As men we must become anger specialists! Anything we do not take on as a discipline has the potential of owning us in the long run and anger/rage is the worst offender. Because of our genetic inheritance (we inherited 200,000 years worth of genes passed on by the killers and winners of mankind's violent warring tribes) we are capable of quite a lot of damage - and anything done or said out of rage will only cause more harm. Thus there are a few steps we need to learn to take when we get angry or enraged (not miffed or ticked off - red-faced angry!) We suggest these steps to transform our anger into useful energy.
1. Recognize whose anger you are feeling (yours! YOU are angry so YOU have to deal with this within yourself).
2. Withdraw (remember anything you do right now causes damage). Say something like, "I'm feeling really angry right now and I need to deal with that." (She will want to talk about it - that is what women do - so don't go there. Just say "not now" and leave.)
3. Embrace your anger (like we do when another man is raging we let him rage into our arms). Do not deny it or make it bad. Anger is a messenger - don't kill the messenger.
3a. You might want to hit, break or punch something but be careful how often you are inclined to do this as it serves as more training in violence and one day it could come out in the wrong place.
4. Inspect your anger - let it "speak" to you. Are you angry because of what she did? If so why did you choose anger as your response? It might not be because of what she did, but because of what you thought she SHOULD do (or not do as the case may be). Then what is that belief - in you - that fired up your anger. Usually this is a set or series of "if-then" beliefs each of which makes the scene progressively worse. It is like a ladder that takes our rage higher with each rung.
5. Identify the rungs of the ladder ("if she thinks that, then it means suchandso, and if that is the case...") and step back down one rung at a time. Ask yourself, "What is the false belief?" "What am I really afraid of?" These are just two of the four questions of the Fourth Step in the 12-step AA inventory and we heartily recommend the 4th step analysis here.
6. Once your rage is down to the appropriate level of anger or disappointment (it is not your goal to rid yourself of all anger, but just to get to a level of functionality) then go back to you wife and tell her that you were angry and that you were suffering as a result, but that that you can talk, you want her help with what you discovered. This is the hard part - you must not blame her for any part of what you are dealing with! In stead, identify your mistakes or your errant beliefs that resulted in you coping such a severe attitude. This works not only for you but for her as well.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
The Challenging Life
If memory serves me, the first line of M Scott Peck's classic, The Road Less Traveled, is "Life is difficult." Truth be told, life is challenging and should not be thought of otherwise. But these difficulties and challenges are not meant to sink us. Rather, they are what shapes and molds us into the powerful men we are meant to be.
However, somewhere along the line, someone made up this crazy idea that you "deserve" a comfortable life of leisure! And it is this false belief that causes us the real pain - not the difficulties themselves. Imagine that you believed that the rules of pro football were that each team took turns moving the ball down the field with a variety of cool moves and that the other team's job was to conveniently step aside and help create the beauty of their execution. Were that your belief, you would be shocked and even angered when an opposing linebacker leveled the receiver with a bone-crunching tackle!
But we all cheer such game day opposition - because those are the real rules. If we assume the same to be the rules of life (that the opposition is there to make us better) then we might get up from each hit, straighten our pads and run back to the huddle for the next play. Well, life is like that. It's game day every day, fellas, and this is the NFL! So suit up, get out there and leave it all on the field! Or as my coach used to say, "Suck it up, princess!"
However, somewhere along the line, someone made up this crazy idea that you "deserve" a comfortable life of leisure! And it is this false belief that causes us the real pain - not the difficulties themselves. Imagine that you believed that the rules of pro football were that each team took turns moving the ball down the field with a variety of cool moves and that the other team's job was to conveniently step aside and help create the beauty of their execution. Were that your belief, you would be shocked and even angered when an opposing linebacker leveled the receiver with a bone-crunching tackle!
But we all cheer such game day opposition - because those are the real rules. If we assume the same to be the rules of life (that the opposition is there to make us better) then we might get up from each hit, straighten our pads and run back to the huddle for the next play. Well, life is like that. It's game day every day, fellas, and this is the NFL! So suit up, get out there and leave it all on the field! Or as my coach used to say, "Suck it up, princess!"
Friday, November 27, 2009
What Men Might Want for Gifts (Advice for WOMEN!)
Well come over here young lady and sit on Santy’s lap. What’s that you say; you want to know what men want for the Holidays? Well, well, let me think…
While we are, on many levels fairly simple as men, men tend to be a little difficult to figure out when it comes to gift giving. You see, I believe what my friend Justin says about men is pretty true: it’s not that most men just don’t like to shop, it's just that most men don’t know what they would want beyond the four or five big toys they could name. After that they pretty much don’t care. They might just as well give their money over to their wife or buy their kids something cool. So assuming you are not in the market for one of his “big five” trophies, what can you do? The following, though not specific as to the items themselves, is our advice for gift-giving. There are no guarantees that your man’s gift is listed below or that he fits any of the categories, but we think we may have covered some of the bases.
Give the gift that keeps on giving. Utility is a high value for men so a gift’s usefulness carries a high regenerative point yield. Each time he uses your gift it feels good (it scores points). He may forget where or from whom the gift came, but the happiness it generates lives on well beyond the appearance of paint stains, scratches and dings the gift might garner over time. Like a good championship sweatshirt that imbues the wearer with that same high he felt at the final buzzer, the final out, or the last whistle, a highly usable tool, ladder, shopvac or belt sander lives on and on. Try tools like the standard fare (box wrenches, new screwdrivers – both kinds) or electrical gadgets like sanders that get in the corner, or a Dremel kit, which any man would love but never buy out of need. As for the ultimate man-tool, a sawsall wins, hands down (ask around for the best brands but we like Makita)!
Let’s get the clothing thing out of the way- OK? Look, unless your guy is in one of those few remaining professions where he has to dress up (banker, lawyer, clothing salesman), clothing pretty much follows the utility rule. Socks and underwear are purchased when their predecessors wear through. But holes do not mean “worn out,” they are a sign of love! Jeans, sweats, tees and flannel shirts can be purchased, but they will often find their place in the bottom of the drawer or the back hanger in the closet until the “loved one” falls apart, and then, your man is likely to forget that the gift was waiting at the bottom, and zoom out to the nearest WalMart to get a new replacement whatever. Don’t get attached to results from clothing gifts – you’re not likely to get a “gee, honey, it’s just what I wanted!”
The thing he would never think of. Before I start, let me just say that the words male, spa and facial, have, to the best of our knowledge, never been found in the same sentence. So don’t even go there. But a survey of the men came up with a soup-to-nuts scatter gram of items that might map out some options for you. Check these out as examples of way-out gifts: A nicely hand-carved walking stick; a rare crystal, polished nautilus or fossil mounted and framed; a portable GPS; an iPhone (like who wouldn’t love one); a book of 1001 places to see before you die (many versions like geological wonders, best places, natural wonders, etc) – I recently got one of those and, with it and my Google Earth, I can Walter Mitty myself into oblivion!
Mistletoe schmistletoe. Hey, let’s face it, any occasion can be dressed up as an opportunity for romance (male translation: eroticism). It is one of the main differences between your gender and ours, you know. We are “on” at all times. The function of testosterone can result in our looking at an angel and thinking “hey, she’s pretty cute!” So aside from the Pagan tradition of hanging Mistletoe on the doorway, why not try dressing something else up – you – like really dressing up. Do you know that we love to see you dressed up too? A well-spent hundred on a low-cut evening gown, a velveteen skirt and silk blouse in holiday colors, make up and perfume IS actually a wonderful gift for us. Place a bow on your wrist and wait under the tree!
