belief, you would be shocked and even angered when an opposing linebacker leveled the receiver with a bone-crunching tackle!
But we all cheer such game day opposition - because those are the real rules. If we assume the same to be the rules of life (that the opposition is there to make us better) then we might get up from each hit, straighten our pads and run back to the huddle for the next play. Well, life is like that. It's game day every day, fellas, and this is the NFL! So suit up, get out there and leave it all on the field! Or as my coach used to say, "Suck it up, princess!"
Friday, November 27, 2009
What Men Might Want for Gifts (Advice for WOMEN!)
Well come over here young lady and sit on Santy’s lap. What’s that you say; you want to know what men want for the Holidays? Well, well, let me think…
While we are, on many levels fairly simple as men, men tend to be a little difficult to figure out when it comes to gift giving. You see, I believe what my friend Justin says about men is pretty true: it’s not that most men just don’t like to shop, it's just that most men don’t know what they would want beyond the four or five big toys they could name. After that they pretty much don’t care. They might just as well give their money over to their wife or buy their kids something cool. So assuming you are not in the market for one of his “big five” trophies, what can you do? The following, though not specific as to the items themselves, is our advice for gift-giving. There are no guarantees that your man’s gift is listed below or that he fits any of the categories, but we think we may have covered some of the bases.
Give the gift that keeps on giving. Utility is a high value for men so a gift’s usefulness carries a high regenerative point yield. Each time he uses your gift it feels good (it scores points). He may forget where or from whom the gift came, but the happiness it generates lives on well beyond the appearance of paint stains, scratches and dings the gift might garner over time. Like a good championship sweatshirt that imbues the wearer with that same high he felt at the final buzzer, the final out, or the last whistle, a highly usable tool, ladder, shopvac or belt sander lives on and on. Try tools like the standard fare (box wrenches, new screwdrivers – both kinds) or electrical gadgets like sanders that get in the corner, or a Dremel kit, which any man would love but never buy out of need. As for the ultimate man-tool, a sawsall wins, hands down (ask around for the best brands but we like Makita)!
Let’s get the clothing thing out of the way- OK? Look, unless your guy is in one of those few remaining professions where he has to dress up (banker, lawyer, clothing salesman), clothing pretty much follows the utility rule. Socks and underwear are purchased when their predecessors wear through. But holes do not mean “worn out,” they are a sign of love! Jeans, sweats, tees and flannel shirts can be purchased, but they will often find their place in the bottom of the drawer or the back hanger in the closet until the “loved one” falls apart, and then, your man is likely to forget that the gift was waiting at the bottom, and zoom out to the nearest WalMart to get a new replacement whatever. Don’t get attached to results from clothing gifts – you’re not likely to get a “gee, honey, it’s just what I wanted!”
The thing he would never think of. Before I start, let me just say that the words male, spa and facial, have, to the best of our knowledge, never been found in the same sentence. So don’t even go there. But a survey of the men came up with a soup-to-nuts scatter gram of items that might map out some options for you. Check these out as examples of way-out gifts: A nicely hand-carved walking stick; a rare crystal, polished nautilus or fossil mounted and framed; a portable GPS; an iPhone (like who wouldn’t love one); a book of 1001 places to see before you die (many versions like geological wonders, best places, natural wonders, etc) – I recently got one of those and, with it and my Google Earth, I can Walter Mitty myself into oblivion!
Mistletoe schmistletoe. Hey, let’s face it, any occasion can be dressed up as an opportunity for romance (male translation: eroticism). It is one of the main differences between your gender and ours, you know. We are “on” at all times. The function of testosterone can result in our looking at an angel and thinking “hey, she’s pretty cute!” So aside from the Pagan tradition of hanging Mistletoe on the doorway, why not try dressing something else up – you – like really dressing up. Do you know that we love to see you dressed up too? A well-spent hundred on a low-cut evening gown, a velveteen skirt and silk blouse in holiday colors, make up and perfume IS actually a wonderful gift for us. Place a bow on your wrist and wait under the tree!
It may be rare for a man to say “do you know what I want for Christmas/Hanukah?” Most men we know, when faced with a want, are programmed to go out and get it - immediately. As a result we don’t walk around with a handy “wish list” – sorry! So we weren’t able to get much to help you. But if you want to know the truth, it is this: This is the season of intention. What matters is not what you give, it is simply that you give and particularly how you give. Heck, you could give us a rock, but if you did it with love and gratitude we would probably place it on the mantle right next to our most valued trophy and cherished treasure. What’s that thing they say? It’s the thought that counts! Happy Holidays!
While we are, on many levels fairly simple as men, men tend to be a little difficult to figure out when it comes to gift giving. You see, I believe what my friend Justin says about men is pretty true: it’s not that most men just don’t like to shop, it's just that most men don’t know what they would want beyond the four or five big toys they could name. After that they pretty much don’t care. They might just as well give their money over to their wife or buy their kids something cool. So assuming you are not in the market for one of his “big five” trophies, what can you do? The following, though not specific as to the items themselves, is our advice for gift-giving. There are no guarantees that your man’s gift is listed below or that he fits any of the categories, but we think we may have covered some of the bases.
Give the gift that keeps on giving. Utility is a high value for men so a gift’s usefulness carries a high regenerative point yield. Each time he uses your gift it feels good (it scores points). He may forget where or from whom the gift came, but the happiness it generates lives on well beyond the appearance of paint stains, scratches and dings the gift might garner over time. Like a good championship sweatshirt that imbues the wearer with that same high he felt at the final buzzer, the final out, or the last whistle, a highly usable tool, ladder, shopvac or belt sander lives on and on. Try tools like the standard fare (box wrenches, new screwdrivers – both kinds) or electrical gadgets like sanders that get in the corner, or a Dremel kit, which any man would love but never buy out of need. As for the ultimate man-tool, a sawsall wins, hands down (ask around for the best brands but we like Makita)!
Let’s get the clothing thing out of the way- OK? Look, unless your guy is in one of those few remaining professions where he has to dress up (banker, lawyer, clothing salesman), clothing pretty much follows the utility rule. Socks and underwear are purchased when their predecessors wear through. But holes do not mean “worn out,” they are a sign of love! Jeans, sweats, tees and flannel shirts can be purchased, but they will often find their place in the bottom of the drawer or the back hanger in the closet until the “loved one” falls apart, and then, your man is likely to forget that the gift was waiting at the bottom, and zoom out to the nearest WalMart to get a new replacement whatever. Don’t get attached to results from clothing gifts – you’re not likely to get a “gee, honey, it’s just what I wanted!”
The thing he would never think of. Before I start, let me just say that the words male, spa and facial, have, to the best of our knowledge, never been found in the same sentence. So don’t even go there. But a survey of the men came up with a soup-to-nuts scatter gram of items that might map out some options for you. Check these out as examples of way-out gifts: A nicely hand-carved walking stick; a rare crystal, polished nautilus or fossil mounted and framed; a portable GPS; an iPhone (like who wouldn’t love one); a book of 1001 places to see before you die (many versions like geological wonders, best places, natural wonders, etc) – I recently got one of those and, with it and my Google Earth, I can Walter Mitty myself into oblivion!
Mistletoe schmistletoe. Hey, let’s face it, any occasion can be dressed up as an opportunity for romance (male translation: eroticism). It is one of the main differences between your gender and ours, you know. We are “on” at all times. The function of testosterone can result in our looking at an angel and thinking “hey, she’s pretty cute!” So aside from the Pagan tradition of hanging Mistletoe on the doorway, why not try dressing something else up – you – like really dressing up. Do you know that we love to see you dressed up too? A well-spent hundred on a low-cut evening gown, a velveteen skirt and silk blouse in holiday colors, make up and perfume IS actually a wonderful gift for us. Place a bow on your wrist and wait under the tree!
It may be rare for a man to say “do you know what I want for Christmas/Hanukah?” Most men we know, when faced with a want, are programmed to go out and get it - immediately. As a result we don’t walk around with a handy “wish list” – sorry! So we weren’t able to get much to help you. But if you want to know the truth, it is this: This is the season of intention. What matters is not what you give, it is simply that you give and particularly how you give. Heck, you could give us a rock, but if you did it with love and gratitude we would probably place it on the mantle right next to our most valued trophy and cherished treasure. What’s that thing they say? It’s the thought that counts! Happy Holidays!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
The 10 Great Non-Truths About Marriage Success
These aren't outright lies - they just are not true, and believing them to be true misleads us.