It may be rare for a man to say “do you know what I want for Christmas/Hanukah?” Most men we know, when faced with a want, are programmed to go out and get it - immediately. As a result we don’t walk around with a handy “wish list” – sorry! So we weren’t able to get much to help you. But if you want to know the truth, it is this: This is the season of intention. What matters is not what you give, it is simply that you give and particularly how you give. Heck, you could give us a rock, but if you did it with love and gratitude we would probably place it on the mantle right next to our most valued trophy and cherished treasure. What’s that thing they say? It’s the thought that counts! Happy Holidays!
While we are, on many levels fairly simple as men, men tend to be a little difficult to figure out when it comes to gift giving. You see, I believe what my friend Justin says about men is pretty true: it’s not that most men just don’t like to shop, it's just that most men don’t know what they would want beyond the four or five big toys they could name. After that they pretty much don’t care. They might just as well give their money over to their wife or buy their kids something cool. So assuming you are not in the market for one of his “big five” trophies, what can you do? The following, though not specific as to the items themselves, is our advice for gift-giving. There are no guarantees that your man’s gift is listed below or that he fits any of the categories, but we think we may have covered some of the bases.
Give the gift that keeps on giving. Utility is a high value for men so a gift’s usefulness carries a high regenerative point yield. Each time he uses your gift it feels good (it scores points). He may forget where or from whom the gift came, but the happiness it generates lives on well beyond the appearance of paint stains, scratches and dings the gift might garner over time. Like a good championship sweatshirt that imbues the wearer with that same high he felt at the final buzzer, the final out, or the last whistle, a highly usable tool, ladder, shopvac or belt sander lives on and on. Try tools like the standard fare (box wrenches, new screwdrivers – both kinds) or electrical gadgets like sanders that get in the corner, or a Dremel kit, which any man would love but never buy out of need. As for the ultimate man-tool, a sawsall wins, hands down (ask around for the best brands but we like Makita)!
Let’s get the clothing thing out of the way- OK? Look, unless your guy is in one of those few remaining professions where he has to dress up (banker, lawyer, clothing salesman), clothing pretty much follows the utility rule. Socks and underwear are purchased when their predecessors wear through. But holes do not mean “worn out,” they are a sign of love! Jeans, sweats, tees and flannel shirts can be purchased, but they will often find their place in the bottom of the drawer or the back hanger in the closet until the “loved one” falls apart, and then, your man is likely to forget that the gift was waiting at the bottom, and zoom out to the nearest WalMart to get a new replacement whatever. Don’t get attached to results from clothing gifts – you’re not likely to get a “gee, honey, it’s just what I wanted!”
The thing he would never think of. Before I start, let me just say that the words male, spa and facial, have, to the best of our knowledge, never been found in the same sentence. So don’t even go there. But a survey of the men came up with a soup-to-nuts scatter gram of items that might map out some options for you. Check these out as examples of way-out gifts: A nicely hand-carved walking stick; a rare crystal, polished nautilus or fossil mounted and framed; a portable GPS; an iPhone (like who wouldn’t love one); a book of 1001 places to see before you die (many versions like geological wonders, best places, natural wonders, etc) – I recently got one of those and, with it and my Google Earth, I can Walter Mitty myself into oblivion!
Mistletoe schmistletoe. Hey, let’s face it, any occasion can be dressed up as an opportunity for romance (male translation: eroticism). It is one of the main differences between your gender and ours, you know. We are “on” at all times. The function of testosterone can result in our looking at an angel and thinking “hey, she’s pretty cute!” So aside from the Pagan tradition of hanging Mistletoe on the doorway, why not try dressing something else up – you – like really dressing up. Do you know that we love to see you dressed up too? A well-spent hundred on a low-cut evening gown, a velveteen skirt and silk blouse in holiday colors, make up and perfume IS actually a wonderful gift for us. Place a bow on your wrist and wait under the tree!
It may be rare for a man to say “do you know what I want for Christmas/Hanukah?” Most men we know, when faced with a want, are programmed to go out and get it - immediately. As a result we don’t walk around with a handy “wish list” – sorry! So we weren’t able to get much to help you. But if you want to know the truth, it is this: This is the season of intention. What matters is not what you give, it is simply that you give and particularly how you give. Heck, you could give us a rock, but if you did it with love and gratitude we would probably place it on the mantle right next to our most valued trophy and cherished treasure. What’s that thing they say? It’s the thought that counts! Happy Holidays!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
The 10 Great Non-Truths About Marriage Success
These aren't outright lies - they just are not true, and believing them to be true misleads us.
1. Men have no relationship skills
Flat out wrong! Men may have different ways of relating, a different set of emotions and a different vocabulary about those emotions. But men can and do develop the skills of relating and relationship.
2. You need to learn to be a better communicator
False! Some men (and women) are not really good communicators; that is true. But you do not need to learn to be a better communicator, just a better listener.
3. Time heals all wounds
False! Wounds fester and rot if not treated, and she still will keep it on the list of all the things that hurt her or otherwise threatened her safety unless you work to heal it with her.
4. There is a right way to communicate and a right way to be in relationship with women
False! There are as many ways as there are people in them. The task you face is bringing 100% your authentic self to the relationship.
5. A perfect marriage is one that is harmonious and has no problems
False! A perfect marriage is one that can work out differences, problems and misunderstandings. Knowing how to start, how to stop or take a time out and how to stay in there when the going gets tough are the most critical skills.
6. Both partners have to work equally on the relationship
Wrong! Your marriage success is entirely dependant on you and how you show up. Show up like a whining little boy and you suck the life away; show up like a powerhouse and you become the solid foundation of the whole relationship. Believing it's her job or even half hers, permits you to slack off your duty!
7. Sex is the barometer of marriage health
False! While it is true that a damaged marriage might experience diminished sex, it is not a universal truth, and the inverse belief that sex will make a dysfunctional and damaged relationship better is erroneous.
8. Women are fickle and self-serving
False! Women make decisions more on how they feel about the options at any given moment. Part of what drives that is their fear, vulnerability and their need for safety. Understand how she feels, and you will know where she stands.
9. It would be good to get coaching from other married women on what works
False! You do not think like a woman and as a result would try to morph yourself into what you think they are saying. The best advice comes from successful men.
10. Topping the charts with a great deed will pay off for years to come
Nope, not true! You have to act as if each deed scores only one point no matter how big or small. Continually focusing your efforts on her is a discipline you must master.
1. Men have no relationship skills
Flat out wrong! Men may have different ways of relating, a different set of emotions and a different vocabulary about those emotions. But men can and do develop the skills of relating and relationship.
2. You need to learn to be a better communicator
False! Some men (and women) are not really good communicators; that is true. But you do not need to learn to be a better communicator, just a better listener.
3. Time heals all wounds
False! Wounds fester and rot if not treated, and she still will keep it on the list of all the things that hurt her or otherwise threatened her safety unless you work to heal it with her.
4. There is a right way to communicate and a right way to be in relationship with women
False! There are as many ways as there are people in them. The task you face is bringing 100% your authentic self to the relationship.
5. A perfect marriage is one that is harmonious and has no problems
False! A perfect marriage is one that can work out differences, problems and misunderstandings. Knowing how to start, how to stop or take a time out and how to stay in there when the going gets tough are the most critical skills.