1. Men have no relationship skills
Flat out wrong! Men may have different ways of relating, a different set of emotions and a different vocabulary about those emotions. But men can and do develop the skills of relating and relationship.
2. You need to learn to be a better communicator
False! Some men (and women) are not really good communicators; that is true. But you do not need to learn to be a better communicator, just a better listener.
3. Time heals all wounds
False! Wounds fester and rot if not treated, and she still will keep it on the list of all the things that hurt her or otherwise threatened her safety unless you work to heal it with her.
4. There is a right way to communicate and a right way to be in relationship with women
False! There are as many ways as there are people in them. The task you face is bringing 100% your authentic self to the relationship.
5. A perfect marriage is one that is harmonious and has no problems
False! A perfect marriage is one that can work out differences, problems and misunderstandings. Knowing how to start, how to stop or take a time out and how to stay in there when the going gets tough are the most critical skills.
6. Both partners have to work equally on the relationship
Wrong! Your marriage success is entirely dependant on you and how you show up. Show up like a whining little boy and you suck the life away; show up like a powerhouse and you become the solid foundation of the whole relationship. Believing it's her job or even half hers, permits you to slack off your duty!
7. Sex is the barometer of marriage health
False! While it is true that a damaged marriage might experience diminished sex, it is not a universal truth, and the inverse belief that sex will make a dysfunctional and damaged relationship better is erroneous.
8. Women are fickle and self-serving
False! Women make decisions more on how they feel about the options at any given moment. Part of what drives that is their fear, vulnerability and their need for safety. Understand how she feels, and you will know where she stands.
9. It would be good to get coaching from other married women on what works
False! You do not think like a woman and as a result would try to morph yourself into what you think they are saying. The best advice comes from successful men.
10. Topping the charts with a great deed will pay off for years to come
Nope, not true! You have to act as if each deed scores only one point no matter how big or small. Continually focusing your efforts on her is a discipline you must master.
1. Men have no relationship skills
Flat out wrong! Men may have different ways of relating, a different set of emotions and a different vocabulary about those emotions. But men can and do develop the skills of relating and relationship.
2. You need to learn to be a better communicator
False! Some men (and women) are not really good communicators; that is true. But you do not need to learn to be a better communicator, just a better listener.
3. Time heals all wounds
False! Wounds fester and rot if not treated, and she still will keep it on the list of all the things that hurt her or otherwise threatened her safety unless you work to heal it with her.
4. There is a right way to communicate and a right way to be in relationship with women
False! There are as many ways as there are people in them. The task you face is bringing 100% your authentic self to the relationship.
5. A perfect marriage is one that is harmonious and has no problems
False! A perfect marriage is one that can work out differences, problems and misunderstandings. Knowing how to start, how to stop or take a time out and how to stay in there when the going gets tough are the most critical skills.
6. Both partners have to work equally on the relationship
Wrong! Your marriage success is entirely dependant on you and how you show up. Show up like a whining little boy and you suck the life away; show up like a powerhouse and you become the solid foundation of the whole relationship. Believing it's her job or even half hers, permits you to slack off your duty!
7. Sex is the barometer of marriage health
False! While it is true that a damaged marriage might experience diminished sex, it is not a universal truth, and the inverse belief that sex will make a dysfunctional and damaged relationship better is erroneous.
8. Women are fickle and self-serving
False! Women make decisions more on how they feel about the options at any given moment. Part of what drives that is their fear, vulnerability and their need for safety. Understand how she feels, and you will know where she stands.
9. It would be good to get coaching from other married women on what works
False! You do not think like a woman and as a result would try to morph yourself into what you think they are saying. The best advice comes from successful men.
10. Topping the charts with a great deed will pay off for years to come
Nope, not true! You have to act as if each deed scores only one point no matter how big or small. Continually focusing your efforts on her is a discipline you must master.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Her "List"
In our guide we refer to the idea that your wife has on file in her head a "list" of previous screw-ups and hurts you have caused her. The specific term of list might not be exactly right but it is certainly how we men experience it. Let me explain.