6. Both partners have to work equally on the relationship
Wrong! Your marriage success is entirely dependant on you and how you show up. Show up like a whining little boy and you suck the life away; show up like a powerhouse and you become the solid foundation of the whole relationship. Believing it's her job or even half hers, permits you to slack off your duty!
7. Sex is the barometer of marriage health
False! While it is true that a damaged marriage might experience diminished sex, it is not a universal truth, and the inverse belief that sex will make a dysfunctional and damaged relationship better is erroneous.
8. Women are fickle and self-serving
False! Women make decisions more on how they feel about the options at any given moment. Part of what drives that is their fear, vulnerability and their need for safety. Understand how she feels, and you will know where she stands.
9. It would be good to get coaching from other married women on what works
False! You do not think like a woman and as a result would try to morph yourself into what you think they are saying. The best advice comes from successful men.
10. Topping the charts with a great deed will pay off for years to come
Nope, not true! You have to act as if each deed scores only one point no matter how big or small. Continually focusing your efforts on her is a discipline you must master.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Her "List"
In our guide we refer to the idea that your wife has on file in her head a "list" of previous screw-ups and hurts you have caused her. The specific term of list might not be exactly right but it is certainly how we men experience it. Let me explain.
Women, though many are powerful, most often experience themselves and their state as "prey." This is a result of being objectified, ogled, groped and (statistics say 1 in 3) raped. Their bodies, boobs and buttocks are under scrutiny, or paraded on the catwalk at all times. And we men more often than not see a woman's body before we see her personality. That is threatening to most women. As a result, women rightfully fear for their safety. They - perhaps not consciously - must constantly be evaluating if they are safe in this or that situation - your marriage being one of them. 
Thus when we inevitably cause a hurt or safety concerns it triggers up this memory of other hurts you (or perhaps even other men before you) have caused. This memory, let's call it the "safety file," is coded by type and severity. (Remember we are dealing with women who can distinguish and name twelve different hues of blue! They are gatherers, not hunters, who can determine exactly when the berry is the ripest.) Thus when you create a big hurt the big memories come out and often lesser demeanors will trigger off lower level memories of the same genre.
Thus when we inevitably cause a hurt or safety concerns it triggers up this memory of other hurts you (or perhaps even other men before you) have caused. This memory, let's call it the "safety file," is coded by type and severity. (Remember we are dealing with women who can distinguish and name twelve different hues of blue! They are gatherers, not hunters, who can determine exactly when the berry is the ripest.) Thus when you create a big hurt the big memories come out and often lesser demeanors will trigger off lower level memories of the same genre.Whatever the case, this list is not something that she is holding onto to bludgeon you with at the right time. It is more like what Eckhart Tolle calls "the pain body" of her ego. It is stored memory of hurt and safety issues and each successive instance is compared with and added to that body of evidence. There is nothing you can do to change that. All you can and must do is, knowing that your wife experiences life as a safety issue, continually do whatever you can to make her life safe and her world as protective. The more you do the better she can fully blossom as her beautifully feminine self.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Viva Las Vegas!
A week ago the Married Man's Survival Guide went to its coming out party on the strip in Vegas. As we started our abbreviated workshop on understanding the Relationship Equity Account, we asked the room full of men to state their name and number of years of successful marriage in their current relationship. To our delight, there were over a dozen men with a quarter of a century or more of success! To these masters we granted the authority to interrupt us at any point in the session to correct or comment. We were only reporters passing on things that they and others like them had taught us!
At one point in the session, an elder gentleman wanted to make a comment - to correct us on an assertion we had been making. While he was our senior and deserving of our respect, I remembered his introduction and that he hadn't been one of the masters - in fact he had only 3 years of marriage currently under way. So we suggested that he phrase his comment as a question and ask the masters in the room. Not surprisingly, all of them essentially shut him down and said that it would not be a good idea. What he was suggesting is not important, but what is important is that we all are always well advised when we go first to the masters.
If you want to get good at something, find those who do it well and imitate them. Kind of what Napoleon Hill said in Think and Grow Rich.
Post Script: On the plane out I sat next to a couple who had been married for 59 years! (thank you, God!) They were holding hands and touching each other rather unconsciously most of the trip. And so when Mrs. D got up for a bathroom break, I leaned over and asked Karl, "So tell me, what is the secret to your success?" His answers could have come straight from the MMSG text, except for one we hadn't yet collected. With a smile he said, "sleep naked!"
I love it!
At one point in the session, an elder gentleman wanted to make a comment - to correct us on an assertion we had been making. While he was our senior and deserving of our respect, I remembered his introduction and that he hadn't been one of the masters - in fact he had only 3 years of marriage currently under way. So we suggested that he phrase his comment as a question and ask the masters in the room. Not surprisingly, all of them essentially shut him down and said that it would not be a good idea. What he was suggesting is not important, but what is important is that we all are always well advised when we go first to the masters.
If you want to get good at something, find those who do it well and imitate them. Kind of what Napoleon Hill said in Think and Grow Rich.
Post Script: On the plane out I sat next to a couple who had been married for 59 years! (thank you, God!) They were holding hands and touching each other rather unconsciously most of the trip. And so when Mrs. D got up for a bathroom break, I leaned over and asked Karl, "So tell me, what is the secret to your success?" His answers could have come straight from the MMSG text, except for one we hadn't yet collected. With a smile he said, "sleep naked!"
I love it!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Amazing Dating Advice!
This post comes to you from Wayne Levine - Author of Hold On To Your NUTs and leader/founder of BetterMen. Check out his website at BetterMen.org - The following is a direct lift of Wayne's post - we could not have said it any better! Rock on, Wayne!
Amazing Dating Advice!
Be the man you want to be, and you'll get the woman you're meant to be with. That's it.
Oh, you were expecting more? Some techniques to manipulate her into liking you even though you're not too crazy about yourself? Perhaps some strategic maneuver to trick her into thinking that you're more successful--or more handsome--than you really are? Or did you expect some infomercial-king-style-of-advice that would help you score with the babes, despite the fact that you're terrified to meet women? Might we be looking at a "mommy" issue?
Am I making my point? The dating advice available--and purchased so enthusiastically by the unsuspecting--is mostly garbage. Why should dating require anything less than the other significant challenges in your life? If being the man you want to be is the foundation of being successful in your career, in your marriage, and as a father, doesn't it make sense that to be successful in dating, you ought to have a handle on being that better man? That's where the work is. Be a man you're proud to be. Have integrity. Exercise. Eat well. Have other men in your life who will help you to grow up and be that man. When you feel good about you, when you feel successful, that's what the women will see.
And by the way, unless you're a kid (young or old) who just wants to get laid, what most men are looking for is one good woman. That's all...one! The odds are in your favor, even without the breakthrough techniques available to you...if you order now! So rather than focusing so much energy on how to "not be yourself" in order to attract women, start focusing inside to be the very best man you are. The source of your power is not out there. It's an inside job. And when you've done a good job, inside, opportunity will start knocking. And she'll be just perfect for you.
Amazing Dating Advice!
Be the man you want to be, and you'll get the woman you're meant to be with. That's it.
Oh, you were expecting more? Some techniques to manipulate her into liking you even though you're not too crazy about yourself? Perhaps some strategic maneuver to trick her into thinking that you're more successful--or more handsome--than you really are? Or did you expect some infomercial-king-style-of-advice that would help you score with the babes, despite the fact that you're terrified to meet women? Might we be looking at a "mommy" issue?
Am I making my point? The dating advice available--and purchased so enthusiastically by the unsuspecting--is mostly garbage. Why should dating require anything less than the other significant challenges in your life? If being the man you want to be is the foundation of being successful in your career, in your marriage, and as a father, doesn't it make sense that to be successful in dating, you ought to have a handle on being that better man? That's where the work is. Be a man you're proud to be. Have integrity. Exercise. Eat well. Have other men in your life who will help you to grow up and be that man. When you feel good about you, when you feel successful, that's what the women will see.
And by the way, unless you're a kid (young or old) who just wants to get laid, what most men are looking for is one good woman. That's all...one! The odds are in your favor, even without the breakthrough techniques available to you...if you order now! So rather than focusing so much energy on how to "not be yourself" in order to attract women, start focusing inside to be the very best man you are. The source of your power is not out there. It's an inside job. And when you've done a good job, inside, opportunity will start knocking. And she'll be just perfect for you.
Vegas Bound
This Friday we are headed to Las Vegas to present a snippet of the MMSG at a Men's Conference. It's a topic called the Relationship Equity Account and pretty much the thing that started this venture into writing the book and spreading the word on how to be the best man in your marriage.
The REA revolves around continually doing things for your woman aimed solely at making her smile and feel happy and cared for. You must do these for no other reason (see the post on Loving Her For Free, August 27). Though you will benefit from what you end up doing - in many, many ways, you cannot do them for the purpose of benefit. That is a withdrawal from the account. These are deposits. Or maybe think of them as paying the utility bill. If you don't pay, the lights are shut off - that simple.
The REA is based on the principle that no matter what you do or how big or expensive it was, it nets you one point. Conversely, however, your errors, omissions, and failures are variably weighted and can be intensified by her current mood. A nasty screw-up on the day when she is cranked at you can result in hundreds of negative points - withdrawals from the account. Get in the habit of regular deposits, multiple times daily. It pays off in the long run.
We are really looking forward to the exercise and conversations we'll be having in Vegas - hope to see you there.
The REA revolves around continually doing things for your woman aimed solely at making her smile and feel happy and cared for. You must do these for no other reason (see the post on Loving Her For Free, August 27). Though you will benefit from what you end up doing - in many, many ways, you cannot do them for the purpose of benefit. That is a withdrawal from the account. These are deposits. Or maybe think of them as paying the utility bill. If you don't pay, the lights are shut off - that simple.
The REA is based on the principle that no matter what you do or how big or expensive it was, it nets you one point. Conversely, however, your errors, omissions, and failures are variably weighted and can be intensified by her current mood. A nasty screw-up on the day when she is cranked at you can result in hundreds of negative points - withdrawals from the account. Get in the habit of regular deposits, multiple times daily. It pays off in the long run.
We are really looking forward to the exercise and conversations we'll be having in Vegas - hope to see you there.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Wisdom of Richard Rohr
I get a daily meditation for Richard Rohr that often rocks me. Here is today's - straight and simple:
"The male psyche is normally fragile and insecure because it is based on overwhelmingly external and transitory criteria, a game which almost all men eventually lose. The poor male has to look good and he has to defend the honor of his bank account, his family, his race, his country, but all in reference to himself! His question is not allowed to be 'Who am I - really?', but only 'How do I look?'"
"That is precisely the opposite path from any authentic spirituality. Thus it was males who alone needed 'initiation' in most indigenous cultures" and, says Rohr, it is the spiritually enlightened men who consciously walk the other way. They don't have to look good.
"The male psyche is normally fragile and insecure because it is based on overwhelmingly external and transitory criteria, a game which almost all men eventually lose. The poor male has to look good and he has to defend the honor of his bank account, his family, his race, his country, but all in reference to himself! His question is not allowed to be 'Who am I - really?', but only 'How do I look?'"
"That is precisely the opposite path from any authentic spirituality. Thus it was males who alone needed 'initiation' in most indigenous cultures" and, says Rohr, it is the spiritually enlightened men who consciously walk the other way. They don't have to look good.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Fighting for Honor
The honor/shame struggle is central to the masculine experience. That we are always attempting to prove our honor and trustworthiness seems to be hard-wired into every male. Like abandonment is the central issue for women, honor and trust are critical to us men. And this is not new age 21st century revelation, mind you, it is as old as dirt.
Theologian Barbara Essex once wrote a book called Bad Boys of the Bible (curiously
omitting Bad Boy, King David) wherein she documents how far back our problems go. From the earliest of times, the honorable/shameful story of men has been been the making of the best stories. Even in the first biblical story Adam blames Eve, and their son Cain kills his brother Abel. Hey, we're doomed and condemned from that point on. But consider the biblical stories of Jacob (his wanting the only woman in the bible actually labeled as shapely - Rachel - and ending up having 11 other kids with her less than bodacious sister Leah) and David who screws around with Bathsheba so he has to have her husband killed to "legitimately" have her as a wife: now these guys were... were... what? Normal men? Bad influences? Great leaders and fathers of nations?
But the message we, who have heard these stories in Sunday School or Yeshiva, took on was that we must be guilty and shameful. We have learned through the stories of time that we are skirt-chasers, corruptible, and less-than-honorable scoundrels. So we have to be more honorable for our wives (who read and heard the same stories) today. Bullshit!
You do not have to prove your honor! You do not have to prove your masculinity! You do not have to make amends for historical man's wrong-doings! You have only to be you, to do the best you can at that game and bring that to each encounter you have. No one can make you honorable by awarding you some trophy! You do not have to doubt your masculinity or your value in the world. It was given to you at your birth. You are a man, and all you ever have to do is bring that unique brand of manhood to the party. You are welcomed in my circle any time.
And given what those guys did, I don't look so bad after all.
Theologian Barbara Essex once wrote a book called Bad Boys of the Bible (curiously
omitting Bad Boy, King David) wherein she documents how far back our problems go. From the earliest of times, the honorable/shameful story of men has been been the making of the best stories. Even in the first biblical story Adam blames Eve, and their son Cain kills his brother Abel. Hey, we're doomed and condemned from that point on. But consider the biblical stories of Jacob (his wanting the only woman in the bible actually labeled as shapely - Rachel - and ending up having 11 other kids with her less than bodacious sister Leah) and David who screws around with Bathsheba so he has to have her husband killed to "legitimately" have her as a wife: now these guys were... were... what? Normal men? Bad influences? Great leaders and fathers of nations?But the message we, who have heard these stories in Sunday School or Yeshiva, took on was that we must be guilty and shameful. We have learned through the stories of time that we are skirt-chasers, corruptible, and less-than-honorable scoundrels. So we have to be more honorable for our wives (who read and heard the same stories) today. Bullshit!
You do not have to prove your honor! You do not have to prove your masculinity! You do not have to make amends for historical man's wrong-doings! You have only to be you, to do the best you can at that game and bring that to each encounter you have. No one can make you honorable by awarding you some trophy! You do not have to doubt your masculinity or your value in the world. It was given to you at your birth. You are a man, and all you ever have to do is bring that unique brand of manhood to the party. You are welcomed in my circle any time.
And given what those guys did, I don't look so bad after all.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Excuses
Do you make excuses? For what?
Missing the anniversary? Late home from work? Your funk of a mood (she started it!)?