Women, though many are powerful, most often experience themselves and their state as "prey." This is a result of being objectified, ogled, groped and (statistics say 1 in 3) raped. Their bodies, boobs and buttocks are under scrutiny, or paraded on the catwalk at all times. And we men more often than not see a woman's body before we see her personality. That is threatening to most women. As a result, women rightfully fear for their safety. They - perhaps not consciously - must constantly be evaluating if they are safe in this or that situation - your marriage being one of them. 
Thus when we inevitably cause a hurt or safety concerns it triggers up this memory of other hurts you (or perhaps even other men before you) have caused. This memory, let's call it the "safety file," is coded by type and severity. (Remember we are dealing with women who can distinguish and name twelve different hues of blue! They are gatherers, not hunters, who can determine exactly when the berry is the ripest.) Thus when you create a big hurt the big memories come out and often lesser demeanors will trigger off lower level memories of the same genre.
Thus when we inevitably cause a hurt or safety concerns it triggers up this memory of other hurts you (or perhaps even other men before you) have caused. This memory, let's call it the "safety file," is coded by type and severity. (Remember we are dealing with women who can distinguish and name twelve different hues of blue! They are gatherers, not hunters, who can determine exactly when the berry is the ripest.) Thus when you create a big hurt the big memories come out and often lesser demeanors will trigger off lower level memories of the same genre.Whatever the case, this list is not something that she is holding onto to bludgeon you with at the right time. It is more like what Eckhart Tolle calls "the pain body" of her ego. It is stored memory of hurt and safety issues and each successive instance is compared with and added to that body of evidence. There is nothing you can do to change that. All you can and must do is, knowing that your wife experiences life as a safety issue, continually do whatever you can to make her life safe and her world as protective. The more you do the better she can fully blossom as her beautifully feminine self.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Viva Las Vegas!
A week ago the Married Man's Survival Guide went to its coming out party on the strip in Vegas. As we started our abbreviated workshop on understanding the Relationship Equity Account, we asked the room full of men to state their name and number of years of successful marriage in their current relationship. To our delight, there were over a dozen men with a quarter of a century or more of success! To these masters we granted the authority to interrupt us at any point in the session to correct or comment. We were only reporters passing on things that they and others like them had taught us!
At one point in the session, an elder gentleman wanted to make a comment - to correct us on an assertion we had been making. While he was our senior and deserving of our respect, I remembered his introduction and that he hadn't been one of the masters - in fact he had only 3 years of marriage currently under way. So we suggested that he phrase his comment as a question and ask the masters in the room. Not surprisingly, all of them essentially shut him down and said that it would not be a good idea. What he was suggesting is not important, but what is important is that we all are always well advised when we go first to the masters.
If you want to get good at something, find those who do it well and imitate them. Kind of what Napoleon Hill said in Think and Grow Rich.
Post Script: On the plane out I sat next to a couple who had been married for 59 years! (thank you, God!) They were holding hands and touching each other rather unconsciously most of the trip. And so when Mrs. D got up for a bathroom break, I leaned over and asked Karl, "So tell me, what is the secret to your success?" His answers could have come straight from the MMSG text, except for one we hadn't yet collected. With a smile he said, "sleep naked!"
I love it!
At one point in the session, an elder gentleman wanted to make a comment - to correct us on an assertion we had been making. While he was our senior and deserving of our respect, I remembered his introduction and that he hadn't been one of the masters - in fact he had only 3 years of marriage currently under way. So we suggested that he phrase his comment as a question and ask the masters in the room. Not surprisingly, all of them essentially shut him down and said that it would not be a good idea. What he was suggesting is not important, but what is important is that we all are always well advised when we go first to the masters.
If you want to get good at something, find those who do it well and imitate them. Kind of what Napoleon Hill said in Think and Grow Rich.
Post Script: On the plane out I sat next to a couple who had been married for 59 years! (thank you, God!) They were holding hands and touching each other rather unconsciously most of the trip. And so when Mrs. D got up for a bathroom break, I leaned over and asked Karl, "So tell me, what is the secret to your success?" His answers could have come straight from the MMSG text, except for one we hadn't yet collected. With a smile he said, "sleep naked!"
I love it!
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