Well the problem with excuses is that they mean nothing and make no difference whatsoever. I catch my 11 year old son doing something that I need to correct and the first thing out of his mouth is an excuse. Actually, from his perspective it is his rationale for why it was the right and logical thing to be doing. So we could call excuses your rationale, and ask instead, "do you have a rationale for everything?"
Somewhere in this society, courtesy of someone (I'll blame a litigious bunch of lawyers with too much time and not enough cases), we got this strange idea that an excuse - a really good excuse - makes a difference. "See, what you have to understand is that blah blah..." No I do not have to understand. No results and a good story still equals no results. Late for dinner and a good reason is still late for dinner.
Wayne Levine, author of Hold On To Your N.U.T.s, calls it the voice of your little boy and says that as men we need to "silence the little boy." I could not agree more. When it comes to being in relationship, stories, rationale, good intentions and excuses just don't cut it. In truth they all kill relationship. Not cleanly like a slit throat, they kill relationships like a bad case of gangrene; smelling and rotting and poisoning the body until it can no longer function.
One of the best disciplines you can adopt to be successful in marriage is the elimination of excuses. Practice with your men's circle or team. Build a no tolerance, no excuse environment. Start and end on time, make hard and big commitments to each other and take a good look at what happens when there is zero tolerance for excuses. Not done is not done but you can see what happened more clearly. Now you are cooking!
Missing the anniversary? Late home from work? Your funk of a mood (she started it!)?
Well the problem with excuses is that they mean nothing and make no difference whatsoever. I catch my 11 year old son doing something that I need to correct and the first thing out of his mouth is an excuse. Actually, from his perspective it is his rationale for why it was the right and logical thing to be doing. So we could call excuses your rationale, and ask instead, "do you have a rationale for everything?"
Somewhere in this society, courtesy of someone (I'll blame a litigious bunch of lawyers with too much time and not enough cases), we got this strange idea that an excuse - a really good excuse - makes a difference. "See, what you have to understand is that blah blah..." No I do not have to understand. No results and a good story still equals no results. Late for dinner and a good reason is still late for dinner.
Wayne Levine, author of Hold On To Your N.U.T.s, calls it the voice of your little boy and says that as men we need to "silence the little boy." I could not agree more. When it comes to being in relationship, stories, rationale, good intentions and excuses just don't cut it. In truth they all kill relationship. Not cleanly like a slit throat, they kill relationships like a bad case of gangrene; smelling and rotting and poisoning the body until it can no longer function.
One of the best disciplines you can adopt to be successful in marriage is the elimination of excuses. Practice with your men's circle or team. Build a no tolerance, no excuse environment. Start and end on time, make hard and big commitments to each other and take a good look at what happens when there is zero tolerance for excuses. Not done is not done but you can see what happened more clearly. Now you are cooking!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Creating Intimacy
We have often heard the adage that men get to intimacy through sex and women get to sex through intimacy. The trouble with that is that most men hear that as a big problem - that is that they must learn how to be intimate. And the simple truth is that men have not been taught much about how to "be" intimate.
Well, relax because we would like to submit a different point of view. Both of the above statements are true, but what you may not understand from them is that while your learning how to be intimate might not be a bad idea, in practice you need only learn how to provide the space and conditions for your wife to become intimate. It is she who needs the intimacy in order to become sexually engaged. You can be ready anytime - that is not the issue.
So the question becomes: what are the things you can do to create a safe haven in which your woman can open up and become intimate. Many of these are discussed in the Survival Guide but until that gets in print, lets list a few: Your strength and protection are primary in this arena but not sufficient in and of themselves. You will need to practice focused (uninterrupted) attention and listening, deep listening - the kind that hears what she means not just what she says.
Look at the physical environment as well. Space and the absence of distractors also add to the intimacy factor. In all, check back a few posts to look at the Art of War conditions as ways that you can create intimacy (rightness of purpose, timing, resources and location, execution and follow-through).
But we would love to hear from you. What are the things you do to create intimacy for your wife? Add your comments below.
Well, relax because we would like to submit a different point of view. Both of the above statements are true, but what you may not understand from them is that while your learning how to be intimate might not be a bad idea, in practice you need only learn how to provide the space and conditions for your wife to become intimate. It is she who needs the intimacy in order to become sexually engaged. You can be ready anytime - that is not the issue.
So the question becomes: what are the things you can do to create a safe haven in which your woman can open up and become intimate. Many of these are discussed in the Survival Guide but until that gets in print, lets list a few: Your strength and protection are primary in this arena but not sufficient in and of themselves. You will need to practice focused (uninterrupted) attention and listening, deep listening - the kind that hears what she means not just what she says.
Look at the physical environment as well. Space and the absence of distractors also add to the intimacy factor. In all, check back a few posts to look at the Art of War conditions as ways that you can create intimacy (rightness of purpose, timing, resources and location, execution and follow-through).
But we would love to hear from you. What are the things you do to create intimacy for your wife? Add your comments below.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Why bad boy Bond will always get the girl
This is a piece we found by Fiona Macrae (accessed 8/9/09) which we thought you might find interesting!
It is something most nice guys have learned by bitter experience - bad boys tend to get the girls.
Now scientists have shown it really does pay to have a mean streak - with callous, self-obsessed, deceitful men proving the biggest hit with the ladies. Extensive studies show that women the world over find it hard to resist a cad.
The secret of his appeal, it seems, lies in three nasty personality traits said to be epitomised in James Bond. Licensed to thrill: Now scientists have revealed that women find it hard to resist callous, self-obsessed and deceitful men: The so-called 'dark triad'.
Unattractive as the combination might appear, women often equate it with masculinity - and the ability to father healthy children. As a result, those looking for the thrill of an affair, or hoping to become pregnant, are drawn to 'bad boys'. The men, in return, raise their chances of passing their genes on to the next generation.
Scientist Peter Jonason said James Bond is the perfect example of a ladykiller with a rather questionable personality. 'He's clearly disagreeable, very extroverted and likes trying new things. Mr Jonason, of
A second
But one possibility is that the strategy is most successful when dark triad personalities are rare. Otherwise others would become more wary and guarded and the strategy would backfire.
In any case, nice guys need not lose all hope. Dr Gayle Brewer, an evolutionary psychologist at the
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1027498/Why-bad-boy-Bond-girl.html#ixzz0NhCtNtAx
Saturday, August 22, 2009
And Baby Makes Three
One of the more significant changes in a marriage is the arrival of your little bundle of joy. For many men this signals the end of being the center of their wives' attention - as well it should be. Babies require not only a lot of attention, but are dependant on their moms for warmth and sustenance. But more importantly, a mother's experience seems best summed up in a saying I heard once: "The decision to have a child is to accept that forever your heart will walk around outside of your body" (K. Hadley).
Literally then the gestation and delivery of another life alters the entity formerly known as your wife. And while many men prepare in much the same way (I built something for each of my kids while they were cooking) it still is not the same, and bonding at birth and in early infancy only partially replicates what your wife has experienced. But this is not about her.
The shifting of focus that is experienced by many men is their fall from stardom. And the degree to which you are upset by that is the degree to which you had ascribed your self worth to your wife. This is extremely important to get - because percentage which you give away (ascribe to her) is then not available for you to bring to the marriage relationship. If you needed your wife to "make you whole" then you were not whole, and you were not giving her a complete and fully functioning husband. "Needing" your wife for your self definition is tantamount to always being needy.
Of course we all have "needs." But to burden your wife, or more accurately, your relationship with the task of providing for your needs is not only unfair, it is damaging. Recognizing your neediness and meeting those needs through your own resourcefulness, through direction your men's circle can provide, and through your spiritual connection with some source greater than you, is healthy and strengthening for the relationship.
The arrival of a baby is a miracle. But if you find yourself sulking in the corner thinking, "what about me?" then you would be well-served by looking inside and inspecting your neediness as a destructive burden on your marriage.
Literally then the gestation and delivery of another life alters the entity formerly known as your wife. And while many men prepare in much the same way (I built something for each of my kids while they were cooking) it still is not the same, and bonding at birth and in early infancy only partially replicates what your wife has experienced. But this is not about her.
The shifting of focus that is experienced by many men is their fall from stardom. And the degree to which you are upset by that is the degree to which you had ascribed your self worth to your wife. This is extremely important to get - because percentage which you give away (ascribe to her) is then not available for you to bring to the marriage relationship. If you needed your wife to "make you whole" then you were not whole, and you were not giving her a complete and fully functioning husband. "Needing" your wife for your self definition is tantamount to always being needy.
Of course we all have "needs." But to burden your wife, or more accurately, your relationship with the task of providing for your needs is not only unfair, it is damaging. Recognizing your neediness and meeting those needs through your own resourcefulness, through direction your men's circle can provide, and through your spiritual connection with some source greater than you, is healthy and strengthening for the relationship.
The arrival of a baby is a miracle. But if you find yourself sulking in the corner thinking, "what about me?" then you would be well-served by looking inside and inspecting your neediness as a destructive burden on your marriage.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
What is Your Wisdom?
We have been interviewing men who have been married to the sam woman for over 25 years as part of our information gathering for the book we are writing (A Married Man's Survival Guide). But we need more information.
What is your experience? If you have some significant years under your belt, we'd like to hear from you. If you would be so kind as to commont on this blog, give us some ideas on how YOU answer the following three questions:
What is the secret of your success together as a couple?
Do you have any regular things that you do to keep the marriage alive and healthy? If so, can you give us an example?
How do you deal with each other’s upsets and arguments?
As committed married men, we need to learn from each other and share with each other's success. Thanks
What is your experience? If you have some significant years under your belt, we'd like to hear from you. If you would be so kind as to commont on this blog, give us some ideas on how YOU answer the following three questions:
What is the secret of your success together as a couple?
Do you have any regular things that you do to keep the marriage alive and healthy? If so, can you give us an example?
How do you deal with each other’s upsets and arguments?
As committed married men, we need to learn from each other and share with each other's success. Thanks
Friday, August 14, 2009
“Balanced” Masculinity
There is some popular mythology about men needing to “embrace” their femininity in order to be balanced in relationship. We would like to suggest an alternative interpretation. But before we get there, we might submit that the stuff about embracing your femininity is the residual of the feminist movement of the 60’s and 70’s. During that time, as women took the stage and claimed their rights to be humans of equal stature to their male counterparts (and every bit of that is absolutely right on), it became more than unfashionable to be masculine. It became evil and wrong, and as a result men had to become feminized. Those who refused or couldn’t become sensitive new-aged guys, were labeled Neanderthals and Cretans. I remember learning that I must sit (I am too tall and therefore by my very being, I was seen as domineering) when I spoke to/with women.
But there is something missing in this discussion. We humans were made male and female by our maker (or by grand design or whatever you want to believe). We are males, through and through, and we do not have to pretend for a moment that we have some feminine aspects in order to be balanced and a healthy member of this relationship. The proof is right in front of you. Take a look at your genitals. There are two elements to male sexuality: one – the one we tend to over balance toward – is protruding, up and hard. In its essence, the penis is the “definition” of what we think it means to be male. You are designed as a heat-seeking missile, to seek out and thrust into the world around you. This element is strong and hard and powerful. BUT, there is another part to your genitalia – just below the power unit is a soft sac containing your most vulnerable element – the testes. Your testicles are the source of all creativity – the source of life (perhaps our female counterparts want us to forget that fact since they carry the resultant effect of our life-creating element). But they are quite soft, tender and in need of protection.
However we forget that we have this tenderness as well – until and unless we get a kick in the groin! Any of you who have had that life-altering experience know the sick-in-the-gut feeling of not taking care to protect your vulnerability. So you need to remember this – and it is the source of your ability to gain balance as a man. You are hard AND soft, giving AND receiving, penetrating AND able to be deeply wounded. Balanced masculinity is both and you need to know that in order to bring all of you into the relationship. Too much “dick” and you become a violent conqueror; a rapist loose in the world. You will seek and destroy. The balance our testicles remind us of is non-violence and peace seeking/peace making. But if we are all “nuts,” we appear to be effeminate and passive. You must be both in order to manifest your true masculinity in your relationship.
But there is something missing in this discussion. We humans were made male and female by our maker (or by grand design or whatever you want to believe). We are males, through and through, and we do not have to pretend for a moment that we have some feminine aspects in order to be balanced and a healthy member of this relationship. The proof is right in front of you. Take a look at your genitals. There are two elements to male sexuality: one – the one we tend to over balance toward – is protruding, up and hard. In its essence, the penis is the “definition” of what we think it means to be male. You are designed as a heat-seeking missile, to seek out and thrust into the world around you. This element is strong and hard and powerful. BUT, there is another part to your genitalia – just below the power unit is a soft sac containing your most vulnerable element – the testes. Your testicles are the source of all creativity – the source of life (perhaps our female counterparts want us to forget that fact since they carry the resultant effect of our life-creating element). But they are quite soft, tender and in need of protection.
However we forget that we have this tenderness as well – until and unless we get a kick in the groin! Any of you who have had that life-altering experience know the sick-in-the-gut feeling of not taking care to protect your vulnerability. So you need to remember this – and it is the source of your ability to gain balance as a man. You are hard AND soft, giving AND receiving, penetrating AND able to be deeply wounded. Balanced masculinity is both and you need to know that in order to bring all of you into the relationship. Too much “dick” and you become a violent conqueror; a rapist loose in the world. You will seek and destroy. The balance our testicles remind us of is non-violence and peace seeking/peace making. But if we are all “nuts,” we appear to be effeminate and passive. You must be both in order to manifest your true masculinity in your relationship.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Sun Tzu and The Art of War (part 5)
You may wonder why we chose to write about the “art of war” in this a blog on relationship success. The simple truth is that men can relate to warring and battles. In addition, we need to recognize that for over 2,500 years Sun Tzu’s The Art of War has stood as one of the most circulated and universally used piece of “relationship” wisdom on the planet. This is the fifth and final entry in a series of postings based on Master Sun’s craft of engaging with others for successful resolution of conflicts.
Fa (managing execution). Fa, pronounced like the first sound in ‘follow-through,” is the final critical component of the art of relationship (or the Art of War). Managing the execution is essential in managing her understanding of who you really are. If you say “sure, I’ll take out the trash,” then by all means do it – now – not later. Be your words! She will know what you really are by what you do not by what you say. We always tell our men, if you want to know what a man really believes look at where his feet are! Don’t tell me that your family is important if you are continually at the office at 7 an 8 every night!
This means knowing what your priorities are and acting accordingly. Fa is all about taking the right action. An old Chinese proverb says, “Many a man’s house has burned to the ground while the owner chased after the arsonist!” Who cares who is to blame. Act and follow through on your actions and commitments. Do everything you do all the way to the end, completing the task. How many half finished projects are cluttering up your house and your relationship? How many promises have you not fulfilled? It may be time to sit down and make a list, committing to knock of one thing each week.
Fa (managing execution). Fa, pronounced like the first sound in ‘follow-through,” is the final critical component of the art of relationship (or the Art of War). Managing the execution is essential in managing her understanding of who you really are. If you say “sure, I’ll take out the trash,” then by all means do it – now – not later. Be your words! She will know what you really are by what you do not by what you say. We always tell our men, if you want to know what a man really believes look at where his feet are! Don’t tell me that your family is important if you are continually at the office at 7 an 8 every night!
This means knowing what your priorities are and acting accordingly. Fa is all about taking the right action. An old Chinese proverb says, “Many a man’s house has burned to the ground while the owner chased after the arsonist!” Who cares who is to blame. Act and follow through on your actions and commitments. Do everything you do all the way to the end, completing the task. How many half finished projects are cluttering up your house and your relationship? How many promises have you not fulfilled? It may be time to sit down and make a list, committing to knock of one thing each week.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
The Art of War (part 4)
You may wonder why we chose to write about the “art of war” in this a blog on relationship success. The simple truth is that men can relate to warring and battles. In addition, we need to recognize that for over 2,500 years Sun Tzu’s The Art of War has stood as one of the most circulated and universally used piece of “relationship” wisdom on the planet. This is the fourth in a series of postings based on Master Sun’s craft of engaging with others for successful resolution of conflicts.
Jing. One of the most referred-to and yet misunderstood of Master Sun’s principles is Jing or Leadership. How well are you leading in this relationship? Believe it of not, your wife wants your leadership – she really wants to know where you want to take it, so that she will be able to work her relationship magic in making it happen. However this is not an invitation to have it your way. In Sun Tzu’s world a leader was the one who lead through the will of the people. As his contemporary, simply referred to as the Old Man (the literal translation of Lao Tzu, the author of the Tao de Ching) said, “the greatest leader is the one of whom the people said, ‘we did it ourselves.’”
Sun Tzu says that a leader must be wise, trustful, benevolent, courageous and disciplined. That’s a tall order. You need to step up to the plate in leading this family, but it is not a matter of authoritative leadership, just as much as it is not a suggestion to lead by example. It is the way in which you decide, the evidence that you are always moving from and for the common good of the family that will give her a sense of your leadership. Take the lead, and take it clearly and powerfully, but take it with all humility and generosity you can muster. It may be better not to take the lead than to barge ahead unthinkingly, or to make a waffling decision. And in all of your leadership, you must be disciplined; a state that requires your constant training and shaping of your will and your being.
Jing. One of the most referred-to and yet misunderstood of Master Sun’s principles is Jing or Leadership. How well are you leading in this relationship? Believe it of not, your wife wants your leadership – she really wants to know where you want to take it, so that she will be able to work her relationship magic in making it happen. However this is not an invitation to have it your way. In Sun Tzu’s world a leader was the one who lead through the will of the people. As his contemporary, simply referred to as the Old Man (the literal translation of Lao Tzu, the author of the Tao de Ching) said, “the greatest leader is the one of whom the people said, ‘we did it ourselves.’”
Sun Tzu says that a leader must be wise, trustful, benevolent, courageous and disciplined. That’s a tall order. You need to step up to the plate in leading this family, but it is not a matter of authoritative leadership, just as much as it is not a suggestion to lead by example. It is the way in which you decide, the evidence that you are always moving from and for the common good of the family that will give her a sense of your leadership. Take the lead, and take it clearly and powerfully, but take it with all humility and generosity you can muster. It may be better not to take the lead than to barge ahead unthinkingly, or to make a waffling decision. And in all of your leadership, you must be disciplined; a state that requires your constant training and shaping of your will and your being.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Sun Tzu and The Art of War (part 3)
You may wonder why we chose to write about the “art of war” in this a blog on relationship success. The simple truth is that men can relate to warring and battles. In addition, we need to recognize that for over 2,500 years Sun Tzu’s The Art of War has stood as one of the most circulated and universally used piece of “relationship” wisdom on the planet. This is the third in a series of postings based on Master Sun’s craft of engaging with others for successful resolution of conflicts.
Di. The concept of Di (pronounced as dee) has to do with your resources. What personal and physical resources do you have at your disposal? Think of these as the tools in your toolbox. Some of you may be supremely articulate and capable of running circles around your wife in any battle of wits. Some of you are skilled with your hands or in physicality. Remember that each of these can and will be at times either assets or liabilities. Sun Tzu always pointed out that our goal is to be aware of that and turn our liabilities into assets.
But by resources, Sun also was referring to location and the lay of the land; prime considerations in planning battles. Do you have arguments in your bedroom or bathroom? Where is the neutral location in your home so that your wife does not feel trapped when “attacked” by you? It is as important to consider her sense of the location as well. If your objective is to subdue the enemy, that is one thing but if your righteous objective is sustaining the relationship, then be aware of the “lay of the land” when you choose to engage with her. Sometimes a surprise (amorous) attack in the kitchen produces a surprising result, and sometimes suggesting the use of some “toy,” hours into a passionate love-making session can instantly deflate her desire. Like Tien (timing), our resources are essential tools for success when used judiciously and in the proper fashion.
Di. The concept of Di (pronounced as dee) has to do with your resources. What personal and physical resources do you have at your disposal? Think of these as the tools in your toolbox. Some of you may be supremely articulate and capable of running circles around your wife in any battle of wits. Some of you are skilled with your hands or in physicality. Remember that each of these can and will be at times either assets or liabilities. Sun Tzu always pointed out that our goal is to be aware of that and turn our liabilities into assets.
But by resources, Sun also was referring to location and the lay of the land; prime considerations in planning battles. Do you have arguments in your bedroom or bathroom? Where is the neutral location in your home so that your wife does not feel trapped when “attacked” by you? It is as important to consider her sense of the location as well. If your objective is to subdue the enemy, that is one thing but if your righteous objective is sustaining the relationship, then be aware of the “lay of the land” when you choose to engage with her. Sometimes a surprise (amorous) attack in the kitchen produces a surprising result, and sometimes suggesting the use of some “toy,” hours into a passionate love-making session can instantly deflate her desire. Like Tien (timing), our resources are essential tools for success when used judiciously and in the proper fashion.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
The Art of War (part 2)
You may wonder why we chose to write about the “art of war” in this a blog on relationship success. The simple truth is that men can relate to warring and battles. In addition, we need to recognize that for over 2,500 years Sun Tzu’s The Art of War has stood as one of the most circulated and universally used piece of “relationship” wisdom on the planet. This is the second in a series of postings based on Master Sun’s craft of engaging with others for successful resolution of conflicts.
Tien. Timing, they say is everything. Or to quote Ecclesiastes, “To everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven.” In relationship, as in battle, timing makes all the difference between success and failure; between winning and losing. Master Sun taught that there are two kinds of tien, personal timing, and universal timing. Personal timing is your agenda – the idea that certain things should happen in a certain order or by a certain time in your life, or it is unacceptable. But universal timing is the natural rhythm and flow of all things. Sun Tzu says the goal is always to align your time to/with universal time and to be in harmony with the flow. If you are exerting effort in making your case or in pushing a cause, most likely you are out of sync with universal time.
In relationship this means that you need to exercise judgment when engaging with your spouse. There may be a particular issue you do need to bring up but knowing when to “pop the question” is critical. As always our egos can suck us into something that is best left to another time. You may have to ripen your thoughts before they are ready to harvest and other times you may want to just plant the seed for something to grow that may not even be ready in months. Sometimes it may be best in a heated discussion to lay out an idea but, allowing it time to peculate, not drive for the “close” at that time. Timing is everything.
Tien. Timing, they say is everything. Or to quote Ecclesiastes, “To everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven.” In relationship, as in battle, timing makes all the difference between success and failure; between winning and losing. Master Sun taught that there are two kinds of tien, personal timing, and universal timing. Personal timing is your agenda – the idea that certain things should happen in a certain order or by a certain time in your life, or it is unacceptable. But universal timing is the natural rhythm and flow of all things. Sun Tzu says the goal is always to align your time to/with universal time and to be in harmony with the flow. If you are exerting effort in making your case or in pushing a cause, most likely you are out of sync with universal time.
In relationship this means that you need to exercise judgment when engaging with your spouse. There may be a particular issue you do need to bring up but knowing when to “pop the question” is critical. As always our egos can suck us into something that is best left to another time. You may have to ripen your thoughts before they are ready to harvest and other times you may want to just plant the seed for something to grow that may not even be ready in months. Sometimes it may be best in a heated discussion to lay out an idea but, allowing it time to peculate, not drive for the “close” at that time. Timing is everything.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Sun Tzu and The Art of War
You may wonder why we chose to write about the “art of war” if this a blog on relationship success. The simple truth is that men can relate to warring and battles. In addition, we need to recognize that for over 2,500 years The Art of War has stood as one of the most circulated and universally used pieces of “relationship” wisdom on the planet. We would wager that you could go into the sales office of any major corporation in the country and find at least one copy of Master Sun’s wisdom on the shelf there. But the bottom line for us is that Sun Tzu was a master of the craft of engaging with others for the successful resolution of conflicts that had arisen between two people, two factions or two nations.
Master Sun laid out five principles in mastering these conflicts, which we will write about over the next several entries. They were: 1. Tao (righteousness or ethics), 2. Tien (timing), 3. Di (resources including location), 4. Jiang (leadership), and , 5. Fa (execution and follow-through). As a man in relationship, you would be well-advised to listen to the wisdom of this ancient master. Applied to the art of relating to your wife and winning the long-term engagement of marriage, there is much from which we could benefit.
Tao. The first and foremost principle of winning concerns righteousness, morals and ethics. You must always - in all aspects of your relationship with our wife - operate from a well-founded code of ethics. Ask yourself if you have a Code of Honor or a clearly defined set of moral principles at your foundation. If you cannot recite them – it is most likely that you do not. It is not sufficient to “think” that you have a moral underpinning. You need to know them, memorize them and act only from that base. The word Tao roughly translates in English as “the way.” It is used to refer to the way of heaven, the way of the universe and the nature of all things.
Embedded within this concept is a sense of the ultimate wholeness or oneness of all things. In Tao are both male and female, right and wrong, good and bad, real and imaginary. These things are inextricable from each other. There cannot be maleness without femininity. A good choice on one day may be wrong on another – both are contained in each other. It is for that reason that Sun Tzu built his leadership principles on the requirement of a strong moral ethic. He understood that this principle demanded that the leader inspect the current action in the context of the ultimate outcome. In your marriage, and in each encounter with your woman, you are challenged to ask yourself, “How righteous is my objective?” Is your action being driven by your ego or by your neediness? If so, just check it at the door when you come home – it has no place in your relationship.
Master Sun laid out five principles in mastering these conflicts, which we will write about over the next several entries. They were: 1. Tao (righteousness or ethics), 2. Tien (timing), 3. Di (resources including location), 4. Jiang (leadership), and , 5. Fa (execution and follow-through). As a man in relationship, you would be well-advised to listen to the wisdom of this ancient master. Applied to the art of relating to your wife and winning the long-term engagement of marriage, there is much from which we could benefit.
Tao. The first and foremost principle of winning concerns righteousness, morals and ethics. You must always - in all aspects of your relationship with our wife - operate from a well-founded code of ethics. Ask yourself if you have a Code of Honor or a clearly defined set of moral principles at your foundation. If you cannot recite them – it is most likely that you do not. It is not sufficient to “think” that you have a moral underpinning. You need to know them, memorize them and act only from that base. The word Tao roughly translates in English as “the way.” It is used to refer to the way of heaven, the way of the universe and the nature of all things.
Embedded within this concept is a sense of the ultimate wholeness or oneness of all things. In Tao are both male and female, right and wrong, good and bad, real and imaginary. These things are inextricable from each other. There cannot be maleness without femininity. A good choice on one day may be wrong on another – both are contained in each other. It is for that reason that Sun Tzu built his leadership principles on the requirement of a strong moral ethic. He understood that this principle demanded that the leader inspect the current action in the context of the ultimate outcome. In your marriage, and in each encounter with your woman, you are challenged to ask yourself, “How righteous is my objective?” Is your action being driven by your ego or by your neediness? If so, just check it at the door when you come home – it has no place in your relationship.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
The Perfect Marriage
There seems to be some myth in our society – long perpetuated by Disney or some TV channel – that the perfect marriage would be one of bliss and pure harmony. This myth would have us believe that two opposites perfectly complement each other and that the dynamic tension of yin and yang results in a complete whole that is perfect, stable and wondrous.
Poppycock!
As far as we can tell, there are two flaws with this myth:
- That when two come together in an effort to find their “completion” in the other, it is flawed to begin with. The only chance we have at having a healthy marriage is first to be complete and wholly self-sufficient from the start. Trying to build a marriage on the hopes that your other half will be all that you should be in the first place will place an unrealistic and most likely an impossible demand on your partner. We need to strive to be whole and complete and bring our best effort at that to the relationship. Any gaps and missing elements of your development you still need to work on after you marry (assuming that some or many of us actually make this fatal mistake) you need to work on with your men, with your therapist or on your own – but NOT with your wife. That is not only unfair but a sure fire formula for disaster!
- That any two people – even if they were identical twins with the same history and experiential upbringing – would see everything the same way and have no blips, bumps and upsets, is not only illogical but purely ludicrous. Hey, we most often marry our opposites – that’s what we like about them – they are not only the OPPOSITE gender, they are often opposite on many dimensions of experience, thought and beliefs. That is what makes this adventure exciting and adventurous.
The perfect marriage is one that develops a methodology of resolving and dealing with these differences. My wife and I call it “workability.” The perfect marriage is more committed to working things out than to being right. Fall in love with the differences your woman presents you with. My wife and I are nearly dead opposites on one popular personality test we once took. And when that works, it is spectacular. For example, my wife is a details person – I am a big picture person. When traveling, she has the
In the beginning I was afraid (having painfully failed at arguments and marriages before) that getting into an argument would lead to certain disaster. But when approached from commitment (to each other and the marriage itself) and “workability,” the disagreement and differences can be dealt with and can result in enhancing the relationship. But the discovery was that just the opposite happened.
The bottom line in this discussion is that when couples can enter into heated, positioned arguments and successfully resolve those problems and differences, they begin to build up a pile of evidence that the relationship can survive such threats and assaults. We have now over 19 years of evidence that our loving and our relationship is bigger than any disagreement we can have. We have tons of concrete evidence that we can work through any problem we encounter. And with that, I no longer cringe when she says, “we’ve gotta talk!”
That is the perfect marriage!
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